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Unluckiest SOB Ever Draws Edson Barboza for UFC Debut at ‘UFC on FX 7′


(Sad. He was so young.) 

Not too long ago, I wrote a piece about six of the worst possible opponents debuting UFC fighters have drawn in the past. As I predicted, it was almost universally panned by you Taters, but if I could update the article today, a feller by the name of Lucas “Mineiro” — which I can only assume means “Marked for Death” in Portuguese – Martins would be included somewhere on that list. Because now that Justin Salas has withdrawn from his UFC on FX 7 fight with Edson Barboza, the UFC’s matchmaking department has thrown the poor bastard pictured above into the octagon on short notice in Salas’ place (for his UFC debut, no less), presumably with a steak tied around his neck and a guaranteed bed at the nearest hospital.

Martins record may currently stand at a perfect 10-0, but the combined record of his opponents is just 27-24. Adding to that is the fact that he’ll be taking on an Edson Barboza that is on the heels of his first professional loss and will likely be looking to reestablish himself as a top lightweight via Martins’ untimely destruction. So yeah, expect this one to go down in roughly the same fashion as the Anglo-Zanzibar War or Michael Bisping on his prom night, which is to say, quickly. I just pray the EMT’s have a fisherman’s net handy to catch Martins’ head when it is inevitably removed from his shoulders via Barboza’s robot thunderlegs. Because casual MMA fans are judgmental and easily impressionable to boot, and we wouldn’t want them to witness how backwards and barbaric the sport we love truly is while discussing the fiscal cliff over black garlic-rubbed salmon croquettes and strawberry-infused champagne, the yuppie bastards.

Sorry, I’ve been watching a shitload of Iron Chef lately. But if you think I’m just being presumptive here, feel free to correct me in the comments section. Go ahead. Do it.

UFC on FX 7 goes down on January 19th in Rio and features a headlining middleweight matchup between Michael Bisping and Vitor Belfort.

Related: Vitor Belfort seduces your mom in the new UFC on FX 7 trailer.

-J. Jones

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No-Mojo- January 3, 2013 at 12:03 pm
Seriously, Fuck You for bringing up the Anglo-Zanzibar war.

That is the last think I wanted to be reminded of this morning.
XENOPHON- January 3, 2013 at 8:39 am
@ JJ - Its been nearly a full year since I was able to log in just to bust your balls - GRIN, all that superficial love set aside, your writing has improved much. Proof is like the barber shop fade, I didn't even recognize it anymore.

@ Mr_Misanthropy - I owe you one. Thanks
dwkeefe- January 3, 2013 at 7:09 am
I bet people told Joe Lauzon similar things before his UFC debut.
Mr_Misanthropy- January 2, 2013 at 8:14 pm
@ XENOMORPH

One correction. Jones wrote this.
XENOPHON- January 2, 2013 at 8:09 pm
@ JoseMonkey - You sound like quite the chef. Just one question for you before I decide if you are friend or foe. Do you support or reject the Discovery Institute?
XENOPHON- January 2, 2013 at 8:00 pm
Elias, props for going the distance and doing the basic math with this:

"Martins record may currently stand at a perfect 10-0, but the combined record of his opponents is just 27-24."

For you I'll add that stacks up against Barboza's own 28 kickboxing record. That's 25 wins, (22 by KO) and 3 loses. or his MMA record is 11 fights, 10 wins, 7 by KO, 1 submission, 2 by decision, and only 1 loss - that being KO'd by by Varner.

No corrections from me, only some details for amplification. GRIN
J.Jones- January 2, 2013 at 7:52 pm
@ Jose - I know, it's like "How could anyone ever be opposed to salmon croquettes?" Amiright or amiright?
JoseMonkey- January 3, 2013 at 3:51 am
Ok - I have to give J.Jones credit for making me chuckle with his reply. In retrospect, I was a little over the top in my criticism.

@XENOPHON, not sure why it matters, but I'll bite: I reject the Discovery Institute and their anti-science nonsense.
Mr_Misanthropy- January 2, 2013 at 8:16 pm
I bet it stings to take criticism from a man with a clever handle like JoseMonkey. Maybe you could put some lotion on your skin to soothe the open wound.
Mr_Misanthropy- January 2, 2013 at 5:16 pm
Somebody's gotta do it- "JUST BLEED!"
JoseMonkey- January 2, 2013 at 5:04 pm
Seriously, this: "Because casual MMA fans are judgmental and easily impressionable to boot, and we wouldn’t want them to witness how backwards and barbaric the sport we love truly is while discussing the fiscal cliff over black garlic-rubbed salmon croquettes and strawberry-infused champagne, the yuppie bastards" You typed this and thought it was good enough to publish?
JoseMonkey- January 2, 2013 at 5:01 pm
This is the stupidest commentary I've ever read. New low.
Pen Fifteen- January 2, 2013 at 4:58 pm
Wasn't the guy rated the toughest draw for a debuting fighter Melvin Guillard, the same guy CP recently dubbed, "not a legitimate contender to a title in any weight class, in any of the major MMA promotions"? You guys sure are sucking Barboza's dong pretty hard given that he sports a whopping 4-1 UFC record and got starched in his last fight by a guy who couldn't even put away Melvin fucking Guillard.
SethF- January 3, 2013 at 8:14 am
In fairness, Jared didn't call Guillard that, I did.
And Guillard absolutely demolishes the poor bastards debuting in the UFC against him, so I still think it's fair to label him the toughest draw to make your UFC debut against, even though the guy isn't a contender.
dipsetkilla316- January 2, 2013 at 4:06 pm
I liked Edson, but then he got koed by jimie varner
crappiefloper- January 2, 2013 at 3:29 pm
Seriously, Martins, a midget with a rolling pin, a crippled up,"Timmy" vs. A pack of wild dingos.
Oh, give Team Martins a female MMA fighter too, you know, for novelty
crappiefloper- January 2, 2013 at 3:24 pm
I would literally give martins better odds against a pack of wild dingos. Although that match up should really be pay-per-view...
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