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War Machine Big House Blog 4&5: Mooches, Masturbation and Sex with a Sandwich


(When War gets his photos done at Sears, he always turns to the side out of habit.)

Apparently most MMA outlets were like us in thinking that since War Machine got sat down by the District Attorney in his case who used his tweets about drugs and booze against him, that the fighter formerly known as Jon Koppenhaver was done with Twitter since nobody has written anything about him in a while.

I hadn’t checked out Machine’s page in a while, but it came up as a friend suggestion on my personal account the other day, so I clicked it and was pleasantly surprised that he is back blogging about his exploits in jail.

I’ve got to admit, I was kind of disappointed with the latest edition. I clicked on it expecting to read about how to make a shank out of a toothbrush and instead, I get War talking about how often he masturbates and how he’s thinking of fucking a bologna sandwich. Remind me never so eat lunch with him if I interview him in person after his release (no pun intended).

Maybe it’s because his lawyer is censoring his posts, but last week’s entry seems somewhat subdued.

Here’s what’s going on with War Machine who has only been behind bars one month, which means we only have 48 more of these recaps.


First month down and only 11 more to go!! LOL! Fuckkkk sometimes it’s just unbearable here, especially at night. I sleep too much in the day and when bedtime comes I’m screwed! I just sit here trying to sleep, thinking about millions of things. Being in jail I miss a lot of shit – making love to my wife, my friends, my buddies’ two kids. But, most of all, I miss TRAINING. The last 8 years I’ve never not trained more than a month straight. I don’t know how I can make it a year. It’s like a drug. I’m addicted to competing, to pushing myself, to breaking down my training partners and perfecting my game. This sucks!

And this place, there are a few good dudes here, but man… the majority are just idiots. They can barely spell, can’t hold a decent conversation, and DRUGGED OUT. I’d say 95% of the guys in here have drug problems, HORRIBLE ones. These guys do 5 years in prison and are out barely a month and already back on new charges all because of drugs or committing crimes to buy more of them. It’s crazy! Someone will get some heroine or meth in jail or prison and like 4 guys will share the same needle to slam it. They could just snort it and be safe of disease but they are so impatient for the high they’d rather all share and risk it all. It’s really sad when you think about it. And worse than that, to me at least, are the Mexican youngsters who are "excited" to get sent off to prison. Even if they could hold out and get a better deal and maybe do a year County time, they sign for the 3 year prison term 1st offer from the DA. I guess in the Mexican gang sub-culture you’re not a real "gangster" ’til you’ve been to the pen. These are young guys, 18, 19, 20 years old. Healthy, with a long future ahead of them, BRAINWASHED – it’s fucked up. I guess there’s no way to understand it as an outsider.

All in all I’m doing well in here. Trying to stay positive. Some days I get depressed, mostly after visits. It’s easy for me to "block" the world out and do my time but with each visit/phone call I get ripped back into reality and become away of how bad it really sucks. I wanna thank all of you again for supporting me with the nice e-mails and gifts. Some of you ask me what I want to receive in terms of commissary items… I don’t expect anything and therefore I won’t make any requests. Anything you want to send me will be greatly appreciated. Fuck! I really can’t wait to fight again! I’ve never been so excited about it in my life! I’m gonna train hard and wreck shop when I get out! Just watch and see!!

———-

Kinda shitty week for me. Guess I’m depressed or something because I didn’t workout at all. Been pretty much sleeping all day, and staying up all night long. And when I stay up, I don’t do shit. Just lay there with my mind going 200 MPH thinking about thing after thing after thing. I really need to get back on some type of decent routine. Hopefully next week is better. Also, I’m starting to get annoyed by a lot of shit…

People here are "needy" as fuck and if you give them an inch, they push for a mile! Someone is always asking "Hey man do you have any phone time?" and it’s always followed up with some huge desperate sob story and empty promises of getting paid back some how blah, blah. May not seem like much but they charge us 25¢ a minute for calls here and trust me, when I say, that shit ADDS UP QUICK! Then you have the coffee fiends, HOLY SHIT! You buy a bag of coffee in here and it’s as if you have a kilo of crack! Multiple people 1 or 2 times a day EACH. "Hey brotha can I bum a shot off ya? Or even half a shot?" A bag that should last me prolly 2 months, because I seldom drink it, will prolly empty here in a week. Needless to say I won’t find out cuz on day 3 I gave the bag to Valencia next door to save myself the headaches. NEVER will I buy that shit again!

