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UFC 163: The New Guys (And Girls!)

(Amanda Nunes: Like Michael Chandler if he didn’t spend upwards of 30 seconds playing pattycake with his opponents.)

It’s been awhile since we’ve familiarized you guys (and ourselves) with the hard-working underlings of an upcoming UFC card, but with so many foreign faces throwing down at UFC 163 this weekend, we decided to dust off an old feature for the sake of education. Don’t worry, this article will contain more knockout videos and fart jokes than it will actual information, as per the CagePotato decree.

Amanda “Lioness” Nunes
Experience: 7-3, with notable victories over Julia Budd (see above), Vanessa Porto, and Ediane Gomes. Despite her somewhat modest record, Nunes carries a wealth of experience fighting in top-level promotions such as Strikeforce and Invicta, where she went 2-2. We also hear that her farts smell like Febreeze. Specifically Mediterranean Lavender, which is odd considering she’s Brazilian and all.
Will be facing: Sheila “The German Tank” Gaff (10-5, 0-1 UFC)
Lowdown: Even having dropped two of her last three, the hard-hitting Nunes is arguably in a better position than her opponent, who is facing a quick turnaround after being dominated by Sara McMann in her own UFC debut at UFC 159. In a perfect world, we will see these two strikers throw caution to the wind and go all Merrill Hess on each another until one of them falls down. Actually, that’s the most likely scenario — three cheers for insanely high expectations based on preconceived notions of inequality!

(Barroso scores a five-second, head kick KO over Abhijeet Petkar at Desert Force 1.) 

Francimar “Bodao” Barroso 
Experience: 15-3, with appearances under the Shooto, Bitetti and Desert Force promotions.
Will be facing: Ednaldo “Lula Molusco” Oliveira (13-1-1, 0-1 UFC)
Lowdown: Filling in for Robert Drysdale, who was forced to withdraw from his UFC debut due to a staph infection, “Bodao” will be bringing 14 stoppage victories including 12 first round finishes into his octagon debut. Problem is, all three of his losses have come via (T)KO, which could spell trouble for him against the similarly heavy handed Oliveira, who we last saw choked out by Gabriel Gonzaga way back at UFC 142.

(Andrade beats up a child in a basement. Yep, these count as legit MMA fights in Brazil.)

Viscardi Andrade 

Experience: 14-5 (4 KO, 4 Sub 6 Dec), with the only notable names on his record being defeats to Iuri Alcantara, Leandro Silva and Charles Oliveira.
Will be facing: Bristol Marunde (12-8, 0-1 UFC)
Lowdown: If the above video is any indication, it’s safe to say that Andrade might suffer a few UFC jitters come Saturday night. I mean, just look at that pathetic excuse for an octagon. Can you even complete a double leg without taking out the ref in that thing? Anyway, the TUF Brazil 2 alum has some killer instinct so we’re not completely writing him off, especially against the woefully inconsistent Marunde.

Thiago “Marreta” Santos

Experience: 8-1, with multiple appearances under the Spartan MMA and WOCS banners. 4 knockouts, 1 sub, 3 decisions.
Will be facing: Cezar “Mutante” Ferreira (5-2, 1-0 UFC)
Lowdown: We can’t find much visual evidence on Santos, probably because he is one of approximately 436 Brazilians named Thiago Santos currently competing in MMA. He made it to the TUF Brazil 2 quarterfinals, so there’s that, and he’s filling in for Clint Hester on short notice. And he’s fighting up a weight class. Brave men all, those lost sons of Rio.

(Tome submits Jerry Tolentino at Limo Fight 9….really? The fuck, Brazil?)

Jose Maria “No Chance” Tome

Experience: 33-3 (15 TKO, 13 Sub). Again, the only notable opponent on his record is Jussier da Silva, whom he lost to via first round submission back in March of 2008.
Will be facing: John Lineker (21-6, 2-1 UFC)
Lowdown: Folks, I am going to be blunt. Without even looking at the odds, I am going to ensure you with 100% certainty that Tome will not be walking away from UFC 163 with a victory under his belt. You might say that he has “No Chance.”

How am I so confident? Because this guy is Brazil’s answer to Jason Reindhart (minus the crabs, hopefully), that’s why. Perusing over his record, you will find fake names (Maluinha Maluinha and Everton Everton? Please), more than a handful of 0-1 opponents and less than a handful of winning records. I know you can’t always pick and choose your fights, but fighting a 2-3 guy named “Bulldog” less than a year ago is just pathetic when you boast that kind of record. At least Kramer fought children at his own belt level for Christ’s sake.

-J. Jones

Cagepotato Comments

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Millie H. Craig- August 3, 2013 at 3:25 pm
my co-worker's step-aunt makes $85/hr on the laptop. She has been unemployed for 5 months but last month her pay was $20766 just working on the laptop for a few hours. Here's the site to read more... c­a­n9­9.C­o­M
Alan K- August 1, 2013 at 4:40 pm
Viscardi and Maretta were both on TUF Brazil 2. Maretta sucked and Viscardi sucked slightly less.
Fried Taco- August 1, 2013 at 11:29 am
Everton Everton is a beast!! Not to be confused with Everton Panda, who is like a big fluffy bear.
BaghdadBob- August 1, 2013 at 11:27 am
As a general fan of women's MMA, I still have to admit it sucks.
bgoldstein- August 1, 2013 at 11:20 am
lizlemon.gif, forever.