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‘TUF 13′ Episode 4 Recap: Get a Rub On

(Without televisions in the house, Ramsey and Junior had to imagine what happened on the ‘Jersey Shore’ finale. / Props: IronForgesIron)

Lew Polley thinks Team Dos Santos is outworking Team Lesnar, and believes Brock Lesnar has already lost interest. “Junior legitimately cares about how these kids are doing,” he says, totally contradicting the trash he’ll talk after the show wraps.

Lesnar, who missed last week’s fight due to a family obligation, returns to a very luke-warm welcome. “Len, I heard you fought hard buddy,” he says. Len Bentley isn’t interested in such pleasantries. After going 1-2 in the first three fights, Team Lesnar is down to “The Four Horsemen”: Tony Ferguson, Clay Harvison, Chuck O’Neil, and Charlie Rader.

But in practice, the Horsemen are performing like a bunch of damn fillies. Clay is sleepwalking through practice, and Charlie is lollygagging too. (Brock’s word, not mine.)

Chuck and Charlie were bros beforehand. They’re just living the dream right now. You know, throwing pillows in bedrooms and threatening to toss beds off balconies. That dream.

Junior Dos Santos selects his #4 pick Ramsey Nijem to take on Charlie Rader (Lesnar’s #2 pick). In Junior’s opinion, Ramsey has the best wrestling on his team. Says Charlie: “He’s a one-dimensional wrestler, and I’m gonna knock him out, period.”

Ramsey paints his toenails like a J.Crew sissy-boy. Chris Cope tries to bust his balls about it. “You’re a little princess!” he says. “I am a little princess,” Ramsey replies.

“You’re missing that Glee aren’t you,” Chris asks Ramsey. Damn right he is, among other shows. “Those kids are frickin’ talented,” Ramsey explains.

Like Nick Ring before him, Ramsey acts like a fruitcake to break the tension, or increase it, or both, or something. “I’m the ice-breaker, that’s what my dad calls me,” he tells us. (Right. That’s what he calls you.) Ramsey starts exotic-dancing for the boys, with a sock on his junk. He asks his bunkie Shamar Bailey to put some lotion on the part of his back that he juuuuust can’t reach. The weird thing? Shamar’s into it. It’s prison rules in there, bro. This guy knows what I’m talking about. ”Goodnight my chocolate friend,” Ramsey says to Shamar, tenderly, when they finish.

Team Lesnar thinks Ramsey’s just there for the show. Ramsey is fine with letting them think he’s a goofball.

Brock brings Matt Hughes in for a guest-appearance. “Their eyeballs fell out of their heads, and their jaws dropped,” Brock says about his team’s reaction. Well, sure. Their polite applause was just…overwhelming. (“OMG, is that Queen Esther herself?,” asks nobody.)

Hughes gets in a grappling session with Charlie. “This guy’s a legend in your weight class,” Brock tells the gang. “I don’t think the other team has been able to bring a guy from your own weight class for you guys to get a rub on.” I know, right? Shamar does what he can, but the poor guy only has two hands.

Ramsey’s gameplan is to throw some punches at first, then grab Charlie when he responds and take it to the mat. “I know I’m the best here,” he says. “No offense, but fuck everybody else because what they think about me obviously doesn’t matter.”

The last time Charlie lost a fight, it was because he underestimated his opponent’s wrestling. “Uppercuts and right knees,” Brock advises.

They have a big-ass Zen rock garden in the house. Chuck writes “Charlie Superstar Rader” into the sand.

Before the fight, Brock has to get something off his chest about Ramsey: “I just noticed something. If you don’t beat that guy, it’ll be a disgrace. Did you know that he paints his toenails?” The Brock Lesnar Faggometer is elevated to orange.

In the van heading to the fight, Team Dos Santos mocks Charlie Rader’s super-intense staredown. Shamar: “It must be something they go over in the locker room. Make sure you mean-mug and inhale deeply. If you can shake your pecs, shake your pecs too.”