I dunno I guess it bothers me because I’m someone that has a very hard time asking people for anything. I HATE asking for stuff! Even if I really NEED it and my friend or family has plenty of it, I’d rather suffer than ask… lol. Fuck and I’m sick of being around STRANGERS! In my normal life, I’m very private. I’m only around people at my gym and then my girl and a handful of best friends. I don’t get along with most people if I have to be around them more than an hour at a time… how I have to LIVE with them… ugh. I’m especially sick of having a cell mate. I’m sick of smelling someone elses shit, sick of smelling farts, sick of hearing burps, sick of hearing/smelling anything.

If I didn’t have such great things to look forward to upon getting released, I’d easily lose it here. It’s a recipe for disaster and it’s no wonder to me why people come here for a year and end up doing LIFE… lol. Seriously though, for someone who legitimately has nothing… nothing to give them a reason to live, a reason to behave… It’s rather impossible to stay out of trouble here for those people. Anyway, enough of my complaining, trying to think of a story to tell you from this week…

There was this one black guy a few days ago. He made a very STUPID mistake. America’s Most Wanted was on TV and they mentioned somethin’ about a $50,000 reward for info on a guy. The dumbass says, "Easy money!" All the other blacks at his table looked at him like "Huh!?" He said, "Ya man, shitttt… one time my friend and I saw a reward for some dude in our neighborhood and we turned him in and got 5 g’s! That was the easiest money I ever made!" And uh, in a place where almost everyone is here because someone snitched, it’s no wonder that he was forced into his cell, lumped up, and sent packing to the PC, "protective custody" module… lol.

What else… sexual withdrawals anyone? Last time I went this long without some action was in the TUF house… I can’t imagine a year of this, FUCK!! I think some days I jerk it 3+ times! HAHA! I’d do anything for a warm apple pie or something… lol… Shit, in a few more months I’ll settle for a cold bologna sandwich!! LMAO!

One good thing about this place is that it makes me appreciate my wife more and more each day. She’s more than I could ever wish for, I feel very lucky to have her. It also makes me appreciate my friends and fans. You guys are being so supportive and I love all of your e-mails and generous gifts… I hope all of you know that I’ll never "sell out" or become one of those fighters that become "too cool." I’ll always keep it real and stand up for what I think is right, no matter what! When I get released from here and start fighting again, I’m gonna continue doing what I started a few fights back… I’m gonna bring one fan in my corner/or at least backstage with me every fight. We fighters are spoiled by the experience but I remember how neat it was when I was brand new and backstage or in the corners with my old Lions Den teammates… I wanna share that feeling.

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ArgureRef- February 16, 2011 at 7:27 am
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darciesdaddy- October 1, 2010 at 4:27 pm
I'll chip in a bologna sandwich from the comissary.
Seoul Brother- September 29, 2010 at 10:58 am
I table the motion that for the duration of his incarceration and until he redeem himself by: 1) resurrecting Elvis Presley, 2) being the sole cause for the US government to legalize marijuana, and 3) reuniting the original members of Kiss, that the fighter formerly known as "War Machine" be referred to from this point hereafter as "Whore Machine."
fatbellyfrank- September 28, 2010 at 8:29 pm
@ Charmin charlie, ended up gettin the fish burger
fatbellyfrank- September 28, 2010 at 6:34 pm
@ Charmin Charlie I'm goin out for my lunch shortly, I' thinkin I might get a fish burger, or some deep fried squid, and its my birthday
fatbellyfrank- September 28, 2010 at 6:32 pm
@ itsgalf, maybe Machine only has an inch, and some of those long termers would definitely expect more than that, might also explain why his buddies kids are fucking his wife
Charming Charlie- September 28, 2010 at 5:37 pm
More Machine? Since we're posting things only tangentially related to MMA, CP should know I'm eating a huge sandwich right now while reading CP. Its so big my hand is getting a cramp trying to hold it shut.
itsgalf- September 28, 2010 at 5:03 pm
ahh good ole butt lovin jokes
itsgalf- September 28, 2010 at 5:01 pm
it looks like most people caught the buddy's kids innuendo. But missed this one:

"People here are "needy" as fuck and if you give them an inch, they push for a mile!"
fatbellyfrank- September 28, 2010 at 4:53 pm
Does his buddy know War Machine wants to fuck his kids? or are the kids just happy to fuck war machines wife?
Anyone ever heard the saying "You reap what you sow"

Attn War Machine Suck it up Princess, you fucked up, you fought the law and the law won, you got eleven months to think about how much of a fucken idiot you are
MoTropolis- September 28, 2010 at 2:09 pm
Man I fucking hope Howard resigns...or atleast keep the show going, maybe online or something. Fla Fla Fo Hi!
Seoul Brother- September 28, 2010 at 1:36 pm
@Mr_Misanthropy: Goddamn, sir - I tip my hat to you. Thanks to you, I have some fucked up shit on my Mental Etch-a-Sketch that just won't shake off too easily. And yet I can somehow envision War Machine picking up for Howard Stern where Crackhead Bob left off.
Mr_Misanthropy- September 28, 2010 at 1:07 pm
@ Jarred Bee

Naw, he's fucked. He's barely made it through a month and every time we hear anything about this jackass he's counting every second until his release. Expect his bitch ass to come out of jail a broken hollow shell of a human being.
Mr_Misanthropy- September 28, 2010 at 1:02 pm
War Machine is a stand-up comedian working on the biggest send-off to the Aristocrats joke the world has ever seen... he's telling it with his life. Tell me that's not subtle genius at work.
JaredB- September 28, 2010 at 12:50 pm
I know he's a lunatic and a dick, but the more I read these the more I start to root for the guy. Maybe he's got hope?
Fried Taco- September 28, 2010 at 12:41 pm
@oki-who oki-ryu I'll chip in some money to send him a shit-load of coffee so he can become "popular".
Grounds- September 28, 2010 at 12:34 pm
@ReX

Lol, nice...
oki-who oki-ryu- September 28, 2010 at 12:20 pm
does anybody want to go in on sending some commissary items for Mr. Machine. I think its time he cashes in on his condom depot sponsorship, sounds like someone could use some along with the oscar mayer year supply we're gonna send him. I wonder if he likes spam too?
MoTropolis- September 28, 2010 at 12:07 pm
@Agentsmith

I may have spoke to soon to El Famous.
Richard Fitzentite- September 28, 2010 at 11:51 am
War Machine is married? I'd love to meet Mrs. Machine.
ReX13- September 28, 2010 at 11:46 am
i can't believe no one has mentioned that he misses making love to his buddy's two kids.
Chiggs- September 28, 2010 at 11:44 am
"making love to my wife, my friends, my buddies' two kids."

Statements like that an good ole War Machine might not be gettinout anytime soon :P Sick fucko
agentsmith- September 28, 2010 at 11:40 am
When I think of War Machine's mind "going 200 MPH", I like to imagine a beat-up Firebird revving in neutral and spewing black smoke.
MoTropolis- September 28, 2010 at 11:37 am
@El Famous

Comment of the day if not week right thurrrrr.
Seoul Brother- September 28, 2010 at 10:38 am
@El Famous Burrito: Better yet - his best friend's kids are making a tangy sandwich out of War Machine's wife.
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