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UFC on FUEL 3 Aftermath: When There is No More Room in Hell…The Dead Will Walk the Earth

(Stay away from the light, Dustin! Stay away from the light!) 

Ladies and gentlemen of the Potato Nation, the end times are upon us. Last night, a quiet, unassuming man named Chan Sung Jung escaped from a remote Korean testing facility and wound up in Fairfax, Virginia. Needing to fulfill certain diversity requirements that had long eluded them, the people of Fairfax embraced and accepted him with open arms, completely unaware that he was in fact patient zero of a zombie-like virus that would spell the untimely demise of the human race. Those ignoramuses.

Before they even knew what had hit them, reports of strange occurrences were popping up from county to county, then state to state. Having caught the latter half of the movie Outbreak on TBS just a few weeks prior, the people of Fairfax knew that they had to capture the source of the disease if they were ever to restore order to the chaos they had created. So they sent forth their bravest virologist, a man by the name of Dustin Poirier, to subdue the host and bring him back for testing. Early reports claimed that “The Diamond” would have little to no trouble accomplishing this feat, as he had successfully extinguished every threat placed before him since joining the Zuffa corporation.

How wrong they were.

For nearly twenty minutes, the two engaged in an all out war of attrition, one that would determine the very fate of mankind. He put up a hell of a fight, but as much as it saddens us to say this, we are officially doomed. Poirier was infected by “The Korean Zombie (virus),” and chances are that you will be soon as well. Early symptoms include raucous use of the phrase, “HOLY SHIT BRO”, an ability to absorb a tremendous amount of punishment, $80,000 cash, drowsiness, and cramps.

If you happened to be watching last night’s UFC on FUEL event from a pirated stream or some other medium (because who the hell actually has FUEL), you more than likely experienced many of these symptoms before the main event even began. The same could be said for many of the fighters involved. Just ask Jason “The Mathlete” *snicker* MacDonald, who was so sick with the virus that he slipped into a hallucinogenic state just moments before his fight with Tom Lawlor. Within the opening minute of the very first round, he became so delusional that he mistook the UFC canvas for a Serta mattress and dove headfirst onto it, promptly knocking himself unconscious. When he awoke, his fever had broken, and he could only chuckle at the silly mistake he had made. Lawlor, on the other hand, managed to take home a $40,000 Knockout of the Night award for helping guide this sickly individual to his momentary resting place, living up to the humanitarian reputation he has earned in the UFC.

Signs of the disease were present in Jeremy Stephens and Jeff Hougland in their respective bouts with Donald Cerrone and Yves Jabouin as well. In typical zombie fashion, both men were lit up like the fourth of fucking July for fifteen long minutes, yet could not be put away by their still human counterparts. A tip of the hat is due to their undead corpses. Jabouin opted for a variety of spinning attacks that would make Dennis Siver blush to try and finish the job on Hougland, who only made it out of the fight alive (sort of), thanks to an incredible heart and the, let’s call it timidness, of referee Todd McGovern. Cerrone utilized his reach advantage and a more diverse striking attack to give Stephens fits throughout their fight, putting him in trouble on more than one occasion and slice-n-dicing the ever loving shit out of his face for good measure. When asked to describe his performance afterward, “Lil’ Heathen” proceeded to take a bite out of Jon Anik’s neck and sprint off into the night before he could be put down.

But the virus’ lethargy-induced side effects truly took hold of the audience during the evening’s co-main event, which pitted TUF 7 winner Amir Sadollah against Wanderlei Silva student Jorge Lopez. Although Amir has never been one to get into a barn-burning brawl, even his precision-based offense was a welcome change when having to deal with Lopez’s relentlessly boring “wall-n-stall” takedown attempts. The members of the audience who had not been lulled into a coma…scratch that, every single member of the audience had in fact been lulled into a coma, only to come back as flesh-eating mongoloids hell bent on raping and pillaging anything within arm’s reach. In other words, West Virginians.

Lock your doors. Board up your windows. Put the children to bed and start stockpiling canned foods, because The Korean Zombie virus is coming to your town, probably within the hour. It is relentless, deceivingly strong, and somehow inspiring at the same time, and the only man who can bring an end to this madness is trapped in Canada somewhere.

God save us.

-J. Jones

Cagepotato Comments

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linzhance- May 18, 2012 at 9:46 am
Elias- May 16, 2012 at 5:00 pm
MTropolis, no thanks slugger. But its enough to do it for a living. El Guapo, it is a sinanym. also, a cinnamon.
The12ozCurls- May 16, 2012 at 8:48 pm
I dated a stripper named Cinnamon but I think her real name was Dakota or was it Bambi? Shit I don't remember but her lady parts looked like an Arby's sandwich. Sadly, she overdosed on crystal meth while giving a $10 lap dance at the Fuzzy Squirrel gentlemans club in Barstow.
El Guapo- May 16, 2012 at 3:29 pm
Is Elias a sinanym four Danga?
MoTropolis- May 16, 2012 at 2:27 pm
Define "Paid Well".
DangadaDang- May 16, 2012 at 2:57 pm
A 50% off Sam's Club card, two packs of Virginia Slims, and all the Nutri-Grain bars I can eat. PER WEEK.
RSparrow- May 16, 2012 at 2:26 pm
RSparrow- May 16, 2012 at 2:25 pm
I don't know about you guys, I was entertained throughout the entire article.
MoTropolis- May 16, 2012 at 2:26 pm
So was I, but I was masturbating at the time.
bitteralex- May 16, 2012 at 1:35 pm
"quite" is an impressive word? that’s setting the bar pretty low… and there’s synonym for flagellation?!? dammit.. i did spell masturbation wrong… that’s like spelling walk wrong…
Kimbo Lesnar- May 16, 2012 at 1:19 pm
Danga, can you please start putting your name at the front of your articles so I can skip them altogether instead of reading 1/3 of the way through and realizing "This has to be another one of Danga's steaming piles of crap".
ken-sho22- May 16, 2012 at 12:56 pm
I think I'd rather read a Middleeasy article than read this shit
Elias- May 16, 2012 at 12:46 pm
It is so cute when people who leave comments on the internet treat their comment-writing as an audition to become a writer themselves, as if anyone would ever be impressed. We've got people giving writing advice, we've got others breaking out their thesaurus to use what they think are impressive words like "quite" and "flagellation" but are still unable to spell jerking off correctly in their insult.

