(Photo courtesy of UFC.com.)
It’s time, baby. Jon Fitch attempts to steal Georges St. Pierre‘s welterweight belt, Kenny Florian and Roger Huerta throw down in a lightweight
#1 contender “definitely in the mix” match, and Brock Lesnar smash face. Hit that “more” link and refresh the page every few minutes to read all the latest from the Target Center in Minneapolis, MN. Low prices every day — caged death tonight.
The Minneapolis crowd…noticeably less good-looking than the Las Vegas crowd. But no matter, we’re live and ready to rock. GSP has a 80% success rate in takedowns, 83% success rate in takedown defense, and has only spent 4:51 on his back in his UFC career. As for Jon Fitch, no opponent has ever passed his guard, and he sports a 70% takedown defense rate. How ’bout those stats! Joe Rogan has like a four-day beard-growth going on. Come on bro, you’re better than that.
Round 1: Maia with an inside leg kick. MacDonald charges forward and clinches, and Maia responds by pulling guard. Maia trying to set up a triangle, and locks it the hell in. MacDonalad hangs in like a soldier, while Maia drops elbows into his head. But MacDonald slips put, then takes Maia’s back and almost sinks in a rear-naked choke! Maia escapes, and Mac gets back into Maia’s guard. MacDonald gets up and Maia grabs for his legs. MacDonald stands again then drops back in and wraps his arm around Maia’s neck. MacDonald rolls and that choke is sunk in deep. But Maia escapes and takes MacDonald’s back with a rear-naked choke! MacDonald slips out and the bell rings. Crazy first round…maybe dead even with both guys nearly finishing the other.
Round 2: Maia sticks MacDonalad with a hard left hook, and MacDonald shoots in on him with a wobbly clinch. Dirty boxing from Maia, then a takedown. Maia passes into full mount and drops an elbow. Maia starts landing big punches and elbows from the top. MacDonald tries to buck up, to no avail. More sharp elbows from Maia, then a series of punches to the sides of MacDonald’s head. MacDonald is bloodied. Maia sets up a triangle, but MacDonald escapes it and rolls on top of Maia. But the bell rings before he can make anything happen. Clear 10-9 round for Maia.
Round 3: Maia lands a left then takes MacDonald down. MacDonald briefly attempts a guillotine then rolls on top of Maia. Maia rolls for some freakin’ reason and MacDonald almost gets a choke in. Maia escapes and gets on top of MacDonald, throwing more ‘bows. MacDonald rolls to his stomach and takes a few punches from Maia. Maia gets his arm under MacDonald’s neck…finally MacDonald succumbs to the choke and taps. “Motherfucker,” he says when Maia tries to embrace him. Demian Maia def. Jason MacDonald via rear-naked choke, 2:44 of round 3.
Kenny Florian vs. Roger Huerta? Already?!
Roger Hurta has whined his way into a lead-in slot to Manny Gamburyan. Brutal. Huerta sings along to his theme song, which kicks so much ass, while Stitch lubes up his face. Dan Miragliotta’s reffing this one? Oh no, that’s like a double fuck you! Florian bows his head in a rather lengthy prayer before entering the cage. Probably that one about God teaching your fingers to war, or some bullshit. Buffer puts a lot of salsa on his pronunciation of “HUERTAAAAHH!!!”
Round 1: Leg kick from Huerta, and Florian returns fire. Huerta with another. Kenny with a body kick. Huerta punches as Florian shoots in with a knee. Two more leg kicks from Huerta, but Kenny catches the last one and takes Huerta down. Florian quickly gets the mount and socks Huerta one. Huerta rolls and Kenny’s on his back. Huerta escapes and gets to his feet! The crowd chants Huerta. Kenny misses a superman punch and head kick. Huerta lands a counterpunch and goes after Kenny, pushing him against the cage. Dirty boxing and a knee from Huerta. Kenny backpedals until he’s out of the clinch. Kenny tries to lock on a thai clinch but is pushed off. Some sparring from both guys. Roger chasing Kenny and the horn sounds. Close round…Roger may have pushed the action a bit more.
Round 2: Kenny with a body kick, then a head kick to Roger’s glove. Sharp body kick from Huerta. Roger falls to his knees clinching with Florian against the cage, but Florian doesn’t take advantage and escapes the clinch. Florian going for the single leg and Roger wraps up his arm and lands an elbow from the top. Florian bulls Huerta down, then takes his back, throwing punches. Huerta slips out and they’re standing again. Leg kick from Florian. Leg sweep from Florian, and Huerta briefly hits the mat. Another leg kick from Kenny. Roger misses a superman punch. Huerta clinches and pushes Florian against the cage. Florian lands an elbow and uppercut. Out of the clinch, he lands a right hook, then a couple more punches and a kick. The horn sounds. Clear 10-9 round for Florian.
