Alright Nation, we are on the brink of what is possibly the most important event in human history since ever. We stress the word “possibly” in that sentence, so no silly hate mail about Steve Guttenberg inventing the bench press, or whatever. And please, don’t talk to us about the historic impact of the so-called “moon landing”. Everyone knows that the whole Apollo mission was filmed on a sound stage in Arizona.
This historic event will be broadcast live on a major network to a bajillion people, so it’s not even really a contest. Two large men will fight for money and everyone and their Nana can watch; if Jesus shows up tonight in a tuxedo t-shirt we wouldn’t be surprised in the slightest. It’s such a huge deal that the UFC is basically giving Fox just the tip to see how it feels, airing just one fight off of a pretty sweet ten-fight lineup.
Come around and hang out with us for all the fights, because you know we’re going to have you covered, Nation. Fights start at 4:45ET on Facebook and FoxSports.com, the big-deal television show kicks off at 9ET.
Oh, and hit “Refresh” frequently, since everyone seems to tell people to do that.
Matt “Luke Duke” Lucas vs Aaron Rosa
First round is tentative, with Lucas scoring a easy takedown early. Rosa stands up quickly, and the two spend a couple of minutes clinching. Rosa defends and stays busy with short elbows and punches. Lucas looks slow and tired almost immediately, and spits out his mouthpiece three minutes into the first. With thirty seconds left in the round, Rosa starts putting knees into the mix. No damage, but he’ll take the round.
Second and third rounds look virtually identical, right down to Lucas having issues with his mouthpiece. Rogan has an opinion about that nonsense. Matt Lucas drops his mouthpiece four times during the fight, and referee Big John McCarthy docks him a point in the second. Lucas scores a few takedowns, but he can’t do anything to follow up. Rosa is calm and professional, working offense as Lucas crowds him with knees and elbows, and he takes all three rounds with ease.
The judges have it 28-28, 30-26, and 30-26, giving Aaron Rosa a majority decision over Matt Lucas (whom you’ll not see in the Octagon again any time soon), and there’s a judge who may have a glue-sniffing habit. What the blue hell just happened?
Paul Bradley vs Mike Pierce
These guys have fought once already in the minors, Pierce scored the unanimous decision.
Good action and much more closely contested fight between these two. Pierce appears to get the better of the striking exchanges, and Bradley seems to be more solid in the takedown contests, stuffing Pierce’s attempts and capitalizing on his own. Pierce seems fresher and scores the more visible damage through three rounds.
The judges call it 29-28 Bradley, 30-27 Pierce, and 29-28 Pierce, giving Mike Pierce the split decision win over Paul Bradley in the rematch. It was a close fight, so we can understand how none of the three judges see the fight the same way, but is this a bad sign of things to come?
Alex “Bruce Leroy” Caceres vs Cole “The Apache Kid” Escovedo
Alex Caceres puts on a striking exhibition in the first round, so he’s definitely getting closer to the final level. Caceres weaves around the vast majority of Escovedo’s offense, while landing front kicks, spinning back fists, and a dope switch kick combo. Escovedo catches a kick close to his man parts with fifteen seconds left in the round, and charges in and lands a high kick, knocking Bruce Leroy off-balance, but the round ends in a flurry before he can mount a comeback. The second round is more of the same, with the Apache Kid looking like he’s in slow motion against the fast and flashy technique of Caceres, who has improved incredibly since last we saw him.
In the third, Caceres even manages a very fun submission chain against the grappling specialist, throwing a triangle-kimura-armbar-omaplata combo that speaks volumes about his progress as a competitor. Escovedo puts in some groundwork, attacking with a submission series of his own, but Bruce Leroy works out of trouble handily. Very, very impressive fight for the twenty three year old. Taimak would be proud.
The judges finally manage to find a consensus, and score the fight 30-27 x3 for Alex Caceres in a unanimous decision win over Cole Escovedo. Expect to see him on the main card next time.
Robbie “Problems” Paralta vs Mackens “Da Menace” Semerzier
Note: Mac Semerzier is coming off a first round RNC victory over Bruce Leroy in March. That kid has developed a ton in six months.
