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UFC 159: Jones vs. Sonnen — Live Results & Commentary

(Good. Now that Chael knows what it feels like to make contact with Jon Jones, let’s get this execution over with. / Photo via MMAJunkie)

There’s not much to say about Jon Jones vs. Chael Sonnen at this point, other than the fact that Jones will be tying Tito Ortiz’s record for light-heavyweight title defenses (5) tonight, and Danga has already written Chael’s retirement rap. Luckily, UFC 159 features some legitimate fights as well, from Jim Miller meeting his taller, skinner doppelganger, to Roy Nelson meeting his polar opposite. Plus: Michael Bisping faces off against some retard from Mississippi (his words, not ours!), and Vinny Magalhaes tangles with Phil Davis.

Handling liveblog duties for this evening is Alex Giardini, who will be delivering round-by-round results from the “Jones vs. Sonnen” main card after the jump beginning at 10 p.m. ET / 7 p.m. PT. Refresh the page every few minutes for all the latest, and let us know what’s on your mind in the comments section.

Alright, Potato Nation…we are set for a main event less relevant than any season of Survivor past the year 2002. Since everyone is counting out the possibility of a competitive fight tonight, what will the post-fight interviews sound like? Will Jones gain or make most fans nauseous with the holier-than-though approach? Will Sonnen take his ball and go home or call out Evander Holyfield and Lorenzo Fertitta at the same time?

The co-main event features the fan-favorite Michael Bisping takes on possible Union Jack recipient Alan Belcher. After the Brit insulted Belcher’s skills as well as his Kim Jong-il tattoo, we’re pretty much looking forward to a first-round finish for either man.

Also on the card is Weight Watchers’ own Roy Nelson against the Mortal Kombat-built Cheick Kongo as well as a grudge match between Phil Davis and Vinny Magalhaes. Opening our evening in a fun-little-lightweight-scrap is Jim Miller and Pat Healy. We will, we will rock you, guys.

Intro-hype videos – Bisping and Belcher do a nice job of building the feud. Chael says he’s not old and slow, rather the king of the middleweight division and presumably the light heavyweight one too because who else fights there honestly. Jones vows to teach Tha Gansta some respect.

I swear to Christ I’m going to buy those shitty 20th Century Masters greatest hits of CCR and cruise down these streets thinking I’m Jim Miller.

Jim Miller vs. Pat Healy

Round 1: Miller sporting the shaved head tonight. The Herbster gets them going.  No touch. Healy comes forward…both feeling out thus far. Miller with a body shot. Inside leg followed by a left by Miller. Miller with a good straight left. Healy misses a combo. Miller clinches and lets go. Miller with a low legkick. Crowd getting behind Miller. Nice slam by Miller and he finds himself on top. Miller with an elbow to the body, trying to work. Healy controlling Miller’s left arm. Healy looking for an armbar but he is unsuccessful. Healy goes for an omoplata but to no avail. Miller has a double-wrist lock, looking for an armbar. Miller successfully transitioning to get good positioning but Healy breaks free and they are on their feet. Healy with a good punch and knee to the body. Healy goes for a takedown and ends up on top of Miller. Healy postures up and gets Miller’s back. Healy has a hook in but Miller is back on his feet. Big takedown from Healy. Miller spins and winds up on top. The round closes as Healy goes for an armbar but Miller punches Healy a few times in the eye which looks pretty damaged. Miller 10-9.

Round 2: Mad swelling in Healy’s right eye. Healy with a nice left but Miller responds with a left hook. Healy initiates the clinch and trips Miller. Both are quick to get up and Miller clinches him against the fence. Healy with a big swing and a miss. Miller clinches Healy against the fence once more. Miller with a solid elbow but Healy ducks under afterwards and gets the takedown. Healy on top in half-guard position. Miller going for an armbar. Miller loses it and Healy trying to work ground and pound. Healy with some nice shots from the top. Miller keeps looking for a submission but allows Healy in side control. Miller trying to stand up and Healy takes his back. Healy continues by punching and is looking to better his position. Healy has a choke in and Miller looks to be in trouble. Miller escapes but Healy mounts him. Miller escapes and elbows Healy. Miller crouching but Healy grabs on to his ankle. Miller gets up but is taken down again. Both men stand up against the fence and Healy follows up with some shots. Miller looks hurt from a knee thrown by Healy. 10-9 Healy.