Round 3: Front kick lands to Huerta’s chin. Florian takes Roger down but he pops up and takes a knee. Florian lands a big punch and takes Huerta down again. Florian threatens the kneebar briefly, then rolls into Huerta’s full guard. Huerta’s with some elbows from the bottom. Kenny gets to his feet, and Roger follows. Good punch combo from Huerta. Knee to the body from Florian, then a big left hook. Another front kick to Huerta’s face! Then Florian lands a jab and dodges Huerta’s punches. Florian looks to be riding out the round, and the crowd boos. Roger lands some punches, then takes a knee to the body. Roger lands a leg kick. Florian lands a body dhot that seems to hurt Huerta. He throws a punch combo then takes Huerta down. But Roger gets up and they exchange punches as the round ends. It’s looking like a decision win for Florian. Y’know, as predicted. All three judges score it 30-27 for Kenny Florian. Well, I guess he doesn’t always finish fights. Big boos from the crowd as Kenny tells Joe how much he respects Kenny. He plugs his new school, Florian Martial Arts Center. Roger looks pretty freakin’ bummed. Now what were you saying about points on the pay per view?
Manvel Gamburyan vs. Rob Emerson
I sort of can’t believe this is a PPV main card fight. Whatever. Emerson comes out to M.I.A.’s “Paper Planes,” which meatheads know about thanks to the trailer for Pineapple Express. SOUTH COUNTY WHAT.
Round 1: Manny comes out swingin’ like a maniac and gets punched to the ground, then gets punched OUT on the ground. Fuck. 12 seconds, people. Emerson def. Gamburyan via KO. Son of a bitch will probably get a $60,000 bonus for that.
Cheick Kongo vs. Dan Evensen (from the undercard)
Dan Evenson desribes himself as a “wiking,” which I think is like an ewok. Wikings, as it happens, have terrible taste in entrance music. Joe Rogan: “The UFC is actually way cooler than the Olympics.” Goldberg: “Good point by you.”
Round 1: Kongo works the leg kicks. Evensen rushes in but Kongo pushes him against the cage, then slams him to the ground. Kongo grabs Evensen’s foot, drags him forward a bit then lays a ton of kicks into Evensen’s legs from the top. The ref stands them up after a brief pause in the action. They clinch against the cage again and Evensen goes for a guillotine but Kongo slips out. Evensen goes for it again and Kongo pops out. Kongo throws a knee into Evensen’s thigh, then takes him down again. Kongo throws some strikes from half guard. Kongo gets to his feet and the ref lets Evensen up. Kongo lands a body kick, then lands a huge right which sends Evensen to the mat, and wildman-punches Evensen until the fight is stopped…with only five seconds left in the round. Kongo def. Evensen via TKO, 4:55 of round 1. Evensen is still on the ground as the result is announced. Kongo says he’s one of the best fighters in the world, and he wants the “tittle.” Joe asks Kongo to take him through the replay, and Kongo walks off. “Or not,” Joe says.
Brock Lesnar vs. Heath Herring
Lesnar is repping Jack Links jerky to the FULLEST. He intentionally slaps then unintentionally punches one of his cornermen while entering the cage. Guess who’s not getting good advice between rounds? Oh well. Minnesota loves them some Brock Lesnar. And Miragliotta pokes Herring in the eye during the faceoff. Moron.
Round 1: Lesnar whiffs a flying kick. Then punches Herring so hard he flips over completely! Herring rolls to his feet and Lesnar tries to crush out a guillotine choke, but Herring is hanging in. Herring appears to be bleeding. He escapes, but Brock gets the takedown, obviously. Herring kicks him off, but Lesnar jumps on and throws punches while on Herring’s back. Herring tries to move, but Lesnar is tenacious with the back control, throwing some scary punches into Herring’s head. Herring is complaining about something (shots to the back of the head?). Big knee to Herring’s body. Lesnar aint giving up that back, as desperately as Herring’s trying to escape. More ground and pound from Lesnar, who nods his head to the crowd’s chanting. The horn sounds. Easy 10-9 round for Lesnar. They replay that big punch in the beginning and it is murder. Herring’s left eye is pretty bad-looking.
Round 2: Lesnar shoots but is stuffed. Lesnar lands a leg kick! How bout that! Lesnar bulls Herring to the ground with ease, taking his back again. Lesnar gets side control on top of Herring. Herring rolls and Lesnar’s on his back again. Lesnar gets mount, but Herring rolls again. Lesnar throws those 4XL gloves into Herring’s ear. Knees to the body from Lesnar. Herring’s left eye is completely swollen shut. Back to side control. Herring is doing his best to be a moving target, then manages to get to his feet. Lesnar nails Herring with two knees to the body. Herring throws some knees of his own now. Lesnar puts Herring back on the mat as the round ends. 10-9 for Lesnar again.
