(If you ain’t cheatin’, you ain’t trying…)

The problem with GSP picking favorable matchups all season is that he’s eventually going to be stuck with one that isn’t so favorable. For the last match in the round-of-14, his #7 draft Dane Sayers will automatically be fed to Sako "Psycho" Chivitchian, a crazy Armenian with world-class judo skills. St. Pierre says he wanted Dane to fight last so they’d have more time to work with him. A few weeks might not be enough; Sayers snuck through the elimination round thanks to his heart, but didn’t show a whole lot of skills.

Two lucky losers will soon be getting picked for the wild card fight, and everybody’s jockeying for it, except for Spencer Paige, who’s out of action for three months with a broken hand. Bummer, brah. Aaron Wilkinson is all banged up from his war with Michael Johnson, but he still wants it, and he’s clearly the most deserving. Wilkinson doesn’t think Jeff "Waster" Lentz should get a second chance, since he’s just been sitting around drinking and chewing tobacco. Jeff vows to piss on Aaron’s bed.

Our hero J.C. Skarbowsky returns to advise Dane, "Good is not enough, you have to be perfect." Everybody is calling Dane "Red Horse" this episode. Red Horse is his Indian name; he’s part Blackfoot and Chippewa. (On his mother’s side, we would assume.) Says Skarbowsky: "Koscheck’s not from the States, [Dane's] from the States. Koscheck needs your permission to come here."


Koscheck bumps up into Brad Tate intentionally while walking into the gym, and Brad shoves him back, leading to a verbal standup. And who is Brad Tate? That’s a good question. As Koscheck explains, "he’s a male nurse, and I don’t know why he’s here. Only Georges knows why he’s here." Tate is actually a medic, and sometime soon, he will be rudely grabbed by the throat. "How did you not see my black ass here," Tate asks. "I’m trying to be classy, I’m not trying to stoop down to your level." Koscheck gets his bully on, repeating "male nurse" like a mantra. Don’t worry Brad, it gets better.

Sako used to drink and party, and he was shot in the leg by gangbangers when he was 19, due to "being in the wrong place in the wrong time." He matured pretty quickly after that. Koscheck says that MMA will change your life; the sport teaches you discipline. I mean sure, look at Koscheck himself. The epitome of maturity.

Look alive, folks, it’s Coaches’ Challenge Tiiiiiiiiiiiime! This year they’re at Cashman Field — home of the Las Vegas 51s — doing a little home-run derby. Each coach will get three rounds of ten pitches, scoring points based on how far they crank the balls. We don’t see the cardboard box, but we see the brick of cash: The winning coach scores $10,000, with each member of his team getting $1,500. GSP’s a little nervous going into it, since he’s never played baseball in his life. Koscheck says he’s a little rusty himself.

Koscheck takes the first inning 7-3, and the Armenians are very excited. Sevak gets the prize for loudest/funniest heckler, shouting things like "GEORGES, YOU CAN DO NOTHING!!!" in his heavily accented English. GSP starts to hit his stride a little bit in the second inning, but is still outscored 9-7. The last inning is a total rout. Koscheck picks up 18 more points, while GSP is completely shut out. Final score: 34-10. "I’m very happy with your performance Josh!" Sevak says.

Koscheck says that Georges should get used to the feeling. "What happened on this baseball field is what’ll happen in the fight…swing and a miss, swing and a miss again, bap, I crack a homerun. Lights out." Georges says that he’ll still prevail in the Octagon, and they should play hockey next time."

Sako likes to chill out in nature before a fight. ("It relaxes your brain, bro.") Both he and Dane are 5’11" with a 70" reach. Time to do this thing.

Round 1: Sako shoots, Dane sprawls and grabs a guillotine, falling to guard with it. Sako pulls out and drops punches on Dane against the cage. Dane shrimps and gets to his feet. Sako presses Dane’s back against the cage. Elbows from Sako in the clinch. Dane escapes. Sako tries to clinch up again and Dane shoves him off. Sako chases and presses him up against the cage again. Dane reverses the position and gets in a knee, but Sako bulls him all the way across the Octagon. He works for the leg-trip takedown, but can’t get it. Dane spins him and almost tries for the same takedown. They break. Dane fires a high kick. Sako lands a left hook. Dane shoots and grabs his legs. Sako is warned for fence-grabbing. Somebody loses their mouthpiece. Dane tries for the trip again, but doesn’t succeed. There’s the bell. It was an active round, but not much damage was scored by either side, and both coaches call it a toss-up. 

Round 2: Dane comes forward attacking but gets flipped to the ground, then punched in the face when he gets up. Sako takes Dane down again and falls into half-guard. Sako looks for arm triangle but can’t find it and throws down an elbow instead. Sako is told to advance his position by his coaches and the ref, but he’s just kind of hanging out on top, and Dane eventually escapes. Sako clinches again. Dirty boxing from Dane. Sako tries the trip, doesn’t get it. Sake throws a knee into Dane’s leg. Dane reverses, and again Sako defends a takedown by grabbing the fence. Cheap bastid. Sako tries the trip, and Dane defends, so he goes back to knees to Dane’s legs. Sako stalls against the fence as the round ends.

Koscheck is convinced it’s going to a third round, but it doesn’t. Sako takes the unanimous decision, bumping the final score of the round-of-14 to 5-2 in favor of Team GSP. Dane made an impressive showing, though, defending the takedowns of a high-level judo practitioner and staying in the game the whole time. Could Red Horse be a dark horse for the wild card? GSP promises Dane that he’ll do all he can to get him a second chance.

St. Pierre, Koscheck, and Dana White meet to hash out the wild card match. Koscheck says Aaron Wilkinson was the most impressive out of all the guys who lost, with Marc Stevens as his second choice. Kos says that Stevens has the skills to win the entire show, even if he got caught in that embarrassing 16-second choke. GSP agrees with putting Wilkinson in the wild card, but would like to see Dane Sayers go back in, since he’s such a fast learner. Dana wants the two best fighters, team allegiances aside.

And the wild-card match will be…Aaron Wilkinson vs. Marc Stevens. The quarterfinals will have three yellow-team members, guaranteed. Dammit. Dane is heartbroken. The white man lied to you again, eh buddy?

On the next episode: It turns out that Dane Sayers isn’t even Indian, it was just shit he made up in his head.