Steroids in MMA
Which MMA Fighter Will Test Positive For Steroids Next?

TUF 8.01 Recap: A Show of Balls

The season premiere of The Ultimate Fighter: Team Nogueira vs. Team Mir began not with a bang, but with a whimper: As the 32 UFC hopefuls lined up to get pep-talked by Dana White, Phillipe Nover got a case of the vapors and passed out. (Is this show hardcore or what?!) To add further embarrassment to his situation, nobody seems to know how to pronounce Nover’s first name. He says “Filip,” but everyone else decides to go with the more ethnic-sounding “fi-LEEP” or “fi-LEEP-ay.” The guys are told they’ll be given 24 hours to cut weight, and will fight the following day. Our Guamanian buddy Joe Duarte comes in ten pounds over, but it ain’t no thing to him. Jason Guida, on the other hand, comes in like 47 pounds over.

During his agonizing cutting process, Guida pukes into a toilet like a sorority girl after a big date, then cramps up completely and his team has to look at his balls flopping out of his towel (see above). A doctor checks him out and says he can weigh in one more time before he’s given IV fluids and taken to a hospital. His final score: 207. One pound away. He fucked up, and he’s furious. He tells NSAC executive director Keith Kizer that he’ll “never be forgiven.” We are treated to this classic exchange…

Guida: “Just let me do this, doc.”
Kizer: “I’m not a doc, but no.”

And Mike Stewart, who was hanging out in the parking lot for just such an opportunity, gets in as an alternate. Then it’s time for the fights…

Krzystof Soszynski vs. Mike Stewart (205): Stewart gets jacked right away with a huge left hook, and then swarmed with strikes until the ref stops it. Back to the parking lot, buddy. By the way, there’s no fucking way I’m spelling out “Krzystof Soszynski” ever again. He will be referred to as K-Sos from now on.

Fernando Bernstein vs Dave Kaplan (155): Bernstein, a man after my own Hispanojew heart, faces another nice Jewish boy in Kaplan. Bernstein seems to strictly be a kickboxer, though, and after some ferocious striking exchanges, Kaplan gets the fight to the ground and sinks in a rear-naked choke. Dana suggests that Bernstein change his nickname from “Machete” to “Butter Knife.”

Joe Duarte vs. Phillipe Nover (155): Duarte gets kneed in the pills early and takes a moment to recover. Nover proves to be a crafty striker, working knees and hard foot stomps in the clinch. Duarte nails Nover with a big left that sends The Fainter to the ground. Duarte gets on top and takes Nover’s back, but Nover stays busy, slugging Duarte in the face from behind until the round ends. Nover takes Duarte down as the second round starts and sinks in a rear-naked-choke. So maybe he’s not the next Anderson Silva?

Eric Magee vs. Jules Bruchez (205): Magee scores a takedown early and almost pulls off a guillotine choke, but Bruchez reverses, gets on Magee’s back and chokes him out. Bruchez goes apeshit and starts running his mouth. “See that shit?” he screams at Dana White. “I saw that shit,” Dana deadpans.

Highlights are shown from the next three fights…

Vinny Magalhaes vs. Lance Evans (205): Evans (Rashad’s brother) suffers a rib injury in the first round and can’t continue to the second. Magalhaes advances.

Antwain Britt vs. Ryan Jimmo (205): Britt wins by majority decision.

Brian McLaughlin vs. Brandon Garner (205): Garner nails McLaughlin with a devastating illegal knee to the dome while McLaughlin was in a kneeling position. McLaughlin says he feels lightheaded when the doctors ask him if he can continue. It’s ruled a no-contest — the first such result in TUF history. Partly because McLaughlin was winning the fight up to that point, Dana White decides to send Garner home.

