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War Machine Big House Blogs 5, 6 and 7: Gay Cellmates, Snitching and the Beef With Junie Browning

(War’s lucky his cellmate didn’t see his Ebay ad.)

Well, it looks like War Machine has kept true to his word that he was going to stay out of trouble while in the clink.

Detailing his last four weeks in jail, the fighter formerly known as Jon Koppenhaver avoided a brawl and had the self control to not beat his gay cellmate who insinuated that he wanted War to be his daddy.

In this packed edition of the embattled fighter’s Big House Blogs tm, the UFC outcast talks about wanting to fight fellow UFC outcast Junie Browning and snitching on some fellow inmates, which hopefully won’t get back to them like his stories of debauchery behind bars did the DA.

Here’s what Machine has been up to since the last time he checked in:

So another fake ass back stabber gets added to the list: Steve Bruno. Him and Junie Browning both have volunteered to be stepping stones on my climb back to the UFC.

On a different note, my old celly is gone. I hope he is able to stay clean and out of trouble. Funny shit is my new celly is GAY! LOL! He’s been in the same module as me the whole time but I never knew it! Now that he lives with me he knows that I’m not a homo-phobe so he told me and holy shit! You wouldn’t believe the stories. I asked him if he’s got any "action" and he’s hooked up with two guys since I’ve been here. Crazy part is one was this skinhead guy and the other a young dude who actually had a hot girlfriend, I saw her at a visit. I wonder if she knows!? Weird, I guess you never know how people are behind closed doors. It’s a trip though. Whatever, it doesn’t bother me as long as no one pulls none of that gay shit on me! lol.

What else, this big white guy came in to our module last night. Fuck man… All of us "housed" here are chill, get along great. Then once in a while we get one of these random assholes in here. They literally will be here only 2 days and almost start a riot. It took everything in me to not beat his ass! The problem was that he was disrespecting the blacks. The blacks all like me, but if they jump him all the other Whites & Mexicans are gonna jump and you have a riot. All I want to do is stay out of trouble and get on with my life so I pulled kind of a "bitch move" and let a guard know what was brewing on the D.L. You can say what you want but it solved the problem.

I’m not about to get dragged into a riot and possibly get new charges over one dumb fuck. Long story short, they moved his dumbass to a different module. Yesterday I got an e-mail from a guy in Russia! I guess someone has been translating my blogs and putting them on a Russian MMA site… Crazy! Cool as shit though! It’s neat to know my words reach so far away. So after I wrote last weeks blog, I got to thinking… I really want to help out other up and coming fighters in their quest for "making it." It’s really hard working full-time and training/fighting in the early years. So I decided to take a page out of the old Lion’s Den book and start a "Fighter House" along with my gym in Austin, TX.

Once our gym is up and running my partners and I are gonna rent a 3 bedroom house and a van in Austin. We’re gonna keep the pad stocked with basic things like eggs, oatmeal, brown rice, chicken, tuna, and bread. There will be bunk beds in each room and 2 dressers and a couch, big screen, and DVD player in the living room. We’re gonna have try-outs in the weight classes of 145-185. The 6 guys we pick will live in the pad and become a part of our team in Austin. In return, the fighters will be responsible for cleaning the gym, passing out flyers, and covering instructor’s classes when out of town. For extra $, they’ll be able to teach privates to the members/personal train them, whatever. If need be they can work a night or two at one of the local bars or something. No girls, alcohol, or drugs allowed in the house. But yeah, that’s the basic run down of things. There will be a little contract and other details still need to be worked out, but I really like the idea! We’re gonna have great trainers and a great facility, and I really hope we’ll be able to give some guys a "kick-start" into the game while building my team up at the same time. SPREAD THE WORD!

