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[VIDEO] Old Dude “Punch Drums” DeBarge on a Speed Bag, Saves Boxing’s Decline, Wins Internet

(Major props to Stan Horaczek for the find.)

Meet Alan “45 of these across the sneeze” Kahn, a self-described “frustrated drummer trying to get a work out” who is here to transport you back to the cocaine-filled fairy tale that was 1985 via the power of DeBarge’s “Rhythm of the Night,” which Alan will be rhythmically accompanying on his trusty 8×5 speed bag with a beat that will get you laid yesterday.

You see, our buddy Alan here is kind of a guru when it comes to the long lost art of rhythmic-speed-bag-punch-drumming. He has released an instructional DVD on the concept, boldly and somewhat blasphemously titled “The Speed Bag Bible,” which you can purchase on Amazon for the low, low price of $19.77 (Free Shipping!). He also runs the website Speed Bag Central, a Texas-based you are already clicking the link, aren’t you? I don’t blame you; I’ve already ordered five copies of “The Speed Bag Bible” and plan on handing them out as Christmas gifts this year to the ones I hold dearest.

The speed bag is to Alan Kahn what a secretive mix of 11 herbs and spices was to Colonel Sanders, and his Youtube hits need to start reflecting how truly innovative this man is. If a 17 second clip of a sneezing baby Panda can attain over 150 million views, then this clip of Alan punch-drumming the Mortal Kombat theme should easily be able to reach into the hundreds of billions. So head over to the official speed bag Youtube page and check out all of Alan’s videos, which include covers of everything from Queen’s “Another One Bites the Dust” to The Who’s “Pinball Wizard.”

After the jump: Meet the rest of the punch-drumming gang through an And1-style mixtape that will instantly make you want to burn all of your old And1 mixtapes. Advanced warning.

If the stare that comes at the 46 second mark does not cast a chill down your spine, chances are you’re already paralyzed from the neck down, in which case we apologize for bringing such a sensitive issue to light.

So can we bring Dan Severn out of retirement to fight this dude? It would look like the final scene in The One, only with twice the grit, twice the mustaches, and a shitload more racial slurs rabbit punches.

-J. Jones

Cagepotato Comments

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jolyqw- February 22, 2013 at 11:03 am
Charlie. I see what you mean... Benjamin`s bl0g is impressive... last saturday I bought a great new GMC since getting a check for $4588 this-last/month and-just over, ten k this past month. it's definitly the easiest work Ive ever done. I started this four months/ago and immediately began to earn at least $74, per-hr. I follow the details on this straightforward website,,
RwilsonR- February 21, 2013 at 8:33 am
Dan Henderson could add a bass drum to this by dropping Bisping to the canvas with a big thud.
dude- February 21, 2013 at 7:58 am
Speed bags don't hit back
SethF- February 21, 2013 at 7:29 am
I'd rather see this guy fight Brad McWilliams, the inventor of Fwaf Kun Do. The Internet would explode.
RED_COAT- February 20, 2013 at 11:58 pm
Why are your videos never available in the Uk?
banjo- February 20, 2013 at 9:10 pm
my favourite part is that he has 80 more of these videos on his youtube channel
BrandonTheTruth- February 20, 2013 at 7:33 pm
The12ozCurls- February 20, 2013 at 7:23 pm
Most Meth Monsters just sit around and look at porno, rubbing their junk while trying to achieve an erection (or at the very least - a Semi) but not this guy! Instead of grinding his teeth and picking scabs, he has created an art form. Albeit a really fucking weird & mesmerizing art form but still - Kudos to you sir.
coolsnow7- February 20, 2013 at 6:46 pm
Too much caffeine today, huh Danga?
Mr_Misanthropy- February 20, 2013 at 5:41 pm
"Get that fucking drum set out of here! THIS IS NOT A TOY!"

*goddamn stupid kids these days*
Fried Taco- February 20, 2013 at 4:52 pm
WTF? And no, that droopy-left-eye stare does nothing for me. Let him try to "speed-bag" Dan Severn.