Steroids in MMA
Which MMA Fighter Will Test Positive For Steroids Next?

“Truth is? Every fighter on the circuit is on something.”

If you’re like the vast majority of Americans, you’ve never seen an episode of Shark. And I hadn’t either until last night, when I was flipping through the ol’ digital cable and came across this description: “A fighting league’s CEO is charged with murder for pushing steroids.” Whoa, ripped from the headlines much?! I had to watch to see how this would play out.

First of all, Shark is basically a homeless-man’s Law and Order, where the show opens with a gruesome murder (inspired by a recent real-life news story), multiple people become suspects, and there’s a few twists and courtroom shockers at the end which lead to someone unexpected being nailed for the crime; a five-year-old could write this shit. So, the plot of last night’s episode: Steve Abbott, the heavyweight champion and #1 box-office attraction of the UFL (Ultimate Fighting League!) is found dead in his home from a gunshot wound to the head. James Woods and his crew first visit Abbott’s training partner Rick, who reveals that steroid use is rampant in the league. Woods makes the intellectual leap that the UFL’s CEO, Teddy Banks, forces his fighters to take steroids as a condition of their employment. They pay a visit to the league’s doctor, who folds like your mother on laundry day.

I mainly sat through the show to see what the Dana White character would look like, and I wasn’t disappointed. Sure, Teddy Banks was African-American and sharply dressed, but he was also bald, and a pompous asshole. Real subtle, guys. Anyway, it turns out Abbott discovered that the steroids he was forced to take were ruining his liver, so he threatened to quit the UFL. Banks couldn’t be without his marquee name, so he shot Abbott. Or something like that — I think that theory was disproved at the end. But at any rate, Banks cops a plea to avoid the death penalty and is sentenced to 25 years in prison. Good times.

This episode was originally aired on September 28th, which means it wasn’t thrown together in the wake of Randy Couture‘s resignation from the UFC; it was simply re-aired a month later to prove that the writers of Shark are prophetic geniuses. It also makes me wonder what else they know — could Randy’s life be in danger? Was his resignation not money- , respect- , or Fedor-based, but liver damage-based?

A couple of final notes…

— The episode contained the line “Abbott weighed 280, he couldn’t have been dragged.” Come on…280? That’s just poor fact-checking

— How awesome would it be if Teddy Banks rolled on his bosses, the “Shmertito Brothers,” and they were played by these guys?

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