(God help the man who tries to get away with a little extra grease on this fight card.)
It’s been a while since we’ve made predictions for a fight that are so incredibly detailed and specific that they can’t possibly be accurate (or can they?), but with UFC Fight Night 17 just a day away it seems like the perfect time to a little prognosticating.
The fighters weighed in this afternoon, so now all that’s left is to find some way of making people forget about Vaseline and Strikeforce for just a couple of hours. Coincidentally, “Forget About Vaseline and Strikeforce” is also the title of my forthcoming tell-all memoir. I think it’s going to do well. I really do.
Joe Lauzon vs. Jeremy Stephens
J-Lau seems like he might be setting himself up for a fall by talking about how quick and easy this fight is going to be. At least, that’s how it would happen if life were like sports movies. It isn’t, though. In real life the Bad News Bears remain a rag-tag group of losing rapscallions all season long and Coach Buttermaker ends the season as a sex offender with ten percent liver function. Sorry, but that’s the reality, people. Lauzon wins this with his superior jiu-jitsu, catching Stephens in a rear naked choke after mounting him and punishing him with a few bony elbows.
When Will It Happen: 3:51 of round 1.
What to Watch For: The post-fight interview, where Lauzon calls out Hermes Franca for his UG comments and picks a much tougher fight for himself in the process.
Cain Velasquez vs. Denis Stojnic
Some people like tremendous underdog/UFC newcomer Stojnic to pull off the upset for stylistic reasons, while others favor him for more nationalistic ones. It doesn’t matter. Velasquez is going to do what Velasquez does, which is crush guys like this. He’ll score a takedown in the first minute, then bounce Stojnic’s head off the mat like a basketball with a brutal series of punches until the referee waves it off and Mike Goldberg drops a sweet, “It is all over!” on us. For his part, Joe Rogan will sum up the performance by saying, “Wow.”
When Will It Happen: 2:02 of round 1
What to Watch For: As Stojnic lies prone on the canvas the camera will zoom in on his open but vacant eyes. If you look closely, you’ll almost be able to see the pleasant dream he’s having about frolicking with a family of talking dolphins. Sadly, this will only make him more disappointed when he wakes up.
Anthony Johnson vs. Luigi Fioravanti
That sound you’ll hear when Fioravanti enters the Octagon will be the collective voice of America saying, ‘Oh yeah, I remember him now.’ That’s just the kind of fighter he is. You forget he even exists until you see him again, and then it’s like he never left. He’ll give “Rumble” Johnson a tough fight here. But late in the second Johnson will begin picking him apart on the feet and scoring takedowns at will. Early in the third he’ll catch Fioravanti with a groan-inducing kick to the ribs. Fioravanti will fall back against the face and Johnson will add the old Bas Rutten three hooks and two knees combo to finish him off. Two of the hooks and at least one and a half of the knees will be unnecessary.
When Will It Happen: 1:22 of round 3
What to Watch For: Johnson’s victory dance, which will be obviously choreographed and rehearsed, not to mention clearly inspired by Kid n’ Play, but undeniably awesome at the same time.
Mac Danzig vs. Josh Neer
Neer is a tough guy, but Danzig is the better fighter. He’s better than Neer in every aspect of the game, and Neer will take it. Ultimately Danzig will be unable to put him away, but neither will he ever be in trouble. He’ll spend most of the fight with his right hand growing out of Neer’s face, but Neer will probably never look more than slightly annoyed at this. Danzig wins the unanimous decision.
When Will It Happen: Are you stupid or something? I just told you. Decision. After three rounds. What is your problem?
What to Watch For: In the Octagon after the fight Mac Danzig will celebrate by eating a delicious Whopper, thanks to his new sponsors at Burger King. When a shocked Joe Rogan asks Danzig to explain this act in light of his long, often cloying position as a very vocal vegan, Danzig will explain that he was just fucking with us all along. That guy.
Enjoy the fights. And don’t forget to come back for the liveblog. We’ll be here. You know, if you feel like dropping by.
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Comments
Fri, 02/06/09 - 03:15
dana white eats dick, pierre lost the first fight with penn. i know this has nothing to do with the article it just needed to be said
Fri, 02/06/09 - 03:23
FIRST!!!!!!!!!!
Fri, 02/06/09 - 03:29
I can't wait to see Rumble, tumble in the 8 sided jungle. I hope Luigi is humble about his inevitable stumble.
Fri, 02/06/09 - 03:32
I hate Mac Danzig, hopes he gets ktfo
Fri, 02/06/09 - 03:35
dana white eats dick? where would the sport be today without dana white?
Fri, 02/06/09 - 03:35
You forgot to predict who gets a shot to the cajones. Anthony Johnson will drill Luigi, striking gold at 2:28 of Round 1.
Fri, 02/06/09 - 03:37
Let's be honest, does anyone really care about this card? I don't, even during ufc 94 they were pushing the sanchez/stevenson fight card and not this one. I'd rather watch a vid the the surgery performed on corey hill's mutated leg, to me that'd be more interesting
Fri, 02/06/09 - 03:37
But will there be any evidence to dispute the theory that "Rumble" Johnson is the 99 cent store version of "Rampage" Jackson, named and placed that way only to confuse the same grandmother who bought me a GameStation We?