My gay cellmate is really starting to get on my nerves. Just because I don’t judge or hate him cuz he’s gay doesn’t mean I wanna hear gay remarks towards myself. I almost had to slap the shit out of him the other day, he was getting too comfortable but after putting the fear in him he’s not acting straight as can be… lol

In a different story, one of the guys here turned up in an article in the paper for an attempted kidnapping. In the spirit of keeping peace in the tank, I went up to his cell, and I told him it’d be best if he went to "PC." He told the guard that he thought he was in danger (and he was, as I could only momentarily keep fools from smashing him). The guard however blew the situation off for more than 2 hours and eventually somebody went up to his cell and beat on him. They then locked us all down & went cell to cell asking us if we saw anything. I said, "Yeah, 2 hours ago I saw him tell YOU that his life was in danger and that he needed to be moved but I guess YOU didn’t want to do your job." LOL He didn’t like that too much so it’s no wonder that when we ordered commissary that night my order was "lost" which meant no snacks all week! =(

Most all these cops here are real nice to me. I may have to change my attitude towards them, I guess after all, the majority of them just come to make a dollar. That being said though, a couple of these guys are fucking DICKS! It’s funny though, the cops that everyone hates here are cool to me, and the cops that everyone likes are dicks to me! WTF!? LOL!

Anyway, I started working out again this week. Feels kinda good but at the same time makes me miss real training. I can just imagine how rusty I’m gonna be when I get out… Ugh! Whatever though, ain’t shit but a lil’ obstacle and God knows I’ve encountered plenty of them along the way. Speaking of God and all that, I just read the book "Holy Blood, Holy Grail" I’ve always believed that the Bible was edited and certain things omitted, but wow. That book sheds a lot of light on things. With the way our modern governments twist shit and lie, it’s really no surprise that it was done then and even to a greater degree. I wonder if somewhere, maybe locked up in the Vatican, the REAL unedited Bible exists? Whatever though, at the end of the day all anyone can really do is follow their conscience. It must be there for a reason. Maybe that is the real "Bible" & it’s inside each of us. I’m willing to bet that if you follow that, any "Heaven" will let you in.

Finally had to kick my celly out. Fool got on my last nerve. And not 2 hours later, I already got a new one sent in! Ain’t that a bitch!? I HATE living with people! Fuckers always making lil’ messes, snoring, and talking. I don’t like talking all the damn time. Dudes see me reading and yet still just wanna jaw on, WTF? And I guess football season started because that’s all they show on TV now… I HATE watching sports! Especially with 40 dudes I don’t know who act like their damn brother is on the team by the way they yell & scream. I’unno. When I was a kid, I loved football, but these days I don’t even pause when I see it on TV while surfing channels. If I wasn’t trying to be a "good boy" I’d get in trouble so I could go to the "hole" for a while and relax.

Enough bitching. On a different note, I may have to change my name to Reading Machine… lol. I really enjoy it! I think it’s another thing Man is losing out on due to technology. No one really reads anymore or at least I know my friends and I didn’t. I’m gonna continue to do so when I get out. I found a bad ass author named Conn Iggulden who wrote a couple of series about Julius Caesar & Ghengis Khan. It’s "historical fiction" but doesn’t stray off the path of truth much at all. I love learning about ancient warriors. But yeah, I urge you to those books. Thanks for the continued e-mails/letters of support! I can’t wait to get out and fight for you guys again!

Finally getting back into decent shape in here. Too many weeks of eating cakes and being sedentary got me soft! LoL! Jail is so fucking BORING!! OMG! Thanks again for all the e-mails/letters. It really makes the time go by a bit smoother.

So, my module had it’s first lil’ riot this week. Whites and the Mexicans got down. I could care less about this gay jail political crap, plus I’m trying to stay out of trouble, so I backed against the wall in my fight stance. Not willing to engage but at the same time not gonna let anyone rush me. LMAO! I might as well have been a ghost! They saw me there, clear as day, but no one was brave enough to step up. Afterwards the other Whites were mad at me for not helping… I told them if they had a problem they can come to my cell. No one volunteered. I don’t need anyone to back me up and I sure as Hell am not gonna risk more trouble/time protecting some lames that I couldn’t care less about.

Anyway, I read in the paper that @jessejane is gonna be dancing at De Ja Vu on Midway in San Diego. You should go support her if you live in SD – she’s a cool ass girl.

