"UFC 95: Sanchez vs. Stevenson" — Not-Quite-Liveblog!

("Look, I'm not saying you have to touch your foreheads together like some of the other guys, but you have to understand how retarded this looks right now." Photo courtesy of Combat Lifestyle.)

Like the light from a distant star that died out millions of years before it can be seen from Earth, here we are about to watch the transmission of a UFC event that already happened, hours away and across an ocean. If you were able to avoid spoilers up until this point, pat yourself on the back. And I'd just like to take this opportunity to warn you that if you want to keep this experience totally pure, maybe stay away from the comments section for a while, because there's always gonna be some sad loser who takes perverted joy in ruining things for the rest of us, when they're not masturbating in their own feces. (No offense to "COOL!" or the guy currently pretending to be "Kadumel." You seem like a couple of interesting dudes and I'd love to get a beer and a burger with you sometime. Please get in touch with me here.)

Live Tape-delayed results and commentary for UFC 95 are after the jump. Refresh the page every few minutes to see all the latest...

Quick prediction: Dan Quinn will be one of Diego Sanchez's cornermen; his liberal application of Stevia to the Nightmare's chest and back between rounds will result in a brutal loss for Joe Stevenson and the eventual banning of "The White Cure" from the Octagon.

Diego sounds scary-intense in his pre-show sound bites. Somebody check his refrigerator for the heads of missing prostitutes.

There's the first promo for The Ultimate Fighter: Team U.S. vs. Team U.K., lookin' slick as hell, and soundtracked by the Sex Pistols. Come on boys, show those limey pansies we can trash a house better than anyone in the world!

Josh Koscheck vs. Paulo Thiago
To paraphrase Chris Leben, Josh Koscheck is about to send a Brazilian back to Brazil. Thiago has Lyoto Machida-style Power 'Brows. In the U.K., Koscheck is actually cheered. He should move there permanently.
Round 1: Kos stalking, and misses an overhand right. And another. Thiago with the jab, and a leg kick. Koscheck lands the right hand, and puts a kick behind it. Thiago with a leg kick. The crowd is booing any period of inactivity. Kos almost takes Thiago's head off with that same homerun-punch. Kos rushes in with a punch combo. That fuckin' crowd, man. High kick Koscheck, and a right hook. Thiago lands a huge uppercut that sends Koscheck to the mat and the ref immediately stops it! Kos is pissed and the crowd ain't too happy either.

Hey, Grand Theft Auto IV: The Lost and Damned looks petty kick-ass.

The replay shows that Koscheck was knocked into a living death. Thiago restrained himself from pouring on more damage when Kos was on his back; if he didn't, Koscheck would probably still be unconscious right now. Paulo Thiago def. Josh Koscheck via KO, 3:29 of round 1. Rio de Janeiro drug gangs, beware!

Demian Maia vs. Chael Sonnen
Don't worry, Anderson, one day you'll be as good as these guys. Sonnen says "Demian Maia's run through Team Quest ends tonight." I just noticed that it says "Live from London" in the upper-right corner of the screen. LIARS! Matt Lindland and Urijah Faber are in Sonnen's corner. Not too bad. Maybe one of them could pinch-fight for him.
Round 1: Body kick Maia, and Sonnen catches the kick and pushes him to the ground, but Maia gets up. Kick from Sonnen. Maia shoots and tries to pull guard, but Sonnen pulls out. Sonnen tries to throw down some punches, and Maia gets to his feet. Sonnen lands some punches in an exchange, but Maia scores a takedown and quickly sets up a triangle choke that makes Sonnen tap. Man that was quick. And as smooth as freakin' Country Crock. Maia picks up his fifth straight submission win in the Octagon. Demian Maia def. Chael Sonnen via submission (triangle choke), 2:37 of round 1.
Maia calls for a title shot in the post-fight interview, and Wanderlei Silva whoops it up in the background. Sorry, bro; Brazilians are only eligible for shitle tots.

