(Uncontrollable giggling is probably not the reaction Brock had in mind when he got that tattoo. Photo courtesy of MMA Junkie.)
Maybe you’ve been a fan since Gerard Gordeau kicked Teila Tuli’s teeth into the second row. Maybe you’ve been a fan since Griffin and Bonnar threw down at the first TUF finale. Maybe you’re here because "UFC 100" has been a Trending Topic on Twitter all day. Whoever you are, we welcome you.
The menu for tonight: Brock Lesnar seeks Ultimate Validation against the man who humiliated him in his UFC debut. Georges St. Pierre meets the strongest, hungriest, scariest challenger of his title reign. Dan Henderson defends his country’s reputation against the British Invasion. A semi-famous blonde will hold a ring card and blow kisses to the camera. Smart-ass fans may or may not chant "Fedor!" after the final match. Minds will be blown, hearts will be broken, pants will be shat. Are you ready? Are you ready?
Round-by-round updates from the pay-per-view broadcast are after the jump. Refresh the page every few minutes for all the latest. Start stretching, Bruce…
The Las Vegas crowd is frighteningly amped up. Goldberg mentions the inductions of Chuck Liddell and Charles "Mask" Lewis Jr. into the UFC Hall of Fame. Rogan looks like he got a haircut for this broadcast — total professionalism. The blonde and beautiful Holly Madison blows her first kiss to the home viewers. Edith is conspicuously absent.
Yoshihro Akiyama vs. Alan Belcher
Sexyama comes out to "Time to Say Goodbye." Not the Andrea Bocelli version, but still, if there are any middle-aged women watching, they’re swooning right now. No difference in reach, even though Belcher has a four-inch height-advantage. Holly makes her first lap around the cage. It’s go time.
Round 1: Belcher tries some leg kicks off the bat. Akiyama flicks out a roundhouse, then dashes in with a straight right. But Belcher responds with a hard body kick. Belcher runs into a punch. Hugh kick Akiyama. Belcher kicks Akiyama in the pills hard, and Akiyama is rolling around in pain. He comes back out after a couple minutes and they’re back throwing. Belcher with a right, but Akiyama returns. They trade leg kicks. Akiyama catches a body kick and throws in a punch. Leg kick Akiyama. A left hook drops Akiyama, but he bounces back up. Akiyama lands a straight right. The crowd chants U!S!A! High kick and a punch from Akiyama. Leg kick Belcher. Superman punch from Akiyama gets through, and a right uppercut that gets Belcher on his heels. They clinch against the fence and Belcher slams in a sharp elbow.Leg kick from Belcher, but Akiyama catches it and punches Belcher down. They work for position on the ground until the bell. Close round.
Round 2: Akiyama catches a body kick off the bell and uses his judo to get Belcher to the ground. But Belcher sweeps from the bottom and almost reverses position. Akiyama stays on Belcher and moves to side control and drops an elbow. Belcher establishes full ground. Akiyama postures up and throws down a big elbow. Belcher trying hard to control Akiyama’s hands. Another nice punch from the top from Akiyama. Belcher locks down one of Akiyama’s legs with his own, then works his way to his feet. Uppercut Akiyama, leg kick Belcher. Another hard leg kick from Belcher. They trade punches. Two more leg kicks by Belcher. Akiyama with a hard left. They both look a little gassed. Akiyama puts his hands on his hips. Another hard leg kick from Belcher; he really needs to get out of the range of those. Another leg kick, and another. Close round again; Akiayama spent the first half on top, then Belcher outstruck him in the second half.
Round 3: Leg kicks Belcher, and a jab. Body shot Belcher, and Akiyama returns with a left hook. Belcher’s leg kicks are still landing, but they’re looking slower. Akiyama’s left eye is swollen shut. Leg kick Belcher. Spinning back kick from Akiyama. Three leg kicks from Belcher. Akiyama with a straight right. They trade punches. Akiyama snaps Belcher’s head back with a right. Akiyama catches a leg kick and punches Belcher to the mat, but Belcher somersauls his way out of danger and gets back up. Akiyama says "bring it on" and gets wrecked by a Superman punch. That’s what you get. Akiayama dodges a spinning backfist and rushes in to take Belcher down, but Belcher quickly gets back up and throws leather until the bell. It’s looking like a decision for the Talent.