Fri, 02/06/09 - 03:42
''Anonymous Says: Fri, 02/06/2009 - 15:15 dana white eats dick, pierre lost the first fight with penn. i know this has nothing to do with the article it just needed to be said.'' wow man, Ive watched the fight so many times and it was a win slightly for GSP. I am a fan of both so it's not just a biased opinion. You obviously just nuthug BJ and probably one of those fruitcakes who were talking so much smack about how amazing BJ was before he got dominated. All you got now is to say he won the first fight to somehow even it up in your own dillusional world? Are you fucking retarded kid or just a fat loser who likes BJ penn because of his lack of work ethic and dedication to mma? Do you look up to people like that in life? Lazy, cocky, pathetic individuals who think they can talk smack to hype up their game? Ha-ha. And I should have said I 'was' a fan of both BJ and GSP not 'am'. Take a look at yourself you worthless peice of shit, then walk up the stairs from your mothers basement, grab a knife and ram it into your fucking neck. Do the world a favor and never post in any mma forum ever again, you're a complete fucking oblivious moron. Scum bags piss me off.
Fri, 02/06/09 - 03:43
is velasquez that good? never really heard of him i know he wupped up on irish but i'm thinking of betting against him. stoljnics close to plus 500 and he trains with overeim and kharitonov
Fri, 02/06/09 - 03:47
@ Kevin smoke a joint dude.................
Fri, 02/06/09 - 03:48
I smoked a 1/4 already today lol. Fuck Im just sick of people crying about BJ penn holy hell, all I ever read on here. wah wah wah. You would think they would shut up after GSP put him away for the 2nd time.
Fri, 02/06/09 - 03:59
haha i've been smokin' since i got outta work, shits supposed to calm u down! but yes, gsp is just too strong and athletic. he smothers bj with his wrestling and just punches him when he can without losing his dominant position. tha
Fri, 02/06/09 - 04:04
@ Kevin I hear you bro. It amazed me when "they" tried to jump all over this greasing thing. Don't let someone that's scared to give his real name blow your high dog. He's still hurting from his big let down last weekend!
Fri, 02/06/09 - 04:04
LOL@bdp! i fucking love my GameStation We.
Fri, 02/06/09 - 04:05
@kevin you = tool...... went a little far with your blog lashing, take it easy brother
Fri, 02/06/09 - 04:15
@aly I'm actually pumped up for saturday nights fight. I think joe will take this one and danzig and anthony are gonna dominate.
Fri, 02/06/09 - 04:26
hey kevin seek therapy, i was just saying i thought penn won. the most aggressive are usually the biggest cowards
Fri, 02/06/09 - 04:34
Did you hang with Bravo and Rogan before writing this article? I'm still LMAO.
Fri, 02/06/09 - 04:38
"Vaseline and Strikeforce" Coincidentally my two nicknames from Junior High School.
Fri, 02/06/09 - 04:57
there's a lot of us around here....
Fri, 02/06/09 - 05:13
Wait wtf, theres a fight tomorrow?
Fri, 02/06/09 - 05:31
@ Tommy Put the joint down dude.
Fri, 02/06/09 - 06:56
Heyyyyyy Luigi brings a the free pizzzzzza!
Fri, 02/06/09 - 07:45
Smoking weed and reading cagepotato consumes 90% of my waking hours.
Fri, 02/06/09 - 08:30
hey kevin i think saint pierre has a weak chin and was afraid to stand with penn in both fights, he also avoided it in his second fight with serra. man i bet that made you shit your pants and go blind
Fri, 02/06/09 - 10:13
smoked a quarter already...damn, if you smoke good weed you dont have to smoke that much. out here in cali im only vapin o-g kush
Fri, 02/06/09 - 11:41
there seems to be a strong relationship between mma and pot...
Sat, 02/07/09 - 12:53
@ half-baked or blogging MMA and pot?
Sat, 02/07/09 - 02:36
Joe Lauzon could flap his big ears and fly away. I can't believe this fuck put out a video blog what poor souls watched that bullshit!
Sat, 02/07/09 - 02:49
Also I have zero interest in seeing a event where the fucking headliner is Joe Lauzon. SERIOUSLY Joe Lauzon is the fucking main event? I'd rather see Ken Shamrock fight some big fat fuck than see Joe Lauzon/Lil Heathen.
Sat, 02/07/09 - 02:53
Dude this guy that posted above this is a fucking tard....If you're such a fuckin fan of mma, go watch Tito V.s. Fucking Chuck or something from 2006.....SERIOUSLY.....you'll take the time to bitch and moan on the internet about a card and then not watch it? Get a life you fuckin dipshit....you make me wanna puke....a good match is a good match whether it's a huge PPV draw or not.....stop commenting until you have something intelligent to say
Sat, 02/07/09 - 03:14
@ Calli212 If you want to blow Joe Lauzon and the other TUF cast then be my guest but me and a lot of other smart MMA fans aren't going to be suckered into watching some bullshit main event fights with guys who just started shaving last week. If you feel they need to puke it's probably because you have allowed Dana White and the members of TUF use your mouth as a ball washer! Now go fuck yourself!
