Steroids in MMA
Which MMA Fighter Will Test Positive For Steroids Next?

The Ultimate Fighter 9.8 Recap: Adam Lambert Loses in Shocking Upset

TUF 9.8 Stoppage and Kara DioGuardi Strips Down – Watch more Funny Videos

Last night, doe-eyed heartthrob Kris Allen pulled out a stunning victory over scream-queen Adam Lambert to become 2009′s American Idol. The two-hour-plus finale broadcast included guest performances by Kiss, Carlos Santana, Cyndi Lauper, Brian May/Roger Taylor, and a near-death Rod Stewart, and Kara DioGuardi ripped her clothes off for charity, which was fucking epic (I know, I’m sorry), and my God that woman is like the new Elaine Benes, and I mean that in the best possible way.

Directly after, on a fledgling cable channel called Spiked Television (I think?), there was a new reality show about what happens when 16 guys who live together in a house stop being polite and start getting real. Half of them had strange accents, and a fight broke out at the end.

This is their story.

Jason Pierce‘s health problems go from bad to worse, as a staph infection develops on his busted-up leg. "You just gotta do what you gotta do whatcha can," advises Dan Henderson, M.D. His upcoming opponent has problems of his own. David Faulkner, for the life of him, can’t keep his mouthpiece in. He says something about inheriting his gag reflex from his mom, which I don’t even want to think about. Dude’s got oral issues, we’ll leave it at that.

Team USA blows off some steam playing ultimate frisbee, except for the two Jasons, who grumpily sit on the sidelines. Jason Pierce is basically the new "Captain Miserable." Assistant coach Heath Sims tries to convince him to fight through his sore leg, and Dan Henderson complains about his negative energy, which is affecting the group.

Santino Defranco does his "Parce" voice for the first time. (We’ve been waiting for it, bro!) Santino notices that Pierce will be the first in line to eat Santino’s food, but doesn’t associate with anybody otherwise. Frank Lester adds that Jason Dent basically does the same thing, without contributing to the cooking in any way. It’s enough to make him want to kill people. Santino points out how nervous and uncomfortable Dent is, and Damarques Johnson predicts that Dent will have regrets when he watches the show, because he didn’t make the best of his time in the house. Henderson is irritated by the fact that Dent is resistant to change, and doesn’t push himself to improve his weaknesses during training. Dent seems to be one infraction away from a full-on soap-bar beating.

Henderson chooses Dent vs. Jeff Lawson as the next fight, giving Pierce a little more time to get his shit together. Hendo predicts it’ll be "more of a chess match than a brawl," though Bipsing thinks Lawson will submit him pretty quickly.

Lawson emerges as the entertainer of the house. He pulls a rubber-glove over his head, puts on mouse ears, drops his pants — your basic party-clown shtick. Then Jeff, Dave, and Dean put on a pretty solid pro-wrestling match that ends up in the pool. "The show wouldn’t have been shit without Dave Faulkner," says Dave Faulkner.

Lawson’s gave plan for the Dent fight is simple: Fire off some straight punches, throw Dent down really hard, then lock in the armbar, which is how he ends most of his fights. "Everyone underestimates gingers, don’t they," he says.

Dana White calls a meeting with Jason Pierce to get a sense of where his head’s at. "Look alive," Hendo advises him. Pierce shambles in lookin’ like Kenny from South Park. DW asks him how he feels, and Pierce explains his entire medical condition. "I got the shivers, I’m cold as fuck," he says. But, you know, he can totally still fight. Dana doesn’t buy it.

The final lightweight quarterfinal fight between Lawson and Dent is a sloppy wreck. Lawson comes out throwing these wild kicks that hit nothing but air. He hands a leg kick but then whiffs on some punches. Lawson grabs Dent’s arm and falls to the mat with it. He goes for a toe hold when the armbar doesn’t materialize, loses it, then gets on top and starts punching. Dent easily controls his posture; it seems that Lawson is lost whenever he’s in a position that doesn’t allow him to go for the armbar. Lawson slams Dent in frustration, and lands an elbow. Lawson postures up and throws a couple more punches before transitioning to mount. Dent almost gives up his neck, but escapes from the bottom at the very end of the round. 10-9 Lawson, but it ain’t pretty.