And away we go…

Round 1: Charlie opens with a kick. Ramsey dashes forward with punches, and clinches with Charlie against the cage. Charlie keeps his feet underneath him. Charlie lands a knee to the leg. They trade knees to the body. Charlie gets his back off the fence for a moment. Another knee from Charlie. Another knee exchange. Some hard-looking knees to the legs from Ramsey. And it goes on like this. Finally, Charlie catches one low, and the ref restarts them separated after a quick break. Ramsey jabs, and wades in through punches to clinch again. More knees to the legs from Ramsey. Finally Ramsey gets his first takedown, but Charlie quickly scrambles out. Ramsey scores another takedown and throws down a couple strikes from the top. Charlie kicks off, Ramsey dives back in, and the round is over. You have to give it to Ramsey.

Round 2: Charlie swings desperately, looking for the knockout. Ramsey avoids the haymakers, connects with one of his own, and clinches again, dumping Charlie. Charlie gets back up. Ramsey with a knee to the face. Ramsey drops low and pulls off another takedown, ending up with back control. Ramsey gets his hooks in, and whips an arm underneath Charlie’s chin. Charlie taps as soon as the choke is set up.

Brock says that Charlie just didn’t have it in him that day. Before the fight, Ramsey had that look in his eyes like he was coming to kill something, and Charlie didn’t. “I thought I was in a bad dream between the first and second round,” Brock says. “Here’s a guy that’s beating himself.” Brock angrily tosses the stool into the cage. “I don’t even care,” he says. “These guys don’t even want to be here.”

Dana White also noticed that Charlie didn’t defend the choke at all, and basically gave up. Dana explains that Brock doesn’t need to be here for the money or the fame. He took time away from his family to invest himself in this thing, and DW doesn’t blame Brock for being frustrated.

It’s a rough atmosphere in the Team Lesnar stew-room. Rader’s arm might be dislocated, but that’s the least of their problems. ”I haven’t seen jack shit, and that’s what I meant, you all look like chicken shit,” Brock says, filling his quota for the episode. “Choke, choke, choke…You guys walk around here badass this, badass that…Boston this, Lousiana that, Michigan that, Seattle this.”

Len Bentley cuts him off: “I fought my heart out, so…I’m going to step out from the ass-chewing because I worked my ass off and I fought hard.”

“Good for you, Len,” says Brock as Len leaves the room. “Good for you.”

