TUF 9.3 Recap — Bloody Scallywags

The Ultimate Fighter 9: Episode 3 Stoppages - Watch more Funny Videos
(Last night's stoppages. See you at the TUF 9 finale, Rob.)

To quote Sgt. Hartman, it looks to me like the best part of Rob Browning ran down the crack of his momma's ass and ended up as a stain on the mattress. My God what a useless dipshit. He's like the dumbest redneck in the world doing a bad impression of Junie Browning. Anyway, he's gone now, after folding like a bitch at the first sign of pressure during last night's episode of The Ultimate Fighter: U.S. vs. U.K., meaning UFC washout Jason Dent is now a full-fledged member of Team USA. The 8th American spot went to welterweight alternate Frank Lester who benefitted from Kiel Reid's unfortunate self-knockout.  But before all that...

Both teams arrive at the TUF house, and everyone's fairly cool with each other at first. But when nobody steps up to be Rob Browning's drinking buddy — his Shane Nelson, if you will — he gets all butthurt and starts launching eggs at his housemates from a balcony. Then he pisses in a shower, and promptly gets in the face of the larger Jason Pierce (a recurring theme with these Browning brothers). Rob smashes an egg on Jason's chest, and Jason shows tremendous restraint in not ripping him about five new assholes.

Sensing trouble in the wind, all the housemates except Rob gather for an impromptu house meeting, where ground rules for pranks are covered. It appears that nobody in this cast wants to eat semen. (At least not yet, and not by surprise.)

Team workouts are held the next day. Dan Henderson, who still seems half-asleep, wants to focus on wrestling and clinch work because "wrestling in the UK is almost non-existant." Jeremy Horn-student Damarques Johnson begins to emerge as a dynamic team leader, rallying the Americans (even Rob!) after the workout, and taking it upon himself to get in Bisping's head a little bit, raving about the unity of his team while the Count is in earshot. Bisping recognizes the gamesmanship, but respects it. Johnson, on the other hand, already has a personal grudge against the UK coach. "Bisping's like that proud parent at a church basketball game that I got in a fist-fight with," Johnson says. I like this guy already.

Rob "Benedict Arnold" Browning tries to get in good with Team UK, who secretly hate his guts. "Put another shrimp on the barbie," Browning says, in an epically failed attempt to mimic the British dialect.

Anticipation runs high before the last Team USA qualifiers. First up are the welterweights, Miletich fighter Kiel Reid and Frank Lester, who's filling in for the non-weight-making Christian Fulgium. Reid scores first with a lovely right hook/takedown combo that puts Lester on his ass. But he can't capitalize on the position, and Lester gets up (narrowly avoiding a guillotine choke), then lands a knee and some punches on Reid, who shoots to stop the abuse. When his initial takedown attempt is stuffed, he slams Lester, but knocks himself out in the process. Lester begins cranking an armlock, and when it's clear that the dazed Reid isn't defending it, Steve Mazzagatti jumps in to stop the fight. After Mazz explains to Reid what just happened, the Iowan says "you can't beat me" to Lester, who responds "I just did" and says "whooo!" a couple times.

Then it's time for the lightweights: Jason Dent, and Rob Browning, who generally competes as a bantamweight. It's clear from the beginning that they both kind of suck. Jason Dent sticks his chin way out for most of the match (and not in an intentional, Nick Diaz sort of way), and will probably be KO'd by the first decent striker he faces on the show. Browning lands some solid leg kicks, but as soon as Dent begins to land some shots of his own, Browning does some Blevins-esque turtling and waits for Steve to save him.

Everybody is relieved. "I didn't want to deal with another Junie Browning this season," Hendo says. As Rob exits the cage he whispers to Dana, "135 here I come." Right. Torres vs. Browning should totally headline the next WEC show. MAKE IT HAPPEN, DANA.