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21 Humans Who Make Being Human Look Really, Really Hard

‘The Ultimate Fighter’ 12.8 Recap: The Cucumber and the Pickle

(Josh Koscheck and Marc Stevens run down last night’s episode with host Stephan Bonnar in the latest installment of "The Aftermath." Warning: The editor forgot to bleep out Koscheck’s numerous F-bombs. Props: UltimateFighter.com)

The official title of this episode is "KOS in a Commotion." There’s nothing funny about rape-choking a male nurse, but we’ve always appreciated a good pun.

Dane Sayers is bummed that he was robbed of a wild card spot. After all, he lasted two rounds against Sako Chivitchian, and Marc Stevens didn’t even last 20 seconds against Cody McKenzie. As Jonathan Brookins explains, "It’s supposed to be reserved for the guy that put on the best performance…some people like the cucumber better then the pickle, I don’t know." But Stevens is the "obvious pick" according to Dana, I guess because he knocked some dude out in the elimination round. We’ll see how far that gets him. Coach Koscheck thinks Marc has a lot of "po-tential" that he didn’t get to show, because he got submitted "kind of early." Kind of!

Alex Caceres tweaked his back during his round-of-14 fight against Jeff Lentz, and is unable to train as hard as the other guys. Michael Johnson just thinks he’s lazy. They argue about it at the house, and Caceres explains that he needs to save his body for his next fights, and promises that when it’s time for him to fight MJ, he’ll be training, believe that. The gauntlet has been dropped, son.


The Aaron Wilkinson/Marc Stevens wild card match is a little awkward for Aaron, since they’re Team Koscheck training partners, but sometimes you gotta fight a mate, j’know wot ah mean? Aaron wants to keep it standing, and beat Marc with his cardio. He has some guillotine choke wins on his record, but that doesn’t concern Marc, who doesn’t see himself losing another fight by the same submission. Poor bastard. You never say something like that on a reality show, unless you want it to haunt you later.

Anyway, it’s time for the moment you’ve all been waiting for — when the drama between Coach Kos and Nurse Tate finally boils over. It all starts outside the prep-rooms; Tate needles Kos about his upcoming fight with GSP, asking him if he wants to bet money on it. Kos tries to grab all up on Tate’s neck, Karo-style. A plunger vs. garbage can scuffle ensues, that ends with Tate holed up inside the Team GSP room and Koscheck banging on the door.

As they’re walking out for the wild card weigh-ins, Koscheck depantses Tate like a classic high-school bully. If Tate had been carrying books, they would have definitely been slapped out of his hands. Koscheck gets up in Tate’s face for a little added intimidation, and the two start jawing at each other when they finally reach the bleachers. Koscheck sticks to his "male nurse" talking point. Tate hits Koscheck where it hurts: "You got famous ‘cuz [GSP] beat you…what’s the last thing you accomplished, how to fake a knee?"

Koscheck snaps. He stalks over to Tate and puts his hand around his throat. Tate freaks. It almost turns into a bench-clearing brawl, but Dane Sayers bravely steps in between them. For his troubles, he gets roughly face-palmed by Koscheck. And where is Georges St. Pierre during all of this? Just sitting on the bleachers, doing absolutely nothing. He’s trying to be the bigger man, I guess, but he just let Koscheck put his hands on one of his fighters, as well as his beloved medic.

Dane stalks off. He was trying to help Koscheck, and got straight-up disrespected for his efforts. Koscheck and GSP follow him to the prep-room to smooth the situation over. They find Dane amped up and extremely emotional, near tears. Kos’s "apology" begins with "you were pushing me in the face" and ends with a condescending head-rub.

Koscheck is convinced that GSP hired Tate to do his trash-talking for him and get under Kos’s skin. "Smart move, Georges, cuz it worked," he says. Personally, I don’t buy that theory, but it’s still a mystery why Tate is always around. Even later in the episode, when Team GSP is discussing the quarterfinal picks, Tate is hanging out on a couch, along with Jean-Charles Skarbowsky. How many guest-passes does St. Pierre get, anyway?

