(I don’t see any braids, homeboy.)
Tonight, the UFC makes its ever glorious return to FX, and if the undercard is any indication, we are in for a night of action packed goodness, Potato Nation. Clay Guida and Gray Maynard will battle for a spot amongst the endless string of lightweight contenders, and Spencer Fisher will be battling for his dignity against Sam Stout. Our very own Jared Jones will be liveblogging everything as it goes down, so join him as he recaps all the action as it plays out, won’t you?
Ross Pearson vs. Cub Swanson
Before we get started, I would just like to say that I told you so concerning Hatsu Hioki. Nah Nah Nah boo boo, stick your head in doo doo.
Round 1: And we are underway. Pearson with a left hook. Cub is trying to get in and out. Pearson throws a knee that’s off the mark. Leg kick misses for Swanson. Pearson with a nice takedown, but Swanson gets to his feet quickly. Very nice. Swanson lands a right that sends Pearson spinning, then throws a beautiful elbow. Don’t you fuck my Parlay already, you British bastard. Swanson with an uppercut that partially lands. Swanson nails Pearson with a capoeria style kick as he falls to the mat, then throws a couple upkicks. Pearson wades right through them and lands a couple punches of his own, and Swanson gets back to his feet. A couple nice combinations, but mostly feints from both men. Swanson lands a nice straight right and the round is over.
Round 2: They trade leg kicks to start the round. Pearson with a nice pair of jabs. Swanson lands a nice right, and then a spinning punch (?). Hell of an exchange; I’m having trouble keeping up. Anyway, Person lands a takedown, but Swanson gets up as Pearson goes for his back. Right hand Swanson. Pearson looks cut. Nice left by Pearson. Both these guys are displaying some great chins. Swanson throws a kick that Pearson catches and turns into a takedown. Swanson lands another nice upkick before Pearson moves into his guard, postures, and lands some nice GnP. Nice inside elbows from pearson, followed by a couple almost-as-nice body shots. Swanson to his feet, and Pearson lands a nice left…and SWANSON LANDS A LEFT HOOK THAT KNOCKS PEARSON DOWN!!! Motherfuckersonofabitch!!! Pearson was battered, and definitely seemed to be dazed, but was going for a takedown when Yves dove in. Either way, nice win for Swanson. Florian compares his athleticism to Jose Aldo. I’m laughing so hard that I nearly pee’d, yet somehow crying that my parlay is already fucked at the same time.
Cub Swanson def. Ross Pearson via TKO at 4:14 of round 2
Enough with the FOX football music. ENOUGH!!
Brian Ebersole vs. TJ Waldburger
The tale of the tape informs us that Waldburger has age on his side, but Ebersole has number of chest hair shaped arrows on his. You tell me which counts more.
Round 1: TJ lands a left hook, then a nice straight left that drops Ebersole! TJ in half guard, working for mount. He’s got it; not good for Ebersole. Ebersole is trying to push off, but Waldburger locks in a tight D’arce in the scramble! WOW. Ebersole is turning purple, but gets out and to his feet. Amazing escape. Nice body shot by Ebersole. Leg kick Waldburger, and they clinch. Nice elbow on the break by Ebersole. Body kick TJ. Both men land in an exchange, then a nice right by Waldurger. Ebersole answers with a left. Ebersole tries for a takedown but is firmly denied. Good round, but I’d give it to Waldburger easily.
Round 2: TJ starts with a left, then grabs a double and gets Ebersole down. TJ goes for the back but Ebersole spins him around and gets his own. Ebersole going for an omaplata, but Ebersole pulls out and lands a nice right, then a couple elbows. Now Waldburger goes for an armbar. Man, this kid is really something to behold off his back. Very similar to Tim Credeur in his constant attack/transitions. Ebersole escapes again and tries to land some punches, but TJ throws up a triangle now. Ebersole backs off and gets into full guard. Waldburger throws up another armbar attempt. Waldburger locks up a triangle after Ebersole lands a couple punches. Now Waldburger switches for a reverse triangle, but Ebersole breaks free and lands some nice strikes. Ebersole ends the round with some powerful punches from the top.
Round 3: Waldburger catches Ebersole coming in with a left hook, and Ebersole goes for the Muay Thai clinch and nails him with an elbow. Ebersole tries his patented cartwheel kick, but it is miles from the mark. TJ looks tired, and Ebersole goes in for a single. He gets it easy. Yep, Waldburger is definitely tired. TJ throws up another triangle, but it’s a little loose. He’s gotta shift position, but Ebersole breaks out and takes his back for a second. Back to full guard with a minute left. Walburger looking for a sweep, but Ebersole is looking real smooth on top. Ebersole lands a few hammerfists and a big left as the round ends. Ebersole really turned it around those last two rounds; I’d probably give it to him.
Brian Ebersole wins by UD (29-28×3)
Spencer Fisher vs. Sam Stout
I have some high expectations for this one, Potato Nation, as I’m sure you do.
Round 1: Nice left by Fisher to start. Body shot Stout. The combinations are quick on both ends, go figure. Nice right by Stout, but Fisher smiles and hits him a little low. Leg kick checked by Fisher. Nice right by Fisher, but Stout lands a counter left. Another nice left by Fisher, who is looking real sharp right now. Left hand Stout, but Fisher lands a right hook. Leg kick Stout, who lands a takedown and moves into guard. Stout tries to land some elbows, but they are blocked by Fisher. They get to their feet, and Stout immediately grabs a takedown. Spencer gets to his feet quickly this time. Both men land inside leg kicks, and Fisher lands a spinning backfist to end the round.
