(As a Brazilian might say, Patrick is about to get haped. Photo courtesy of UFC.com.)

Last week, I sent a letter to Dana White asking if the UFC’s tired old gladiator intro could be replaced with this for tonight’s broadcast. So, fingers crossed. Anyway, we’re about to witness the beginning of the end of Anderson Silva‘s career (and possibly Cote’s, depending on how badly he gets injured tonight), a potential fight-of-the-night between the Pitbull vs. the Koscheck, a heavyweight feature that shouldn’t have even been approved by the athletic commission, and a few guys who couldn’t finish a fight to save their balls. Join us, won’t you? Round-by-round updates and commentary await you after the jump; refresh the page every few minutes for all the latest.

Goddamnit, it’s the same gladiator bullshit intro. I WON’T BE IGNORED, DANA.

Where my Chicagoans at?! It seems that Rosemont has a large goth-chick contingent, and that’s cool with me. According to Joe Rogan, Patrick Cote has heart, balls, and power. Anderson Silva, unfortunately, has knees, elbows, fists, and feet.

Sean Sherk vs. Tyson Griffin
You guys psyched for the first decision of the main card? My money’s on Sherk for the unanimous D. Tyson comes out to “Eye of the Tiger,” possibly unironically. Can anybody explain Tyson’s back tattoo to me? It looks like a pen exploded on him. Buffer’s trademark 180-twist is seriously getting out of hand. Dr. David Smith is reffing. Don’t blow it, newbie.
Round 1: Sherk bulls in after throwing a hook and takes Tyson down against the cage. Sherk takes Griffin’s back and Griffin carries him across the cage before tossing him off. Back on the feet, Grffin throws some punches and lands a leg kick. Sherk shoots and is stuffed, but he pushes Griffin against the cage and gets the double-leg. Sherk is bleeding onto Griffin. Tyson gets to his feet and throws a few punches into Sherk’s face. Tyson pushes Sherk off and lands a solid right, then a leg kick. Good left from Sherk, then a hard leg kick from Griffin. Sherk with his own leg kick. Sherk lands a punch combo and a leg kick. Griffin whiffs a head kick. Griffin shoots and Sherk sprawls. Sherk brilliantly transitions to Griffin’s back, but gives it up when Griffin starts carrying him again. Griffin lands an uppercut. Both men land bombs in a frantic exchange and the round ends.

Round 2: Sherk with a leg kick. Tough body kick by Griffin and Sherk shoots in, taking Griffin down against the cage. Griffin gets to his feet and takes a punch. Sherk kicks Griffin’s leg, and Griffin returns with a punch. Another leg kick from Sherk, whose striking is looking impressive in this fight. Body kick from Griffin. Sherk lands some hard punches. It’s a boxing match now, with both men throwing punches in bunches. Griffin throws a head kick then lights Sherk up with a punch combo. Griffin is counter-punching well, but Sherk slips in some shots, then lands another one backing up. Griffin weakly attempts a takedown; he’s looking very gassed now. He misses two wobbly leg kicks. And there’s the bell.

Round 3: Right hook from Griffin rocks Sherk, but he recovers and nails Griffin with one of his own. Wild punch exchange now. A straight right from Griffin gets through Sherk’s guard. Sherk hasn’t attempted a takedown in a long time, which could cost him the fight. Nice leg kick from Griffin, and Sherk responds with two leg kicks and a body kick. Two more Sherk leg kicks. Sharp punch combo from Sherk. Griffin gets an uppercut in, and Sherk responds with a 1-2 combo. Leg kick from Griffin. Left hooks from Sherk. Sherk lands more punches. Brutal leg kick from Griffin but Sherk keeps landing punches. And that’s the fight. From my angle, it looks like Sherk will take the decision. The judges say 30-27, and 29-28 twice, all for the Muscle Shark. Lotta boos for this guy.

Did you know there’s going to be a third Transporter movie? How bout that.

Patrick Cote, who wants to “shock the world,” intends to go toe-to-toe with the middleweight champ. We’ve heard it all before, dead man.

