After his latest “Do you wanna be an [expletive] fighter” speech on the last episode, Dana White is surprised that nobody is stepping over Matt Mitrione to take his spot, which is strange because Scott Junk made it very clear that he’d just do that, wrecked eye notwithstanding. One guy who definitely isn’t down to fight is (wait for it) Kimbo Slice, who’s concerned about his arthritis-stricken knee and starts throwing out excuses. Bottom line is, he won’t be able to perform at full strength, and he can’t stomach another loss, so he’d just rather not fight, if that’s cool.

“I am in no position to fight a kickboxer like James McSweeney at this point,” he says, adding that it would “demise” him a little bit taking the fight knowing he wasn’t healthy. Dana White is a little taken back; he didn’t expect this from Kimbo, whose gameness was supposed to be his best quality. But that’s the situation. The season’s poster boy turns out to be a total bust. I demand a refund.

Luckily, Matt Mitrione feels healthy again. He tells Rashad that he’s been cleared to fight, and Rashad tells us "I bet he called the doctor and the doctor said ‘listen kid, I told you two days ago you could fight,’” which is hilarious because that’s pretty much exactly how it went down. Finally, Mitrione admits that his head injury story was exaggerated to mess with James McSweeney and keep himself entertained. Ohhhhh, now it all makes sense…


McSweeney is thrilled to be fighting Mitrione. He feels his standup is far superior, and he’ll be looking for the head-kick knockout.

Junk’s career might be jeopardy due to Mitrione’s eye pokes. Big Baby takes it very personally, and wants to stomp Mitrione out when he gets back to the gym. “I’ll kill you motherfucker!" He screams. "Give me a reason! Give me a reason!” Marcus wants to choke Matt, beat him, then break his arm, because that’s the pain that Scott Junk has, waking up every day. His teammates eventually talk him down. Says Rashad: “You go into a fight and you hope you come out the way you came in, but there’s no guarantee.”

But there’s good news: Junk’s surgery was a success. His doctor doesn’t recommend he keep fighting, but whatever, he’s a big boy and he’ll do what he wants.

For the third quarterfinal match, McSweeney weighs in at a meager 229 pounds compared to Mitrione’s bulky 256. Mitrione also has a six-inch reach advantage, despite being an inch shorter. Dana says that Mitrione "easily" takes this if he fights the way he did against Junk. So keep throwing those eye-pokes, Meathead. After a particularly intense staredown, McSweeney shoves Mitrione, and Mitrione repeatedly licks his fingers in anger.

It’s time to party…

Round 1: McSweeney opens with a leg kick, then a body kick. And another leg kick. Mitrione lands a sharp 1-2. McSweeney throws two more leg kicks, and Mitrione scores with a straight left. They trade kicks. Teep kick McSweeney, and a right cross. Mitrione dashes in with a punch. Another big right from McSweeney and another teep. Mitrione blasts forward with a punch combo, McSweeney returns fire, and they clinch. McSweeney tosses him to the mat. Mitrione looks for a leg lock from the bottom. McSweeney escapes, and gets on top, slugging Mitrione in the ribs. He locks on a guillotine choke as Mitrione tries to get to his feet and torques it. Mitrione taps immediately — "like a bitch," as he says. After the fight, he squashes his beef with McSweeney.

Next up is Marcus Jones vs. Darrill Schoonover. Jones feels Darrill is dangerous because he "takes a lickin’ and keeps on tickin’." But hey, he ain’t gonna lose to a guy with titties. I mean, the guy has titties.

Round 1: Jones throws a leg kick, then clinches and takes Schoonover down. Jones moves to side control. He passes his leg over Schoonover’s head in an odd-looking crucifix variant and punches Schoonover in the face. He repeats this process two more times before shifting his focus to Schoonover’s arms, looking for a kimura. Schoonover rolls to escape, but Jones puts him right back down, and ends up in Schoonover’s guard. Schoonover kicks Jones off, but Big Baby dives back on. Darrill kicks Jones off again, and tries to buttscoot away, but Jones stalks him down and jumps back in his guard. Jones starts throwing heavy punches and knocks Darrill out. “I hope the judges gave us that one,” Rampage says. Dana and Rashad are very impressed with Jones’s performance. Rashad vows to start calling Jones by his real nickname (The Darkness) instead of Big Baby.

The semi-final matchups will be Roy Nelson vs. James McSweeney and Brendan Schaub vs. Marcus Jones.