Cagepotato Comments

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Canadian Chronic- April 21, 2011 at 4:06 pm
I like weed
Bootylam- April 21, 2011 at 3:54 pm
You could see Charles sucks because he slightly hitches his shoulders every time he's about to punch. Also, he sucks. And just for another POV, just let the kids do what they really want. Why call a guy stupid for letting his kid train? If he's letting them fight is another story. I teach my kid to be smart, friendly, and respectful, now he's 13, never been in a fight and is really popular. He makes friends and the tough guys are his pals. See how easy?
ghostboner- April 21, 2011 at 3:53 pm
Ramsey is awesome, and I would like to reiterate that I picked him to win this season. Unless he paints his toes pink next time and Brock freaks out and smothers him.
BONGTAR- April 21, 2011 at 2:51 pm
you're welcome. day off on a thursday? must have a good it makes sense
PurpleDickMeat- April 21, 2011 at 2:47 pm
You are definitely winning at the fastest backpeddaler, most contradictions and best excuses. This has made me a happy man on my day off. Thank you for being the idiot you are! :)
BONGTAR- April 21, 2011 at 2:24 pm
Lots of fighters go to my gym. i live in a 5 bedroom house, my second one that i purchased. My mom lives in the condo i bought for her and my pops on their 45 anniverssary. I think im winning sir. You have too much anger and are too eager to insult others to be a happy man. I laugh at you.......
PurpleDickMeat- April 21, 2011 at 1:58 pm
How did that help your kids get into mma then? Are all mma fighters weightlifters? (just look at Karma) Tell mom she's welcome, i'm sure it came as a compliment! Do you live with your mom?? You know, seeing as how she was on hand to say thanks. And, I was winning before this started... duh.
BONGTAR- April 21, 2011 at 1:52 pm
no need to further explain. you win. you got me.
BONGTAR- April 21, 2011 at 1:50 pm
you are moms a whore too, genius
BONGTAR- April 21, 2011 at 1:49 pm
i own a weight lifting gym douchbag, i pay for MMA
my mom says thanks.
PurpleDickMeat- April 21, 2011 at 1:45 pm
-Kids play tee ball or coach pitch at 6.
-If you own a gym why did you brag that your job can afford you to pay for 3 kids to train?
-You responded to all of the shit spewing from several screen names on CP, high five returned.
-You're mom's a whore.
BONGTAR- April 21, 2011 at 1:35 pm
LOL, you are all so smart. you got me. My screen name is old. i dont smoke. My kids are older now, i mentioned that but it went over your hating head. they went with MMA on their own, kinda helps when dad is part owner of a gym. kids play baseball at 6 if they have the talent. and the ball is soft (im sure you understand) oh, nobody told you? sorry. the meaning of jfjjfjff is so obvious, forgive me. and finally, you spewed a bunch of shit to a screen name on CP today. high fives all around. im impressed with how original you are, homo jokes and all. im surprised there wasnt a mom joke or two in there.....i'll wait
PurpleDickMeat- April 21, 2011 at 1:20 pm
And there it is folks... @BONGTAR is officially TOO high to respond. I'd give him the 10 count but he'd probably lose his attention span by 3.
NOTSOB- April 21, 2011 at 12:41 pm
jfjjfjff- April 21, 2011 at 12:33 pm
on to the matter at hand... parenting. i'm not sure why you assume that i think playing baseball at 6 is okay (oh right, you're stupid) but i don't seem to remember any 6 year olds playing hardball... because that would be completely fucking retarded.
newsflash, your 6 year old is only doing shit because of what you do or for your approval. they don't have the ability to make decisions for themselves so basically you are just fulfilling your own inadequacies and fantasies by forcing them to partake in your interests.
maybe let them figure out how to read before you throw them into full contact fighting sports. your kid doesn't need to tap anyone out over who stole whose crayon.... oh right, i forgot that it's your dream to have the next MMA superstar! by all means continue to unnecessarily pressure your child to live up to your expectations (in before 'he likes it').
jfjjfjff- April 21, 2011 at 12:14 pm
LOL i love having my username insulted because it obviously makes no sense to you (like i give a fuck). notice how i wont touch your fucking homo ass BONGTAR username because i get it, you smoke weed and think that's fucking cool somehow and think the world should know how cool you are (it isn't, you're a fucking douche).
NOTSOB- April 21, 2011 at 11:52 am
screw you and the high horse you ride on. kekekeke
PurpleDickMeat- April 21, 2011 at 11:51 am
First off... who on here said that they were poor and fat?? Kinda weird you would say that unless you know this person(s) personally. Anyway, i tried beer when i was only twelve probably the same age that you were first molested at. Now i know that sexual abuse can make you grow up kind of quick but that doesn't make you an "older" person. Nice try on the MMA/Beer analogy though, I think I see where you were going with that. Also, I thought we went over this earlier. If your kids in fact do become instructors they will be showing people how to floor tap in rest stops.
BONGTAR- April 21, 2011 at 11:38 am
yeah, im retarded because i have a job that affords me the opportunity to pay for three students a month, pay for gear, and trips to tourneys.

no need to treat MMA like a beer, and have to be 'older' to try it. its kids like mine that will be instructors to fat fucks like you
PurpleDickMeat- April 21, 2011 at 11:35 am
Thanks for the support but i would be impeached as soon as i put the rubber sheets over the presidential bed.
RSparrow- April 21, 2011 at 11:29 am
PurpleDickMeat for president
rearnakedchickenchoke- April 21, 2011 at 11:10 am
Glad to see everyone else thinks this season sucks too. The fighters suck and they should have never skipped the fights to get into the house.

I know plenty of people who put their 4-10 year olds in Karate (which is often sold on teaching focus and discipline), so why is it any different to put them in MMA? It's just a mix of styles. Somehow, I don't think they are going full contact sparring... The judgements of those people and their kids only highlights the retard making the judgements.
Morningwood- April 21, 2011 at 11:03 am
whoops, I spoke too soon!
PurpleDickMeat- April 21, 2011 at 11:02 am
Wait a second.... what the fuck is that??
PurpleDickMeat- April 21, 2011 at 11:01 am
I know, seriously FUCK @KARMAATEMYCAT he is just another amateur fighter that thinks he's the shit. Is he even a welterweight?? Looked a little undersized to me. That queer ramsey would've ass raped him right after the first bell, finished him (rear naked choke no doubt), then would have made or let him lick that ridiculous nail polish right of his faggot fucking feet! Karma, you are truly a piece of shit fucking sausage chute!