Fabricio Werdum vs. Junior Dos Santos
Big Nog is in Dos Santos’s corner. So at least somebody knows who this guy is. Cigano’s cornermen accidentally drop his sponsor banner over his face. No respect! This fight is brought to you by Xyience, by the way. I could have sworn they went out of business after robbing their shareholders, but they’re back now so deal with it. And Dan Severn‘s in the house!
Round 1: Dos Santos leaning forward with jabs to the body. Werdum bouncing out of the way. Werdum lands a leg kick and Dos Santos returns it. Werdum lands a leg kick. Dos Santos lands a mammoth uppercut and Werdum’s nose explodes as he goes down. He’s out before he hit the ground. Whoever bet money on Dos Santos is a rich motherfucker now. Dude gets the KO, 1:20 of round 1. Poor Werdum. Gonna have to wait for that title shot, buddy. I’d like to retract my prediction that Werdum gets the knockout bonus tonight. (What, too late?)

Rich Clementi vs. Gray Maynard
Gray comes out with Randy Couture and Jay Hieron, to the strains of “Ain’t Nothin’ But a Gangsta Party.” Add in four shots of tequila and you have the recipe for one confident motherfucker.
Round 1: Clementi is cutting off the cage at first, but Maynard lands first, springing forward with punches. A right from Maynard lands. The crowd boos some inactivity on the feet. Leg kick Clementi. Maynard shoots and is stuffed. Maynard lands a nice right hook. Clementi misses with a garbage-ass kick. Maynard slips in another right. Maynard catches a Clemnti kick, lifts and slams him. Maynard throwing punches to Clementi’s ribs from the top. Clementi sits up, trying to sweep, and Maynard pushes him back down, landing more punches from the top. The round ends, and it probably goes to Maynard.

Round 2: Maynard pops the right. Maynard pushes Clementi against the cage, but Clementi knees out of it. Clementi tries for a head kick. Maynard shoots, and slams Clementi to the ground. Clementi gets to his feet but Maynard tries for a guillotine. The fighters go to the ground and Clementi almost finds an armbar off his back, but loses it. Clementi rolling trying to get to his feet, but Maynard sticks on top of him. Maynard ain’t doing much besides keeping Clementi on the ground. Maynard briefly gets Clementi’s back, but Clementi rolls. Maynard stays on top and the crowd boos heartily as the round ends.

Round 3: Maynard lands a punch combo. Another slam by Maynard, and the Bully works for a choke on the ground. The referee tells the fighters to do something, and Joe Rogan politely asks what he’d like them to do. Maynard in Clementi’s guard now, with Clementi throwing elbows from the bottom. Rogan is getting very pissed with the ref’s constant orders to “do somethin’.” Although really, they aren’t doing much. Clementi stands up briefly and is slammed right back down. Clementi reverses from the bottom, and gets up, but Maynard puts No Love down again. Maynard laying on him to end the round. Terrible fucking fight. Maynard wins it unanimously.

Thiago Alves vs. Josh Koscheck
Koscheck gets the Good Taste award for coming out to “Higher Ground” by the Chili Peppers. He skips mightly out to the cage. Alves lookin’ huge, as always.
Round 1: Leg kick Alves. Hook from Alves as Kos dashes in. Kos slips while throwing a side kick and Alves almost pounces on him. Kos gets nailed with a right hand and goes down. Kos shoots for a leg to recover, but Alves pulls out then smashes him with a head kick when Kos gets up. Kos jabs after surviving the onslaught, then lands a punch combo. Alves with a stiff jab then a leg kick. A right hand from Koscheck rattles Alves. Nice leg kick from Alves. Good 1-2 from Kos, who then tries for a takedown against the cage. Alves defends it then throws a head kick, and two leg kicks. Inside leg kicks from Alves. There’s the horn. The round likely goes to Alves for putting Kos in serious trouble.

Round 2: Leg kick Kos, then some fierce punches. Leg kick/punch combo from Alves. Head kick from Kos. Hard leg kick from Alves. Koscheck misses a spinning back kick, but jumps forward and drives a nasty knee into Alves’s body. Kos pressing Alves against the cage, but Alves escapes. Leg kick from Alves. Good jabs from Kos. Alves returns with some serious kicks to the legs and body. Alves is punishing Kos’s legs, and lands a good hook to Kos’s head. Kos shoots but Alves defends again. Koscheck laying against Alves on the fence to end the round.

