Case of beer? Check. Piss bucket? Check. Well then, we’re ready to roll! Click the “more” link and refresh the page every few minutes to get the latest updates from the “Bloodbath in Broomfield” (a.k.a. UFN 13).

Houston Alexander vs. James Irvin (light heavyweights)
Round 1: OH NO! James Irvin nails Houston with a Superman punch right at the bell, and Houston hits the mat! Irvin connects with another shot from the top, and Mazzagatti stops it. Irvin wins by TKO in 8 freakin’ seconds. It is truly a sad day for Nebraska.

With his win, Irvin has tied the record for the quickest knockout in UFC history. The crowd boos him, and Irvin offers to fight Houston Alexander again in the parking lot. Joe Rogan tells him “there’s no need for that.” Alexander claims that the fight was stopped early. “I was still conscious.”

Nate Diaz vs. Kurt Pellegrino (lightweights)
Round 1: Pellegrino takes Diaz to the ground early and takes his back. Diaz tries to get up, but is put back down twice. Pellegrino is controlling well on the ground, and rolls into Diaz’s guard, against the cage. A few hard strikes from the top. Pellegrino traps Diaz’s arm and starts raining down serious damage. Diaz is bleeding heavily from cuts near his eyes. Pellegrino takes Diaz’s back again when Diaz tries to get up. Pellegrino switches to a front choke attempt, but Diaz finally succeeds in getting to his feet. Some dirty boxing against the cage and the round ends. It unquestionably belonged to Pellegrino.

Round 2: Pellegrino takes Diaz down again after some sparring. Diaz works for a kimura, but Pellegrino literally laughs it off. Diaz tries to set up a gogoplata, but is brushed off. Pellegrino takes Diaz’s back, and Diaz flips him. Undeterred, Pellegrino sticks on Diaz’s back, then slams Diaz. But he falls in Diaz’s guard, and Diaz sets up a sick no-hands triangle choke that gets Batman to tap. Submission of the Night?

Diaz is now 4-0 inside the Octagon. Rogan calls the sub “One of the most entertaining triangles we’ve seen all year.” One of? He choked out Pellegrino with his legs while flipping the crowd the double bird! Shit was legendary!

Matt Hamill vs. Tim Boetsch (light heavyweights)
Pre-fight, Tim Boetsch works the pads with Marcus Davis, which bodes well for the Barbarian.
Round 1: Both men exchange some shots standing before Hamill scores the inevitable takedown and falls into half-guard. Hamill nearly gets full mount but Boetsch scrambles away from it. Boestsch works some elbow strikes from the bottom before the fight is stood up by the ref. Boetsch lands some punches and a big high kick, then a leg kick. Boetsch swings for the fences with an uppercut, misses, but lands a knee. Hamill is bleeding from the mouth, and both guys look a little gassed. Huge knee from Boetsch, but Hamill isn’t rocked. Boetsch scores another leg kick as the horn sounds.

Round 2: Boetsch continues to get the better of the standing exchanges. Boetsch tries to take Hamill down, but only succeeds in grabbing his leg. Hamill tees off on Boetsch’s face until he rolls to his back. Hamill gets the full mount and GnP’s until the ref calls it.

And so ends the brief, terrifying reign of Tim Boetsch. Ho man, Al Roker is in the building! And Matt Hamill’s lip is split from his nose to his nuts. But he gets the TKO at 1:25 of the second round. Killer card, so far…

Karo Parisyan vs. Thiago Alves (welterweights)
Round 1: Karo bulls Thiago to the ground at his first opportunity. Karo gets into half-guard then full mount, but Thiago gets to his feet. Karo lands some strikes, including a hard body kick. Thiago doesn’t look very aggressive yet, and Karo is taking advantage. Karo works for a takedown against the cage but doesn’t get it. Thiago lands a big punch and whiffs on a head kick. Thiago gets a couple punches in. Thiago slips and almost gets mobbed on the ground by Karo, but he gets to his feet, and the bell rings. It’s a close one, but I’d give it to Karo for pushing the pace of the fight.

