Steroids in MMA
Which MMA Fighter Will Test Positive For Steroids Next?

UFC 153 Pay-Per-View Buys Confirm That Squash Matches Are Totally Hot Right Now

(We’re sorry, Stephan, but unless those things are actual guns, you’re getting your ass kicked tonight.) 

In the days leading up to UFC 153, many of you (and by you, we mean the entire MMA Interwebz) had some less than favorable things to say about the pairing of Stephan Bonnar and Anderson Silva. As if the bookies hadn’t told us all we needed to know, the general consensus among fans seemed to be the evening’s main event was a “travesty, a sham, and a mockery” that “blasphemed the great sport of MMA” and was a “completely meaningless squash match” whose “insulting pairing” would be reflected in “the abysmal pay-per-view numbers it receives.” And those were the favorable comments.

But for every fifteen of you complaining, there were apparently five or more of you who were forced to stifle your true excitement over this matchup like a pedo at a tee-ball game, because if the early numbers are any indication, squash matches featuring unstoppable killing machines are the new superfights. According to several reports, the pay-per-view numbers for UFC 153 are in the range of 340,00 to 410,000 buys. These numbers not only exceeded expectation, but are not that far below September’s squash match of the month featuring Jon Jones and Vitor Belfort, which managed to clear over 450,000 buys despite having those little guys that no one cares about fighting in the night’s co-main event.

While the numbers for UFC 153 might not be that outstanding at a glance, first consider that aside from Anderson Silva, UFC 153 was essentially deprived of the kind of star power that casual fans are willing to fork over 50 dollars for, thanks in no small part to our friend the injury curse. The co-main event featured Dave freaking Herman for Chrissakes. Jon Fitch was on the main card, you guys. Jon. Fitch. These are not factors that normally add up to UFC gold, yet thanks to the power of one genetically-enhanced cyborg from the future and the pure enthusiasm of Brazilian fans, UFC 153 managed to come out with better numbers than UFC 147 and 150 combined.

So although we may never get the Silva/Jones superfight we’ve always wanted, enough of us will keep tuning in for the mere opportunity to watch either one of them beat the shit out of a hapless opponent. Based on these numbers, we estimate that Jon Jones vs. Chael Sonnen will do upwards of 24 million buys, receive it’s own television spin-off, and return to theaters in stunning 3D in 2014. And the Ferris wheel keeps on a spinnin’.

No wonder Silva doesn’t want to fight Chris Weidman or Michael Bisping; their chances of not being completely embarrassed out there lie just outside the fan’s interest range. Andy knows that we want to see him keep his hands at his sides, evade then shuffle back to where his opponent just tried to hit him, and deliver one-shot knockouts at the drop of a hat or not see him at all. You know what your audience likes, Joe, now set up the Silva vs Kyle Maynard super-squash-match-extravaganza that we have all been begging for!

-J. Jones

Cagepotato Comments

Showing 1-25 of comments

Sort by : Show hidden comments
Mr_Misanthropy- October 22, 2012 at 9:05 pm
Stefan Bonair looking for his lost dog down by the beach.
Pen Fifteen- October 22, 2012 at 5:28 pm
Nobody had to shell out $50 to see Federer squash those guys either, nor did he have to worry about his opponent potentially giving him a head trauma or mangling one of his appendages. Apples and oranges.
Buster Hyman- October 22, 2012 at 5:12 pm
Fuck it Dana put on a 2 on 2 match up with Rhonda and Brock vs overeem and cyborg let fedor referee while the diaz brothers call the play by play and make it rain for days
holeeball- October 22, 2012 at 3:26 pm
If Silva went vs Weidman it would sell less because other than 'you guys' nobody knows who the hell Weidman is.
holeeball- October 22, 2012 at 3:22 pm
Not to mention Silva carried the whole card practically by himself.
HJA- October 22, 2012 at 3:18 pm
A squash match in mma is just part of the season or tournament in any other sport. Roger Federer came into this year's US Open ranked #1 in the world and proceeded to beat the ever living shit out of his first two opponents. That's what real champions do--they start with the pack and knock 'em down one by one. The idea that a champion only has to show up a few times a year, having trained for months for a single opponent, is unique to the fight game and aberrational in the broader context of professional sports.
joerogan420weednigga- October 22, 2012 at 2:54 pm
Silva vs Bisping is a squash match and everyone knows it. I would gladly pay $50 to see Silva put his lights out. Lets see if he can do it more impressively than Hendo.
Alan K- October 22, 2012 at 2:50 pm
I never got why so many people hated the matchup in the first place. Yeah, I like seeing important fights between top fighters too but sometimes I just want to see someone get the crap kicked out of them and I knew Silva/Bonnar would give me that and it did and it was awesome. Worth every penny.
holeeball- October 22, 2012 at 1:29 pm
Let's have pussy Jones drop to 195 then we'll see who's who in MMA.
I mean this guy keeps repeating he wants to leave a legacy so let's go. We're waiting for you, pussy Jones. Just kill that doofus Sonnen and be a Man.
joerogan420weednigga- October 22, 2012 at 2:55 pm
No fucking way Jones can make 195.