As Ferrall might say, this “beautiful matchup of warriors and freaks ready to dance” is about to pop off, so pour yourself some iced tea or red wine and settle in. Click the “MORE” link and refresh the page every few minutes for round-by-round updates. Montreal residents, let’s get ready to riot!
10:00: The familiar “Herpes Gladiatorum” intro sequence brings us to yet another action-packed UFC pay-per-view broadcast. Welcome.
10:04: Kenny Florian sounds like a natural in the booth. Less screamy than Rogan.
10:08: TUF 6 winner Mac Danzig and Mark Bocek are up first in a lightweight match. Mac lets out a bettle cry stepping into the cage. Bocek looks like a sickly ginger, but he holds a five-inch reach advantage.
10:14: “Madames en (?) Monsieurs, BONE-SWAAAAHHHH!!!” Who knew Bruce Buffer was so cultured?
10:15: Round 1. Some sparring to open the round. Mac sticks Bocek and drives him against the cage, but Bocek fires back. Bocek working for a single-leg against the cage and eventually gets it. Bocek lays some leather in Mac’s guard. Mac tries for an arm-triangle but loses it and Bocek punishes him for it. Mac is complaining about something. Bocek takes Mac’s back, but Mac slips it and Bocek is back in Danzig’s guard. Mac gets up and Bocek works for another takedown. Mac reverses him, gets in Bocek’s guard and rains down some damage of his own. And the horn.
10:21: Round 2. Mac lands a jab and leg kick. And ROCKS Bocek with a knee to the head. Mac gets on top and tries to finish, but Bocek clears the cobwebs. Bocek gets up and eats a knee to the face. Danzig back on top of Bocek, and secures the mount. But Bocek gives up his back. Bocek rolls again and takes an elbow to his face. Mac takes Bocek’s back, but loses it and they’re back on their feet. Bocek peppers Mac with punches and gets a takedown. Mac winds up in the better position on the ground and lands some punches from a top/side position. More abuse from the top. The horn sounds and Mac’s corner is telling him “10-8 round.” Bocek looks busted.
10:28: Round 3. Mac gets the better of an early striking exchange, but Bocek goes into his punch combo/takedown routine again. Bocek gets in Danzig’s guard. Mac works for a gogplata, with elbows to the top of Bocek’s head, but Bocek frees himself. They’re back on their feet and Mac nails him with another big knee and some punches. BIG punch to Bocek, and his face explodes. Yves stops the action to get the cut checked. It’s back on, and Mac works some punches. Damage might decide this fight for the juddes, and Bocek looks awful. Mac takes Bocek down and gets the mount with 90 seconds remaining. He takes Bocek’s back and sinks in the rear-naked choke. It’s OVA!
10:33: Mac Danzig gets his hand raised as Mark Bocek cries blood. Man that’s gross.
10:35: Mac thanks everyone involved in the UFC. He says “thank you for supporting me Canada,” and gets booed pretty hard. Then he tells them his girlfriend is Canadian, and they start to come around. And Mandy Moore is in the building!
10:39: Matt Serra looks a bit nervous in his locker room.
10:40: Michael Bisping/Charles McCarthy is next. McCarthy says Bisping is the “biggest name, worst fighter ever.” Bisping points out the irony of McCarthy’s claim that all his opponents are hand-picked for him.
10:42: How badass would it be if one of the fighters came out to Rush’s “Spirit of the Radio”?
10:45: McCarthy is booed, Bisping is cheered.
10:47: Round 1. McCarthy whiffs on a couple overhand rights. Bisping grabs the thai clinch and throws some knees. McCarthy gets out of it and sticks his tongue out at Bisping. Another knee and an uppercut. McCarthy hasn’t done anything noteworthy yet. Another thai clinch from Bisping, but McCarthy takes the Count down. McCarthy is in half-guard, then flips high onto Bisping’s back, looking for an armbar. Bisping’s arm is in serious trouble. Bisping pops out and gets to his feet, and nails McCarthy with two more knees. Bisping has him in trouble against the fence, kneeing the shit out of him. McCarthy goes down and Bisping mobs him, but is saved by the bell. Or is he?! McCarthy can’t get to his feet and the ref stops it. Chainsaw is holding his arm, in pain. In looks like one of Bisping’s knees broke his forearm while he was trying to defend.
