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UFC 84: Live [Results] Like a Suicide?!*@

Forgive the G’n'R reference, but I’m really that excited. Click the “more” link and refresh your browser every few minutes for live updates from the “Ill Will” pay-per-view broadcast, beginning at 7 p.m. PT. Good luck to the fighters, the betters, the pickers, and the soon-to-be pukers.

Carwin def. Wellisch via KO, 0:44 of round 1
Kim def. Tan via TKO, 0:25 of round 3
Yoshida def. Koppenhaver via submission (anaconda choke), 0:56 of round 1
Clementi def. Etim via decision
Sokoudjou def. Nakamura via TKO (Nakamura cannot answer 2nd round bell)
Palhares def. Salaverry via submission (armbar), 2:36 of round 1
Ipecac bet score to this point: 12-10 in favor of CagePotato

Thiago Silva vs. Antonio Mendes
Round 1: Mendes catches Silva with a big head kick that knocks him down, but Silva scrambles back up. A leg kick sends Silva down, but Mendes lets him up. Silva clinches with Mendes against the cage and takes him down. Silva gets the mount and Mendes tries to roll out. Silva landing some good shots from the top. Mendes drops punches until Herb Dean calls it. Silva by TKO, 2:24 of round one. Bet score: 14-13 in favor of CP.

Lyoto Machida vs. Tito Ortiz
Ortiz comes out to “Fight the Power” by Public Enemy. Clever. His banner only says “We support our troops,” and seems to lack sponsorship logos. Ortiz gets some boos when he’s announced; Machida gets more.
Round 1: Machida feeling out Ortiz with leg kicks. Machida dodges some of Ortiz’s shots, and stuffs a takedown attempt. Machida avoids another takedown, and scores a couple leg kicks. Machida appears tentative, but has avoided damage so far. Ortiz whiffs a head kick, and Machida sticks a straight right. Machida connects a head kick to Ortiz’s glove, then a body kick. Ortiz is visibly upset by Machida’s dodging. Machida takes down Ortiz and lands some shots from the top at the horn, earning him the round.

Round 2: Ortiz misses a leg kick, but Machida lands one, then another. Machida stuffs a takedown and lands a head kick. He’s Jardine’ing Ortiz to death right now, sticking and moving. Machida lands a body kick and a leg kick. Ortiz has no answer. Machida with a huge head kick, and then retreats from a takedown attempt. Ortiz lands a body kick but misses a haymaker. Ortiz tries to shoot but Machida sprawls then lands on top of Ortiz. Ortiz stands up against the cage. Machida with a big flying knee to the head, but Ortiz doesn’t seem too rattled. Ortiz mocks Machida for not coming after him, and Machida nails him with a two-punch combo. Awesome. The horn sounds.

Round 3: Ortiz looks a bit gassed, and misses another leg kick. Machida is dodging Ortiz like a matador. Yves Lavigne falls on his ass for no reason at all! Ortiz clinches, but Machida shakes off. Ortiz misses a takedown. Ortiz gets a knee in from a brief clinch. Ortiz lands a heavy punch and clinches. Ortiz getting the better of some dirty boxing, but can’t get Machida down. Beautiful takedown defense from Machida. Machida with a flying knee that sends Ortiz down in agony; possibly a broken rib. Machida in Ortiz’s guard. Ortiz very nearly gets a triangle choke sunk in, then an armbar, but Machida miraculously survives. And the horn. Machida wins by unanimous decision. Bet score: 17-13 in favor of CP.
Over heavy boos, Machida tells Joe Rogan he was thinking “I might die, but I’m not going to tap.” WARRIOR.
Ortiz gives props to the Fertittas, and says the drama between him and Dana White was “all bullshit.” He says that he actually hasn’t decided if he’s leaving the UFC. Huh?!? Ortiz is droning on and on about God knows what, but he thanks them for giving him the mic. His shirt says “I Did It My Way.”

Wilson Gouveia vs. Shane Carwin vs. Christian Wellisch (from the undercard)
We’ll post video of this when it’s up, because it’s gotta be knockout of the night. Carwin chases Wellisch around the ring throwing punches until he finds the perfect one — a right hook that knocks Wellisch’s mouthpiece out. After one shot on the ground, the ref calls it. Carwin wins via TKO in 44 seconds.

