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‘TUF 13′ Episode 5 Recap: My F*ck You Punch

(Normal bedtime stuff.)

Len Bentley still has his panties in a bunch from Coach Lesnar’s ass-chewing after Ramsey Nijem defeated Charlie Rader last week. Bentley storms out of the Team Green locker room. “I’m not going to sit here and get punked out,” he says. “It’s like, bro, you weren’t even here for my fight.” Brock is cool with Bentley’s nonviolent protest, but says that deep down Len knows he could’ve given more during his fight. When Bentley returns, Brock admits he hasn’t exactly *watched* that fight yet and Len says if he had, he’d know Bentley got robbed by the judges. “It’s over, buddy,” Lesnar tells him, in a tone that clearly means “big deal.”

Brock says he’s still looking for someone to wow him and then he tries to make an issue out of how fighting is his livelihood. As if he’s not a kabillionaire who just took up MMA like four years ago. “When you guys step in that Octagon, it’s kill or be killed,” Lesnar says. Then, just for good measure, he says it again: “Kill … or be killed.” Now that’s coaching.

After some more bitching from Bentley, we fast-forward to the fight announcement. Junior dos Santos is loving life, noting that his team has already eliminated Brock’s No. 1 and No. 2 picks. This week, he selects the Brit — Mick Bowman — to fight Lesnar’s Clay Harvison.

At a team strategy session, Coach Lew Polley tells the guys it’s boot-on-the-throat time for Team JDS. If Mick can take out Clay, he says, Lesnar’s team will fold. “It’s going to be great seeing the shit I got planned next,” Coach Lew tells Mick. “So don’t make me look like an ass.” Junior shoots him a death glare, obviously wondering if Polley has already forgotten their last little heart-to-heart about whose team this is. The tension only builds at the team’s next practice, as the editing makes it clear that Polley tries to stick his beak in while dos Santos is giving striking tips.

“Lew is here to coach wrestling, just wrestling,” Junior says to the camera. “But he tries to teach boxing, to teach jiu jitsu, he tries to teach everything … It’s not a good idea. I think that’s why it’s (called) Team Dos Santos.”

We get a brief look into both camps’ game plans. They have to break out the subtitles whenever Mick Bowman speaks. His strategy against Harvison involves “peppering him with shots (and) loads of leg kicks” before “smashing him through the mat.” Meanwhile, Clay says he assumes Mick is a brawler, since he’s from Liverpool. Wow, we’re still holding on to that stereotype? How quaint. A self-professed “knucklehead,” Clay’s assures us that he’ll mix things up on the feet and make good use of his jab. “That’s my fuck you punch,” he says.

Apropos of nothing, Clay reminds us that Team Lesnar considers Chris Cope to be a “narc” and says if he finds out Cope has been feeding info to Team JDS, that’s grounds for a straight-up ass whooping. “Don’t look at me, bitch,” Clay hollers (of course not to Cope’s face or anything). “I’ll fucking drag you in the streets and fucking merc your ass right here Vegas.”

Somebody scrawls the words “Chris Cope, Double Agent” into the sand in the zen rock garden and – although Team Lesnar denies responsibility — Chris tries to clear the air over some S’mores around the campfire. He insists he’s a “man of integrity,” but the rest of the team ain’t really trying to hear it. Later, they conduct a full-on bitch session about Cope’s shadiness in the Team Lesnar bedroom. Of course, Cope walks in on it. And of course, Chuck O’Neil moons him. I mean, literally shows Cope his ass. Cope then accuses Anthony Fergusson of  writing that shit about him in the sand and – in the grand old tradition of “TUF” — Tony gets like way, way more upset about it than a normal person ever would. It seems for a moment like it might come to blows, but then it doesn’t.

As an aside, we find out that it was actually Mick Bowman who wrote those things in the sand. He  says he only meant it “as a bit of fun”  because Team JDS thinks Chris Cope tries to spy on them, too, but their whole team is able to have a good laugh over the discord it caused on the other squad.

Fight day! Some last minute instructions and then it’s on …

Round 1
Just as he told us he would, Clay comes out throwing heavy leather, tagging Mick with a couple of shots in the early going. Bowman fires back with some leg kicks. Clay makes nice use of his 1-2 combo, utilizing his “fuck you punch” to good effect. Mick shoots for a takedown as the first minute comes to a close, but gets stuffed. Clay makes him pay with some punches from standing before getting pulled into guard and almost arm-barred like, immediately. He backs out of that shit, lands another straight right and stuffs what is starting to feel like a desperation takedown shot from Bowman. Clay continues to unload, but might be starting to huff and puff a bit in the last two minutes. After some time clinching against the fence, they end the round in the center, where Clay throws a nifty little back elbow and Mick stings him with more leg kicks. 10-9 Clay.

