“A true warrior never puts down his sword and I love to do it. It’s as simple as that. I never left.”
Those were the words spoken by MMA pioneer and schnauzer-impersonator Tank Abbott yesterday when he announced his return to the sport of MMA after a three year absence. Yes, despite dropping 8 of his last 10 contests by first round stoppage and venturing into the bizarre worlds of celebrity boxing and backyard wrestling in his spare time, the 47 year-old Abbott is giving this MMA thing another try. We guarantee this judgement call has nothing to do with the fact that he just spent the last of the money he made for the Kimbo Slice fight on a bottle of Fleischmann’s that is now empty.
Even more shocking than Abbott’s decision to knock ten more years off his life was his decision to ditch the gorgeous hairpiece/Santa beard combination that we last saw him donning. The interviewer in the above video also noticed this, and showed a shocking lack of awareness when asking Tank why he decided to shave it off, as if it was ever real hair to begin with. “I don’t need long hair when I’m training,” Tank calmly replied, also bewildered that his bird’s nest could have possibly fooled someone that wasn’t legally blind.
After the jump: A full video of Tank’s last performance, in which he clubbed the back of Mike Bourke’s skull like a baby seal at the same event that saw Ken Shamrock defeat a now-deceased, morbidly obese white dude with cornrows before testing positive for steroids. Simpler times, simpler times.
And who might Tank be facing in his triumphant comeback fight, you ask? None other than Ruben “Warpath” Villareal, who has also dropped 8 of his past 10 fights. CAN YOU SAY SUPERFIGHT? Ironically enough, Villareal’s only notable win that came during that streak was a first round knockout over the similarly drunk/awesome Don Frye in his comeback fight. And unless Villareal comes into this fight short an eye and both arms, we can probably expect a similar result here. Although if you were to ask us, Tank’s decision not to call out Tater Williams seems like a major blown opportunity. The sheer amount of theses across the sneezes in that fight could have really changed some people’s views on the sport in general.
BELIEVE IN MIRACLES, NATION.