Round 3: Sharp punches and leg kicks from Alves. A knee from Alves sends Kos to the ground, but he manages to get to his feet and escape further damage. Kos clinches but can’t take Alves down. Alves pushes out of it. Kos calls a time out after getting poked in the eye, but returns to action quickly. Punches from Alves. Head kick Alves. Now Alves gets poked in the eye and takes a brief break. Hard leg kick Alves. And another one that buckles Koscheck. And two more. Koscheck trying to land punches where he can, but he can’t make much happen. Kos misses a side kick, Alves pops him with a punch, and the bell rings. Alves doesn’t hear it and scores a late takedown. Kos is not amused.

Alves shouts out Ay Chee Chee and Tapaauot. He gets the unanimous decision, obviously. Alves tells Dana White that he’s still a good boy, so please hook him up with a title shot.

And the 55 seconds we’ve all been waiting for…

Anderson Silva vs. Patrick Cote
I just noticed that Joe Rogan has a pretty serious black eye going on. Problems at last night’s Zanies set? Cote ees never scare’. World, are you ready to be shocked? Anderson Silva walks out in an Addidas track suit. All that’s missing is the shell-toes. He looks loose. Joe Rogan is obscenely marking out on Silva right now. Herb Dean is reffing this shit. Both fighters bow at the face-off.
Round 1: Leg kick Cote. Cote misses an overhand right. Leg kick again from Cote. Crowd getting restless. Silva still hasn’t thrown. Leg kick Cote. Leg kick Silva. Cote misses a head kick. Front kick from Silva, and a body kick. Silva comes forward with some punches, but ain’t doing much overall. Body kick Silva, and both men exchange punches. Then a big knee and a head kick from Silva. Leg kick Cote. Silva has his hands down, baiting Cote. Hard leg kick Silva. Body kick Silva. And there’s the bell. What the fuck did I just witness?

Round 2: Cote bouncing now and throws a superman punch. Silva lands a hard left, then a switch kick, but Cote brushes him back with a spinning backfist. They clinch against the cage. Hard leg kick from Silva, then some punches and another kick. Body kick Silva. Cote rushes in, and Silva tosses him to the ground. Silva in Cote’s full guard. Silva gets up, taps Cote’s legs with kicks, then OFFERS HIS HAND to help Cote up. Crazy. Body kick Cote. Silva is doing some 52 Blocks type shit. WTF. Tappy leg kicks from Cote. He’s afraid to commit. The crowd boos. Cote catches a leg kick and bulls Silva into the cage. Elbow and knees from Silva to end the round. Cote becomes the first UFC fighter to take Anderson Silva to the third round.

Round 3: Cote goes down for no apparent reason! His knee blew out without Silva touching it. NO! NOOOO! Silva wins by TKO, 39 seconds into the third. Bullshit. Christ, what if Silva has to waste one of his last remaining fights to rematch cote? Silva tells the crowd not to boo Cote. If I was there, I’d be booing Silva for doing fuck-all in the first two rounds. He could have saved us from all of this.

I think it’s safe to say that Chicago did not get their money’s worth. My goodness.

Now they’re replaying the Thales Leites/Drew McFedries fight, which was the only quick stoppage from the undercard. McFedries rocks Leites early with some haymakers, but Leites takes him down and quickly takes McFedries’s back. Leites traps one of Drew’s arms with his leg and easily sinks in the RNC.

Now I guess Joe and Mike will have to kill time for 17 minutes because it doesn’t look like they’ll be showing another fight. Spencer Fisher actually gets submission of the night for his triangle choke of Shannon Gugerty. They cut to Silva backstage, who lays his belt on a folding chair and bows down to it. Who knows what he must be thinking right now. Joe Rogan explains that the beard is in honor of Evan Tanner. Rogan and Goldberg bump mics respectfully. And that’s it. Fuck. I’m going to watch Don Draper on SNL now. Peace.