After the weigh-ins finally happen, Koscheck turns to Tate, extends his hand and says "Wanna hold hands and walk out?" A simple "I’m sorry" is just not in this dude’s vocabulary.

GSP explains that since there will be five red-shirts and three yellow-shirts after the wild card fight, two Team GSP members will have to fight each other. He has his guys take a secret poll where they write who they’d like to fight. Michael Johnson chooses Alex Caceres, and it’s mutual. Fighter input usually has no bearing on what quarterfinal matchups are actually selected, but maybe it’ll be different this time.

Aaron is allowed a rare phone call, never a good sign. Mum tells him the bad news that Nana’s gone. Mum says he better not even think of coming home, ’cause Nana would kick his ass. Aaron was close to Nana, and has himself a cry. In the end, it only gives him added motivation to succeed. This one’s for you, Nana.

Koscheck decides not to corner either guy; it’s hard for him even to watch the fight. He tells each man "It’s not often you get second chances," wishes them luck, and sits in the bleachers silently.

Round 1: Marc starts with a pair of leg kicks. Aaron jabs. Marc lands a hard leg kick and shoots for a takedown, which he nails, landing in side control. Marc with elbows from the top before passing to full mount. Aaron rolls to his stomach, then returns to his back. Marc punches down at him. Aaron already has a nasty gash under his right eye. He tries to shrimp out but Marc takes his back and starts working for the choke. It’s eerily silent in the gym without the head coaches shouting instructions. Marc can’t get the choke so he transitions to full mount again. Aaron tries to escape and Marc goes for an armbar, which puts him on the bottom for the first time. Aaron pulls out, but Marc transitions to a triangle. Aaron slugs Marc in the ribs. Marc works on the sub, tightening it, but he can’t quite sink it. "You’re on top, you’re winning," shouts guest-cornerman Nam Phan to Aaron, inexplicably. Aaron gets some space and throws down a few punches at Marc’s head until the round ends. Since Aaron was in danger the entire round, you have to give it to Marc, no matter what Nam "Glass Half Full" Phan says. Still, Sevak tells Marc "bottom loses," advising him to stay on top on the ground.

Round 2: Aaron with a jab and leg kicks. Marc appears to be gassed already, and he’s a sitting target as Aaron pops him with an uppercut and cross. Aaron throws a flying knee, which Marc catches. Marc takes Aaron down…again, right into a damn guillotine choke. It’s over. Aaron Wilkinson has re-entered the competition.

"Apparently I need to work on my guillotine defense," Marc says. Better conditioning would have helped, too. After the first round, he caught Carwinitis and couldn’t feel his legs at all. He blames the weight cut. Jeff Lentz and Andy Main aren’t too happy about being passed over for a guy who dropped two fights in such embarrassing fashion. "Maybe he’s not who we thought he was," Dana says. Dana also calls Nam Phan "the worst cornerman in the history of cornermen…[Aaron] was so far from winning the round it’s not even funny."

GSP and Koscheck meet with Dana to decide the quarterfinal matchups, and call in the fighters to get their input. Alex comes in with his kung fu gear and calls out Michael Johnson. MJ says "the guy with the afro, I got my eyes set on him." Kos thinks GSP wants the matchup because Alex is the weakest link and he wants to advance Michael to the semis. As it turns out, everybody calls out Alex. In an attempt to defend the MJ/Alex matchup (which Dana isn’t crazy about either), GSP reveals that Johnson is weak with submissions, and it could be a competitive fight. Koscheck can’t believe he would say that with him sitting right there, but he’s happy to have that bit of inside info, and apologizes to Canadians for having such a lame representative on the show.

