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UFC 82 Undercard Quick Results

(Arlovski climbs the cage after vanquishing the evil forces of Lay ‘n Pray. Photo courtesy of my Canon Powershot.)

Andre Arlovski def. Jake O’Brien via ground-and-pound TKO at 4:17 of round 2
It’s hard to describe how cathartic it was to see Andrei Arlovski triumph over the excrutiatingly dull, cheap-suit-like wrestling-tactics of Jake O’Brien. In the first round, O’Brien shot in for takedown attempt after takedown attempt, and Andrei sprawled on all of them. It didn’t matter that O’Brien’s success rate was nearly zero; he was going to stick with his one attack, come hell or high water, booing fans be damned, because if the match went three rounds, he’d probably pick up the decision. But in the second round, Arlovski was able to take O’Brien to the mat and started droppin’ fists. O’Brien had no answer, the fight was stopped, and O’Brien took his first much-needed loss. Arlovski’s back, baby — just in time to leave the UFC over contract squabbles.

Luigi Fiorvanti def. Luke Cummo via unanimous decision
Luigi threw the “Silent Assassin” all over the cage for three agonizing rounds. There really isn’t much to say about this one except that Cummo looked like shit. I don’t even mean his performance, I’m talking about his physical appearance. Living off a diet of bark and urine doesn’t seem to contribute to an impressive physique or healthy skin tone.

Josh Koscheck def. Dustin Hazelett via TKO (head kick, punches on ground) at 1:24 of round 2
This one was the best fight of the undercard, easy. Hazelett rocked Koscheck with a punch early, which freaked Kos out enough for him to start throwing wild haymakers. After the opening brawl, Kos shot in for a takedown, and Hazelett sunk in a guillatine choke that nearly ended the match. Kos shook out of it and found himself in a traingle choke instead. Luckily, the bell rang. Koscheck turned it on the second, catching Hazelett with a thunderous head kick that sent him (both of them, actually) to the mat. Kos went in for the kill with punches from the top and it was all over.

Diego Sanchez submits David Bielkheden via strikes at 4:43 of round 1
Sanchez shot in for a takedown right after the opening bell, and never gave Bielkheden a chance to breathe. He worked some strikes from the top position until he scored full mount and started jackhammer-punching him in the face. Bielkheden didn’t wait around for the ref to stop the action and tapped out from the abuse. For that, he earned CagePotato’s Bitch of the Night bonus ($5).

Jorge Gurgel def. John Halverson via unanimous decision
Gurgel had Halvorson on his back eating leather more than once, but couldn’t find a way to finish him. Still, the Ohio crowd cheered hard for their homeboy through the match and showed mad love after his hand was raised. “Ohio is my family,” he said. Awww!

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Cagepotato Comments

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snowpants dynamite- March 2, 2008 at 8:44 am
yeah koscheck looked like an extra from the 'Lost Boys' movie
koscheck- March 2, 2008 at 1:36 am
but I'd still whoop your ass
turdburglar- March 1, 2008 at 11:48 pm
Kos looked like he just got off a 3 day cocain bender. All pale and twact out.
mmmiles- March 1, 2008 at 5:45 pm
he Kosheck fight was aired on PPV after the main card, and I agree it was a fantastic fight. Regardless of what people might think about Kos or Sanchez, they are both very capable fighters, if not necessarily top champions. Look forward to seeing more Koscheck fights somewhere, he really is a fast and powerful fighter with some very decent skills in standup and of course on the ground.
PotatoHead- March 1, 2008 at 4:37 pm
You promised us some "wild stories". ETA???

Also, nice job predicting the Arlovski outcome and I share your sentiments regarding the ever so dull-as-watching-paint-dry wrestling tactics of Mr. O'Brien.

As a former Russian vampire, now living in Chicago... I have much in common with Andre, and it's good to see my homeboy kicking some mortal human ass.