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War Machine Big House Blogs 11 and 12: Hating on Brock, Hanging with Dana and Killing time in the Clink

(War and his cellmate "Dana White" pose with a fellow inmate at the prison prom.)

Time sure flies when you’re not behind bars.

Here we are already at month four of War Machine’s county jail journey.

It seems like only yesterday, he was on the outside bar brawling and tweeting about his views of the world.

Now he spends his days reading, masturbating and playing scrabble with imaginary incarnations of UFC fighters and personalities.

Without giving away too much from the latest releases from his memoirs, War’s reaction to a victim of suicide he mentions in one of his two latest blogs was a bit off, but what else can be expected from a dude who tweets Dana White that he’s imagining him in his cell just before he rubs one out?

And we thought we were going to have a hard time getting back in The Baldfather’s good books.

Here’s what the new age philosopher formerly known as Jon Koppenhaver got into the past two weeks after the jump:

Thursday 28th October, 2010

So the past two weeks I’ve been unmotivated and lazy again. UGH! It’s so hard for me to stay active here. All I wanna do is sleep this whole year away. One good thing about being a lazy bum these past weeks is that all of the little nagging injuries I’ve had over the years, that never got a chance to heal cuz I’m always training, are going away. Once I’m free I’ll be a fully healed up machine! I’m sure once I’m back in the gym I’ll be tip-top in a few months time.

Anyway, some dude hung himself in here yesterday! I guess he hated jail more than me! LOL! Crazy. Man, the boredom is really starting to get to me and every time I get a new book I tear through it in 2 days! LOL! I’m not good at taking my time with reading. To me, it’s like watching a movie and then pausing it all the time when you stop! I just get hooked and never leave my cell ’til it’s done! I really wish I had my laptop in here! Man do I miss the internet! Can’t wait ’til I’m back to mny real life… =/

Wednesday 3rd November, 2010

4 months! The days drag but the weeks/months fly by. Weird, but I’m glad. Definitely not/can’t be fast enough though. Thanks again for all the gifts/e-mails – they really make it a little easier for me. Anyway, there’s this new Mexican guy in here – we call him the Mexican Private Pyle (Full Metal Jacket). Anyway, he’s a fucking WEIRDO! He talks and laughs with himself, but the weirdest, we all caught him face down on his bed, making out with his pillow, and dry humping his bed! LMAO!! In all the boredom here I have learned to cherish the weirdos here, they really provide good entertainment!

Oh yeah! I am SO HAPPY that lameass Lesnar lost to Velasquez! SO HAPPY! I can’t wait to see it! Hopefully by the time I’m out, I’ll get to watch Brock get pounded on a few times! I also miss watching "House." I hear on the new season him and Cuddy are together again – interesting. Fuck I’m bored here! And my body is turning to shit! I have no motivation to workout again… UGH! It’s weird though, everyone comes here and gets fat, but me, I get skinny. Fuck! I can’t wait to get back into the gym! You guys are prolly sick of hearing it but I have little else to do but sit here and think of the shit that is eating at me.

Anyway, my partners in the gym are using all their SEAL connections to get us contracts training the Special Forces & law enforcement in the Austin area as well as setting up seminars for us to train the SEALS in Virginia. All that shit means constant extra $$ I’m pumped to get the gym open! Man this jail shit is a big lame waste of time!

So just FYI, I don’t write these blogs in one sitting, so if it appears that I am jumping from one thing to another it’s because I keep adding to it throughout the week as I see fit! Anyway, this week I only had like $4 on my books on store day but you guys saved my ass! The day after "stores" I got 5 gift packs! Great timing! And again, I really appreciate the support!

Special thanks to Bill, Ozzy, and Donna who continuously look after me! All of you keep the mail coming too – I really like getting it! I try to write back to just about everyone.

On a different note, I’ve been shaving my legs since I was like 15 and it got too weird having all this leg hair! So yeah, I shaved that shit tonight when we got razors! I know the boys are gonna tease me tomorrow but oh well… LOL! Makes me feel a lil’ more human and normal so it’s worth the harassment! I’m out. Gonna play Scrabble against @danawhite and then jerk off ’til it bleeds! HAHA!