Round 3: Lesnar smiling at Herring across the cage. Nice leg kick from Lesnar. Herring pushes Lesnar against the cage. Lesnar reverses it, and throws some knees, then takes Herring down again. Lesnar is on Herring’s back, throwing knees dead into his spine. Herring briefly threatens a kimura, then Brock gets the mount. Herring bounces out and Lesnar’s on his back again. Disgustingly painful-looking knee to the body from lesnar. Lesnar goes for the rear-naked choke but Herring slips out, gets up, and starts to fire punches on his feet. Brock wants no part of it and easily takes Herring down. Lesnar with more back control. Herring rolls and Brock gets into his guard. Lesnar scores the mount. He celebrates a few seconds early and gets punched. Brock seems to point and laugh at Herring as the horn sounds. Lesnar’s a happy man. He does a little rodeo lasso routine as Herring slinks back to his corner. BROCK LESNAR IS THE TRUTH. All three judges score it 30-26 for Lesnar. “Can you see me now?!” Lesnar says to the crowd. Then says something about falling off the horse against Frank Mir, but getting back on the stallion and riding it somewhere, then says “woo!” Quite a showman.
Georges St. Pierre vs. Jon Fitch
Get in your final predictions now. Fitch looks intense as hell, by the way. GSP does that water-spit thing he does, then pours some out, possibly for his dead homies.
Round 1: GSP gets a takedown right off the bell. Fitch controlling GSP’s body and hands. GSP sneaks in a punch, then an elbow. GSP thrown down two more from the top. Fitch tries to get to his feet, but GSP puts him back down. Fitch gets up and takes a punch, then a right hand that drops him! GSP slugging hard from the top. Fitch taking huge punches and elbows; he’s cut under his left eye. GSP dropping more right hands. Fitch gets his feet and is wobbled by more punches. GSP takes him down and continues the abuse. Deadly elbows from GSP, who moves to side control, then the mount. GSP becomes the first fighter to pass Fitch’s guard. And the horn sounds. Total domination from GSP.
Round 2: Fitch lands a left. GSP pops him with the jab. Superman punch and leg kick from GSP. Another leg kick, and some great jabs from GSP, then a head kick. A couple more leg kicks from the champ. Fitch digs a punch into GSP’s body. GSP misses a spinning back kick. Both guys exchange punches, with Fitch getting the worst of it. And another exchange. Fitch lands a right, then a left. GSP sticking and moving, then shoots, but is stuffed by Fitch. Fitch with a slick punch combo. GSP gets a right hand to Fitch’s ear. The horn sounds. A closer round, but still clearly in GSP’s favor.
Round 3: After trading punches, GSP lands a huge right hand that knocks Fitch on his ass! GSP takes Fitch’s back and sinks the hooks in. Fitch is bleeding heavily from the eye. Fitch escapes the choke attempt and rolls on top of GSP. Fitch laying some shots into GSP’s body from the top. Fitch moving GSP towards the fence. Fitch tries to posture up and GSP slips out, and rolls on top of Fitch. Fitch is pressed against the cage. GSP lets Fitch up and they’re back standing. Good jabs from GSP, then a leg kick. GSP fires a head kick then a leg kick, then pushes Fitch against the cage. Fitch lands a punch from the clinch, then GSP punches back. GSP lands a combo with a vicious knee that drops Fitch again. GSP pouring it on as Fitch gets to his feet, then slams Fitch to the mat as the round ends. Another 10-9 round for GSP.
Round 4: Fitch missing some punches. GSP is cut, but not as bad as Fitch. Fitch with a body kick. GSP with a hard right hook, and Fitch responds with another body kick. Fitch shoots in weakly and is easily stuffed by GSP. Fitch lands a jab. Fitch does his damndest to take GSP down, but the champ manages to stay upright. Fitch tenacious on the single leg and drops to his knees. He lets go, and GSP immediately pounces on top of him. Fitch avoiding serious damage from the top, and GSP goes for a last-second leglock as the round ends.
Round 5: GSP pops Fitch with a left, then lands two leg kicks. And a jab. And then a sick reverse backfist! GSP takes Fitch down near the cage, throwing down some hard punches. GSP lands an elbow from the top, and more punches. Fitch gets up and is popped by a jab. GSP goes for another takedown and gets it. One minute left. Fitch tries to wriggle out but GSP aint having it. Fitch gets up and GSP puts him right back down. And the horn. Both guys kneel and bow to each other in the center of the Octagon. GSP IS ALSO THE TRUTH. St. Pierre makes his first career title defense, winning the unanimous decision; the judges score it 50-43, 50-44, 50-44.
GSP told Fitch that the loss was the best thing to happen to him; it’ll make him stronger. BJ Penn wanders into the cage and says “let’s do this!” GSP says he’s a proud champion and will fight anybody who deserves it. And the broadcast runs out of time as GSP tries to give more shoutouts. But that’s the end. Great freaking card. Good night all…we’ll talk Monday.