10:54: Bisping scores the TKO victory, and him and McCarthy are all hugs. Bisping claims that he didn’t cut weight at all — no sauna, no sweatsuit, nothin’. Strange…
11:02: Starnes comes out to “Bittersweet Symphony.” A few thousand Canadians shout “faaaaaag!”
11:05: Round 1. Quarry with the hard leg-kick. He pushes the pace, literally running after Starnes at one point. Quarry throwing some nasty looking punches, but none hit the mark. And there are the boos. Starnes clinches, but Quarry breaks out and throws a couple more haymakers. Quarry chasing Starnes again and lands a solid knee. Kne-Flo: “Not sure what Starnes strategy is here.” Very true; he ain’t doin’ dick. Another leg kick from Quarry, and a nice punch combo. The horn blows. Dullsville, really; do we really need to have a second round?
11:11: Round 2. Nothing happening worth mentioning. The crowd voices their displeasure. The fight looks more like a gym sparring session. Starnes lacks anything resembling a killer instinct. Two more leg kicks from Quarry. And two more. Quarry tries another, but Starnes catches it and takes Quarry down, but Quarry pops up, and it’s back to dull. The crowd is chanting “booooring! booooring!” And the second round, thankfully, comes to an end.
11:17: Round 3. The guys try to ramp up the energy a bit. Still looks like a sparring session between friends. Quarry continues to punish Starnes’s leg periodically. Starnes is fighting like a man with food poisoning. Big knee from Quarry. In this time of belt-tightening, Starnes performance may have just cost him his UFC contract. A big leg kick that hurts Starnes bad. Quarry high-steps after Starnes to get a laugh from the crowd, then does this weird punch-puppet routine. The horn sounds.
11:23: Starnes is pissed. “Fuck you! Why aren’t you fighting, faggot?” Big boos from the crowd every time Starnes is on the big screen, and cheers for our new comic hero, Nate Quarry. Unanimous decision for Quarry. One judge scored it 30-24!
11:34: Hey, sorry…just noticed that the round 1 writeup for Starnes/Quarry wasn’t showing up. It’s back now. And our lives can go on. Lutter and Franklin are up next. Lutter comes out to Nickelback. Rush would’ve been sooooo much better.
11:35: Wait a minute, is George St. Pierre’s nickname a reference to the band?
11:40: Round 1. Steve Mazzagatti’s lack of a mustache gets scattered boos from the crowd. Big punch from Franklin and Lutter goes for the single leg, pushing Franklin against the cage. Lutter takes Franklin down and takes his back. Lutter works into half guard, looking for the mount. And he gets it, with two minutes left in the round. Big punches, and Lutter snatches up a deep armbar. Miraculously, Franklin rolls out of it and gets to his feet. That was as close as it gets. Lutter goes for another takedown, but Franklin sprawls nicely and drops some bombs. The round ends, and Franklin is lucky to be out of it.
11:46: Round 2. Lutter gets tagged with a couple shots and instinctively shoots. He misses and Franklin lets him up. Nice head kick from Franklin rocks Lutter and Franklin pounces, but Lutter snatches his leg. After a scary moment, Franklin escapes the leglock. Franklin lands some Spider-esque knees from the clinch. Lutter is done. Some dirty boxing, and Lutter’s legs give out again. Lutter tries the leglock again, and Franklin slips it. Lutter is too tired to get up. When he does, finally, Franklin slices him up with punches, and Lutter goes down again. Mazzagatti stops the brutality. TKO win for Ace.
11:51: Rich to Ken-Flo: “Hey there good-lookin’.” Franklin says that Lutter is known for his lack of conditioning and is booed. But then he gives props to the Canadians, and they lighten right up. Flo: “I think they thought you were Jim Carrey.”