Keith Jardine vs. Wanderlei Silva
Jardine comes out to a scary didgeridoo dirge into some bagpipes. Very multicultural. Don’t you let me down, you bastard. Jardine is barking to psyche himself up. I’m convinced. Wanderlei comes out to his signature jam, the gay club staple “Sandstorm.” Mike Goldberg thinks that Silva’s last three losses were to “Henderson…uh…Jackson, and Liddell.” In the face off, Jardine seems to be grinning, and taps Silva in the chest.
Round 1: Silva gets some shots, then a huge one that sends Jardine down, and GnPs the FUCK out of Jardine. Holy Christ that was fast. Jardine is still down. For those who care, the ipecac bet ended in a 17-17 tie, since we predicted the same outcome for Sherk/Penn. Hilarious. Silva by TKO in 36 seconds. Muthafuck Jardine.

Rousimar Palhares vs. Ivan Salaverry (from the undercard)
Round 1: Salaverry lands a head kick but Palhares takes him down directly after. Palhares secures the mount, then gets back control with a body lock. Palhares looking for a rear-naked choke. Salaverry bridging to create some room. Salaverry tries to bounce up to escape and Palhares snatches an armbar and gets Salaverry to tap at the 2:36 mark.

BJ Penn vs. Sean Sherk
Sherk gettin’ some boos when he enters the cage. Penn is received like a hero.
Round 1: BJ stuffs a takedown and lands some punches. Sherk swinging for the fences. Sherk lands a couple of hard shots, and Penn fires back a couple jabs. Sherk doesn’t look willing to take it to the ground. Both guys lands punches, and Sherk gets in a leg kick. More boxing. Penn lands two sharp punches, and absorbs a leg kick. Exchange of knees in a short clinch. There’s the horn; BJ’s slightly better striking accuracy may have won him the round, but it was a close one.

Round 2: Penn and Sherk both land shots in a fierce flurry. And another clinch, with some hockey-punching. The crowd is chanting STEROIDS! Sean rushes in and lands a couple, but is brushed off. Sherk is sporting a big cut under his right eye. Penn working the jab well. Sherk lands two hard jabs. Penn’s precise punches keep finding their mark, and Sherk is bloodied pretty bad. BJ lands a leg kick, then stuffs a single-leg takedown. And the horn. Again, the round was likely given to Penn.

Round 3: Sherk still throwing strong punches, but few are hitting their mark. BJ tries for a takedown and is denied, but lands some punches. Both guys land shots in a flurry. Big leg kick from BJ, who lands a nice right hook shortly after. Sherk lands three leg kicks in a row. Penn rushes in and lands some punches then NAILS Sherk with a flying knee. Penn mobs Sherk on the ground and batters him as the round ends. The horn blows, but Sherk is demolished, and the ref calls it. Penn is your lightweight champion.

BJ Penn to Sean Sherk: “Come by anytime.” It’s all love from Penn, who gets the TKO in 5 minutes of the third round. Officially, the puke bet ends 19-19.

Aaaaaand that’s about it. Apologies to everyone who wanted this night to end with the promise of barf, but them’s the breaks, and you can’t be too disappointed with a card as kickass as this one was. We’ll be posting sporadically through the weekend — have an awesome weekend and come back Tuesday morning as we come back atcha Full Force. Oh shit, they’re showing Koppenhaver vs. Yoshida…

Round 1: Yoshida judo-tosses War Machine like a heavily tattooed rag doll and grabs a guillotine. Yoshida transitions to an anaconda choke and Herb Dean calls the fight when Koppenhaver passes out…right out of his UFC contract, probably. Yoshida gets the submission victory in 56 seconds.

And here’s Sokoudjou vs. Nakamura, which we know ends with Nakamura not being able to answer the second round bell. And if Nakamura wasn’t such a damn bitch, Harkness would be preparing an ipecactini right now.
Round 1: Sokoudjou lands some hard leg kicks and a body kick. Sokoudjou misses a Superman punch but lands a knee directly after. Flying knee from Nakamura, then lands a hard right hand. Nakamura tries a Superman punch. Sokoudjou gets a punch in. In the closing seconds, Sokoudjou lands a leg kick then a right hand to the jaw; Nakamura falls on his leg in a very unfortunate way. The horn sounds and a groggy Nakamura ambles back to his corner. He’s in no condition to continue, and the fight is called.

Submission of the Night goes to Rousimar Palhares. We’ll let you know about Knockout and Fight of the Night when they’re announced.

Cagepotato Comments

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Rob Enderle- May 24, 2008 at 8:43 pm
BY ipecac, you meant that the loser would have the other come in his mouth, right?
Nah, what am I saying... both you guys swallow.
Sprites- May 24, 2008 at 1:03 pm
Where'd the sweet ass sprites come from? Those are bad ass
tully- May 24, 2008 at 12:28 pm
i picked bj, silva, and machida. i rule. i thought you guys picked sherk? what was that big article about then?
Turd Ferguson- May 24, 2008 at 10:59 am
Let me ask you all something. Who had the worst fight plan coming into this event? Yeah I thought you were say Sherk. I was rooting for Sherk to win the fight because I hate B.J Penn with all of my soul.

