(For those about to get knocked the eff out, we salute you. Photo courtesy of MMAWeekly.)

FUCKIN’ HUSKERS!!! Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get down to business. “Ultimate Fight Night: Diaz vs. Neer” is going down in Omaha as we speak. But since it’s airing on tape-delay in most of the country, there might be some spoilers after the jump; feel free to come back when it’s 8 p.m. in your time zone. And please leave plenty o’comments now that leaving comments on this site isn’t such a pain in the ass. Click the “More” link when you’re mentally prepared, and refresh the page every few minutes to get all the latest from the Omaha Civic Center.

(P.S.: Stockton, son. Stockton California.)

We open with a black and white shot of Evan Tanner, former UFC champion, with the tribute “You’ll be missed.” Keep him in mind tonight…

Some misguided fan proudly displays a “Dana White for President” sign, while — holy shit Joe Rogan hasn’t shaved in like 12 days!

Hometown boy of all hometown boys Houston Alexander is up first. Time to represent Omaha’s vibrant local ass-beating scene. Eric Schafer will be playing the role of bad guy.

At 8:12, Bruce Buffer finally tells us that we are live. Schafer is booed hard right off the bat, obviously.

Round 1: Houston clinches at his first opportunity and slams two big knees into Schafer’s face. They scramble to the ground, but Alexander wisely gets up when the finish doesn’t present itself. Schafer rushes in to clinch against the fence, and Houston reverses him. Schafer shoots again, and Alexander stuffs and clinches. They both throw knees and Houston separates. Schafer again with the takedown attempt and he gets it. Schafer passes to side control. Houston rolls out and Schafer tries for a guillotine. Houston escapes but Schafer gets the mount and starts throwing punches. Big elbows from Schafer. Alexander gives up his back briefly, then jerks around frantically to avoid blows. Schafer locks on an arm-triangle from the top and Houston taps with 9 seconds left. NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Houston sucks on an oxygen mask. He, and the fans in attendance, are stunned. Joe Rogan asks Schafer to take us through the Star Wars: The Force Unleashed Replay. Ouch. Schafer dedicates his performance to Evan Tanner and they still boo him.

Ed Herman vs. Alan Belcher
Belcher is booed just because the fans are still pissed and need to boo at somebody. They dig Ed Herman, though. And Dan Miragliotta is back.
Round 1: Ed Herman tries for a takedown after getting his eye grazed by Belcher’s fingers. They clinch against the cage and are separated by Big Dan. Belcher’s striking is looking sharp early; he’s landing some nice leg and body kicks. Herman’s got nothin’ yet. Belcher lands a hard leg kick, and Herman grabs it and hauls him against the fence. Belcher reverses and starts throwing knees. Big Dan separates them again, a bit too early this time. Herman lands a solid right, but Belcher grabs him and works his clinch again. Herman scores a takedown and piles Herman against the fence, looking for a darce choke. Belcher gets up and Herman bulls him back to the ground, looking for another submission. Belcher gets up as the round ends.

Round 2: Belcher’s lip is bloodied. He sticks Herman with a sharp jab, then throws it again. Herman lands a couple punches of his own. Herman rushes in with a hook to the body and an elbow to the face. Belcher nails Herman with a nasty overhand right and clinches with him against the cage. They break. Herman looks a bit slowed down now. Belcher with a hard leg kick, then a body kick that’s caught. Herman takes Belcher down and works some short strikes from the top. Belcher tries to push Herman off, but Herman sticks on him. Belcher climbs to his feet. Belcher takes his eyes off Herman to draw him in then lands a superman punch. The bell rings as he loads up another one.

Round 3: Herman shoots and is stuffed. Belcher lands a clean right hand. Herman lands one of his own. Belcher popping the jab, then lands a body kick while his corner screams “no kicks Alan!” Herman clinches and they’re separated before anyone can get hurt. Good straight right from Belcher. Then a spinning backfist that grazes Herman, who responds by shooting. He clinches Belcher against the fence then gets the takedown and falls into half-guard. Herman nearly traps Belcher’s arm with his knee. Belcher gets to his feet, then throws a head kick and a right hook. Herman scores another takedown and gets the mount. Belcher nearly rolls into a rear-naked choke. Herman throws some fists into Belcher’s face from the top as the fight comes to an end. Very close fight. Will the judges give it to Belcher’s striking or Herman’s takedowns?

The scores: 29-28 Belcher, 29-28 Herman, 29-28 Belcher. The Talent gets the split. Happy birthday Alan’s mom.

Apparently, on the season premiere of Manswers (11 p.m. on Spike), they’re going to tell you what the #1 sex injury in America is. Pulled groin, maybe?