Uh oh. Controversy in the third fight. While it appears that Robbie Paralta lays Semerzier the fuck out in an exchange in the third round, replay shows it’s a clash of heads that rocks him and sends him to his back. Paralta swarms on Semerzier, who hangs on to a single leg and tries to clear the cobwebs. Big John calls it, a TKO victory for Robbie Paralta over Mackens Semerzier at 1:54 into the third, who tries to stand up and protest, but he’s clearly unfit to continue. It’s a shame, since it was a fun fight and we saw it even through the first two rounds.
Norifumi “Kid” Yamamoto vs Darren “BC” Uyenoyama
Crazy back in forth action here. First round is all Yamamoto for four minutes on the feet, but Uyenoyama gets it to the ground with less than a minute left in the first. BC works to back mount and a rear naked choke swiftly, and Yamamoto is within seconds of losing consciousness when the round ends. Rogan even thinks he’s out. In the second, Kid blasts Uyenoyama in the face with a nasty left, bloodying his opponent, but suffers a takedown as a result. Yamamoto survives through almost a full round with the submission machine, fending off a serious RNC setup while catching a ton of fists to the torso. Uyenoyama points to the camera in mid-beating. The fight goes the distance, and Uyenoyama puts on a good performance with an aggressive ground game. The judges agree: 30-27 x2 and 20-26 for Darren Uyenoyama over Kid Yamamoto in a unanimous decision victory. Now, #I’mNotNamingNames, but one of these judges has opinions and he doesn’t give a mad fuck what you think.
Hey, what happened to “We’re bringing Brittney back“? Damn you Dana for playing with my emotions!
Clay “Heavy Metal” Harvison vs DeMarques “Darkness” Johnson
Darkness turns out the lights on Heavy Metal with the quickness, landing a left shovel hook and pounding out Harvison for the stoppage. Johnson had time to celebrate the knock down and give ref Herb Dean a chance to stop it, but Herb is all “Dude, whatevs, LOL, kill him” so Darkness throws a few more to convince him. DeMarques Johnson defeats Clay Harvison via TKO (ref’s stoppage due to strikes) at 1:34 of the first round.
Ricardo “The Bully” Lamas vs Kevin Luke “Cub” Swanson
Swanson has a great record in the WEC, but let’s all be honest, we all remember him on the wrong end of a highlight finish vs Jose Aldo. Injury trouble has kept him out of the UFC until tonight. Big John in again on this one.
Swanson turns in his usual hyper-speed performance, and attacks Lamas’ neck hard in the first. Lamas survives a deep guillotine and showboats a bit when Swanson drops it. Lamas fires off a capoeira handspring kick, and Swanson shakes his finger and admonishes Lamas mid-fight for plagiary and swagger jackering. Swanson comes out hard in the second on the feet, and Lamas answers in kind before ducking under for a takedown and scramble. Swanson threatens with an omaplata, misses it, and looks to go back to the feet. Lamas tries for a back mount, and captures Swanson’s head and arm when he tries to spin free. It’s an arm triangle that goes from nasty to lethal as Swanson sunfishes to escape, and Cub is forced to tap. Ricardo Lamas defeats Cub Swanson via submission (arm triangle) at 2:26 of round two.
Really? A dubstep version of “Hotel California”?
“Diamond” Dustin Poirier vs Pablo “The Scarecrow” Garza
True story: CP Nationer Stak40 was talking about how no one can pull off flying submissions anymore, because BJJ isn’t mysterious in modern MMA. Then Pablo Garza did his impression of forced oral copulation (as performed by an octopus) against Yves Jabouin, and Stak changed the subject. True story.
Larry Landless and his Nasty Boyz platinum mohawk are in to ref for this one. (Props to Iskander Neptu.)
Another fun one here: after threatening with a leg lock option in the first round, Garza gets caught by Poirier with a beautiful D’Arce choke in the second. Dustin Poirier defeats Pablo Garza via submission (D’Arce choke) at 1:32 of the second round.
There’s somewhere between three and six hundred UFC-related shows on television right now, and not one of them are showing these fights. I don’t want to live in this world anymore.
