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War Machine Big House Blogs 9 and 10: Fan Mail, Uniting Nations and Scrabble With Imaginary Fighters

("Instead of another grenade, I just wanted a huge pull-pin on this side to symbolize me blowing my own mind.")

Sometimes we get so caught up in our everyday lives that we forget about life’s little pleasures — like War Machine waxing poetically about the universe and his prison experiences.

It’s sad to say, but I’m almost more interested in reading his blog than I am watching him fight. Chalk it up to my ADHD and my fascination with Machine’s bizarre take on life, but I enjoy reading about his latest exploits behind bars.

In the latest double installment, the little scamp America fell in love with on TUF 6 when he still went by Jon Koppenhaver broaches a number of pressing issues like how he bridged his block’s racial gap, why he got thrown in segregation and couldn’t post last week and how he passes the time playing Scrabble with imaginary versions of past and present UFC fighters.

Nelson Mandela ain’t got nothin’ on War Machine.

Check out War’s latest deep thoughts and shenanigans after the jump.

Twitter Blog Week 13

I got an interesting piece of fan mail this week. The guards wouldn’t give it to me but told me what it was. It was from Canada and included a letter, a piece of gum, and a dollar bill… lol. I assume it was from a kid, I asked the guards to at least give me the letter and return address but they wouldn’t… dicks.

Anyway, I’ve noticed some changes here since when I first arrived. It used to be a lot more racially segregated. Like in the 1st couple weeks the Mexs & Whites very rarely even spoke to the Blacks and NEVER lent them things or traded with them. No Black EVER sat at another races table and we never sat at theirs. Now we always talk/B.S. with them, trade shit, and occasionally sit at one another’s tables. Every time a new person, of any race, comes into our module, at first they act all uncomfortable and try to talk about how it’s "supposed to be." Anyway, 2 days later they’re doing the same shit as we are. I can’t help but take credit for the changes! Basically, I hate all humans equally, so to me I just talk to whoever I am drawn to, if he’s Black, White, or Mex.. Doesn’t matter to me. Shit, I’d rather hang out with one cool black dude than 10 lame ass white ones, you feel me?

After some subtle suggestions to me, that I kept ignoring, I guess everyone saw it easier to follow the trend rather than try and fight me. A big part of that I’m sure has to do with the fact that I’m a fighter but also that I’m likeable and a natural leader.

I thought I was going to get my 1st write-up this week when I lost my temper and called a female guard a bitch… lol. She freaked out and had me put into an isolation cell for a couple hours but didn’t write me up, which is very surprising, but I’m thinking she decided not to because she knew she was being one! =)

Man! My body is turning to shit! If there is no reason to stay out of trouble for me more! Ugh… I swear. It’s depressing. I’ve never led such a lazy, sedentary lifestyle – it’s pathetic! Definitely reason enough to NEVER come back to jail! God, I can’t wait to train/fight again! My coach Baret Yoshida sent me his instructional book this week so I could do some "mental training," learn some new moves and shit. But I’d give anything to be allowed to train just an hour a day. So BORING! So keep the mail coming! It helps take up the time! Thanks for all the support!

Twitter Blog Week 14

I was just reading the newspaper and came across an article about lions in South Africa. It said that a place there raises lions in captivity and "hunters" from the U.S. pay $40,000 to go on the propery and kill the animals. Anyone who wastes 40 G’s to kill a defenseless lion, in a small fenced park, is a fucking scum bag. Cowards.. Prolly the same kind of guys that get drunk and start a fight and then call the cops when they lose, claiming they’ve been "assaulted." Anyone who condones hunting large game like lions or elephants can stop being my fan/friend now cuz I hate people like you.

Anyway, I had to get that off my chest, ugh. Let me tell you somethin’ funny & gross. So all these dudes in jail have those thick, nasty toe nails, the yellow ones. It’s fucking gross! But I guess when you spend most of your life in the pen you never really are clean, and that fungus goes rampid. Anyway, I’m terrified of getting that shit! Ever since I was 12 and got a case of athlete’s foot, my dad told me to pee on my feet in the shower and I’ve never gotten it since! Well in here, I’m taking it to the next level, and every other day or so I pee in a bowl in my cell, and soak my toes in it! Haha! Sounds nasty but I DGAF! I’ll kill myself if I had those nasty toe nails! UGH!

I had a new celly for a few days but he’s gone now, he was a cool guy, but I HATE having a celly! I love it when I’m alone like right now. It’s way easier to keep my cell clean and just so much better all around. Others love having a celly but I don’t understand it. I’ve always valued my time alone. I play Scrabble by myself too. I pretend I’m playing other people.. Mac Danzig beat my ass at a game last week but I creamed @bensaundersUFC! It’s funny, I’m playing vs. myself but sometimes the score is crazy lop-sided. I guess there’s a lot of luck involved with the letters you draw. Anyway, more next week. Thanks again for all the mail and gift packs – I really appreciate it! Can’t wait to get out and put on some great fights for you guys!
Jon Koppenhaver #10754342