Round 2
Second round starts same as the first, with Clay winning the punching exchanges. After some more clinching (controlled mostly by Clay) they go back to the middle and Bowman lands three jabs and a good inside leg kick. Harvison is starting to look gassed here, but finds a home for a leg kick and then musters the energy for a few more solid punching combos. Mick’s mouth is bloody and with 45 seconds left he tries one last takedown attempt. Clay stuffs it and holds him against the fence until the bell.

That should be a clear cut 10-9 for Clay and a win for Team Lesnar. And it is. Clay Harvison def. Mick Bowman by unanimous decision. Brock says he feels “really excited” in that same monotone voice he uses to express every emotion. He says Clay finally wowed him. Mick goes back to the locker room, buries his head in a towel and bawls. Coach Junior implores him to keep his head up and stay focused for the team.

Uh-oh. Trouble in the Team Green locker room. Turns out, even when these guys win, they lose. Clay says he might’ve broken his pinky and as they pull the gloves off … yep, it’s a compound fracture. The fucking bone is sticking out through the fucking skin. Clay, to his credit, acts like this is in no way a big deal, but it’s pretty clear he won’t be able to continue with the competition.

“He’s out,” says Dana to the camera.

Scenes for next week let us know that the injuries will continue to pile up for Team Lesnar and the conflict between Coach Junior and Coach Lew will finally come to a head. Plus, the last two opening round matchups and the wild card announcement.

Cagepotato Comments

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fatbellyfrank- April 29, 2011 at 7:28 pm
They seem to be a fairly precious bunch of little bitches on this season, that Charlie bader who fought last week, fucker just gave up,gave up man. worrying about some dude watchen em train and stealin their secrets, little message boys, none of you got anything worth takin notes about, shut your whining bitch ass pieholes, listen to your coaches and fucken get on with it
DARKHORSE06- April 29, 2011 at 8:47 am
This season is fucking terrible. I actually watched an old Chris Leben episode the other night just to remind myself why this show was fun. Remember the Right Guard Challenge? Remember when Chuck was fucking that horrible singer chick on the show? Remember when Nate Quarry had all the promise in the world?
Big Shafty- April 29, 2011 at 1:45 am
Coach Lew says JDS is tryin to get camera time when he's the one tryin to take over the team just so he can be on camera. I guess that's the only way he feels he can get into the UFC since he personally hasn't won a fight in 2 years. That and the only known fighter he's been in his career is Vernon White, the black Glass Joe of MMA.
Shatski- April 28, 2011 at 11:23 pm
Watching the last few fights felt like I was watching exactly what they are meant to be. Amateur fights. I haven't seen anybody who lets it go and looks ready for the next level despite everyone actually having pro fights.

This season is boring as shit. Maybe they need to do the "fight to get in the house" round again to see which guys really want it. It kicks the show off in a great way, too. It sucks for the fighters, having to fight that many times in a short period, so maybe they don't want to do to anyone else what they did to Frank Lester in the USA vs UK season where he fought, what, like four times in a matter of weeks?

I'm not sure if I'm going to finish out this season.
joe sons balls- April 28, 2011 at 7:56 pm
wow cagepotato, can you make this site any gayer than that bing ad?
RSparrow- April 28, 2011 at 3:28 pm
jfjfjfjjf, you're a retard.
Blackleg- April 28, 2011 at 1:34 pm
@MKO: Was thinking the same thing, then I remembered... Wolfslair.

nickyroose- April 28, 2011 at 11:24 am
I tivo this shit so I don't have to watch 80% of it. Just the fights and deLewsional Polley. However I thought the Liverpool backstepper clearly won the second round. He got better of all the exchanges and while not kicking ass, the other guy was severely gassed and not doing shit. Thought there should have been round 3 more so than I thought for Len even thought the fight was overall closer, Mick won round two and that should have given sudden death. Getting destroyed in one round and squeaking out round 2 isn't fair but I thought that was the way the rules worked.

