(Gentlemen, please. You can *both* eat dicks. / GIF via IronForgesIron)
After a compact ten-episode run, Spike TV’s final season of The Ultimate Fighter ended last night. So what did we learn? Repeating short phrases over and over again gives them more rhetorical power. “Fufessional” is just another word for dumbass. Karma visits upon every asshole.
But before we put this sumbitch to bed, we have two more semi-final fights to get through. John “The Snitchin’ Magician” Dodson is training for his bantamweight face-off with teammate Johnny Bedford, while Bedford blatantly creeps on him the whole time. Coach Mayhem decides he won’t corner either man, leaving that responsibility up to the assistant coaches.
Says Dodson: “I only got taken down once, by Prince [John Albert], and I’m never going to get taken down again.” But taking Lil’ John down is, in fact, Bedford’s gameplan. And he doesn’t think Dodson has the power to hurt him. Dodson giggles and poses in the face-off after weigh-ins. Once again, we marvel at how small this man is, and how he should really be competing at 125, if such a division existed in the UFC. And once again, his size disadvantage probably won’t matter one damn bit.
And it’s go time already. Bedford remarks that Dodson likes to smile after getting hit, but he won’t be smiling in this one. Dodson’s rebuttal: “You ain’t gonna get me dog. You know why? I’m awesome, you’re not.”
Round 1: Bedford and Dodson both land with leg kicks and punches. Bedford fires a pair of high kicks. Bedford shoots in, Dodson defends. Dodson lands a lightning fast knee/punch combo. Bedford tries to clinch and Dodson launches a flurry of inside punches. Dodson sticking and moving, landing counters. Bedford tries to clinch again, but Dodson is too slippery. Bedford with a left. Dodson lands two leg kicks. Bedford clinches and throws some knees but eats a punch as Dodson escapes. Bedford finally gets a takedown, but Dodson is up and out. Bedford tries to swagger-jack Jon Jones with a rolling backfist that misses wide. Dodson fires a looping hook. Bedford dashes forward with a knee, but can’t grab on. Bedford goes body/head with punches. Dodson catches a kick and dumps Bedford down. Bedford gets up and Dodson seems to punt him in the nuts on the way up, but Bedford is unfazed. They scrap to the bell. “I lost that round, didn’t I,” Bedford asks his corner. Yeah, pretty much.
Round 2: Dodson in a great rhythm, landing his counterpunches and exiting. He slaps in an inside leg kick. Now Bedford catches a kick and slugs Dodson against the fence, forcing him to retreat. Dodson lands to the body. Dodson connects on a stiff left that drops Bedford, and follows it up with some wild masturbation punches until Bedford’s soul leaves his body. And so, John Dodson will be facing TJ Dillashaw at the TUF 14 bantamweight finals on Saturday night.
“He looked like a monkey trying to open up a coconut when he was bashing on Bedford’s head” says Louis Gaudinot, an observation that’s equal parts offensive and accurate.
The doctor asks Bedford where he is, and he guesses Ohio. Now what were you saying about Dodson’s power?
Back at the house, Diego Brandao menacingly sharpens a meat-cleaver in the backyard while Bryan Caraway chills in the hot tub, trying to not look terrified. As Coach Bisping puts it, ”Look, I’d be scared of the guy, and he’s only the size of my leg!” Brandao says something about weening TUF so ee can buy house for ees mother.
Caraway just wants to keep his guts on the inside of his body. According to his own calculations, he threw up before his first 30 MMA fights, but is currently riding a three-fight streak of not throwing up. The sport gives him such anxiety that he hates it sometimes. Mayhem tries to talk him down from the ledge. At the end of the day, it’s better to be a UFC fighter than a Starbucks barista. Unless you love coffee and hate fighting, in which case it’s worth it just for the employee discount.
Bedford steps in as the voice of reason: “I’ve seen Diego lose in person. He’s definitely beatable. Bryan’s one of the most experienced guys here.”
But now that his fighter is considered such a massive favorite, Bisping bravely offers to bet Miller $100 on the fight. You can tell that Miller doesn’t want any part of this, but since Bisping made the challenge publicly, in front of both fighters and their teammates, Mayhem gamely accepts.
It’s the last night in the house, and the guys are gettin’ cray-cray. Mayhem rides through the house in his undies. A beer-pong tournament ensues. Meanwhile, Brandao is getting pissed off because he actually has to fight the next day and all this ruckus is fucking with his focus. Still, an angel appeared to Brandao in a dream, and told him he’s going back to Brazil to help a lot of families for Christmas. So he’s got that going for him.
“The pressure’s just as much on him,” Bryan says, not sounding too convinced. Meanwhile, Diego is upstairs beating the shit out of a box-spring.
And here it is, TUF 14′s final battle…
Round 1: Brandao opens with high kicks. Caraway shoots in to clinch, Brandao defends and escapes. A big haymaker from Brandao glances off the top of Caraway’s head. Caraway shoots, Brandao sprawls. Big kick from Brandao. Caraway returns fire. Brandao tries a superman punch, Caraway grabs him and pushes him to fence. Brandao knees him off. Brandao lands a leg kick that spins Caraway around. Brandao with a body punch, Caraway with a left hook. Hard leg kick from Brandao. Caraway shoots and misses, Brandao makes him pay with punches. Brandao lands another hard leg kick spins Caraway 360 degrees. Brandao fires an overhand right, Caraway mimics it. Brandao launches a flying knee that drops Caraway. Brandao starts jackhammering punches from the top. Caraway does his best to move around on his back and avoid damage. Caraway finally gets up but he’s still dazed, and gets dropped by another punch. More ground and pound. Caraway is tough as fucking nails and won’t quit. He gets up again, Brandao slugs him and Caraway collapses to his back. Another punch from Brandao finally finds Caraway’s off button. That’s three straight first-round knockouts for Diego Brandao. He’ll meet Dennis Bermudez in the featherweight finals.
The first thing Brandao does after the fight is threaten to smash Bermudez for talking shit the night before, a charge that Bermudez denies. Bisping’s prediction: “Diego kills Bermudez and goes on to be a big star in the UFC.” Now that he’s in the finals, Brandao promises to buy his mom a house, get his brother out of the drogas, and change his life. Seriously? They’re still just paying you guys $10k/$10k, right?
Before it’s time to leave, Dana has the coaches rub their foreheads together in one last face-off before their live fight at the Finale on Saturday. “Welcome to the UFC, dickhead,” Bisping says. “Back to the little leagues after this. Go find another TV show to present.”
“I feel like my whole life has been building up to beat this one bully,” Mayhem says.
Come back to CagePotato.com on Saturday night for our liveblog of the TUF 14 Finale main card. The full lineup looks like this:
Preliminary Card (Facebook)
- Dustin Pague vs. John Albert (BW)
- Louis Gaudinot vs. Johnny Bedford (BW)
- Marcus Brimage vs. Stephen Bass (FW)
- Josh Clopton vs. Steven Siler (FW)
- Bryan Caraway vs. Dustin Neace (FW)
- Roland Delorme vs. Josh Ferguson (BW)