Round 3: It’s one a piece.  Swelling under both men’s eyes. Healy with some uppercuts as they both clinch. Big right hook by Miller. Miller going for a takedown, scramble and they’re back up. Miller with a hook to the body. Miller has got Healy clinched against the fence and lets go. Healy tags him with a right. Healy throws a knee that lands low and Miller grimaces as it goes unnoticed. Healy relentlessly going for a takedown and ends up on top.  Healy looking for an arm-triangle but switches his positioning. Miller trying to utilize the rubber-guard but it isn’t working. Healy takes his back and starts punching. Healy now looking for a choke. Rogan insinuating the last round should follow Pride rules. Healy on top with a full-rear naked choke and Miller is stopped. My goodness, talk about irony.

Miller was out for a split second and wakes back up angrily. Gosh, this Pat Healy.

Pat Healy def. Jim Miller by Submission (Rear-Naked Choke), Round 3, 4:02.

Big LOL. Buffer screws up and declares Miller the winner…excuses himself and decalares Healy the winner. Hey, it was inevitable.

Dudes who aren’t supposed to win, 1-0.

Pretty excited about this fight, definitely could be the darkhorse of the card. It could also be worse than meeting your girlfriend’s parents for the first time as her father shows you how good he is on the stock market.

Phil Davis vs. Vinny Magalhaes

Round 1: No touch, obviously. Headkick misses by Vinny. Vinny goes for a frontkick and misses that too. Vinny throwing some wild kicks. Davis gets a right hand in. Both men clinched up against the fence. Vinny breaks through and they’re back in the center. Vinny throws a low leg-kick. Davis with a big high-kick and rocks Vinny. He tags Vinny with a big left hand. Davis not pursuing just yet – Vinny was hurt. Left jab by Davis but Vinny gets him down and takes his back. Davis escapes and Vinny stands back up too. Davis throws a one-two combo that misses. Vinny rushes in and misses with a left hook. Nice uppercut by Vinny and Davis gets a right-hand in as well. Davis with a nice combination and Vinny gets poked. Big Dan tells him to keep going and Vinny protests. They keep going and Vinny misses a big kick to the body. Davis with a right hand and the round closes. Hard to judge but I’ll go with 10-9 Davis.

Round 2: Rogan tells Mirgliotta to pay attention but Big Dan probably doesn’t hear it. Big right hand by Vinny. Frontkick by Davis but it doesn’t connect. Both men in a technical striking battle thus far. Davis reaches for his back and goes for the takedown. Davis decides not to enter the guard and lets Vinny back up. Nice right hand by Davis followed by a left that connects. Left hook by Davis hits Vinny right in the chin. Vinny with a high-kick that just misses. Vinny missing most of his kicks as Davis continues to throw his one-two’s. Jab connects for Davis. Vinny looking tired as Davis fakes the takedown and follows up with a big right hand. Davis secures the takedown but lets Vinny up immediately, staying away from his guard. Jab by Davis rocks Vinny’s head back. Highkick and another stiff jab by Davis. Body shot by Davis. Vinny looking rather zombified. Both men exchange jabs as the round closes. 10-9 Davis.

Round 3: Vinny looking a little busier. He’s trying to take Davis down (as his corner wanted him to) but it’s just not working. He connects with good left but Davis is doing a good job of defending. Davis checks a legkick. Nice left jab by Vinny. Davis goes for a takedown and lets Vinny back up again – which is clearly frustrating the hell out of Vinny. Davis with a big right hand that connects. Davis carefully picking his shots. The crowd is getting a bit restless. Headkick by Vinny but it does not trouble Phil who blocks it. Davis is doing a great job of setting up the jab and getting the shots he wants. Neither man really looking to finish the fight. Vinny tries to clinch with him but it’s not working. Vinny throws himself on the ground after a failed takedown attempt and is told to get back up. Davis a few solid jabs and the fight comes to a close. Slow third round but a good striking display from Davis. 10-9 Davis.

Both men hug after talking a whole lot about each other, good to see.

Phil Davis def. Vinny Magalhaes by Unanimous Decision (30-27, 30-27, 29-28).

Davis salutes Vinny and throws out a “Save Olympic Wrestling”.

This shitstorm of a card sort of needs a knockout right now so….OMG WAKA! Anyhow, Arianny promotes the UFC Magazine and obviously puts it right in front of her breasts, promoting what she feels really matters. Nice PR move there.

