(Video courtesy YouTube/MMAFighting)

I was beginning to think that all of the back-patting he was getting from his entourage and training partners was starting to make James Toney a bit delusional in thinking he was an actual MMA fighter, but after seeing this video, I have to admit I was wrong. Toney isn’t just a bit delusional. He’s completely delusional if he really believes that he has more than a puncher’s chance against former UFC heavyweight and light heavyweight champion Randy Couture at UFC 118.

All of the half-hearted sledgehammer smacks and tire flips in the world won’t make up for the fact that he has only been training MMA for six months (though he claims he’s been training for nine) and Couture has been competing in the sport for thirteen years.

Regardless of how much Toney may be fooling himself, I enjoy trying to dissect his unintelligible ramblings and convert them into text — a task which I rank slightly higher on the difficulty scale than solving a sudoku puzzle. I’ve done so many of these transcriptions that I can listen to Toney talk and understand exactly what he is saying. I’m actually considering sending the UFC my resume in the hopes that I can be Lights Out’s Ed Soares and I can translate for him in his pre and post-fight interviews.


Here’s what James had to say this time around in this interview with MMAFighting’s Elie Seckback:

About what he would like to say to Randy before they fight:

"Bitch, you dead….umma derla rednig desire……Actually, I can tell you right now. He’s tryin’ to look tough on the poster. Ain’t he funny? That’s hilarious. This dude ain’t even like that. That’s crazy. I ain’t even know why they put him on the poster like that ‘cos he ain’t no tough guy. He’s like portrayin’ one in what the….What’s the name of that movie? The Expendables. He’s expendable all right. August 28, he’s going to be very expendable, I’m telling you. After August 28 Sylvester Stallone and all his "so called" buddies — they ain’t even know who he is. Sylvester know what I can do so I ain’t even know why he perpetratin’ bein’ in the wrong person’s corner."

About fighting an MMA legend:

"Randy’s a legend? A legend in what, his own mind?…Lemme tell you how bad MMA is. In MMA, if you have 28 fights, you in the hall of fame. That’s bullshit. In boxing Randy Couture would be a bum."

About how seriously he’s taking training (he has TWO tires):

"I train two or three times a day. When I’m motivated for a fight, basically, that’s when they’ll see me. When they give me somebody who’s worth my time, I’m gonna get in shape for it. I’m gonna get ready for it and give them a hell of a show a la Holyfield, a la Samuel Peters."

*editor’s note: He lost to Samuel Peters TWICE

About how he is going to shock the world:

"August 28 we’re gonna shock the world. My whole team gonna shock the world. We gonna train hard. We’ve been at this for nine months now.  I’m comin’ to y’all’s sport. I’m comin’ to MMA. Y’all scared to come to my sport, so I got to tear off the gloves — the real gloves and come to the little girly gloves and come to y’all’s sport and do y’all’s thing. I’m going to show you I can beat you at your own game." 

About how he isn’t worried about Randy’s wrestling because he has the best people in the world "around him" (apparently he obtains skill by osmosis):

"I’m not worried about Randy; Randy worried about me. He gotta worry about me punchin’ the shit out of his ass. I’m not worried about his wrestling technique because, like I said, I have the best people in the world around me. Like I keep tellin’ everybody ‘Lights Out! August 28 as soon as I hit him — I don’t care if I hit him with a right hand or left hook.’ The bad thing about it is they got the nerve to have this short little fat Mexican named Gilbert Martinez to try to emulate me [in training]. Can’t nobody emulate me. It’s not happenin’. I don’t care who it is; can’t nobody emulate me. Can’t nobody in the boxing world do what I do, so whatever. Do what you can do. Do whatever you can, it’s not gonna help you."

About how he is channeling Bruce Lee to beat Couture:

"Randy Couture, come to see me on August 28. As soon as you’re close, all I need is three inches to knock your bitch ass out. That’s all I need, three inches."

About what is going to happen when he beats Randy:

"My thing is to show the world that boxing is the number one discipline. Everybody might say somethin’ different, but after August 28 they gonna say, ‘Well, Randy Couture is too old,’ and all that. So when they say that, ‘Well, bring him down. I’ll knock his ass out too."