After all the arguments are heard, the quarterfinals are arranged like this:
#1: Jonathan Brookins vs. Sako "Psycho" Chivitchian
#2: Cody McKenzie vs. Nam "Gonna Get Guillotine Choked" Phan
#3: Kyle Watson vs. Aaron "England" Wilkinson
#4: Michael Johnson vs. Alex "Bruce LeRoy" Caceres 

Koscheck isn’t too happy about GSP getting his way with Johnson vs. Caceres — and overall, it’s a scary-tough draw for the yellow team…

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Koschecks perm- November 4, 2010 at 5:03 pm
that blonde bitch got absolutely schooled in the art of trash talk, "gurrr male nurse gurrr". makes the whole of mma look bad, dumb fuck with a big mouth and no brain.
Ballkick- November 4, 2010 at 3:28 pm
When it walks like a prick, and talks like a prick, and act's like a prick....I'm pretty sure it's a PRICK!!!!
I'll bet even Koschecks training partners at AKA want this prick to lose to GSP.

What a dick!
scrapsallday- November 4, 2010 at 3:27 pm
lol no mention of kos making that red mohawk guy cry his boring ass to insanity
Dagnut- November 4, 2010 at 2:03 pm
This show has been like a length of rope for Koscheck to hang himself with...superbly edited...any remaining fans he had before this must be hiding in shame.
liberalizm- November 4, 2010 at 1:50 pm
Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't Kos start all the trash talking with the "male nurse?" I always thought he was a d-bag meathead, and now that I see he can't take a dose of his own medicine it's confirmed.
ccman- November 4, 2010 at 1:42 pm
Yes blogging while watching.

Kos is not one for excuses?? LOL.... fake injuries? yes. fake fouls to rest?? yes... man up??? you mean like apologize when you are wrong?? fuck Kos. v And how the hell is bonnar gonna talk about find a way to win?? he finds ways to lose?

Kos is bitter he did not get the french kiss.... seriously mad.

ccman- November 4, 2010 at 1:24 pm
AKA = best #2's ever... minus cain whose very new. I am floored how out of touch fraggle is.

Minus that how the hell does Bonnar have a job talking?? he sounds like downs syndrome at the worst. he actually makes the other 2 sound smart, and the soft ball questions??? fuuuucccckk
ccman- November 4, 2010 at 12:35 pm
There is no way dana wants this to become the all GSP show, and the 2 Kos has left are not winning this thing. He needed a 3rd bad just to keep interest in the show for another month. Note: the Bruce dumbass/ Johnson fight is last.

Dane will get a UFC fight for suffering thru Kos being an idiot, and prolly get a bump in pay for it.

Kos should have a felony assault on him, restricting an airway is an automatic, plus he should lose all street cred (no more GTA for you Fraggle) for losing a trash talking contest to a 'nurse'.

I have Brookins winning the whole thing, like the mind set.
Squirrel- November 4, 2010 at 12:03 pm
This whole 'male nurse' thing is just stupid. Shows how much of a douche Kos really is. The last time I checked when you call 911 you don't get nurses on an ambulance. Really Kos? are you that much of a tard? And I was completely confused when nothing was said for hitting Dane.

Next season Dana should really do his speech something like this,
'So you want to be a mother fucking fighter? Can you sell me tickets? You might just get the wildcard shot then'
RearNakedSpoon- November 4, 2010 at 11:48 am
Koscheck was getting very paranoid saying GSP told the medic to be around just to annoy him. I would expect him to be more vocal about GSP siding with Wilkonson for the fight...walking him in and sitting in his corner.

Anyone else notice a lack of Dave Camarillo this episode, is he trying to distance himself from Koscheck now? Hopefully on Dec 11th Koscheck is seen as such a damaged character he has no one to corner him and has to walk through the Canadian crowd all by himself muhahaha, even the security will keep their distance :p
Merlin- November 4, 2010 at 11:05 am
I LMAO during that scuffle between Kos and the male nurse.