Like I was saying, we sort of need what my paysans would call an “espresso fight”…time for Big Country vs. Napoleon.

Kongo comes out to an atrocious version on what sounds like that Run DMC vs. Jason Nevins track but I have no freaking clue.

Nelson out to “Born In The USA”, by Jersey’s own homeboy and the only man who makes me cry at night.

Roy Nelson vs. Cheick Kongo

Round 1: Mulhall gets them going. Kongo throws a kick but Nelson catches it and initiates the clinch. We certainly don’t need a wall and stall fight right now but that’s what’s up thus far. Ref warns them to work. Kongo tries to escape but Nelson pits him back against the cage. Nelson goes for the suplex but Mulhall breaks them, to the dismay of let-them-work enthusiast Rogain. Roy clocks him with a humungous right hand as Kongo goes backwards and he is out. Okay.

That is exactly what this crowd and MMA media all over the world needed. A big, overhead right. 

Roy Nelson def. Cheick Kongo by Knockout, Round 1, 2:03.

Nelson wants the gold. Calls out UFC 160. Third-straight, first-round knockout for Roy, who is making a serious case for a title fight right now.

Rogan looking over the middleweight rankings and declares the division “a murderous row”, instead of declaring the rankings “a murderous row”.

Now if someone goes out in the first and we don’t get a tattoo, how will you feel about Sonnen then?

Belcher out to “Little Wing”. I’ll be assembling a UFC 159:  Walkout Songs from The American Fighters OST on iTunes later on, hit me up for a copy.

Kevin Mulhall checks Belcher’s wrap before Belcher gets in the cage. Easily the worst night of this referee’s life. Bisping comes out to the most obnoxious, 2:30am drunk white-girl singalong in the history of DJ failures, Blur’s “Song 2″.

Michael Bisping vs. Alan Belcher

Round 1: Solid staredown and Bisping bumps Belcher’s chest. Belcher’s wraps get cut off because they’re signed. Belcher comes out southpaw. Good movement from Belcher so far. Bisping with a low legkick but it gets checked. Bisping misses a right hand. Dean temporarily stops the fight for a low-blow but Bisping shrugs it off. Belcher’s hands fairly low. A lot of movement from both men while the “USA” chants start. Inside legkick by Bisping. Bisping with a kick to the body. Both men circling and missing most of their strikes. Bisping certainly pressing the action. Nice right hand by Bisping. Big right hand by Belcher, Bisping shrugs it off. Legkick checked by Belcher. Bisping gets a left jab in. Bisping catches Belcher with a right hand. Nothing seriously damaging both fighters right now. Eyepoke by Belcher and they stop the fight temporarily. Both men circling in the center and Belcher slips. Not much going on here. Big right hand by Bisping as the horn sounds. 10-9 Bisping.

Round 2: Belcher comes out swinging right away. Belcher throws a combination but misses it. Bisping looks to strike on the inside but Belcher pushes him away. Highkick by Bisping just misses. Nice uppercut by Bisping. Bisping tags him again with a left and then a solid right hand. Big left hand by Bisping gets through in an exchange. Belcher misses a low legkick. Belcher not respecting Bisping’s hands. Bisping connects with the right hand again. Bisping tags him with a jab followed by a right hand and Belcher isn’t blocking anything. Bisping leading with his left hand and is successful with another combination. Both men exchange right hands. Huge left hand by Bisping. Bisping goes for a highkick but misses. Left hand by Belcher followed by a right. Belcher connects with another right but Bisping connects with a nice combination. 10-9 Bisping.

Round 3: Bisping opens up with a big right hand. Belcher starts working his combinations better. Belcher throws and Bisping laughs at Belcher and says, “What was that?” Hilarious. Bisping with a solid overhead right. Bisping successfully circling around his opponent and getting some jabs in. Belcher is slowing down and his hands are staying besides his hips. Another solid right hand by Bisping. Headkick connects by Bisping, doesn’t trouble Belcher though.  Bisping with an inside legkick. Bisping really finding a home for that right hand and Belcher does not look like he’s being that urgent right now. Bisping with another right hand, followed by another (not too powerful, though). Bisping picks up the pace and tags Belcher with a left hook. Belcher shoots for the takedown but it is easily stuffed. Action is a little slow in the final minute. Major eyepoke and Belcher crumbles. Keep those surgeries in mind. Belcher has blood coming out of his eye, unless his eyebrow is bleeding. Nope, it’s the eye. The fight is over and Belcher cannot continue. Both men congratulate each other. Nasty, nasty night. Bisping apologizes and both men seem cool.