Round 2: Stout starts with an inside leg kick. Nice combo by Stout, answered by Fisher. Stout goes for a double, but gets denied. A good straight left by Fisher. Fisher lands another left as Stout goes for a body kick. Hard right hook by Stout, then a body shot. Right hand Fisher. Nice left hook from Stout, who’s going for the same right hook to the body, left up high that he KO’d Yves Edwards with. Stout lands a low blow that halts the action temporarily. After the break, Stout lands a takedown, and finishes the round in Fisher’s guard, likely taking the round.
Round 9 (you know what I mean): Fisher’s corner is calling for the knockout, and he lands a spinning elbow and a left. Fisher presses Stout to the cage, and Stout misses an inside trip. Nice overhand right from Fisher that lands. Stout has a decent sized mouse under his right eye, and Fisher is landing on it over and over again. Nice right by Stout, who follows shortly thereafter with a body and leg kick back to back. Another body kick by Stout, but Fisher answers with a right. Straight left by Fisher. Stout rushes in on a double and gets it. Fisher trying to wall walk, and manages to get to his feet. Left hook Stout, who rushes in for another takedown,which he grabs after a little resistance. Stout into half guard. Wow, quick stand up by Kevin Mulhall. Fisher with a nice right, and both men are swinging for the fences. Fisher gets cut as the bell rings.
And takedowns win the day again.
Sam Stout by Unanimous decision in a hell of a fight.
As with Josh Thompson and Gilbert Melendez, I could watch these two fight at every UFC event until the end of time.
And it’s main event time…
Gray Maynard vs. Clay Guida
Guida comes out to “Walk” by Pantera. I now want Guida to win times a million bajillion. Maynard comes out to some autotuned Rap affair, which only confirms my decision. Dammit Buffer, please don’t remind us that we’re in New Jersey. Guida’s hair looks…odd. His staredown, on the other hand, is shit-your-pants intense. Interesting that KenFlo is commentating, being that he’s fought both men.
Round 1: Crowd chanting Guida immediately. Maynard lands a stiff left, then wings a right by Guida. Guida somehow has already cut Maynard on his nose. Lead left hand Maynard. Guida is moving like a coked up Cirque du Soleil performer, but isn’t throwing a lot. Maynard is just a bit short on most of his punches, and can’t seem to get Guida’s rhythm down, go figure. Guida lands a 1-2, but Maynard counters. Maynard goes low, and Guida follows with a body kick. The two juke it out to end the round.
Round 2: Guida pokes Maynard in the eyes at the start of the round, but action restarts quickly. Guida is all over the fucking place, and Maynard seems a bit puzzled. Nice right by Guida, then another looping overhand. Maynard needs to start pressing the action and throwing some multi-punch combos or go for a takedown. Mike Pyle agrees with this notion, and considering he just dicknailed Josh Neer, Maynard should follow his advice. Head kick from Guida that is partially blocked. Maynard whiffs a big right, and the crowd is sporadically booing. Head kick lands by Guida, but Maynard isn’t fazed. Maynard lands a couple nice punches to end the round but the crowd is really emphasizing their disappointment.
Round 3: Crowd is booing to start the round. Guida lands a knee, but Maynard with a crisp right. Guida needs to do less bouncing and more punch throwing. He obliges, and lands a couple nice jabs. Finally Gray shoots for a takedown, but is firmly denied by Guida. Guida shoots for a single but is also denied. Maynard is lifting his hands ala either Diaz in frustration. I feel you there, bro. Gray misses a huge right, and Guida lands a jab. Gray is just chasing Guida around instead of cutting off the cage. Nice right by Maynard, who is complaining about another eye poke, but gets no response from Miragliotta. Crowd is chanting Guida for some reason. Maynard lands a nice knee, but Guida backs out ala Carlos Condit as the round ends. Maynard is fucking pissed.
Round 4: Guida lands a short left, then a quick 1-2. Maynard tries to clinch and lands a knee after a failed takedown attempt. It’s two and a half minutes in and not much has landed from either fighter. Guida slips a left hook and the crowd is still on edge. Anytime Maynard even gets Guida in a corner he is literally sprinting out of it. Maynard with a short left and is now talking a little shit. Gray lands some knees in the clinch, and is now going full on Diaz on Guida, hands down and talking shit. Guida is suddenly caught off guard, as he just landed a flush right that Maynard walked right through. Maynard stuffs a takedown and goes for an arm in guillotine that looks deep, but Guida slams his way out of it and the round ends. Badass display by Maynard.
Round 5: Crowd now chanting Maynard, and for good reason. It’s like Rocky 4 up in this bitch. Maynard lands a right. Gray throws a right hook and a half ass flying knee. Maynard looks much fresher than he did against Edgar. Guida lands a good kick and combo, but Maynard answers with a hard right hand. Maynard misses a single leg attempt, and resorts back to chasing Guida like he’s his older brother on the playground. Guida with a left. Guida is running like a scared dog, and Miragliotta gives him a warning for doing so. Right hand by Maynard lands. I hate to come off as bias, but Guida is fighting not to lose, and Maynard is trying to finish this. Maynard goes for a single, and has Guida pressed up against the cage. Maynard throws a couple knees from the clinch and the two dance around and throw a couple punches that hit mostly air as the round ends.
If Guida wins this, I don’t even know…
Gray Maynard wins by Split Decision, proving that at least one MMA judge in every fight couldn’t see water if they fell out of a boat.
Well, that’s it for me, Potato Nation. Thanks for joining me tonight, I truly appreciate it. KenFlo says Guida had a “smart gameplan.” If putting up as little of a fight as possible is a great gameplan nowadays, I guess I agree with him. I’m going to finish off this bottle and forget everything that just happened.