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Tires: Check, Sledgehammer: Check; Holy Shit, James Toney Really is Taking this MMA Thing Seriously

(Video courtesy YouTube/MMAFighting)

I was beginning to think that all of the back-patting he was getting from his entourage and training partners was starting to make James Toney a bit delusional in thinking he was an actual MMA fighter, but after seeing this video, I have to admit I was wrong. Toney isn’t just a bit delusional. He’s completely delusional if he really believes that he has more than a puncher’s chance against former UFC heavyweight and light heavyweight champion Randy Couture at UFC 118.

All of the half-hearted sledgehammer smacks and tire flips in the world won’t make up for the fact that he has only been training MMA for six months (though he claims he’s been training for nine) and Couture has been competing in the sport for thirteen years.

Regardless of how much Toney may be fooling himself, I enjoy trying to dissect his unintelligible ramblings and convert them into text — a task which I rank slightly higher on the difficulty scale than solving a sudoku puzzle. I’ve done so many of these transcriptions that I can listen to Toney talk and understand exactly what he is saying. I’m actually considering sending the UFC my resume in the hopes that I can be Lights Out’s Ed Soares and I can translate for him in his pre and post-fight interviews.

Here’s what James had to say this time around in this interview with MMAFighting’s Elie Seckback:

About what he would like to say to Randy before they fight:

"Bitch, you dead….umma derla rednig desire……Actually, I can tell you right now. He’s tryin’ to look tough on the poster. Ain’t he funny? That’s hilarious. This dude ain’t even like that. That’s crazy. I ain’t even know why they put him on the poster like that ‘cos he ain’t no tough guy. He’s like portrayin’ one in what the….What’s the name of that movie? The Expendables. He’s expendable all right. August 28, he’s going to be very expendable, I’m telling you. After August 28 Sylvester Stallone and all his "so called" buddies — they ain’t even know who he is. Sylvester know what I can do so I ain’t even know why he perpetratin’ bein’ in the wrong person’s corner."

About fighting an MMA legend:

"Randy’s a legend? A legend in what, his own mind?…Lemme tell you how bad MMA is. In MMA, if you have 28 fights, you in the hall of fame. That’s bullshit. In boxing Randy Couture would be a bum."

About how seriously he’s taking training (he has TWO tires):

"I train two or three times a day. When I’m motivated for a fight, basically, that’s when they’ll see me. When they give me somebody who’s worth my time, I’m gonna get in shape for it. I’m gonna get ready for it and give them a hell of a show a la Holyfield, a la Samuel Peters."

*editor’s note: He lost to Samuel Peters TWICE

About how he is going to shock the world:

"August 28 we’re gonna shock the world. My whole team gonna shock the world. We gonna train hard. We’ve been at this for nine months now.  I’m comin’ to y’all’s sport. I’m comin’ to MMA. Y’all scared to come to my sport, so I got to tear off the gloves — the real gloves and come to the little girly gloves and come to y’all’s sport and do y’all’s thing. I’m going to show you I can beat you at your own game." 

About how he isn’t worried about Randy’s wrestling because he has the best people in the world "around him" (apparently he obtains skill by osmosis):

"I’m not worried about Randy; Randy worried about me. He gotta worry about me punchin’ the shit out of his ass. I’m not worried about his wrestling technique because, like I said, I have the best people in the world around me. Like I keep tellin’ everybody ‘Lights Out! August 28 as soon as I hit him — I don’t care if I hit him with a right hand or left hook.’ The bad thing about it is they got the nerve to have this short little fat Mexican named Gilbert Martinez to try to emulate me [in training]. Can’t nobody emulate me. It’s not happenin’. I don’t care who it is; can’t nobody emulate me. Can’t nobody in the boxing world do what I do, so whatever. Do what you can do. Do whatever you can, it’s not gonna help you."

About how he is channeling Bruce Lee to beat Couture:

"Randy Couture, come to see me on August 28. As soon as you’re close, all I need is three inches to knock your bitch ass out. That’s all I need, three inches."

About what is going to happen when he beats Randy:

"My thing is to show the world that boxing is the number one discipline. Everybody might say somethin’ different, but after August 28 they gonna say, ‘Well, Randy Couture is too old,’ and all that. So when they say that, ‘Well, bring him down. I’ll knock his ass out too."