Michael Bisping def. Alan Belcher by Technical Decision (30-27, 30-27, 29-28)

Ok, so the bet was off? Rogan makes the case for the changing of gloves once more, which has more merit than it ever has. Bisping congratulates Belcher and apologizes for the unintentional blow. Main event time and to be honest, let’s get this shitshow over with.

Goldie says this is a highly-anticipated matchup and no, it’s not…but at this point I’ll take whatever I can after spending fifty Canadian bones on this thing instead of spending the rent money on The Smashing Pumpkins’ Siamese Dream reissue.

Sonnen comes out in a blue Paulie Malignaggi boxing robe. Might as well go out like a gangster. And the boos reign down for God’s son, although he comes out to 50 which is cool but immediately switches to Jammin’ by Bob. I mean, ok cool, pick one though. This isn’t sponsored by David Guetta.

Jon Jones vs. Chael Sonnen

Round 1: Sonnen takes the center quickly and Jones gets the takedown (!). Sonnen is back up landing some punches from the clinch. Jones goes for another takedown and clinches Sonnen against the fence. Hmm, interesting. Sonnen gets a big takedown again. Big elbow from the top from Jones. Sonnen back up but Jones is still hanging on. Sonnen has his back against the cage and is trying to fight the champion off. Jones is basically using Sonnen’s strategy. Jones is working a single-leg and lands a big uppercut. Spinning elbow by Jones, followed by uppercuts to the body as Sonnen hasn’t moved with his back against the cage. Massive takedown by Jones. The champ is in top position as Chael doesn’t have an answer yet. Nice elbow by Jones from top position. Jones grabs Sonnen’s arms and Jones swarms on Sonnen with some massive elbows. Jones relentless and the referee steps in. Chael protests the stoppage, bloodied.

Jones hit him with a knee to the body and swarmed him with elbows. Early stoppage? Not sure, I think Sonnen would have melted in there.

Jon Jones def. Chael Sonnen by TKO (Strikes), Round 1, 4:33.

Jones has a broken foot that looks utterly gross. Blood spewing from the toes. Rogan gives us the first post-fight stool interview. Jones says he was supposed to go to Jamaica but can’t now. I want to turn this off now. This fight felt like waiting in line for that rollercoaster that you know is going to suck and a soccer mom pukes on the back of your neck twelve seconds in. Sonnen confirms it was a justified stoppage. Sonnen is disappointed (duh) and says he will think it through. Sonnen unofficially retires in the cage, I’m guessing.

Man, that fight felt forced down our throats and it totally was. Glad this card is over; it wasn’t a memorable one to say the least. Y’all think the eyepoke could have been on purpose but I’m not surprised with the Bisping hate. It’s hard to say – like 22% of Kongo’s nut shots. That’s it for me tonight. Thankfully I’ve got the luxury of a PVR in front of me and since I’ve got an on-again, off-again hatred for Canadian nightlife, I’ll be watching the handful of boxing fights from earlier tonight (sin to the moronic MMA fan, I know). Also, these Killer Mike and Motorhead tapes aren’t going to download themselves. Goodnight.

Cagepotato Comments

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pghendo- April 28, 2013 at 12:15 pm
Jones was allowed to continue because he didn't drop to the canvas whning that he couldn't walk , so no one even knew he had a broken toe .
Daddy_jeffy- April 28, 2013 at 11:19 am
Why was Jones allowed to continue with that toe when Madeiros was stopped because of his thumb? Hmmm.
foogequatch- April 28, 2013 at 11:42 am
Really? Probably because Madeiros knew right away his thumb was fucked and he couldn't continue - I consider that a verbal submission. Jones fight was over by the time anyone (including Jones himself) realized his toe was dangling off. I can't stand some of the refs (Herb Dean and Big John are the only ones I consistently agree with / like)... but they have other things to be watching than checking everyone's lil piggies.
OPIO- April 28, 2013 at 10:08 am
One good thing came out of this event. Silva called Dana and asked for Bones!
drainplugofideas- April 28, 2013 at 9:22 am
Looks like we had a troll infestation. But anyway gotta say this was a super boring fight card. No one except Roy nelson looked good and let's be honest. It was chiek Kongo. Super boring night of fights. If I wanted to see Phil Davis strike... Well I would just have too much time on my hands.