So I’m fascinated with Ghengis Khan. I’ve been reading about him and I think he may have been the hardest mother fucker to have ever walked the earth! Boy was I screwed over to be born in this time period. Warriors are a thing of the past, no room for them these days. What a shame.

Ghengis Khan was a badass, but I’m not sure he was crazy enough to sell his own body parts. Just sayin’.

Cagepotato Comments

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download The Forex Signals for free- February 14, 2011 at 4:03 pm
I recently came accross your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I dont know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog.
Dan The Viking- October 7, 2010 at 2:52 pm
Ya, were always on our high horse preaching about the practices of war all the time we didnt take the time to try to understand where your coming from, a circus.

We are CP. And we dont like you. Unless MegaMike is Mike Tyson... then Im sorry.
MegaMike- October 7, 2010 at 2:18 pm
I agree 100%. Just seems that most of the other posters here are so full of how bad ass they think they are to understand the truth behind what you speak.
Dan The Viking- October 7, 2010 at 9:25 am
LAS posts make War's blog look like Conn Iggulden writing.

You belong around Mike Holmes waist cause your a toolbag.
Shaky- October 7, 2010 at 9:13 am
So clearly war has changed and it is sad that people get paid and sent off to kill or be killed. Not getting political here, just weird that humans haven't culturally evolved to a point where they don't want to have war.
I remember when the warrior comment first pissed me off and it was on TUF 6. Not WM but that Barrera guy. I thought, fighting in a cage is tough but not really on the same level of swinging clubs, swords, dismembered bodies, cholera, plague, typhoid, rivers of blood, raping women, burning houses full of families, more rape, more swords, some axe chopping, additional rape and then coming back home after ten years to find that all of the above had happened to your family. That is more what those warrior times were like. Not quite the same as "In the red corner.....let's get it on....fight".
Prometheus- October 7, 2010 at 8:46 am
Age 28, War Machine discovers that reading.
Jawbreaker_46- October 6, 2010 at 10:48 pm
Even if someone was desperate enough to try to buy one of this moron's organs off of EBay, something tells me that they would change their mind after meeting him. War Machine's whole purpose in life was to have that fight with J Roc, which was a fun fight to watch, but he could have died right after and nobody would have cared. I saw, I mean a friend of mine saw one of the porns he did, and he was a bad actor even for porn.... I heard, because I definitely didn't watch it.
Seoul Brother- October 6, 2010 at 7:36 pm
Remember kids, Don't feed the trolls. Soon enough, LAS will choke on his own ego.
JamesTChrist- October 6, 2010 at 5:54 pm
I know, right!? OMG, WTF? USA sux! LOLOLOLOL
DARKHORSE06- October 6, 2010 at 5:19 pm
@ Las

You again? Your comments are boring and tired. You write like a college freshman.

Go fuck yourself.
LAS- October 6, 2010 at 5:12 pm
If you fuckers are dumb enough to think that killing a bunch of militiamen in a 3rd world country during an unprovoked attack makes someone a hero, there's really nothing I can do to dissuade you. The point remains that technology has rendered the concept of the warrior by and large obsolete; yes, a miniscule fraction of armed forces members actually kill enemy combatants, albeit always through the aid of superior firepower and resources. This discourse of "heroism" and "warriors" in discussing contemporary conflict only serves obscure the brutal, inhuman, and opressive nature of war, which almost completely revolves around advanced nations using machines of war to kill member of less advanced nations, and quite often their own soldiers.

For those of you not smart enough to follow this post, I'll make it simple for you: go fuck yourself, you smug authoritarian prick.
DARKHORSE06- October 6, 2010 at 4:51 pm
I hope this dipshit get raped Oz style. Hopefully one of those Nazis dudes brands a swastika on his ass and dresses him up like little orphan annie.

CP - Is there seriously no other story you could slap up here? Whats Seth Petruzelli doing?
Patrick- October 6, 2010 at 4:02 pm
For the record, when he changed his name to War Machine he also named his penis "The Fear".
Seoul Brother- October 6, 2010 at 2:48 pm
@JamesTChrist: Absofuckinglutely. brother.