Cagepotato Comments

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SouthAfricanMMA- October 27, 2010 at 12:26 pm
Appreciate the Mandela mention guys!
Fried Taco- October 27, 2010 at 7:49 am
I hope everyone understands that "scrabble" is a code word for "masturbate". He masturbates with imaginary fighters. Mac Danzig beat his ass, but he creamed Ben Saunders.
Mike Russell- October 27, 2010 at 5:38 am
 He writes the blogs (with a pen and paper) and gives them to a friend to post.
boober- October 26, 2010 at 10:50 pm
Is it just me or is it weird how he can't receive a letter from a fan, yet has internet access to write his stupid blogs?
itsgalf- October 26, 2010 at 9:30 pm
"I'm taking it to the next level, and every other day or so I pee in a bowl in my cell"

Hmmm, I think his old roommate was named Bowl. What a coincidence
djp1988- October 26, 2010 at 8:23 pm
Guarantee that his circle tattoo is supposed to represent a cage, but he couldn't say, spell, or describe the word "octagon".
dham4201- October 26, 2010 at 8:20 pm
natural leader? he has lost it hasn't he
fatbellyfrank- October 26, 2010 at 8:15 pm
@ El Guapo, Med rare, Spicy shit tacos are definitely a better use for your turds than rubbin it into yer crotch, if you want your crotch covered in turds, just nail some homo whose been on a crack and drinkin binge for a few days, when you pull out the old fella the contents of their guts will more than likely come with it
fatbellyfrank- October 26, 2010 at 8:12 pm
" but also that I'm likeable and a natural leader" ummmm, I'd have to say no on both points ther Mr Koppenhaver
dogpt3- October 26, 2010 at 6:48 pm
War playing scrabble against himself, I got the under on the total scores adding up to under 50
MediumRare- October 26, 2010 at 6:13 pm
El Guapo, you make a very good point. Life is full of difficult choices such as these.

For example, just this morning I encountered some fresh roadkill and had to choose between continuing on my way to work or taking the still-warm beast home to make sweet love to it and then make a stew from it.

MoTropolis- October 26, 2010 at 5:42 pm
"That tattoo represents the size of War Machine's anus by the time he gets out."

agentsmith- October 26, 2010 at 5:31 pm
That tattoo represents the size of War Machine's anus by the time he gets out.

Also, I guess this means WM doesn't wanna be friends with the newest minority owners of the UFC.
El Guapo- October 26, 2010 at 4:41 pm
Why waste (sh)it on your feet when you can make some perfectly good spicy shit tacos instead?? C'mon now, you're better than that.
MediumRare- October 26, 2010 at 4:39 pm
If pee prevents fungal infections, I bet shit works even better!

I'm gonna start smearing shit all over my feet! And all over my crotch to prevent jock itch!

Oh, this is gonna be awesome!
El Guapo- October 26, 2010 at 4:38 pm
Lyoto just tweeted "@WarMachine; LOL Piss in the toilet? As if!"
MediumRare- October 26, 2010 at 4:32 pm
I wonder if Machida drinks his pee to prevent fungal infections in his intestinal tract.
Mike Russell- October 26, 2010 at 4:25 pm
 Soaking your feet in your own piss all day seems a bit extreme, but then again, this if fucking War Machine we're talking about, not Jake Shields.
cecils_pupils- October 26, 2010 at 4:00 pm
For someone who can beat the shit outta people, War Machine sure is a pansy. Always saying shit like "So all these dudes in jail have those thick, nasty toe nails, the yellow ones. It's fucking gross!" and "I'll kill myself if I had those nasty toe nails! UGH!"

Was Machine is such a girly-girl metrosexual. He sounds like a sorority girl talking to her idiot blonde friend... OMG, LOLS, it was soooo gross, UGH!
danomite- October 26, 2010 at 3:56 pm
damnit Russell! you ruined my joke by beating me to it!
El Guapo- October 26, 2010 at 3:47 pm
^^Impeccable timing, too, seeing as how we here at CP are in the midst of a race war and all. It is, however, ironic like a motherf'kr coming from the same guy who coined the phrase "F'k an Obama".

MRuss.. Ever since the story leaked of you knocking out 10 Mounties with one liver kick, law enforcement everywhere are keeping tabs on you.
danomite- October 26, 2010 at 3:46 pm
sending goodies to War Machine in the mail isn't such a bad idea, MRuss, mind if I copy you? It's clear to me now that any man who plays scrabble with imaginary people and LOSES has lost his damned mind. This, added to the fact that he gets out in a year makes me want to give him Snicker bars so that he spares me on the inevitable rampage he will go on.
Almost North- October 26, 2010 at 3:46 pm
@MR Cause nothings safer that tripping balls in prison.....
Mike Russell- October 26, 2010 at 3:41 pm
I can't believe they wouldn't give WM the PCP-laced gum and dollar bill blotter of LSD I sent him. They must be onto the smuggling tactics thanks to his last few blogs.
MoTropolis- October 26, 2010 at 3:35 pm
Epic parenting if War Machine has a kid fan that is sending him letters in jail. Its gotta be one of his buddies kids he used to bang out. Its amazing how in jail, War Machine can be a mediator and unite all races but outside of jail, he cant even get along with homo's and pornstars.