Sat, 02/07/09 - 03:31
Anonymous: Anyone that says they love fighting will watch every fight they can get their hands on, not just the multi-million dollar Marque name fights at the live events. Every now and then I'll still break out the old ufc dvd's and vhs's dating back to four and five just for kicks (no pun intended.) If you're just interested in the above mentioned multi million dollar fights, you're not a true fan. You're what people refer to as a "poser" or "tourist," in it only to see what the big deal of the moment is. I am honestly at a loss to think of how to end this, so I'll just leave it at that. Smoke a joint and have a nice day.
Sat, 02/07/09 - 03:49
@Manic Get off your soapbox asshole. Did you feel like an enlightened MMA aficionado after your comment calling someone a tourist because they give less than a shit about Joe Lauzon. Go get fucked buddy you probably just started watching MMA after Brock Lesnar got in it!
Sat, 02/07/09 - 05:42
Anonymous- No one cares about what you don't want to watch. It is a free show, and we're better off without you watching. Go away. I think Fiorvanti v Johnson is a good matchup. I wonder how many times we'll hear the Goldie say "athletic" and "explosive" when Johnson is on the screen?
Sat, 02/07/09 - 06:41
I doubt it will be all decisions like the last ppv. Should have some KO's in there and it will be fun to watch. I just hope Neer somehow pulls the upset of Vegan boy. BTW, i love the name fedor a million ankles.
Sat, 02/07/09 - 12:01
Anonymous people are douchebags. I know it has nothing to do with the topic...it just had to be said :)
Sat, 02/07/09 - 12:30
Luigi Fioravanti is fighting, Mario Yamasaki is ref, Joe Rogan eats a giant mushroom, and rampage drives his truck into a wall. It's MMArio Kart!
Sat, 02/07/09 - 12:35
i probably wouldnt watch this one, but i got tickets and ufc is finally in tampa so im psyched now. I wonder why, after replacing hermes with stephens on the poster, they took velasquez off of there.
Sat, 02/07/09 - 12:45
I was too busy poppin' ludes and smokin' hash to remember that this card exists. I'd rather just watch Caddyshack.
Sat, 02/07/09 - 02:10
I'm glas "Whiteghost" is speaking for everyone. "WE'RE better off without you watching" "Go away. We're better off who the fuck are you speaking for other than yourself you sack of shit. You Go away and beat the shit out of yourself.
Sat, 02/07/09 - 02:20
meathead MMA fans are the worst... how can you complain about a FREE event? this card is no worse than Franklin vs Henderson; in fact, the matches tonight are better than the bullshit British cards. if you don't like it, don't watch. simple as that.
Sat, 02/07/09 - 04:04
I won't watch "tusker". This card sucks! Cain Velasquez is the only guy worth seeing. I'd rather shit my pants then sit through another Mac Danzig fight and all the criticism of Joe Lauzon I've read I agree with the guy has been on a fight night main event twice. WHY! Are you fucking retarded to think he's a main event fighter. GTFO! People who defend this bullshit card are the same assholes who think Ken Shamrock and Tank Abbott should retire. Dumb asses. I'd watch a Ken Shamrock, Tank Abbott or Tito Ortiz fight over a Joe Lauzon or Mac Danzig snooze fest everyday of the week! After you finish jerking off over this TUF card go apply for a position as Dana White's personal ass wiper for when he takes a shit because you jack asses are the reason cards like this are put together in the first place he knows you fucks will watch anything they put on TV as long as the UFC smears their logo feces all over it!
Sat, 02/07/09 - 07:43
^ Give it up man. Your girlfriend is with me now. It's time to let go and move on. Your parents are worried about you.
Sat, 02/07/09 - 08:01
I can't believe you lame ass mother fuckers were defending this fight night card. Even I know I'm not a Main Event draw you sorry sacks of shit!
Sat, 02/07/09 - 11:07
your name is ufc fan and you have a problem with anonymous commenters, my name is "has sex with ufcfans mom"
Sun, 02/08/09 - 12:08
I started martial arts when I was ten. Studied five or six different ones, including mma. Mma study was for four years. Kickboxing/ muay thai for six, including the four that were mma. I've put in my time and seriously studied fighting. I watch everything I can get my hands on, not just ufc. Ifl, affliction, elite xc, small local shows. I'm not on a soapbox, either. It drives me up the wall when people talk sh*t and overanalyze fights, instead of just sitting back and saying, "these are some awesome fights." Maybe if you knew what the fighters actually went through just to get to fight night, you'd show a little respect. I'll be a man and admit I was wrong for calling you a poser or tourist and telling you to go smoke one. But stuff like that does get under my skin.
Sun, 02/08/09 - 11:09
hahahah you phony fuck
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