Also it seems intensely ironic that somone could threaten Cope w/, :On the streets I'd beat your ass". No need for talk if you're good enough you'll see him in the finals, problem solved.
MKO- April 28, 2011 at 11:01 am
Honestly wondered during the match if Mick had ever actually fought before, or if so, had the rules only allowed leg kicks.
SnackDaddy- April 28, 2011 at 10:52 am
Team Spitsping VS. Team Jail... that's pretty much the only thing that can revive interest in this show.
jfjjfjff- April 28, 2011 at 9:54 am
all i can think watching this season is how butthurt karma must be that he wasnt in there.
djp1988- April 28, 2011 at 9:52 am
"Yeah, uh, punch him... and stuff. You know what kick fuckin' ass? Tractors. Tractors kick fuckin' ass." - Brock Lesnar, on the importance of a strong defensive grappling game.
Blackleg- April 28, 2011 at 9:40 am
I got a good chuckle when, a minute into the second round, Brock is yelling FINISH STRONG CLAY! ... The fuck dude, by all means try and fake out your own guy into hitting the 30 second drill with 3 minutes left. Stupid fuck.

I don't remember his name, but Rader's life-mate with the hatchet face makes me angry on sight. Not sure what it is but the more I see him the greater beating I want to see him take.
Daddy_jeffy- April 28, 2011 at 9:28 am
I was too busy watching NHL Game 7's last night to worry about the watered down talent Dana keeps forcing on us.
thenutman69321- April 28, 2011 at 9:03 am
I can't believe how horrible this damn season is. Every season they somehow make this show worse and worse.

Stop showing the same boring script every episode. 10-15 minutes of one guy training, 10-15 minutes of the other, and then a boring fight that almost always goes to decision. Maybe 5 minutes of something interesting interspersed throughout.

Start showing more about in the house and the pranks they pull and shit. I don't need to see some no talent jack off train for half of every episode.
Uppercut Magnet- April 28, 2011 at 8:27 am
Lew Poley is really getting on my nerves.
mDino- April 28, 2011 at 8:22 am
chris cope > rest of the tough guy team
ExpectJesusBro- April 28, 2011 at 8:07 am
Come on CP. wake up fellas. lets see some writing. this artical is becoming old fast. what a boring show this season. and last season. and the season before... i think i'm gonna stop watching... it's full of shitty commercials anyway. thanks for the recaps CP. I'll just read them instead of wasting that hour every wendsday night.
Palmtreeguy- April 28, 2011 at 7:54 am
I'm not here to toot Lesnars horn but I GUARANTEE that at least 80% of MMA fighters don't like to get hit! Who in their right mind would want to get punched by a shit load of guys who can mangle your face with one punch? So seriously now enough with the slander about how ironic the comments were. At least Lesnar is man enough to admit that. Most guys are whining douches that just can't face the fact that they suck!

But it is clear that Len Bentley is delusional. He still thinks he left it all on the table but its a true fact that he got his ass beat for 2 full rounds. He was helpless the whole fight, and could not get off the mat and really made no real effort to do so. To say that he was robbed by the judges just shows that this guy is a nobody going nowhere fast, on the outbound train to obscurity!
LOKI- April 28, 2011 at 7:42 am
Fucking EDIT.
LOKI- April 28, 2011 at 7:42 am
Also it is grossly obvious how out of sequence the show is shot based on the degeneration of Len's facial hait!
LOKI- April 28, 2011 at 7:40 am
Brock is a goon but I have to admit he isnt a half-bad cage-side coach when his charges listen; Chris and Clay did everything Brock said and it turned out pretty good for both.
Not only was it funny to hear Brock say 'hes afraid to get hit' but the fact that it was true of a Liverpool brawler is very odd to me.
Must be part of Brock's sports psychology regemin to admit that he got pwnd.
I miss Meathead...
chokeu2- April 28, 2011 at 7:37 am
@ O Chan, you got that right!
Lesnar may be a helluva wrestler, but he SUCKS hard as a coach. If Mick wasn't apprehensive in his fight, Lesnars bunch would have suffered another loss.

How is it that hundreds of guys try out for this show, and the guys who make it on the show, seem to be somewhat lackluster. I could be wrong, because we only see what the editors spit out; but none of these guys seem especially technical in their game. They do however, seem to have been chosen because they show well on tv.
FightZen- April 28, 2011 at 7:22 am
Agreed with everyone. The fight last night was lame. It was like the "Say Goodnight, Bitch" street fight. Two guys afraid to engage, slapping at each other. Really underwhelmed with this season.
Crap Factory- April 28, 2011 at 7:22 am
Thanks for the recap. I quit watching after last week. Looks like I didn't miss anything.