IF KOSCHECK'S WALK OUT INCLUDES CARING A PLUNGER ... HE WILL WIN THIS FIGHT AND WALK AWAY WITH THE BELT.
manutdfan- November 4, 2010 at 10:46 am
While Koscheck was bragging about getting 'inside info' from GSP on his fighters, he yet again missed the fact he got worked by Georges: Mike Johnson is a Gracie Barra student, and quite adept on the mat. Josh was so pumped to think he learned something, he didn't take the time to figure out if it was a LIE.
WhiteOnRice- November 4, 2010 at 10:20 am
I thought this was a fitting article. hxxp://www.cracked.com/blog/a-book-insults-just-ufc/
El Famous Burrito- November 4, 2010 at 9:59 am
@LOKI

Does that make your pee pee taste funny?
LOKI- November 4, 2010 at 9:53 am
Carwinitis isnt as bad as Arlovskiosis.
Almost North- November 4, 2010 at 9:48 am
Koscheck: Bitch.

I dare someone to disagree after watching this episode. What a sad little child.
cecils_pupils- November 4, 2010 at 9:46 am
some people think the cucumber tastes better pickled...
cecils_pupils- November 4, 2010 at 9:44 am
How to fake a knee - well played... now have yourself a cold Miller High Life.

Yeah, I think that may have gotten under his skin a little bit... juuuuust a little bit.
El Famous Burrito- November 4, 2010 at 9:40 am
@destinationblood

I thought he might have done enough to steal the round (or get a 10-10, but that's a whole different arguement), but I'm sure the judges gave it to Stevens.

"Carwinitis" made me laugh.
Abidon- November 4, 2010 at 9:37 am
Damn it was quiet during that fight, all you heard was Nam showing all of us that he shouldn't be in the corner of anyone...

Happy that Aaron won though, Marc shouldn't have been picked for that fight anyway. (It should have been Aaron and Dane fighting, that would have been a good scrap I think)

And yeah you do need to work on your triangle choke defence!
imabigfan- November 4, 2010 at 9:32 am
done in one. well played, el famous.
destinationblood- November 4, 2010 at 9:31 am
Did anyone else think that Aaron won the first round? Sure he got taken down, but he got back up and was never in any real danger, Marcs submission attempts seemed really half assed and Aaron kept working the whole round. Anybody with Nam Phan and I?
El Famous Burrito- November 4, 2010 at 9:28 am
Yeah, I just don't know what Dana sees in that Stevens kid. He is nothing special. He looks and acts like every douchebag in an Affliction shirt, and he lost in the shortest amount of time.

All the other guys have every right to be pissed.
NomadRip- November 4, 2010 at 9:21 am
I thought Nam was doing an excellent job of cornering. He kept his fighter calm and composed while he was getting worked hard in the beginning of the round. Talked him through the escapes and reversal. He kept him composed between rounds and his fighter won. Kind of hard to call him a bad cornerman when his fighter comes out ahead after such early trouble. Sure, the fighter had a lot to do with it too, but I thought he did great. That screaming in the face Rocky trainer shit doesn't work well for everyone.

Kos is a tool. Classic bully not smart enough to keep up with the shit-talking he started repeatedly, so he goes into "I'ma beat you up now" mode.

Go look at the screenshot of the video in the CP Nov 3 post about the show. GSP is standing and pulling Kos away. He had just sat down when they showed him on the show. He was not sitting there the whole time.

And I agree, Dana should have reamed Kos if nothing else, for the assault. Perhaps it was edited out? Dana also gets douchepoints for giving the 18-second guy a 2nd chance. He didn't deserve it over the performances of the others who had lost. The competition is for what you do on the show, not in your past career. He didn't deserve the 2nd chance slot after being the worst performance of anyone who had tried out for the show.

Bad Dana, no Pinkberry.
hooligun- November 4, 2010 at 9:14 am
Sheesh what a tool Koscheck is ................................ I will never get tired of watching him get hurt.
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