Junie Browning vs. Jose “Hitler Dog” Aguilar (155):
And now the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Aside from a few heel-hook attempts, Aguilar has nothing for Browning, who dominates from the start with sharp striking and takedowns. Mir clearly has a man-crush on Junie, telling Nogueira repeatedly how much he likes this kid, and screaming encouragement at every turn. (It occurs to me that Mir’s team will have a distinct advantage with him as a cornerman — he’s loud, precise, and doesn’t require subtitles.) Browning whales on Aguilar from above for the second half of the first round, and nearly sets up a triangle choke from top position. Aguilar is saved by the bell, but just like Hitler in the bunker, he quits before he can take any more punishment. “I’m pretty,” he says, caressing his face. “That’s all that matters bro.” Yep. And the other “straight-up criminals” will appreciate that when you eventually wind up in prison.

Junie leaves us with this bit of foreshadowing: “I heard there’s free alcohol in the house. That ain’t good.”

Cagepotato Comments

Showing 1-25 of comments

Sort by : Show hidden comments
WOW- September 20, 2008 at 2:27 am
TUF guy is a complete ass jockey! the guy thinks this is some kind of instant messaging. he writes a comments, then comes back responds to others and does it all over again. when i read punches self in kidney i thought this was all a joke. i bet TUF Guy is 5'2".
i loved when junebug said "he's got a better chance of getting me pregnant." i have a feeling this kid is gonna be all kinds of funny. and yes, this photo needs to be part of a caption contest.
Anonymous- September 18, 2008 at 7:31 am
Haha, yea, I can certainly see some Gary Busey in Junie :)
KTFO- September 18, 2008 at 2:33 am
Good call on the Guida-Kizer exchange, I laughed my ass off when I saw that. I also liked the whiny bitch way he says "you don't understand" as he heads into the dressing room. It's obvious were all the heart/talent/self-control in that family went.
Ouch! That hurts- September 18, 2008 at 2:10 am
@ Clue-by-four, priceless!
Dex- September 18, 2008 at 12:41 am
hispanojew LOL!!! That was hilarious. I love this site.
UFC fan- September 17, 2008 at 11:47 pm
All I'm trying to say Clue-by-four is TUF Guy is such a flaming homo that even fags call him gay! :)
Clue-by-Four- September 17, 2008 at 9:17 pm
Come on folks, calling TUF Guy gay is an unfair criticism of gays.
TUF Guy's Maxi Pad- September 17, 2008 at 9:11 pm
Who wants to watch Beaches with me tonight? I'm lonely and need a cuddle.
UFC fan- September 17, 2008 at 8:51 pm
TUF guy you are so dumb you don't even get it that Ben took time out to make fun of you......You are the lamest person on any MMA forum.
No one BUT you think you are cool, or scary, everyone has made fun of you, its a united front. We all think you are sack of monkey shit :)
You got called Gay by Ben, so thats it, from now on you are GAY Guy! no more Tuf, you are not tough tuff or tuf or even the stuff, you are officially GAY!
I think we all should drive down to chicago and take turns punching you in your gay mouth......then all the gay men on this forum can put their dicks in your bleeding toothless mouth, and we can all take pictures of it. You will love that GAY guy, ha.
whaaa?- September 17, 2008 at 7:40 pm
I think Mir knows something about Junie he's not telling. Like the guy bet on himself to lose in the first round or something, why else would he be trying to get Nog to pick him with the whole I really like this guy schtick.
BigFootsDick- September 17, 2008 at 7:36 pm
I banged TUF Guy in the butt.
TUF Guy- September 17, 2008 at 6:54 pm
I am affecting your real life HAHAHA. You are the 10th person that typed up an unsucessfull essay for no reason at all TRYING really hard to get someone to agree with you. Here is what you do next, type up a response praising your witty comments using a different name, that will make you feel somewhat better.
Me- September 17, 2008 at 6:27 pm
We had to know this was going to happen after the comments were fixed. Now the trolls have been set free from their cages.
DDT- September 17, 2008 at 6:07 pm
Ahh, its been a while since CP comments turned into a raging insult fest. Hey at least there are a lot off comments. Good readin'.
ben- September 17, 2008 at 6:03 pm
@ Me, Confused:

That retarded sentence is now fixed. I gotta stop sniffing glue first thing in the morning.

@ TUF Guy:

"You might be used to typing away at keyboards all day I type away at faces."