The scores are 30-27 Akiyama (!!!), 29-28 Belcher, 29-28 for Akiyama in a minor robbery. Wow. Yoshihiro Akiyama def. Alan Belcher via split decision.
Dan Henderson vs. Michael Bisping
Mike Goldberg talks about Bisping’s popularity as the fans in the arena boo him loudly.
Round 1: Bisping staying to the outside. Henderson charges forward, swinging at air. Bisping backpedaling. Henderson swarms with punches and Bisping looks hurt. Hendo lands a big right. Bisping looks very tentative. Bisping with a right straight. Henderson returns. Another right from Bisping. A jab from Bisping makes Henderson slip, but then he’s back stalking. Henderson with a right, Bisping throws the uppercut. Nice kick/punch combo from Bisping. It’s all forward forward forward for Hendo. Nice right from Bisping. Hendo clinches, throws some knees to the body. Bisping fires in a couple of his own, and separates. Bisping tries to shoot and is easily stuffed. A right from Henderson shakes Bisping at the bell. An easy 10-9 for Hendo.
Round 2: Bisping’s corner called his first round "pathetic." Leg kick Bisping. And another. Hendo whiffs on an overhand right and absorbs a knee to the body. Big right hand from Henderson that lands. Leg kick/punch from Henderson. Hendo lands a left hook to Bisping’s ear. Bisping lands a right. Hendo chasing with a fury. And he finds the knockout punch he was looking for the entire fight. The right hand that Bisping was afraid of, knocks the Brit absolutely dead. Dan Henderson def. Michael Bisping via KO, 3:20 of round 2. Good news: Bisping is still alive. After a couple minutes on the ground, Bisping gets to his feet with assistance from Stitch Duran. Hendo says the last shot he gave Bisping on the ground was just to shut him up. Hendo says he’s down for Anderson Silva, or whoever the UFC gives him. Afterparty at the Brew Pub at the Monte Carlo!
Georges St. Pierre vs. Thiago Alves
Surprising that this is going before Fitch/Thiago. Are they worried that the card will go long? GSP enters the cage to rapturous applause. GSP and Alves stare each other down at opposite ends of the cage. Steve "Fuckup" Mazzagatti will be handling this one.
Round 1: Leg kick GSP. Alves fires a high kick, but it’s blocked. GSP shoots for the takedown and gets it. Alves tries to struggle to his feet, but GSP slams him back down and gets on top. Alves gets to his feet, but again GSP drags him down and takes his back. Alves spins out and gets to his feet. GSP throws a body shot, Alves returns with a hook. GSP lands punches and a kick. GSP shoots and is stuffed. GSP throws a reverse kick. Alves dashes in with punches, and throws a kick which GSP catches, taking Alves to the ground. Again, Alves doesn’t stay on the mat for long. They clinch to the bell. 10-9 GSP.
Round 2: Slick superman punch/leg kick combo from GSP. Alves lands a right. GSP lands the superman/kick combo again, and follows it up with a takedown. GSP drops punches and elbows from full guard. Alves leaking blood out of his nose. Alves trying to hammer-fist from the bottom. He’s stuck under GSP. GSP lands a nice punch from the top. Alves spins out wonderfully, gets to his feet, and they clinch against the cage. Alves escapes and the horn sounds. 10-9 GSP for top-control dominance. Greg Jackson is a calming influence in the corner. "What a great round, I’m so proud of you!"
Round 3: Alves stuffs a takedown. Leg kick and body kick from Alves. GSP lands a 1-2 and nails a takedown. Alves elbowing from the bottom. GSP slips in some punches, as Alves does his best to control GSP’s body. Alves scrambles to his feet. Alves stalking forward with strikes. Leg kick Alves. Body kick GSP, and a punch that drops Alves. GSP jumps on top and tries to finish, but Alves holds onto the champ’s arms and head. And there’s the horn. 10-9 GSP, heading into the championship rounds.
