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War Machine Big House Blog 13: Guard Beatings, Herpes and Pirates

("Maybe if I give myself a black eye nobody will notice.")

I gotta be honest, War Machine‘s blogs are starting to seem a bit halfhearted these days.

Maybe we need to get someone on the inside a la Michael Scofield to shake things up a bit. Do we have any unemployed  members of the Potato Nation in San Diego with eight months to spare who are looking to make a few bucks?

I don’t know if I can stand to read about War’s herpes outbreaks and the number of continuous push-ups he can do for the next eight months, so we would make it worth your while.

Here’s the latest, and arguably the most disinterested prison journal entry to date by the fighter once known as "little Jonny Koppenhaver" after the jump.

Friday 12th November 2010

So this week a guy in a different module punched a deputy. Most of the Deps here are cool but a couple really deserve a beating. Unfortunately the one who got hit was fucking 5 ft. tall, female, and nice as can be! Fucking lame! If you’re gonna do somethin’ stupid like that, make it count! Do it to one of the bully Deps on a power trip. Not a nice, tiny chick! Sucks, I hope it doesn’t ruin her attitude at work & I hope she’s okay. Anyway, AGAIN I’m back to working out daily. This time I’m not gonna stop though! I’m sick of feeling UN-Spartanlike! LOL! Seriously, it’s crazy how fast I deteriorated! My 1st week here I could knock out 100 push-ups easy, 20+ pull-ups too. NOW… LMAO!! Fucking 50 push-ups is a struggle! And I can barely do 10 pull-ups!! Disgusting. I should kill myself! LOL! Fuck that shit, I’m gonna get back with it!

So anyway today I got good and bad news on our gym in Austin. Good news is that the only other big gym in the area just went out of business so we’re gonna have no competition! The bad news is that my two SEAL homies are having trouble securing the loan. We need more capital! If we can’t get it then Ryan volunteered to do mercenary work in the Red Sea guarding oil rigs against pirates with his sniper rifle! Sick huh!? He’ll get $1100 a day, tax free, for 30 days straight! 1 month on, 1 month off. So either way, the gym is still a go!

On another note, I got a big, nasty cold sore (herpe if you wanna be a dick) on my lip! Ugh! I hate ‘em. My Dad & lil’ bro had ‘em growing up but I was lucky not to. Then at The Citadel there was an outbreak on the campus from the barber shop & like 25 cadets got them! The 1st time was on my forehead but now once or twice a year they come to my lip! So gross! And everyone keeps asking, "What happened to your lip?" LOL! In the streets, medicine knocks them out quick but in here it takes like a week to see the doc so it’s not even worth putting in a request. By then it’ll be almost healed.

Oh yeah, I read about the UFC FINALLY adding the WEC’s lighter weight classes to the roster. SICK! Even sicker is now my boy WEC Champ Dominick Cruz will be the UFC Champ!! Awesome!

If you want to treat War to a sandwich or to buy him some stamps so he can write you, you can do so at:
Jon Koppenhaver #10754342

Cagepotato Comments

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chloe1023- November 17, 2010 at 7:17 pm
Unfortunately, STD rates soar worldwide!!! Use a condom to protect you yourself!!!!
A friend of mine who works for the largest STD dating == STDmatching.c o m ==(if I spell the site correctly) told me that the new subscribers have
increased 200% over 2009. Rising STD rate sparks online dating sites.
itsgalf- November 17, 2010 at 12:23 am
@Viva Hate
Hahahaha, nice.

Does War Machine accept ham sandwiches or does he only do bologna?
Viva Hate- November 16, 2010 at 5:25 pm
It looks more like bloody jizz, I have a feeling that War Machine may have been the victim of the dreaded Donkey Punch/Strawberry Shortcake , one-two combination that left him with a bad case of the old herp.
Komodo- November 16, 2010 at 4:38 pm
It looks like tomato sauce.
DARKHORSE06- November 16, 2010 at 2:42 pm
LOL the way he writes like a FAG.
KarmaAteMyCat- November 16, 2010 at 12:05 pm
@ RwilsonR

I just finished season four and the extended length dvd of the series. I actually made an appointment to get some more in on my right arm and I stole some ideas from the Scoalfield tattoo's. Hit me up if you need a side kick I'll be the "Link the Sink" of the crew!
2DaDeath- November 16, 2010 at 11:46 am
What is up with everyone having herpes outbreaks lately? This is like the 4th person i've either seen or heard of with a sore on their lip area in this past month.
Anyone else notice this recent phenomena?
blackboxmma- November 16, 2010 at 11:36 am
i think CP should mail him the playboy with arianny celeste. It might spice up his blog.
Viva Hate- November 16, 2010 at 11:32 am
You know with a little creative editing we can really change the point of his article.

" If you wanna be a dick on my lip! Ugh! I hate 'em. My Dad & lil' bro had 'em growing up but I was lucky not to. Then at The Citadel there was an outbreak on the campus from the barber shop & like 25 cadets got them! The 1st time was on my forehead but now once or twice a year they come to my lip! So gross!"

And yet it still sounds like something he would deal with.
ccman- November 16, 2010 at 11:28 am
War machine getting into citadel is definitely a sign of the apocolypse.

every one look out for swarms of locusts, seas turning to blood, or CP writing a non-biased article that is relavent to MMA.......
omunto- November 16, 2010 at 10:59 am
If War Machine went to The Citadel then it's only a matter of time before we can add rapist to his list of charges.
ReX13- November 16, 2010 at 10:57 am
PingPong >>  He dropped out of the Citadel, if i remember correctly.
PingPong- November 16, 2010 at 10:36 am
Ha! I can do (almost) as many pushups as War Machine.

Also he went to The Citadel?!?
El Guapo- November 16, 2010 at 10:34 am
"What, this? Oh, it's nothing. Just a little cold sore. Okay, a big muthaf'kn cold sore. El oh el! Naaaa, my dad and brother used to get them, that's why. And then there was an outbreak at school. And then I did porn. So I got it somewhere. I sure as hell didn't give it to myself, el oh el. But if you think that's bad you should see my dick! Oh em gee! It's like a War Zone. Get it? War Zone? Since my name is... Hey, where you going? Please come back. Wanna buy me a sammich?"
RwilsonR- November 16, 2010 at 10:12 am
I live in San Diego, but I don't know if I could get the prison architecture diagrams creatively tattooed all over my body in time to be of much help. Maybe I'll leave this one up to omunto. Although I am available for getaway driving - Mexico, here we come!
...ChOkE...- November 16, 2010 at 9:54 am
I think you mean either "least interested", or "most disinterested".
Double negatives are bad, mmkay?
RSparrow- November 16, 2010 at 9:53 am
On accident, I came across a porn with War Machine in it and I couldn't even watch it. It was too weird.
danomite- November 16, 2010 at 9:50 am
well, with DSL's like that did you expect him not to have herpes?
Art Vanderley Silva- November 16, 2010 at 9:46 am
herpa derp hahaha
LOKI- November 16, 2010 at 9:38 am
Thats not even War Machine, its a picture of Goldstein in his halloween makeup.
Smitty- November 16, 2010 at 9:35 am
Ben, I'm hittin you in ur fuckin face! I asked you nicely to stop doin this. Now it's on mufucka!!!
omunto- November 16, 2010 at 9:24 am
I live in San Diego and have a Job i'm dying to quit... I'm listening...
Fried Taco- November 16, 2010 at 9:23 am
Disgusting. I should kill myself! Now he's getting the right idea!