Rashad Evans starts dissing Tiki’s MySpace page and the fruity nutshot pics contained within. The payful ribbing turns to a heated confrontation between the coaches. “I can’t wait to beat the brakes off you,” Rampage says. "You aint even gonna wake up homey. Dubba-dubba-you-bee frog-lookin’ ass."

If Marcus wins, all of Rashad’s crap goes out the window. The gameplan is for Marcus to take Brendan down and finish him quickly. Marcus can still tackle a motherfucker if he needs to. He once tackled Barry Sanders in an open field.

Tiki has one more prank left in him. He brings in a bunch of pink stuffed animals and puts them in Team Rashad’s locker room, which Team Rampage paints pink. They also add a disco ball. “We changed the room to make it like his room probably looks at his own house,” Rampage says. Rashad does not approve of the new decor. He angrily sucks a pacifier then spits it out, realizing the thing was probably up Tiki’s ass at some point.

Zak "Linderman" Jensen finally reaches his breaking point. First, he allows McSweeney to write on his head, and is shocked when McSweeney writes "Lindagay" instead of "Linderman." Later, while he’s taking a dump, McSweeney opens some drawers in the bathroom to barricade Jensen inside the shitter. Jensen, who’s claustrophobic, freaks out. Finally, McSweeney unblocks him, and Jensen comes out of the bathroom throwing punches. McSweeney fires back and gets Jensen in a guillotine. Best fight of the season, easy. McSweeney lets Jensen go after he promises to settle down. “James is a prostitute’s used douchebag,” Jensen says.

Rashad comes by to do some positive visualization, and tells McSweeney to think of every fight as his last. Trevor Wittman comes by to drop some horrible rhymes: "When you are in the room getting your hands wrapped tight, you are ready for this big ass fight…Keep your focus. This ain’t hocus pocus." Wow. Get this man on Def Poetry Jam.

Roy vs. James is up. James tweaks his nip to get his mind right.

Round 1: McSweeney tries a looping right. Nelson with a jab, McSweeney with a leg kick. McSweeney is wild with his punches, and his chin is way out. Nelson bulls in, and McSweeney grabs an arm-in guillotine. It looks tight, but Nelson gets out, and they separate. McSweeney lands a leg kick and a jab, then a knee to the body from a clinch. Nelson lands a hard right, and McSweeney is stunned. Nelson shoots and takes McSweeney down. He moves from half-guard to side control and sets up his trademark crucifix. Nelson smothers from the top. McSweeney tries to buck him, but Big Country is too heavy. With McSweeney’s head exposed and his arms pinned, Nelson starts punching, and they’re hard ones. McSweeney flails his legs, but can’t do anything to stop the abuse, and the ref stops the fight. Finally, Roy earns Dana’s begrudging respect.

Rashad calls Rampage a bitch and walks away, then comes back and says it again, right up in his face. “Treat me like a bitch right now,” Rampage says, no less than 30 times. Rashad brushes his head against Rampage’s, and Rampage is ready to kill. “Throw it baby, let it happen…treat me like a motherfucking bitch," Rampage says. “I can’t wait to treat you like a bitch, ‘cuz you gonna be a real good bitch," Rashad says. Instinctively, I hit the pause button on my DVR.

And here, we, go…

Round 1: Schaub lands a right hand off the bell, and Jones immediately takes him to the mat. Jones moves to side control rather easily, and sets up a crucifix, but Schaub bucks out. Jones scores mount. He tries to posture up, and Schaub escapes, re-establishing half guard then getting his feet. Schaub unloads with punches, but eats a knee to the head. Jones seems like he’s tired already. He drops his hands a bit, and Schaub rocks him with a right cross, dropping him to the mat. Schaub finishes the fight with heavy strikes from the top.

Jones tells us that this might be his last day fighting. "I don’t want to put my wife through that anymore," he says. Rampage acts like a coach for once, consoling Jones and telling him that the losses will make him stronger.

And so, fighting for the TUF 10 heavyweight contract will be Brendan Schaub vs. Roy Nelson, who Dana lovingly refers to as "the guy with the worst physique in sports."

The big surprise about Kimbo’s future turns out to be that he’ll be fighting Houston Alexander in the finale. NO, SERIOUSLY?!? Also fighting on Saturday will be Marcus Jones vs. Matt Mitrione, Darrill Schoonover vs. James McSweeney, and Justin Wren vs. Jon Madsen.