Lawson shoots from a mile away to open up round two and gets stuffed. He shoots again and Dent sprawls, firing down some punches from the top. Lawson gets up, clearly exhausted. He stumbles forward to clinch, misses, then falls to guard. A heel hook attempt doesn’t pan out, and they’re back to sloppy brawling on the feet. They both look gassed now. Lawson rests with his hands on his knees, and Dent just kind of stands there. Dent finally advances and almost gets wrecked by a surprise flying knee from Lawson. Lawson comes in for another takedown attempt, Dent sprawls, then locks on an anaconda choke. Lawson taps immediately.

What happened was, Lawson developed bronchitis after he made it onto the show, and couldn’t do any sort of training for the first nine days he was in the house, which ruined his cardio. He’s bummed that he couldn’t win any money to take his family on vacation. Though Dent picks up the victory, Dana White calls his performance "far, far, far from impressive." Expect Ross Pearson or Andre Winner to murder him in the semis.

Finally, Dana calls Jason Pierce back in and tells him he won’t be fighting. Pierce is upset, but doesn’t try to argue, which says it all right there. Dana’s analysis: "He showed up here and realized he wasn’t a fighter."

On the next episode, Michael Bisping and Damarques Johnson nearly come to blows, Frank Lester and Mark Miller lobby to take Pierce’s spot, Dave Faulkner tries hypnotherapy to fix his gagging problem, and the last welterweight quarterfinal (Faulkner vs. Whoever) goes to Sudden Victory.

Cagepotato Comments

Showing 1-25 of comments

Sort by : Show hidden comments
peacexxl- May 21, 2009 at 12:32 pm
Bisping is a proper English faggot with zero class. Who knows what was said before the snippet they showed, but if you're a coach and the guy hasn't laid hands on you, what justification could there be for what he did? Plus the week prior he was pissed off at D Johnson for a comment that Dollar made.

Haven't we established that being Englands best fighter is like being the prettiest girl at the Pig Party?
ScarTissue- May 21, 2009 at 11:22 am
Dent's eyes are so close together he doesn't have the depth perception to tell if he's hitting the back of the head.
The Harvester- May 21, 2009 at 11:20 am
@ Fedor vs Bas
"I thought Dent won round 1. He landed some great elbows from the bottom."

Hahahaha are you joking. Dent looked fucking awful in the first round, and clearly lost that round.

Either way you look at it Dent is a joke along with Pierce and they should never have been put on the show in the first place. Dent's next fight is gonna be a massacre. Even when he beat Junie's little brother to get into the house he looked terrible.

Damarques Johnson looks pretty promising and is America's best shot at producing a winner. On the UK side there are a bunch of guys that I could see going to the finals.
NateGetsIrate- May 21, 2009 at 10:10 am
@ C-Bus Allstar:

I think it's knees to the nuts by both fighters. One fighter gets kneed and then retaliates by purposely knee-ing the other guy. The initial knee-er then knees the other guy again, but on purpose. Herb Dean DQ's them both, then goes outside to roll anotha fattie. I got 5 on it!
Tall White and Working- May 21, 2009 at 8:17 am
I bet the only ass Seacrest hit was Lambert's, why do you think he can hit those notes? now Simon prolly had Kara and bikini girl... at the same time, oh yeah, hive fives all round!
T1- May 21, 2009 at 8:13 am
I know of at least 3 fighters at our gym who would put on better performances than that fight :(

(not an MMA gym, BJJ, but MMA fighters work their grappling with us, I'm not a tough guy ... I just play one on the internet)
x FenixKnight x- May 21, 2009 at 8:03 am
Bikini Girl is very bangable. I bet Seacrest hit that already, bastard. Kara has a little body on her too. I bet Seacrest tapped that as well, fucker. lol
x FenixKnight x- May 21, 2009 at 7:58 am
America, you're awesome! For a minute there I thought they would crown that Shreiking Queen Lambert. I don't care too much for Allen, Danny Goki should've won....crazy dream-on scream and all.
Tall White and Working- May 21, 2009 at 7:53 am
Good for her!!! she had no talent, might as well get some new tits!
i agree with you on that but i dont think he was in the act of moving when he was punched in the head. he got railed on while not moving his head.
Art Gibs- May 21, 2009 at 7:41 am
Bikini Girl got new boobs. Seacreast, that quick-witted slickster, made a comment about it: I'd ask you what's new, but I think I already know. Well done, sir.