Let's not bring half-assed political bullshit into this. I think Tim Kennedy said it best. Here's a guy who is a combat decorated soldier and he takes umbrage at jagoffs who say they're a the cage.

Tim Kennedy: Green Beret, Sniper, and confirmed kills -- Warrior AND Hero

Jon Koppenhaver: briefly attended the Citadel and was expelled. Had his name changed to that of a comic book secondary character. Appeared in porn. Convicted felon. -- Douchebag.
JamesTChrist- October 6, 2010 at 2:29 pm
Your cartoon concept of a warrior hasn't been valid since the 19th century. The fact that you dehumanize the modern military by calling them a "different brand of retarded' than this poser fuck (who the comments should be aimed at), just shows your deep-seated fear of raising your hand to do something hard for your country. Dosen't mean you are wrong in your life's choices, but you have no idea of which you speak, so shut the fuck up.
Let's make fun of Wartooth, or War Monster, or whatever the fuck is his name...
RwilsonR- October 6, 2010 at 2:28 pm
@ LAS - Thank you for enlightening us about war and the concept of a warrior from your own, obviously extensive, experience. The only "brand of retarded" I see on display is your regurgitated leftist nonsense.
LAS- October 6, 2010 at 1:36 pm
I really don't understand all the people who are too dumb to get the concept of "warrior" which really hasn't been valid since the 19th century. Combat is completely impersonal these days; I'm sorry, but I don't see much to compare in two guys swinging swords at each other and two guys trading sniper shots from 300 yards (as if that is even representative of what most soldiers are doing). The vast majority of killing in the Middle East involves drone planes (not to mention enormous civilian causulties), and a scary number of our troops get killed by friendly fire (ever heard of Pat Tilman?).

Look, War Machine my be a retard, but it's just a different brand of retarded to act like warfare in the 21st century has anything to do with honor, glory, man v. man conflict, or any of that other jingoistic bullshit that the US military uses to justify colonialist excursions in to the world's various asshole parts.
Fried Taco- October 6, 2010 at 12:48 pm
"I told them if they had a problem they can come to my cell. No one volunteered."

No kidding, even the gay guy couldn't handle WM.
jeffmcbusa- October 6, 2010 at 12:39 pm
@jamestchrist: LMAO

There are plenty of warriors in Afganistan and Iraq right freakin now! Someone tell that turd that its a lifestyle usually involving clean living and strong morals that don't include sexual assault, beating up on people and getting arrested.
DangadaDang- October 6, 2010 at 12:25 pm
War Machine is a holocaust
JoseMonkey- October 6, 2010 at 12:11 pm
"I told them if they had a problem they can come to my cell. No one volunteered."

Prediction: War Machine is going to get jumped in the near future for not joining in the riot.

cecils_pupils- October 6, 2010 at 11:53 am
So when a riot between the Mexican's and White's breaks out in jail who's side is War Machine on?

Mexican's/White's: Get your ass in the fight man!
War: Nah man, I'm not Mexican or White... I'm Native American. Even changed my legal name to my tribal name War Machine.
MoTropolis- October 6, 2010 at 11:53 am
Im finding that War Machine isnt interesting to me any more if he isnt talking about fucking his buddies kids. He really peaked in that jail blog, probably shouldve saved that story for the season (sentence) finale.
Seoul Brother- October 6, 2010 at 11:00 am
@shitbag: That is entirely possible and given the UFC's odd perspectives on their own fighters, I'd have to say it's logical as well.

However it is about as probable as the Spider-Man musical NOT sucking worse than a nearsighted hooker with braces.
shitbag- October 6, 2010 at 10:52 am
Go War, read all the books you can. Here's a predicition: He ends up back in the UFC. Its a perfect story, and the UFC knows how to exploit its fighters. IF he stays out of trouble, he'll win a few and Dana & Co. will pick him up again and sell the redmeption angle.