Round 4: GSP jabbing. He shoots again and slams Alves to the mat. He passes to mount. GSP looking for the arm-triangle choke, but loses it as Thiago establishes half-guard. Alves scrambles to his knees. GSP takes his back, but Alves shakes him off and reverses position. Alves in GSP’s butterfly guard, throwing punches. More punches from Alves, but GSP works to his feet. GSP lands a left hook. They clinch briefly. Alves whiffs on an uppercut. GSP catches a leg kick, and shoves Alves down. Alves gets to his knees and GSP takes his back, looking for the choke. Alves defends as the round ends. Another one for GSP.
Round 5: Leg kick Alves. GSP gives one back. Another superman/leg kick combo from the champ. Alves tries for the high kick. GSP takes Alves down. Alves gets to his feet and they clinch. Alves pushes off. They trade punches. GSP shoots for the takedown, and Alves defends it against the fence, but GSP just lifts him up and slams him down. Alves gets up. GSP slips a punch and gets another takedown. "It’s a rout, Mike," Rogan says. They clinch on the ground. Joe Silva tells Rogan that the winner of Swick/Kampmann will get GSP. Poor guys. GSP in half-guard, riding Alves to the bell. Alves gets up, GSP grabs his back and drags him back down as the last horn sounds. 50-45 GSP, the way I see it. GSP says he pulled his groin in the third. He’s grabbing his crotch and limping.
Georges St. Pierre def. Thiago Alves via unanimous decision (50-45, 50-44, 50-45)
The crowd loves the idea of GSP moving up to fight Anderson Silva. GSP says he walks around at 185, so he might have to gain some weight first.
Brock Lesnar vs. Frank Mir
Sorry Jon Fitch and Paulo Thiago — your asses just got swing bout’d. Frank Mir comes out groovin’ to some autotune garbage. I thought Hova just killed that? Mir still has the lump on his head that Forrest Griffin gave him in training. Rogan is worried that it might open up during the fight. I’m worried that Lesnar will literally rip him a new asshole. And there’s Brock, coming out to "Enter Sandman," putting the universe back into balance.
Lesnar said he pulled the horseshoe out of Mir’s ass and beat him over the head with it. Lesnar says he’s gonna drink a *Coors* Light, because Bud Light won’t pay him nothing, and he might even get on top of his wife tonight. WHOOOOO!!! What a heel!
Jon Fitch vs. Paulo Thiago
And more technical difficulties. Really sorry about that, guys. Here’s what happened in the Fitch/Thiago fight:
Round 1: Body kick Fitch. Leg kick Fitch. Great takedown by Fitch, but Thiago grabs an arm-in guillotine in full guard. Fitch slugging Thiago in the ribs. Thiago sits up against the cage, still holding on to the neck. He switches to a d’arce attempt, then goes back to a guillotine. Fitch finally escapes. Thiago clamps down on his body to avoid damage. Thiago gets to his feet, but Fitch stays on his back. Fitch throws some elbows into the side of Thiago’s head on the ground. Fitch tries for a kimura as the round ends.
Round 2: Fitch lands a right and shoots. They clinch against the cage, and Fitch finally drags Thiago to the ground. Thiago tries to wrap up Fitch’s head again, but Fitch pops out. Thiago rolls and stands. Fitch hangs onto Thiago’s back. Fitch slams Thiago back down and takes his back, looking for a rear-naked. Thiago rolls to his knees and Fitch slugs him in the head. Thiago again works his way to his feet with Fitch sticking on his back. It’s clear that most of the fans have already left to beat the traffic.
Round 3: Fitch sticks a right and throws a high kick. Fitch with a punch combo, then the inevitable takedown. Thiago holding from the bottom, then rolls again. Fitch on his back and transitions to mount. Thiago rolls and stands with Fitch on his back. He jumps backwards to try to shake Fitch off, but Fitch stays on. Thiago works his way to an arm-triangle attempt, but Fitch defends and gets on top. Thiago rolls and Fitch throws punches into the side of his head. Fitch clamps down and goes for the rear-naked again. Thiago does his best to stay alive, turtling into the cage. Thiago rolls and Fitch doggedly goes after the submission until the last horn.
Jon Fitch def. Paulo Thiago via unanimous decision (30-27, 29-28, 30-27)
And that’s the show. GSP officially cleans out the welterweight division, Michael Bisping’s golden boy run hits a speedbump, and Brock Lesnar becomes the undisputed heavyweight champion you love to hate.
And they said we wouldn’t last…