Junior Dos Santos vs. Stefan Struve (from the undercard)
Dos Santos rushes in and clinches, but Struve pushes out. Leg kick Dos Santos, then a body punch. Dos Santos charges in with a barrage of punches, knocks Struve down once with a right hook, then knocks him down again when Struve gets to his feet, and Miragliotta stops the action. "Cigano" = for real.
Dos Santos def. Struve via TKO, 0:54 of round 1. Struve is salty about the stoppage.

Nate Marquardt vs. Wilson Gouveia
Whoa, referee Leon Roberts needs to be piss-tested.
Round 1: Nate whiffs a leg kick. Leg kick Gouveia, push kick Marquardt. Leg kick Marquardt. High kick from Marqurdt, then another leg kick. Marquardt throws a superman punch and charges in after it, but Gouveia avoids trouble. Leg kick Marquardt, and another. Body kick Marquardt. Gouveia comes forward with punches, and Marquardt retreats. Body punch Marquardt, and then a push kick and a leg kick. Marquardt shoots for a takedown, gets it, but Gouveia wraps his arm around for a guillotine choke. After a tense moment, Marquardt pulls out. Marquardt lands a big elbow from the top and gets to his feet as the round ends.

Round 2: Leg kick Marquardt. Gouveia returns with a body kick, then a leg kick later. Gouveia again dashes in with punches, but Marquardt answers with a knee, then some more punches and knees, pushing Gouveia against the cage. Gouveia wobbles Marquardt with a punch, but Marquardt manages to take Gouveia's back when Gouveia clumsily rushes in. Marquardt gets on top after dragging Gouveia to the ground, and starts throwing some nasty elbows. Gouveia gets to his feet and Marquardt almost locks a guillotine choke in. A punch and some knees land on Gouveia, who's looking gassed. Sharp leg kick from Marquardt, and two big right power punches. Gouveia is unsteady on his feet, but the horn saves him.

Round 3: Body kick Marquardt. Gouveia tries to surprise Marquardt with punches, but Marquardt dodges. Body kick from Marquardt, who then clinches on Gouveia's back. Marquardt throws some knees into Gouveia's legs. Marquardt can't get a takedown, so he backs off. Gouveia advances with punches, but Marquardt springs forward with a head kick, knees, and punches, sending Gouveia to the mat against the cage, and the ref stops it. Gouveia's face seems to have exploded. That finish was crazy; flying knee, two head kicks, spinning backfist, right straight, knee, etc. Marquardt def. Gouveia via TKO, 3:10 of round 3.

Terry Etim vs. Brian Cobb (from the undercard)
Round 1: Leg kick Etim. He tries another one, and Cobb catches it, but can't do anything with it. Etim clinches but Etim pulls out. NASTY leg kick from Etim. Cobb catches a kick from Etim and throws him down. Cobb gets in Etim's guard, and Etim nearly snatches an armbar. Etim controlling Cobb's body, and the ref stands them up. Leg kick Etim, and again. And again. Etim slips in a punch, then two kicks. Cobb shoots to get it back to the ground. Etim locks Cobb's body down again on the ground. Cobb slugs punches into Etim's body. The ref stands 'em back up again. Right hook Etim, and two leg kicks. cobb shoots, clinches, and Etim falls on top of him. Cobb gets to his feet as the round ends.

Round 2: Leg kick from Etim, and a dead-on kick to Cobb's jaw, and Cobb is dunzo. The ref stops it after a follow-up punch from Etim. Another killer finish, 0:10 into round 2. Etim needs the British version of Ed Soares to translate in the post-fight interview.

Evan Dunham vs. Per Eklund (from the undercard)
Round 1: Dunham rocks Eklund with a punch, and tries to lock in a guillatine after Eklund clinches. Eklund pulls out, then pulls guard and tries for an armbar. High kick Eklund. Dunham lands some punches. Dunham with the monster straight left and Eklund goes stiff as a board. Another punch on the ground and the ref comes in to save Eklund's life. MY GOD THIS FREE CARD. Dunham def. Eklund via KO, 2:14 of round 1.

