(“OK Chris, for this scene, we’re going to need you to act as if you’re reading your lines directly from a cue card. Just look as uninterested as humanly possible and stare as far off-screen as you can. And Marivi, if you could just stare directly at the guy holding the boom mic-PERFECT.”)
It really is difficult to believe anything you see or read on April Fool’s day. Just this morning, a friend of mine who happens to be a traveling musician posted that his band had booked a gig as John Mayer’s opening act for his upcoming Australian tour. After congratulating him on his tremendous accomplishment, I quickly learned that the whole thing was a ploy perpetuated for Facebook likes. Needless to say, he is now dead to me.
Needless to say, I was equally skeptical when videos of Chris Weidman and Forrest Griffin pimping a jewelry store and a DUI defense lawyer, respectively, appeared in my inbox this afternoon. But upon further research (dialing both phone numbers and laughing hysterically until the receptionists hung up), I have determined that what you are about to see are in fact legitimate ads featuring the current middleweight and former light heavyweight champion, which is easily more hilarious than any April Fool’s day joke you will be privy to today or possibly ever.
After the jump you will find videos of both ads, as well as our in-depth analysis of both fighters performances, complete with screengrabs.
“The Jewelry Gallery of Oyster Bay” – Chris Weidman
Also featuring UFC lightweight, TUF 15 alum and fellow Long Islander Al Iaquinta, we must give the creative minds behind a jewelry store in Nassau County, NY credit for having the balls to commit to this atrocious ad, and more specifically, the play on words between an MMA “ring” (not what it’s called) and a wedding “ring.” Seriously, I would be applauding them if I hadn’t just severed both my hands in the feat that they may one day write something so hamfisted.
Did the people who created this ad even understand that UFC fighters compete in an octagon? Or that choosing an (albeit local) MMA fighter as the spokesperson for a jewelry store in a town where the average income is nearly $100,000 might not make a whole lot of sense? Where is the turnover between Affliction-wearing, Long Island dude-bro MMA fans and high-end jewelry clientele, exactly? So many questions.
And now, buckle up for this one…
“Top Gun DUI Defense Attorney Myles L. Berman” – Forrest Griffin
If the purpose of Griffin’s appearance in this ad was to serve as an intimidating presence for the serious issue that is weaseling your way out of a drunk-driving offense, then it failed miserably. Not only does Griffin come off as a far more likeable and trustworthy guy than Berman, but he also loses all of his badass credibility the moment he tips his trucker hat like a cowboy cordially greeting a woman of the town proper.
And besides, if this Berman fellow really wanted to scare us into seeking his services, he more than accomplished that with his dead-eyed stare and “I’m totally not a robot disguised in a human skin suit” mannerisms. I mean, just look at those things:
Take it away, Dr. Loomis…
Creativity: Weidman’s ad, sadly
Acting: Griffin all day
Intensity: NEED I SHOW YOU BERMAN’S EYES AGAIN?!
Winner: Griffin’s DUI ad by a hair. It may never reach the heights of Wanderlei Silva and Mark Coleman’s epic Schick ad, but it’s something.