That's the single gayest thing anyone's ever written on this site. You can leave now.
Me- September 17, 2008 at 5:46 pm
I see, TUF Guy is the character that Jack was based on in Tropic Thunder. He lives life as a full retard.

A typical day in the life of TUF Gay herein named "Jason".

Jason's Mom: Okay Jason, you've spent enough time on the computer.
Jason: It's TUF Guy mom! I told you my name is TU.. FUCK T..T...TUUUUUFFFFF Guy!!
Jason's Mom: Okay "Tough Guy", come on up and eat lunch.
Jason: FUCK SHIT BITCH BITCH MOM, it's TUF T-U-F cuz I yell it when I type it! Bitch! TUF Guy. TUF!!!!!
Jason's Mom: Did you take your pills today Jason?
Jason: TUUUUUUUF!!! TUF, yes mom I took TUF them TUF...
Jason's Mom: Are you sure you took ALL you pills? because you sound a bit angry today.
Jason: I told you I don't TUF take those anymore mom TUF. I only take the strong man pills now TUUUUFFFF, cuz I'm going to be big and TUF strong TUF! Bitch TUF!!!

meh I'm tired of feeding this troll, no more typing for me today.

anyways, look out Guida mom you may be in danger

Rob- September 17, 2008 at 5:32 pm
Did any of you guys feel sorry for Mike Stewart's dad? Lol
Confused- September 17, 2008 at 5:18 pm
"Brian McLaughlin vs. Brandon Garner (205): Garner nails McLaughlin with a devastating illegal knee to Garner’s head while Garner was in a kneeling position. Brian says he feels lightheaded when the doctors ask him if he can continue. It’s ruled a no-contest — the first such result in TUF history. Partly because McLaughlin was winning the fight up to that point, Dana White decides to send Garner home."

I'm so confused. Fighter B hits Fighter A to B's head while B was kneeling. A is lightheaded. A was winning the fight, B goes home.

I was a little drunk when I watched this (maybe not as drunk as the Cage Potato guy that wrote this). What actually happened?
spacealias- September 17, 2008 at 5:11 pm
Junie = young Gary Busey
TUF Guy- September 17, 2008 at 5:06 pm
@ UFC Fan, keep your homoerotic fantasies to yourself. Please drive down so we can make fun of your tanktop and the bellybutton ring.
UFC fan- September 17, 2008 at 4:54 pm
But TUF Guy.......what about you wanting my ballsack on your chin?
You didn't mention that cause it turned you on....come on admit it, you wrote that cause you are gay and you really want to swallow my cum....I knew it!
Look faggot don't make me drive down and beat you with your own festering liver.
ProCannonFodder- September 17, 2008 at 4:52 pm
I just read that EliteXC signed Jason Guida. It's good to know that you can be a douche in your chance at the majors and still get work with others.
TUF Guy- September 17, 2008 at 4:50 pm
You're old and bald. I have respect for my elders so I am just gonna insult you as little as I can with the next few statements. 1st of all, I see that you idiots have nothing on me but to pull out your spell checks. You might be used to typing away at keyboards all day I type away at faces. If you feel like I insulted you because you are an idiot then hooray for me, that was the whole point. Nothing you can say or do can hurt me thus your opinions are void. I wish I had the time to address all you morons one by one but just like in real life, when I am beating up a bunch of sissies at the same time I don't take the time to look at each one and then decide where to land my lethal strikes, I just swing in their direction. That is exactly what is happening here, but your stupidity and your lame comments just stood out even more. You are like a hard, dark turd in a pool of diareha. So you asked to be addressed individualy without even asking for it.
hevhtr- September 17, 2008 at 4:42 pm
First of all let me clear this up. Guida was not 47lbs over weight. He came in at 217 and couldn't lose the last pound. Not making excuses it is what it is. What you guys have to remember is that this is a "blog". The information reported here is this guys opinion/ thoughts. Thus the extreme over exaggeration of 47lbs over weight.
ProCannonFodder- September 17, 2008 at 4:41 pm
TUF GUY=Nick Diaz's mom