This just in: Nobody likes Canada, so shut the fuck up.

Neil Grove vs. Mike Ciesnolevicz (from the undercard)
Round 1: Cies immediately shoots, and Grove falls on top of him. Cies transitions to a heel-hook. Grove tries for his own. But Mike Ciesnolevicz gets his, and Grove taps. Grove stays on the mat in visible agony. He gets to his feet in even more visible agony. Mike Ciesnolevicz def. Neil Grove via submission (heel-hook), 1:03 of round 1.

Dan Hardy vs. Rory Markham
Markham comes out to a bagpipe version of "Amazing Grace," and the London crowd is not impressed. True to his mohawk, Hardy goes with Brit-punk. He tastefully bows to the crowd before entering the cage.
Round 1: Leg kick Hardy. Markham comes in with a looping left hook that draws blood from Markham's nose. Hardy smashes Markham with a left hook that crumples him, and puts a couple of exclamation points on his face from above. Hardy by KO. Good Lord. This is the little card that could. Amazing finishes tonight. Rory Markham looks like he went through a windshield. Hardy def. Markham via KO, 1:09 of round 1.

Diego Sanchez vs. Joe Stevenson
Sanchez has globs of Stevia hanging off his lips. He is insanely fired up, yelling "YES!" almost to the beat of his entrance music, Queen's "We Will Rock You." Sanchez runs around the cage, completely out of his mind. Condolences in advance to the family of Joe Daddy. Sanchez and Stevenson do their far-away faceoff thing again.
Round 1: Diego works some punches. Sanchez shoots for a single leg but Stevenson stuffs. Joe lands a stright right. Knee to the body by Sanchez. Hard 1-2 combo from Sanchez lands flush. Stevenson presses forward with punches. Right hand from Joe. High kick Sanchez. Sharp right hook from Sanchez, then an uppercut that wobbles Stevenson, and another. Stevenson shoots to slow down the pace and Sanchez stuffs. Both men land punches. Sanchez swinging for the fences with that uppercut. Knee to the body from Sanchez. High kick Sanchez. Sanchez lands another uppercut in a punch exchange as the round ends. 10-9 Sanchez.

Round 2: Sanchez shakes Stevenson with some punches, then charges in with a knee and takes the fight to the ground. Sanchez tries to take Joe's back, and Stevenson stands up with him, shaking him off. They tap gloves in respect after the effort. Sanchez pushes Stevenson up against the cage and Stevenson tries to lock in his trusty guillotine, but Sanchez body slams him and gets on top. After a failed guillotine and armlock from Sanchez, they're on their feet again, Sanchez throwing strikes. Stiff jab from Stevenson. Straight left from Sanchez, and Stevenson answers witrh a right. Stevenson chasing Sanchez, but eats a hook. Uppercut from Stevenson. Stevenson lands again. Sanchez still looking for that knockout uppercut. High kick Sanchez and the round ends. Much closer than round 1...

Round 3: Sanchez still looking fresh with his combos, but not landing many of his punches. Jab from Stevenson. Right from Stevenson. Sanchez throws a knee to the body. Sanchez sticks some punches. Sanchez shoots but Stevenson stuffs and asks the crowd for some love. Both fighters landing jabs. Stevenson charging forward with punches, and lands a nice left. Sanchez tries for another takedown, but winds up taking Stevenson's back against the cage. Joe Daddy gets out, and slugs Sanchez in the ribs. Right from Sanchez lands. Both guys whale on each other as the round ends. It could have been Stevenson's; this might be a close one.

The scores: 29-28, 30-27, 30-27 all for Sanchez. Sanchez says his drop to lightweight is "permanent, for now." The crowd doesn't seem to like him. But Jesus loves him, and that's what's really important.

So damn -- nine out of ten fights make the broadcast, and they all kicked ass. Gotta love it. But alas, it's time for me to sign off. Enjoy the rest of your weekend, Taterheads.