By Jared Jones
Four chefs, three courses, only one chance to win! The challenge: Create an unforgettable meal from the mystery items hidden in these baskets before time. runs. out. Our distinguished panel of chefs will critique their work, and one by one, they must face the dreaded chopping block. Who will win the $10,000 prize, and who will be…Chopped?
Four MMA fighters-turned chefs think they have what it takes to win. Lets meet them. First up, Tito Ortiz…
[*Cue a montage of Ortiz hitting truck tires with a sledgehammer, pointing to business documents that clearly have nothing written on them*]
Tito Ortiz: “My name’s Ito Tortiz. I mean, Tito Ortiz. For years, people have been doubting my ability to compete at the highest level of reality show cooking competitions. But I’m here to prove them all wrong today and show that ‘The People’s Champ’, like no other, cooks like no other.”
Next up, Tim Sylvia…
[*Cue this video*]
Tim Sylvia: (*while eating jelly doughnut*) “I’m a real outside the box thinker when it comes to preparing meals. Just the other day, I filled an old oil barrel with ham hocks and melted cheese. It was a fantastic mid-afternoon snack.”
And then there’s Jon Jones…
[*Jones walks out in Christ pose, never looking directly into the camera*]
Jon Jones: “There’s a lot of misconceptions about Jon Jones. Jon Jones is arrogant. Jon Jones is cocky. Jon Jones is a death machine behind the wheel of a car. All I can say is that Jon Jones comes to win, and if you don’t like it, you can bite my bird.” (*looks to cameraman*) “Can you delete all that in about 15 seconds?”
And finally, Chael Sonnen…
Chael Sonnen: (*yelling at the top of his lungs*) “At long last, it’s the man with the flan! The shot caller with the lemon baller! The bad guy who makes a great apple pie! The-”(cut off by camera)
Alright chefs, please open your baskets for the appetizer round.
Your ingredients are: Skirt steak, Matzo Crackers, Orange Gelatin cups, and Collard Greens. Your time starts…now!
[*Cue a montage of all four fighters cooking ferociously/talking to the camera about their personal struggles*]
Alright chefs, let’s see what you’ve created!
Tito Ortiz: “What I have for you today, heretofore, are skirt steak meatballs mixed with matzo crackers for texture, sauteed colored greens, and an orange gelatin reduction.”
Alex Guarnaschelli: “They’re actually pronounced ‘collard greens’, Mr Ortiz.”
Tito Ortiz: “That doesn’t make any sense. They’re not the *collar* green, are they?”
Aaron Sanchez: “I like your presentation, but I’m missing a bit of heat here.”
Tito Ortiz: “Well…uh…you know…I’m not making any excuses, but I’m competing with four fractured vertebrae and lupus today, so I’m just trying to prove all my doubters wrong like no other.”
Jon Jones: “I’ve prepared ground skirt steak wrapped in collard greens with an orange gelatin dressing.”
Marc Murphy: “This is absolutely delicious, and the presentation is spot on, but I’m missing the matzo crackers here. Did you use them?”
Jon Jones: “I was not given adequate time to prepare a gameplan for matzo crackers with coach Jackson, so no, I did not use them. If we can reschedule a meeting between myself and matzo crackers in three weeks, I will gladly take them on then.”
Marc Murphy: “That’s not how this show works, Mr. Jones.”
Jon Jones: “Whatever. It’s my career, not yours.”
It appears that Mr. Sylvia has eaten all of his ingredients. You have been chopped, Timmeh.
Tim Sylvia: “Damn! If it’s OK with you guys, I am going to tweet about my desire for another shot on Chopped every single day for the next five years.”
Marc Murphy: “That’s fine. Just please, get out of here. You smell like you shit yourself midway through the appetizer round.”
Chael Sonnen: “My esteemed judges, if you would so kindly direct your eyes to the culinary creation before you: A grilled skirt steak salad, with collard greens, matzo cracker croutons, and a balsamic, orange-gelatin vinaigrette.”
Alex Guarnaschelli: “Seriously? After all that trash you talked about crafting ‘The Manliest Meal Ever Manifested by a Mixed Martial Artist’, you take a punt and make a salad? You are all bark and no bite, Mr. Sonnen.”
Chael Sonnen: “Well, you see Alex, I am a new father, and its not my fault that you went and changed the rules on me. I had no opportunity to go before the Chopped commission and disclose that I physically could not craft the meal I had hyped up due to a chemical imbalance in my system. What I’m saying is, *you* are to blame for my mistakes.”
Alex Guarnaschelli: “You’re right. I’m sorry, Chael.”
Chael Sonnen: “Apology accepted.”
Aaron Sanchez: “I really like what you did with the orange gelatin and the balsamic. Just a fantastic vinaigrette that really brightens up the salad. The steak is a little tough, however.”
Chael Sonnen: “You’re damn right it’s tough! Tougher than any of the steaks these pansies cooked up, that’s for sure! And if you want to see what a real tough piece of meat looks like, knock on Wanderlei Silva’s door and ask for his wife!”
(*rushes camera, screams*) “Tune into Metamrois 4 on August 9th to see me lay a good ol’ fashioned whooping on Andre Galvao, and after that, I’m coming for the rest of these dimwitted, bus-feeding Brazilians! That’s Metamoris 4! August 9th!”
(*Sonnen is dragged off by security*)
Well, that leaves just the two of you, Mr. Jones and Mr. Ortiz.
Jon Jones: “I am ready to achieve the greatness I was destined for…” (*crouches down in crab pose*)
How about you, Tito?…..
……Tito? Does anyone know where Mr. Ortiz has gone?
Jon Jones: “He ducked out ten minutes ago, holding his back and limping.”
Well, I guess that makes you Chopped champion, Jon Jones! Congratulations!
Jon Jones: “Thank you, Todd. Now where do you keep all the booze at?”