If there was any call that a fight could be rigged it was that one. When have you ever seen Sherk stand up 3 rounds? I've ever seen a fight where he didnt try and get it to the ground a billion times in the first round!

WOW=Silva, nuff said.

Overall good card but would have loved to see blow.job penn KTFO.
Tpark- May 24, 2008 at 7:38 am
If its your sprites then plz edit Penn, he kinda looks more like the "sandman" Irvin
slapjaw ackrite- May 24, 2008 at 6:56 am
what a card. bj penn is the man.
too bad he'll fail for juicin after he licked sherk's blood.
Lil' Doomsday- May 24, 2008 at 6:52 am
Sweet. I went 7-0 with my picks for the fights that were shown. Former Chute Boxe fighters representin', along with BJ Penn. I enjoyed this event. :)
smoogy- May 24, 2008 at 6:28 am
I don’t recall giving anyone permission on this site to post my original artwork. Whats going on here?
Anonymous- May 24, 2008 at 6:27 am
I don't recall giving anyone permission on this site to post my original artwork. Whats going on here?
Jeff- May 24, 2008 at 5:53 am
Need more of those cage fighter sprites... Please. A link to their source maybe? Props if their originals.
Tpark- May 24, 2008 at 5:46 am
Ipeacac! NOW! Or we'll make Penn kiss you like he kisses all his opponents after a sweaty bout! Who knows, CP might get lucky and get that special open tongue BJ Penn Special like Matt hughes did.

For all those who never seen it here:
GarbledyGook- May 24, 2008 at 5:35 am
Technically, Silva vs. Mendes was a submission due to strikes and not a TKO therefore making Ryan the loser of this bet. Make it happen.
Sam- May 24, 2008 at 5:13 am
Techincally, Silva/Mendes was a submission, so Ryan only got 2 points. Which would make you the winner.
tony@rbd- May 24, 2008 at 5:04 am
Yves Lavigne KO'd by shoelace. lol.
shutupandfight- May 24, 2008 at 4:59 am
agree with Gearhead.

when the hell is Penn going to learn to just...shutup...andfight.

outstanding knee though.
Gearhead- May 24, 2008 at 4:27 am
Just because BJ can fight, doesn't mean that we want to hear this guy TALK and TALK and TALK. Notice how quickly the audience left? People chewed their legs off to get away....
TPark- May 24, 2008 at 4:25 am
2guys 1Cup?... of Ipeac?
ben- May 24, 2008 at 4:15 am
@ Joseph:
A tie is a loss for nobody, actually. UFC 85 is in two weeks, so stop your whining.

I don't regret the two predictions I missed completely (Reljic/Gouveia, W.Silva/Jardine), but in retrospect, I should have foreseen the Thiago Silva/Mendes and Sokoudjou/Nakamura fights as the one-round steamrollings that they were. Good lord, how chubby did Nakamura look? Playing it safer and going with the second round on both fights cost me Ryan's humiliation, without a doubt. Sorry guys.
Reckless- May 24, 2008 at 4:14 am
play rock paper scissors and the loser chugs. best 2 out of 3.
Joseph- May 24, 2008 at 4:03 am
You better be drinking that Ipecac. A tie is a loss for both of you. FL will do it no question, but you aren't so definite. Don't be a bitch, BG. Drink the fucking ipecac and post a video you ball-less bitch.
LOL- May 24, 2008 at 3:51 am
Wiltzor- May 24, 2008 at 3:46 am
What the fuck, Ben?? I may be drunk, but how did you and FL end up 19-19????

I used your picks as a (loose) guideline for mine and I went 9 for with 4 perfect fighter/type/round.

Are you telling me.. fuck it, FUCK. I WANT BARF!
Self Defense- May 24, 2008 at 3:33 am
I thought that Ortiz and Jardine would have better showings. I didn't necessarily expect them to win but damn I thought they might have a small chance.

Jardine got destroyed.
Tito Ortiz- May 24, 2008 at 3:29 am
Where's Jenna? I need to fondle her boobs.
omoplata- May 24, 2008 at 3:28 am
dude, fucking crazy ass UFC! I'm still waiting for the main card.. I recorded the whole thing and I'm in comercial skipping mode right now... check it out I started a new thread: I like to hear what other people thing.