Thanks for the advice, guys, but I'm sure Jared will stick to caring what his editor, who pays him a lot of money to write every day, thinks. Oh, that's right - he gets paid for his words. Paid well. There's a reason for that. How fruitful is your commenting proving?
El Guapo- May 16, 2012 at 3:26 pm
And Jared is whooo nowww?
bitteralex- May 16, 2012 at 2:57 pm
ahhh... that's what happened to my post... you know this isn't the first time someone has questioned my level of English comprehension... and i'm sure it won't be the last... but i don't really get it... when i'm insulting people can i only post comments like "fuk u stupid u writ stupid fuk... go kill urself dick cunt bitch"? Or should it go, "Your style of writing insults me sir, would you be so kind as to have sexual intercourse with yourself."
Ergo.. concordantly... vis a vis... I KNOW BIG WORDS
Spiroach- May 16, 2012 at 2:10 pm
Yo dawg I heard you like long-winded pretentious comments so I posted a long-winded pretentious comment about yo long-winded pretentious comment!
bitteralex- May 16, 2012 at 1:34 pm
"quite" is an impressive word? that's setting the bar pretty low... and there's synonym for flagellation?!? dammit.. i did spell masturbation wrong... that's like spelling walk wrong...
RwilsonR- May 16, 2012 at 2:19 pm
It is so cute when menstruating writers start a bitchy defense of their colleagues with "it is so cute" to try to emasculate the commenters who have have managed to really get their blood flowing.
k-onda- May 16, 2012 at 12:29 pm
I woulda gone with, "Mmmmmm, Brains."
bitteralex- May 16, 2012 at 12:28 pm
ill give u credit danga... you take our bashing pretty well
DangadaDang- May 16, 2012 at 12:16 pm
Alright guys, new idea. Whoever can come up with the best comment bashing this article gets a free shirt.
RwilsonR- May 16, 2012 at 2:23 pm
Good show, Danga. You've got heart. You take the blows and keep coming back for more with a good attitude. You're like the Tiuana Rogers of MMA blog writers.
The12ozCurls- May 16, 2012 at 1:19 pm
I actually enjoyed the post but when someone says "free" -- I am in. So here you go.
I read this article at work and it was so fucking bad that I literally dropped my pants and wiped my ass with the monitor right there in my cubicle.
bitteralex- May 16, 2012 at 12:08 pm
You know.. I used to visit cp quite often.. it used to be one of my favorite sites... my how times have changed...
I stopped reading this article about half way through..
despite my propensity for self-flagellation and choking myself during masterbation, I realized that I don't hate myself enough to actually finish the article...
so for that I thank you cp... your absolutely atrocious writing has helped me...
Spiroach- May 16, 2012 at 12:05 pm
See guys... it's funny because it's his nickname... *waits for raucious laughter*
RwilsonR- May 16, 2012 at 11:44 am
Writing articles is a tough thing, I guess. Sometimes you have hits, and other times you have misses... and more misses, and more misses, and more misses...
intercept440- May 16, 2012 at 11:35 am
what a colossal fucking trainwreck this site has become....
El Guapo- May 16, 2012 at 11:13 am
I like your story, Jonesy. HOWEVER, I would like to add a line, specifically how the Korean Zombie infected my Marlins-under Yankees game-Pacers-Spurs-Poirier parlay. WHICH, I must point out, would not have included the last wager if not for Fuckin Danga's Gambling Enabler. Fuckin Danga..
El Guapo- May 16, 2012 at 11:55 am
Please note I didn't say "Fuck You Danga"
The12ozCurls- May 16, 2012 at 10:49 am
When creating a stockpile of canned food - stick with Beef'A'Roni and Spotted Dick.
Jaycorr- May 16, 2012 at 10:05 am
Horrible article

I 100% agree with Motropolis on this one!!
MoTropolis- May 16, 2012 at 9:56 am
Just sum up the fights. If you want to write sci fi, start a nerd blog somewhere, cause this shit is unreadable.
joe sons balls- May 16, 2012 at 10:05 am
Fried Taco- May 16, 2012 at 9:45 am
The zombie thing has jumped the shark.
DangadaDang- May 16, 2012 at 10:14 am
It actually took a chunk out of its throat.
Fried Taco- May 16, 2012 at 11:46 am
That video actually looks like a clip from last night's fight, except under water.
The12ozCurls- May 16, 2012 at 11:50 am
I actually found the video a little erotic. Like Snuff films and Charles in Charge reruns.