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[VIDEO] Dissecting the Atrocity That is ‘Ultimate Ball’

(You wouldn’t know it because of the TRT and all, but three years ago, that Jabbawockee looked like this. ) 

Last Friday, mankind’s ongoing war with common sense and decency united in a copulation of takedowns, face masks, and remorse when Ultimate Ball held its first event at UCMMA 27 in London, England. For some twisted, inexplicable reason, an idea that was best left in the dark recesses of the meth-snorting exercise enthusiast who gave birth to this monstrosity was placed on display for the world to see, immediately leapfrogging “public lynchings” as the most disturbing form of human entertainment ever concocted. Seriously, if XARM, San Do Three-Man Fighting, and ShockFights had sex in the remains of the XFL, the resulting bastard child would be Ultimate Ball. 

Check out the “highlights” from the first, and hopefully last, event below. Just make sure your window is closed if you live higher up than the second floor.

The first thing that went through my brain after watching this video (aside from the screwdriver, of course) was the realization that not one, but all religions in fact, are a lie. For there cannot possibly be a God, Allah, or overseeing entity above us that would allow this blasphemy of a sport to exist. You’re going to tell me that not only are there goals mounted to the walls of that pitifully undersized octagon, but eight players and a referee are packed inside?! SFL’s bull fighting ring could not provide nine malnourished children the adequate space for such a “sport”, let alone nine full grown males.

And for that matter, how in the hell is someone suppose to utilize any other aspect of MMA besides the slam when there are seven other people huddled around them? Just look at the rear-naked choke applied at around the 4 minute mark; it looks like a prison rape is going down while the warden waits his turn. We’re going to go ahead and assume that the MMA gloves are purely for show, because we didn’t see even one jab thrown in the entirety of this video. There were a couple nice teeps, but we basically just watched the world’s shittiest, most cramped game of rugby mixed with a few sloppy takedowns, executed by participants in vastly different weight classes. Lord have mercy.

But there is one amazing thing to take away from it, at least for us Americans. No more can our British counterparts mock America for it’s stupidity. Sure, we spawned Jersey Shore, MTV, and Lady Gaga, but none of those even come close to the complete and utter batshit stupidity that is Ultimate Ball. The scales have finally been balanced. Ultimate Ball is professional sports’ answer to Charlie Manson, and should be put to sleep like a dog with rabies before it begins to spread its disease.

I’m sorry for putting you through that video, I truly am. But how can you appreciate life if you’ve never come face-to-face with death?

-J. Jones

Cagepotato Comments

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xxxrayrayray- April 15, 2012 at 1:38 am

Name Your Brand
Alan K- April 12, 2012 at 1:13 pm
Really? This is the worst thing you've ever seen? Do you always grossly overreact to Youtube videos?
DangadaDang- April 13, 2012 at 5:10 am
Well that depends if you take everything you read on CP with 100 percent seriousness.
geoj23186- April 12, 2012 at 8:26 am
I am English and a huge MMA enthusiast. Mr J Jones, If I ever have the pleasure of meeting you face to face I will extend my hand and offer you a beer as a token of my appreciation for writing my exact thought process. Three best UK promotions are Cage Warriors, BAMMA & OMMAC and Im off to Stockholm to see the UFC this weekend. Don't waste anytime in life by watching a load of coked up sted heads promoting UCMMA. Ultimate Ball more like the Ultimate Fool who thought to put that on TV and thought it would enhance the reputation of MMA legitamise. Rant over , peace
Kind Regards Geo
Clyde- April 12, 2012 at 5:49 am
Maybe they could add in a little Slamball and Polo as well as long as we're just cramming sports together. I think horses on trampolines would really spice this up.
Langer-Dan- April 12, 2012 at 5:00 am
I think it’s got potential. I like the idea of being allowed to use MMA moves in a Rugby/American/Canadian football game. Imagine flying kicks, judo throws and wrestling takedowns in addition to drop goals, fingertip passing, scrumming, rucks, line breaks etc. etc.
You’d need a seriously padded pitch to prevent broken collar bones from spear tackling etc. I think this would work best in a rugby 7’s format in an area the size of a basketball court. Keep the 5 man teams too
marrilia- April 12, 2012 at 2:58 am
i like the idea....maybe a bigger cage (YAMMA!) and a smaller goal so you dont need someone to defend it
2Dogs- April 12, 2012 at 12:50 am
entertainment value=0
Why not just allocate one guy on your team to get drunk and his sole purpose being to run around punching other teams players in the face?
Worst idea ever...except for xarm...
fatbellyfrank- April 12, 2012 at 12:38 am
@ busted cranium, sorry man, I see you already covered that point.
fatbellyfrank- April 12, 2012 at 12:27 am
Worst. Idea. Ever. That is pure fucking shit
Like a Bas- April 11, 2012 at 11:23 pm
All right fellas, let's put on those mma gloves, and mouthguards, and head out to the cage. But whatever you do, DON'T LET A FIGHT BREAK OUT!!!
Cheeseburger Eddie- April 11, 2012 at 7:36 pm
I could get this sanctioned in Alabama...
McLuvin- April 11, 2012 at 6:12 pm
The only thing I see is a horrible missed opportunity to resurrect the YAMMA Pit!
busted_cranium- April 11, 2012 at 5:46 pm
Dumbest. Shit. Ever.

It's like the Internet went out last night, drank a gallon of Vodka and spewed this video from both ends. Thanks Internet for staining my computer screen.