Cagepotato Comments

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dannyvalentine- August 17, 2010 at 11:59 pm
Rampage has really let himself go.
Silva fan999k- August 17, 2010 at 8:44 pm
Let a pro Muay thai go for him and he will understand that boxing is great but not alone.
Joe Bananas- August 17, 2010 at 5:28 pm
How was the guy able to do the interview and ask questions with a mouth full of James Toneys dick?
Deadpanda- August 17, 2010 at 5:10 pm
Yes, El Guapo, I have. That's the point which adds comical significance to the number of 'hype-men' he has verbally sucking his nuts in that 'training' video.

ps- I'm assuming you watch compilations?
fatbellyfrank- August 17, 2010 at 3:52 pm
Aug 28, Run fat boy, run, and uzithrasha, no need for the race reference, JT would be a heap of shit if he was vermillion with aqua polka dots
Charming Charlie- August 17, 2010 at 3:38 pm
Toney is a walking, mumbling example of what happens when someone jacks into another's dream, and shoots the place to shit trying to plant the idea "you can win in MMA," ala Inception.
El Guapo- August 17, 2010 at 3:36 pm
"I've never seen so many low class cocksuckers on film at once in my life"

You've never watched porn, Deadpanda?
ghostboner- August 17, 2010 at 3:28 pm
@Almost north - The tire doesn't count if it is a spare tire, and it is permanently attached to your gut. And the bicycle doesn't count as fight training if you are riding it as a second job, under a huge tent, for a guy named P.T. Barnum.

Now that I think of it, Toney is ghetto fabalus, so he prob has some 40" rims on his Hummer. Maybe he will have the biggest tires.
Deadpanda- August 17, 2010 at 2:32 pm
My furry black & white ass James Toney is "taking MMA seriously." He just posted an 8 minute 26 second training video that consisted of a grand total of 52 seconds of Toney actually training (13 of those 52 seconds is him standing around looking tired). More over, in those 39 seconds of actual training James Toney looks fat, slow & dragging ass. If Toney looked good or if his training was going well, we'd see it.

And how many people does James Toney need around him feeding his ego?! I've never seen so many low class cock suckers on film at once in my entire life. Toney's not taking this seriously; he's bringing a sharp knife to a gun fight. I'm so fucking done with this embarrassment. This is a fucking joke. I'm not even going to buy this ppv.
Titos Head- August 17, 2010 at 2:10 pm
Why do they even interview this ass clown? You cant even understand a single fucking word! Jesus my ears are bleeding
Jesus Frijoles- August 17, 2010 at 1:16 pm
I would just like to point out as a person with a hearing disability that you can't even tell what the fuck Toney is saying by lip reading.
Ballkick- August 17, 2010 at 1:00 pm
I grow tired of the coverage of this "King" of the Clowns.
August 28th,..... James arrives ringside inside a rainbow colored Smart Car in which his enire entorage exits wearing oversized shoes, pant's, and Pancake make-up. To the soundtrack of "Entry Of The Gladiators" by Julius Fucik

Eagle Craw- August 17, 2010 at 12:35 pm
Mayo momma dogface in the banana patch!
Almost North- August 17, 2010 at 12:02 pm

Tim Sylvia also trains with tires.....he even rides bicycles. God I love old UFC hype videos.
LJM- August 17, 2010 at 11:59 am
@uzithrasha, what does his being black have to do with anything? I have the same hopes you do for the fight, but race doesn't really enter into it.
ghostboner- August 17, 2010 at 11:53 am
Smart money is on Toney. He has tires. Trust me fellas, never bet against the man who trains with tires. Although, Randy has tires too, so it will probably come down to who has the bigger tires.
ghostboner- August 17, 2010 at 11:52 am
Dam. I wish all I needed was 3 inches. So far though, everyone I've tried it on tells me it isn't enough.
Gilafresh- August 17, 2010 at 11:48 am
He's quite excited about Randy coming close and giving him 3 inches...I'm guessing Toney will play the role of Jake Gyllanhal?
Fried Taco- August 17, 2010 at 11:32 am
"Hez espittable"
shea415- August 17, 2010 at 11:32 am
allright y hasn't any one said,y isn't he grappling in this vid? all hes doing is hiting a tire and looking like a dumb ass! Im a personal trainer for mma fighters for over 6 years. And hes training with morons!!! There Strength training him for a boxing match not a mma match! all he has is a punchers chance and thats it! Hes training with b level grappler's.
Art Gibs- August 17, 2010 at 11:29 am
No one's even mentioned how pathetic that reporter is. The dude's a joke.

Toney doesn't seem to be going very hard. Couture doesn't have much to worry about.
Red Baron- August 17, 2010 at 11:27 am
Don't you see it? Are you blind??? James Toney has no intention of actually fighting Couture. None! I don't know what the excuse will be -- maybe he hits himself on the foot with a sledgehammer during training, or takes a suckerpunch from a tire, I dunno. I only know that James Toney will NOT fight Couture.

Remember who told you this...unless I'm wrong, then you can forget it the same way you did all those useless dates in History class.
Robdamob- August 17, 2010 at 11:24 am
that was very entertaining
good unintentional comedy
KimboSlice- August 17, 2010 at 11:24 am
all i see is trash talk and sledgehammers. no actual training.
superflat- August 17, 2010 at 11:20 am
Wouldn't it be crazy if this ended up being a good, competitive fight that reflected well on the UFC and both fighters?