Cagepotato Comments

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itsgalf- November 5, 2010 at 1:39 pm
Only swimmers and queers shave their legs. You don't look like a swimmer
MoTropolis- November 5, 2010 at 12:36 pm
Hey War Machine, I dont know much about prison rules, but here in the free world, its common courtesy to write "***SPOILER ALERT***" before revealing details about major plot points and twists in new shows. Thanks for ruining the new season of House for me. Its a good thing I bail on those types of shows after the 2nd season, before everything turns to fuck all.
doowm- November 5, 2010 at 9:42 am
And how, exactly, is he able to 'blog'? i'm sure this has already been addressed in a former issue of "Doin' time on the counties dime", but this is the first time I've wasted 5 mins o my life reading it.
Fried Taco- November 5, 2010 at 7:28 am
It's nice to see him thank me for the gift box, and also to hear that he is putting the @danawhite doll I sent him to good use.
LOKI- November 5, 2010 at 6:59 am
agentsmith- November 5, 2010 at 6:40 am
Why did he get his picture taken with the "two weeks" lady from "Total Recall"?
k-onda- November 4, 2010 at 8:00 pm
I heard the GOP took back the House...LOL. I had toast for breakfast, but didn't have any butter...LOL. This dude I know got a speeding ticket the other day...LOL.
Why do I read this shit? Hearing about him fantasize about baloney sandwiches while jerking it has been the most interesting thing so far...LOL.
Gladheateher- November 4, 2010 at 7:39 pm
If hes not careful people might refer to him as Wort Machine.
Anyone have his address? Im thinking of sending him a letter disguised as the entire plot lines of House. See if he can resist reading those waiting until he makes it out to watch them.
Red Baron- November 4, 2010 at 6:49 pm
I now think Nick Diaz is cool, and I feel sorry for War Machine and want him to get early parole? Man, I'm losin' it!
Smitty- November 4, 2010 at 6:31 pm
I can't believe CP is writing about this SHIT! Does anyone even care about this dudes blogs? Ben.........dude..........fuckin away with following these blogs. Take a vote or something. I been here a long time. That's the least you can do for a CP OG!!!
DARKHORSE06- November 4, 2010 at 4:34 pm
I'll bet wearing panties makes him feel more like a woman too.
MoonBelly- November 4, 2010 at 4:21 pm
I still can't believe I take the time to read Koppenhaver's (I will not call him 'War') crap every time. It's just garbage. It's like that dead homeless guy your mom would always tell you to leave alone, but you'd still go poke with a stick as soon as she wasn't paying attention.
El Guapo- November 4, 2010 at 4:20 pm
I forgot to add "not that there's anything wrong with that" to my first post. Don't wanna piss off the gays. Wait! GAYS! Not "the gays". As in, homosexual. That's what I meant to say. Nothing wrong with that, if that's what you like. I personally love me some pu... Shit! Now I'm rambling. How do I delete this thing??
cecils_pupils- November 4, 2010 at 4:15 pm
RwilsonR- November 4, 2010 at 4:07 pm
@ El Guapo - No fucking kidding! It is hard not to look at some trends these days and not do a face-palm and shake your head in disgust. What's next - fauxhawks?
PortlandMMA- November 4, 2010 at 4:02 pm
Thats frank Lester on the right from TUF (US vs UK...aka the worst season ever).
Nealio- November 4, 2010 at 3:59 pm
Oh War Machine, I miss the days of you fighting, not licking jelly out of another dude's brownstar....
jeanclaudetransam- November 4, 2010 at 3:54 pm
Do you wanna be a fuckin Scrabble player? huh? Also, FIRST!!!!
El Guapo- November 4, 2010 at 3:49 pm
Shaving his legs makes him feel "more human and normal". Fuuuuuuck me. Has the whole world gone gay??