11:55: Only 54% of UFC.com voters think GSP will win. Goldberg: “Sold out Bell Centre in Montreahh, KA-beck Canada.” Impeccable pronunication, Mike.
12:02: Serra and St. Pierre are next. St. Pierre comes out to some of that French rap music that the Francophone kids are into. The rabid fans grab at his red karate gi. Surprisingly, no riots yet.
12:06: St. Pierre takes a mouthful of Evian and does his usual spit-take. Serra emerges to a rap song that incorporates the Rocky theme, and deafening boos. So I guess they really don’t like this guy?
12:08: As Serra’s trunks say, “Buy Guns / Sell Guns.” God Bless America.
12:12: GSP looks fucking intense. Round 1. GSP takes Serra down immediately and throws some shots from half-guard. Serra tries to create some distance, but GSP is on him like a blanket. GSP in Serra’s full guard now. Big shots from the top, and Serra’s right eye looks reddened. GSP lands an elbow; he’s completely controlling Serra’s body. GSP takes side-control, and Serra rolls, giving up his back. Serra momentarily gets to his feet but is dragged back down. GSP drops punches to the side of Serra’s head, but Serra gets up and lands a jab. Superman punch from GSP, then a takedown into side control. The round ends, and it was all GSP. Serra looks discouraged.
12:19: Serra has an impressive mouse under his eye, while GSP looks unscathed. Round 2. Serra throws a low kick and is taken down. Serra tries to get to his feet against the cage but is pulled down. Serra finally escapes. He throws a lazy head kick and GSP responds with a spinning back kick. Serra looks tired and eats some hard jabs. GSP takes Serra down and works some elbows in half-guard. Serra flips into full guard. Big punch from GSP. Serra looks for an armbar and fails. GSP slugs Serra’s ear and drops some knees into his ribs. GSP in half-guard, then side control, and Serra gives up his back. GSP punishing Sera’s body with knees. Brutal. Serra stops defending himself, and the ref stops it. GSP takes his belt back.
12:25: It’s a lovefest afterward, and Serra picks GSP up and carries him across the ring. Much respect. The official time: 4:45 of the 2nd round. Who called it closest?
12:27: St. Pierre talks some French to the crowd, who’s lovin’ it. GSP offers to settle the rubber match with Matt Serra in New York. He also says he’ll be drinking with Serra after the fight. Serra’s face is a mess. “I knew I’d win you guys over,” he says.
12:34: Jonathan Goulet vs. Hinoyoshi Hironaka is up. Hironaka has the weirdest entrance music I’ve ever heard. It’s like coked-out Japanese casino disco.
12:40: Round 1. The crowd chants “Goulet!” Goulet lands two knees to HH’s face in the clinch. Goulet sticks HH with some punches. HH whiffs a takedown attempt and scoots away before he’s punished for it. Nasty leg kick from Goulet.Goulet stuffs a takedown and sends a knee into HH’s grill. Goulet gets rocked with a punch and HH gets on top, trying to finish it. HH rains down blows from half-guard. HH triess to get the mount, and savages Goulet with ground-and-pound. Goulet is saved by the bell.
12:46: Round 2. Goulet throws the Superman elbow, but HH dodges. HH rocks Goulet again, but Goulet stays upright. Body kick from Goulet. Superman punch from Goulet doesn’t land cleanly. Huge right hand from Goulet sends HH to the mat. HH gets up but Goulet mobs him with punches and knees, and knocks HH out for good with another right hand. Score another one for the Canucks.
12:51: Goulet claims that wherever he fights, “it’ll be the same damn bullshit.” But hearing the Montreal crowd gave him the power to keep fighting.
12:52: Damian Maia got the submission of the night over Ed Herman with a nasty-looking arm-triangle + punches from the mount. Pretty much the most dominant position imaginable; that’s like the royal straight flush of ass-kicking.
12:55: And we’re signing off. Overall, not one of the greatest cards of the year, but you’ll be seeing the end of the Quarry/Starnes fight as comic relief in highlight reels for years to come. Later on…