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21 Humans Who Make Being Human Look Really, Really Hard

War Machine’s Big House Blog Number Two: Scrabble, Sex Deprivation and Sage Advice

 
(Scrabble? I pictured War Machine as more of a Tiddly Winks kind of guy.)

Well, War Machine got through his second week in the clink without any controversy, which is nearly as surprising as Paulo Filho making it to his scheduled Impact FC appearance.

Other than getting ripped off for his phone credits, Machine’s week, which mostly consisted of reading and taking advice from convicted felons, was relatively serene, but considering he has 50 weeks remaining in his one-year sentence, we’re not holding our collective breath that things won’t go sideways at some point in the near future.


Here’s the latest from WM behind bars, as posted by his friend via Twitter:

Starting to get the hang of things here and the time seems to be passing faster than I had expected. Couple of the guys housed here are pretty cool. Valencia is here fighting a murder case and "The Banker" is here for his 3rd bank robbery!! LOL We play Scrabble a lot, work out and bullshit. Just try to pass the time. Most of the other inmates here are just in and gone within a few days and boy do people try and take advantage!! Everyone has a sob story and wants to use your minutes to make a "quick" call. Problem is it’s never so quick and never the last call. I’ll be here a year and don’t wanna go broke helping strangers so no more of that! Speaking of money, this jail business is the biggest racket of them all! We can only buy their phone cards and it costs 25¢/min. for a LOCAL CALL!! And the snacks are outrageous! Easily 5 times the price of any convenient store.

Anyway, I have been going through books like CRAZY! By the end of this year I’ll have read 5,000!! LOL! I got my first visit the other day… My wifee and my two Seal homies. It’s nice to see them but honestly I’d rather do my time and not see/talk to anyone on the outside. I’m doing well in here but after a visit/call I get sad. Workouts here are starting to bore me, REALLY miss training! I think I’m gonna teach Valencia how to pummel and work the thai clinch. He’s strong and gonna be here a long while so hopefully we can get some cell training going. My celly left a few days ago so I’ve been getting plenty of quality time in… HAHA! Fuck man I think I dream of sex every night!! Gonna terrorize the wife when I’m released! =)

A Black guy named "Slim" here is a life long criminal. He’s beaten 2 murder cases already, and is here on a drug case… He told me "Man you’re wasting a year of your life, you have the world in the palm of your hand… none of us have shit, that’s why we’re here. Do this year and don’t look back, this place ain’t for people like you, you have opportunity." It was heavy coming from him and I think it will stick with me forever.

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Chiggs- August 18, 2010 at 11:15 am
Mr_Misanthropy Says:
Mon, 08/02/2010 - 19:07

He's gonna hire slim as his agent for ten candy bars and a book of stamps a month. Wart Machine is the next Big Stan...

You mean like Tramp Stamps??? Ala Shamrock as well as probably Warmachine already having several by now :P Hehe maybe he can hire him for his Prison Sex Porno's as an agent...
Shaky- August 3, 2010 at 12:48 pm
I thought WM had a porn star girlfriend he attacked before going to gaol. Did some crazy bitch get hitched to him in a hurry after that and pop two kids out?
Viva Hate- August 3, 2010 at 10:53 am
Hopefully the story goes like this, WM gets out of jail. He gets a job working at a grocery store for a while. He is unable to cope with life in the outside world and decides to carve the words, I mean War Machine was here and hangs himself.
Robocop Didnt Tap- August 3, 2010 at 10:39 am
I already know how this story turns out. War Machine fights off the advances of The Sisters and befriends a wise black man (i.e. Slim). Years later, John would crawl to freedom through five hundred yards of shit smelling foulness I can't even imagine, or maybe I just don't want to. Five hundred yards... that's the length of five football fields, just shy of half a mile.

See you in Mexico, Jon Koppenhaver.

Your friend,

Red
Almost North- August 3, 2010 at 10:23 am
War Machine's kids are going to make the Browning brothers look like Nelson Mandela.
Ballkick- August 3, 2010 at 8:14 am
@kezza-aus
I think WM will be sorely disappointed when he finds out that Dr Suess didn't write 5,000 books....

That is some funny shit!....you made my week with that one +20
Viva Hate- August 3, 2010 at 7:07 am
I bet Mrs. Machine went home and got the ole Eiffel Tower from his to seal homies.

I bet Mr. Machine went back to his cell and got the Eiffel tower from Valencia and Slim.
MoTropolis- August 3, 2010 at 6:39 am
When did Krazy Horse change his name to Slim? Anyway, Im pretty sure Scuffle Device means "Wifey" as a term of endearment, I doubt he's actually married to the broad.
ytrebil- August 3, 2010 at 5:49 am
LOL @ Smitty.

I like reading this. I'm hoping to read some car crash stuff over the next few weeks.
J-Dog- August 3, 2010 at 5:09 am
That was the longest night of War's life.......

I think it's funny he has a wife & kids and he doesn't want to see them for a whole year. Stay classy, WM.
Zee German- August 3, 2010 at 1:37 am
Kid Clam Curtains, kezza-aus , FBF: T-shirt-worthy comments. Kudos.
fatbellyfrank- August 2, 2010 at 11:47 pm
For a topic that I really couldn't give two fucks about, the comments are top notch again gents, when the nation gets on a roll it rolls, Hoora
And yeah, I'm surprised ther's a Missus spit bag, imagine the conversations at dinner " How was your day honey" "Oh you know, same old same old got in a guy guy chick Bi-sexual threesome ,damm my ass is aching babe!, then had to reshoot the midget felching scenes, other than that not much"
GroundFighterMMA- August 2, 2010 at 9:54 pm
So Slim is the "Red" to War Machine's "Andy Dufresne" thats sweet. Lets hope they keep on the wardens good side.
Pac-Man- August 2, 2010 at 7:34 pm
Please get kezza-aus a t shirt. That just made my week.
itsgalf- August 2, 2010 at 7:30 pm
Damn, Slim sounds like he's from some dramatic prison movie.
kezza-aus- August 2, 2010 at 7:08 pm
I think WM will be sorely disappointed when he finds out that Dr Suess didn't write 5,000 books....
Old_Bald_and_Irish- August 2, 2010 at 6:58 pm
STOP THE PRESSES!

....WarMachine knows what a book is?

I guess he picked it up from that "convenient" store.
eatSHITdie- August 2, 2010 at 6:33 pm
@Smitty
And almost certainly they are banging his wife.
mt59801- August 2, 2010 at 6:31 pm
You're all missing the best part.....he has wife......who was OK with him doing porn! War Machine may have more game than we give him credit for
Smitty- August 2, 2010 at 6:16 pm
It's fucked up that war machine only has a wife and two sea mammals that care about him.
radiobaby- August 2, 2010 at 6:10 pm
hahaha.......... hahaha.
k-onda- August 2, 2010 at 5:41 pm
There's a Mrs. Machine? And she comes to see him? Boy is that depressing, lol, golly.
cecils_pupils- August 2, 2010 at 4:42 pm
Note to self: Never, ever, take advice from a black guy named Slim.
Kid Clam Curtains- August 2, 2010 at 4:10 pm
If I'm ever in the position where I must look War Machine in the eye and tell him he has the world in the palm of his hand and that I don't have shit I will literally push my jail issue plastic spoon through my eyehole into my brain until I am fucking dead. I will also use the rest of my calling cards and slim-jim funds to pay the rest of the inmates to piss on my corpse once I stop twitching.
Almost North- August 2, 2010 at 4:08 pm
Could someone explain why part of this is in italics? Its been a long day.
CagePotatoMMA