Mac Danzig vs. Clay Guida
Round 1: Danzig rushes in with a punch combo but doesn’t land. Danzig with a head kick; he wants to come out as the aggressor. Guida lands two leg kicks. Danzig misses a kick and almost gets taken down. Danzig clinches with Guida against the cage. They separate, and Danzig pops him with a punch, then a body kick. Danzig rushes forward with more punches and a kick but Guida grabs him and takes him down. They scramble and Danzig almost sets up a kimura. Danzig gets up, escaping damage on the ground. Danzig picks Guida up and slams him hard. Danzig thinking about a guillotine from the bottom. Danzig gets up, gets slammed again. This aint looking good. Danzig looks for a gogoplata for a second. Guida slugging the body and head on the ground. Danzig tries to get to his feet again and the bell rings.

Round 2: Guida with a sharp leg kick. Then a body kick. Danzig leaps in with a front kick to the face, but Guida punches him back and takes him down. As before, Danzig has no problem getting up. Now it’s Guidsa rushing in with punches. Guida shoots and pulls Danzig down against the fence. Danzig gets to his feet and lands a right hand. Guida with another takedown, and Danzig’s out quickly. Danzig tries to shoot and throws a knee in the clinch. Guida takes Danzig’s back and gets a takedown. Guida nearly gets an arm in for a rear-naked choke. And the bell. Guida is dominating. Danzig needs to wake up and make something happen.

Round 3: Danzig gets a punch combo, but Guida shoots and pushes him against the fence. Danzig gets an arm around Guida’s neck, but loses it. Danzig lands some punches in the clinch, then he shoots, takes Guida down and grabs his arm. Guida escapes and goes back to bulling him against the cage. Danzig is sucking air. Guida takes Danzig’s back and hangs on tight. Guida takes Danzig down and gets on top, but Danzig gets up. Guida seems happy just to clinch out the round. He takes Danzig down yet again and punches caveman-style as the round ends. Should be a unanimous decision for Guida.

During the fight, Mike mentioned that The Ultimate Fighter 9 will be U.S. vs. U.K.

30-27, and 29-28 twice, all for Clay Guida. Yep. Dude hugged Danzig to death.

Nate Diaz vs. Josh Neer
Joe Rogan says that Josh Neer has had over 100 amateur fights. But that counts bare-knuckle backyard boxing. And kickboxing smokers. And flag football games. Neer comes out to a seriously fruity-ass homo-rock ballad. No offense. Nate Diaz punches himself in the face repeatedly as he walks out to the cage. Brother Nick, as always, got his back. Nate warms up in the cage by throwing air-haymakers. A sign of things to come? Fowlkes writes: “Word is Arianny is working through the flu tonight. What a trooper.”

Round 1: Neer gets a leg kick in right away, throws some punches and clinches. He quickly takes Diaz down and looks for a darce choke. He switches to a guillotine but gives it up. Diaz tries to get up and Neer stuffs him back down. Diaz gets up again and Neer sticks on his back. Diaz reverses and tries for his own takedown. They’re up after a brief ground scramble. Diaz throwing punches in bunches, with Neer’s back against the fence. The momentum seems to have turned in Nate’s favor. Nate gets a huge judo throw and slams Neer on his back. Diaz goes to half guard and slugs Neer in the face. Then again from a standing position. Diaz dives back in, fakes the kneebar and takes Neer’s back looking for a choke. Neer spins out as the bell rings.

Round 2: Nate throwing hands to start the frame. Neer scoops him up and puts him on the ground. Diaz pops up and takes Neer down. Neer gets in a stiff upkick. Diaz is lured back down and Neer briefly threatens Diaz’s arm. Good upkick to the body from Neer, who then gets up and takes Diaz down. Neer takes Diaz’s back, looking for the choke. Diaz pops out, scrambles, and almost sets up a triangle. Diaz trying for an armbar, and Neer gets to his feet. Diaz shoots for Neer’s legs, pulls him back down. Neer dives in with an axe kick and an elbow. Diaz gets back to his feet, throwing strikes in the clinch. Somewhere, a horn sounds.

Round 3: Diaz comes out swinging. Neer lands a push kick. Diaz goes for the takedown, but Neer takes his back. Diaz reverses and takes Neer down. Neer lands a sharp elbow from the bottom. Diaz smothers Neer when he gets up and winds up on Neer’s back. Diaz moves to the mount but Neer gets out of it and kicks Diaz off of him. Neer has done a great job of avoiding damage on his back. Neer tries for the armbar but Neer gets up and grabs onto Diaz’s arm. Diaz with another judo toss in the last ten seconds and he finishes the round throwing down punches.

The scores for the main event: 29-28 Neer, 29-28 Diaz, and 29-28 Diaz. This split decision belongs to Stockton.

Nate Diaz’s “motherfucker” is bleeped in the post-fight interview, but they miss his “shit.” While giving Neer his props, Diaz says something about how jiu-jitsu black belts need to learn how to box, then says “some people” need to stop being bitches and fight his brother. Come on Nate, secrets are no fun!

So there y’go. Houston is headed back to the minors, Ed Herman can’t catch a break, Mac Danzig maybe isn’t the next big thing in the lightweight division, and Nate Diaz is still a foul-mouthed rascal. Thanks for reading…time to watch this motherfucking TUF 8 premiere!