Round 2: Thiago nails Karo Parisyan with a big knee, and Karo goes to the ground. After a couple head punches, Mazzagatti jumps in and stops it! But Karo jumps up and protests the stoppage and we’d have to agree. Fuckin Mazzagatti. Karo’s pissed. Maybe the stoppage was a little early, maybe not. Thoughts? Thiago gives credit to the “heferee.”

Tommy Speer vs. Anthony Johnson (welterweights)
Round 1: Speer shoots, but is brushed off and is nailed with a head kick. Then another. Then a few punches ending with a right hook that knocks him cold. The Farmboy was straight-up demolished. Jesus.

Anthony “Rumble” Johnson scores the knockout in just 51 seconds, and may get the Knockout of the Night bonus for that one. And how are you feeling, Anthony? “Oh, I’m crunk right now, I’m real crunk.”

Frank Edgar vs. Gray Maynard (lightweights)
Round 1: Gray stuffs Frankie’s first takedown. Big punches from Gray, but none land strongly. Some tense striking exchanges, but no significant damage is inflicted on either side. Maynard scores the fight’s first takedown and takes Edgar’s back. Edgar gets up, but Maynard takes him down again. Frankie gets to his feet and the guys throw some fists. Maynard gets in a stiff jab, and the round ends. It’s close, but Gray probably wins it for the takedown and ground control.

Round 2: Maynard works for a takedown against the cage, and gets it. Frankie gets to one knee, and takes a couple of Gray’s knees to the chest. Back on the feet, both guys throw some leather, then Frankie scores a slick hip toss. Maynard quickly gets up. Gray gets a strong takedown and works into side control. The horn sounds; another close round that was probably decided by the late takedown. Come on guys, don’t break the stoppage-streak.

Round 3: Both guys land hard punches. After a takedown attempt from Maynard, they scramble on the ground and both come back to their feet. Gray takes Edgar down against the cage. Edgar gets up and is picked up and slammed by Maynard. And again. Gray takes Frankie’s back but loses the position. Edgar lands a punch combo. Gray bulls Edgar into the cage and then scores the third body-slam of the round. Only a miracle will save Edgar from the judges at this point. Gray puts a knee into Frankie’s ribs, and finishes the round controlling Frankie from the top.

Unsurprisingly, Maynard wins by unanimous decision, 30-27 across the board. I hope this one doesn’t wind up winning the Fight of the Night bonus; as evenly matched as it was, it had more than its share of dull moments.

Kenny Florian vs. Joe Lauzon (lightweights)
The main event is coming up next…get in your final predictions now.
Round 1: Lauzon shoots, but Florian sprawls. Lauzon takes Florian down, and Florian drops some nasty elbows into the top of Florian’s head. Herb Dean stops it and says the elbows were to the back of the head. BS! Back on the feet, Florian takes Lauzon down. J-Lau is bleeding from the top of the head. Lauzon gets up and drags Florian to the ground. Crazy round. Both guys hustling on the ground, and Lauzon scrambles from side control to half guard. Lauzon is looking for a knee-bar. He grabs the heel hook and rolls, but Florian gets out! Florian grabs Joe’s back and drags him to the ground, but Lauzon winds up on top. Lauzon grabs the heel hook again but loses it and Florian ends the round pounding on Lauzon. Amazing freakin’ round.

Round 2: Florian opens with a leg kick and high kick. And a body kick. Florian takes down Lauzon, and gets full mount. He’s slugging, and Lauzon tries to push off with his legs. Lauzon is eating a lot of shots, but he’s still defending himself. More abuse from Florian. Lauzon desperately tries to scramble away, but Florian secures the mount again. Big GnP. Can Lauzon survive it? The abuse is relentless, and Herb is itching to stop it. And he does. Ken Flo wins, by brutal TKO!

Lauzon was dominated in Florian’s mount and couldn’t find a way out. For the last minute of the fight he was basically just covering his face. Florian is the winner, 3:28 into the 2nd round. Florian said he had to fight through some things physically to compete tonight. Florian is giving a looooooong shout out speech.

And that’s it, Potato Nation. Now let me watch the TUF 7 premiere in peace…