Credit to the author for actually saying this though. Over on sherdog they make it sound like something interesting happened. It didn't. This card looked bad on Friday and even worse on Saturday.
jcv1986- April 28, 2013 at 9:12 am
Worst ufc in a long time.... Can anybody remind me what sonnon was doing in that fight.
jyveturkey- April 28, 2013 at 12:48 am
Ding dong the snitch is dead
godspeed- April 28, 2013 at 12:19 am
My bad dawg. He took it. But who knows what would have happened.
dipsetkilla316- April 27, 2013 at 11:02 pm
@godspeed damn I was like ok this kid is Sensible, and then u had to dis bisping. Lol
godspeed- April 27, 2013 at 10:59 pm
Its about the sport guys. Not yo momma jokes. Oh ya fuck bisping!!!!!!!!!
dipsetkilla316- April 27, 2013 at 10:30 pm
@godspeed ur right we should stop doing that
Thumblaster- April 27, 2013 at 10:18 pm
The only thing that made this card worthwhile was watching jones try to play off the fact that he wanted to pass out after he saw his toe.
godspeed- April 27, 2013 at 10:01 pm
Wow thought we talking mma. Grow up guys.
dipsetkilla316- April 27, 2013 at 9:52 pm
@deadqueer the only thing salty around here is my cum that ur mother gargles every night. That's just after ur mother mouth, and my dick unite! U wanna no how u can become a real poster ok go home shove a hand Grenade up ur ass pull the pin out, and there u go wen u come back we'll all think of u as a great poster.
Deadendbeliefs- April 27, 2013 at 9:43 pm
LOL, internet warriors unite!

Did I make fun of your brother, bro? I'm sorry you salty bro. How do I become a "real" poster, bro? I wanna join your elite club, bro. I wanna roll with the famous poster dranokills, bro.

Have a good night, bro. I'm sorry you're so fired up over something "nobody cares about" bro. Sounds like you care a little, bro.

But for real though, bro. You're right about the PPV, it was pretty awful, I agree with you there... bro.
dipsetkilla316- April 27, 2013 at 9:42 pm
Me too I guess the rot fight was good liked the Jon's fight wish I would have gone a bit longer and pat Healy was a fun fight, but I could have been better
wolff- April 27, 2013 at 9:39 pm
damn i payed
dipsetkilla316- April 27, 2013 at 9:38 pm
@deadqueer r u serious wat the fuck does ur name mean, that ur life is a dead end. Tuff wordz lol I've never even seen u on this site so stop talking like ur the shit around here. Also dud don't get mad cause I shit on u with words. Y don't u go crawl back into ur mothers dirty hole.
godspeed- April 27, 2013 at 9:35 pm
Dam. I love anderson. Hate jones. But know have respect for jones. He might actually beat silva.
dranokills- April 27, 2013 at 9:35 pm
hey FBF, sup bro. good to see ya.
This was the lamest fucking PPV I have ever stolen :)
I want my free hours back..... bleh.
every single shit talker could not back it up. wait...the chick fight was the highlight for me, that was almost pure cameltoe for a few seconds!
who the fuck is deadendbeliefs? shut up newbie, nobody cares what the fuck you think. stop starting fights with real posters you newb-fucktard, you are as lame as these MMA fights. go back to bloddy vagina-land.
see ya everyone...whos not a retarded newb.
Deadendbeliefs- April 27, 2013 at 9:30 pm
@idontevenhalftomakefunofyourname Man, you're really good at this.

Clear out everyone, we got ourselves a "bad boi" over here. He trains at 2xTUFFx4xURxWERDZx.
dipsetkilla316- April 27, 2013 at 9:26 pm
@deadfagw/e *ur*mother*eats*dick
Deadendbeliefs- April 27, 2013 at 9:24 pm
@dipsetkilla316 *You're *retarded.
masterbaitntackle- April 27, 2013 at 9:24 pm
Now THAT'S how u get some fans, Jones....beat a mofo into retirement with their own style
dipsetkilla316- April 27, 2013 at 9:21 pm
@deadendbeliefs ur retarted
Mr_Misanthropy- April 27, 2013 at 9:20 pm
Jones is in shock. Kinda funny.