Clay “The Carpenter” Guida vs Ben “Smooth” Henderson
Note: Clay Guida is the current WEC Lightweight Champion. Deal with it.
Herb Dean in for this one, which should have been on TV dammit.
Round 1: Clay Guida tries to walk down Henderson right off the bat, and gets caught with a punch off balance and falls forward. Guida pops to his feet and the two exchange 89 blows in three seconds, and Guida drops again. Not hurt badly, Guida’s stance and movement tend top leave him susceptible to knockdowns. They clinch against the cage, and Henderson works a few knees. With a minute left on the clock, Guida catches Bendo with a lunging hook that unhinges Henderson’s legs, and tries to finish off with a guillotine, but Henderson works free and back to the feet. Bendo fires off a few kicks before the buzzer.
Round 2: More clinch work to open the round, with both guys getting their licks in with knees to the body and exchanging fruitless takedowns. Guida narrowly misses a spinning backfist, but suffers a takedown, then fishes for a guillotine. He locks his hands and tries to jump guard, but Henderson blocks his legs. Henderson is no stranger to near submissions and escapes quickly, and takes Guida’s back on the way out. The buzzer sends the fighters to the towels.
Round 3: Guida comes out again with that popcorning boxing style, trying to confuse his opponent. He shoots for a takedown, but Henderson, as he as been able to do for much of the fight, defends it. They clinch against the cage again, and then break and flurry. Henderson shoots the fight down to the canvas again. Guida scrambles, but Henderson secures the back mount and locks a body triangle … disregard that they’re scrambling again. Guida looks for the guilotine again, which leads to back to the scramble, and Bendo comes out over Guida and raining down bombs but the buzzer ends the fight. Damn. These two should keep going for at least two more rounds.
Note to the CP bosses: liveblogging these guys is HARD.
Ok, let’s see what Fox has in store for a UFC show.
* Isn’t that NFL music?
* Brock is asked to analyze Cain Velasquez, which starts out ok, but then they show footage from his asswhooping from Velasquez, at which point Brock asks, “Do we have to watch this?” It’s funny, and as a TV moment, it works.
*Cue the Dos Santos hard-luck upbringing tale.
*Fox is treating this like viewers know nothing about MMA or the fighters. Good move, and yeah, the vibe is very much different than the usual UFC-helmed broadcast.
*Cue the Velasquez hard-luck upbringing tale.
*Pretty sure Rogan shaved for this. He and Glodie both seem to be trying really hard to not fuck up. Or say “fuck” on television, for that matter.
*There will be no “virtually identical” on Fox.
*Uh oh, was the “TapouT Kids” commerical a wise choice?
*Big pop for Cain Velasquez coming in, just like the weigh-ins.
*WE ARE LIVE.
Junior “Cigano” Dos Santos vs Cain Velasquez
Big John McCarthy is the referee, and Bruce Buffer is working it.
Round 1: They come out with probing strikes: Velasquez with a leg kick, Dos Santos tosses out a jab. They exhange again, nothing lands with consequence, and Cain catches a kick and tries to turn it, misses. He snorts and resets.
They exchange jabs, and Velasquez throws the leg kick again. Dos Santos fires off a combo, Cain covers up. Dos Santos hurls a single overhead right and OH SHIT catches the champ behind the ear, sending him to the ground CAIN IS DOWN Dos Santos follows up with some standing hooks and Big John calls it OH THE HUMANITY that was less than one full round and Junior Dos Santos is the new UFC champ.
Dos Santos just beat up on Brown Pride like a Texas judge, which is a joke that works two totally different ways. Again, don’t send me hate mail, i’m illiterate.
Junior Dos Santos defeats Cain Velasquez via Knockout at 1:04 into Round 1.
Dos Santos has POWER in those hands. It messes up your eekulibium, bro. Can’t help but point out commenter Kayo musing six hours ago if “Analise” was foreshadowing of the evening’s events. I’m sorry, did i just blow your mind?
I can’t help but think that anyone who hadn’t watched the undercard fights would probably feel rather cheated by that one fight, but maybe that’s just me. All in all a good night of fights. Leave your comments below, you bastards, and thanks to everyone who hung out with us tonight.