I agree that this whole punching to the back of the head business is bullshit. If a guy is turtling up and you're punching him and he turns his head so that your punch lands on the back of his head, it's not your fault and the refs should chill out about that -- especially Herb Dean.
mayhem- May 21, 2009 at 7:36 am
I got have way through the first paragraph and thought I was on the wrong site for a minute. Sucks that Pierce got staph but so did half the house on season 4 and if I recall they all fought and made it through. He needs to rethink his career path.
C-Bus Allstar- May 21, 2009 at 7:33 am
5 Bucks says that next weeks ending is a double KO.

The announcer guy says its the first fight ending of that type TUF has ever seen.

They haven't seen a double KO, so that's what I'm betting it is.
Tall White and Working- May 21, 2009 at 7:21 am
And i didn't realize the bikini girl had that nice of a body. Wow. and all you Lambert fans will still be able to see him preform on off broadway shows. Yes, emo is dead, thank Gawd.
Emo Sux- May 21, 2009 at 7:17 am
Adam Lambert's loss is proof that emo fags are losing their thunder in society. WAR ALLEN!!!!
Tall White and Working- May 21, 2009 at 7:00 am
I thought it was absolutely punch to the back of the head. I wouldn't have been surprised by a point deduct. who are some LW predictions to win the whole thing? i like Pearson.
agentsmith- May 21, 2009 at 6:54 am
@ Swedish:

Herb Dean considers the back of the head to be anywhere behind the ears... he goes with the "headphones" interpretation, rather than the "mohawk" interpretation. Unfortunately, there is STILL no consensus or specific rule about that, so it's up to the individual refs.
agentsmith- May 21, 2009 at 6:49 am
Notice how Dent glared at his own corner at least twice during the fight, as if to say "fuck off, I know what I'm doing!" Hendo may be right about him being hard to coach.
Swedish- May 21, 2009 at 6:49 am
Dent was NOT hitting the back of Ginger's head. He was striking at the crown and side of the head.

I'm so sick and tired of the endless warning of hitting the "back" (should really be base) of the head.
UFC fan- May 21, 2009 at 6:46 am
For some strange reason I want to see Damarques Johnson take a swing at Bisping, and have Bisping take him down only to get caught in a TIGHT triangle choke. :) Then a big huge fight will break out and everyone will have to be separated.
At the end of it Johnson will get reprimanded by Dana White and hendo in all his great wisdom will take the time to point out that his " boy" Damarques whipped Bispings ass JUST like he is going to do..then he is gonna smile that shit-eating smile he has, and Bisping is gonna go apeshit, it is going to be a fantastic episode. (In my mind)
emptyhandkiller- May 21, 2009 at 6:44 am
Am I the only one who is disgusted with many of today's young athletes? I am sick of seeing and hearing these wimps who have been handed the chance of a lifetime, and now would rather be home watching tv with mommy. I hope that the quiet men on the show still have the backbones of their forefathers. I am old, fat, out of shape and past my prime, but my brain still can imagine being in that house and preparing to fight. I know I would never lose my one chance because of cowardice or because "I don't feel like fighting". I gotta go find some equally out of shape guy to fight. See you later.
Fedor vs. Bas- May 21, 2009 at 6:39 am
I thought Dent won round 1. He landed some great elbows from the bottom.

If Herb Dean warned Dent about hitting the back of the head one more time I was going to go nuts.
Dent doesn't look great, but at least US now is only down 3-4.

Pierce is a bitch. He didnt say two words other than "I hate being benched" (which must be a re-occuring theme in his life) when he was taken out of the fight. I feel bad for him with the infection, but dude, no one ever fights at 100%. Hendo had it right when he said that he had to go into see Dana White and be like, "Hell yea my leg hurts, but as long as I'm cleared by the Dr. to fight, I'm ready."
Fedor vs. Bas- May 21, 2009 at 6:29 am
Early Bird