MMA Fighter Challenges People to Punch Him in the Face, Everyone Fails

War Machine Has Big Porn Goals, Very Little Control Over The Things He Says


(The most compelling reason yet to keep your daughters out of the porn industry.)

By now you have finally begun to recover from the shock and trauma of seeing War Machine get his ass literally waxed in anticipation of his porn debut and you’ve gotten to the point where you’re beginning to ask some questions as part of the healing process.  Chances are you’re wondering things like, Is he actually getting paid for this? What safeguards are in place to ensure that he does not accidentally breed?  Does this mean War Machine already has or will soon develop a cocaine problem?

According to a recent interview, he’s not only totally serious about transitioning to an actual career in the field of fornicating on camera, he wants to be the very best on-camera fornicator, even if it means taking a step back from MMA:

My priority right now is to make good money and feed the War Machine. I’ve been fighting for seven years and MMA, I make a living but I don’t make enough money to save. I’m never going to be able to have enough to buy a house or buy a cool car. Right now, my main priority is making money. I want to do my best in the porn industry and I want to try to be one of the top, top porn guys, you know what I mean? So right now, porn is more important than MMA at the moment. I love to fight and I’m always going to fight, regardless of what happens.

In the porn, the money is very lucrative. I think from now on I’ll be focusing on the porn. I’m still going to fight because that’s my passion. I love to fight and I realized that I’ve probably blew my chances of ever going back to the UFC. But I can still main event all medium sized shows all across the country and the world. But I’m still going to fight, two or three times a year. That’s what I love to do, I love beating people up, I want to fight, I want to train, I want to get better. I’m still going to be training.

War goes on to say that a year from now he hopes to have “three more wins on my record and an AVN award for Best Up-and-Comer,” so at least the boy has some ambition.  What he seems to lack, apart from a long-term life plan, is the ability to think before he speaks.

At one point in the interview he calls Brock Lesnar “a big strong gay wrestler,” (not in the complimentary way, either) says “Cyborg” Santos is on steroids/testosterone and is therefore “a guy,” and responds to a question about the nerdiest thing he’s into by saying:

I don’t have nerdy things but I have a lot of gay things I’m into. I’m an environmentalist. I got a hybrid car. People think it’s gay, but I don’t think it’s gay. I pluck my eyebrows, shave my legs. I do a lot of gay stuff, I don’t do any nerdy things though.

I swear, the dude is like an action figure with a string that you pull when you want to hear him cobble phrases together based on a series of disconnected words he overheard on the TV in the Jiffy Lube waiting room.  It is nothing short of amazing.

With War Machine putting MMA on the back burner in order to mimic the physical act of love for a living, we have no choice but to wish him well and let him go.  God’s speed, WM.  May all your rashes be curable with a prescription ointment, and may your inevitable transition from heterosexual to homosexual porn be as smooth as your freshly waxed behind.

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Angled Dangle- November 3, 2009 at 5:37 pm
Someone should have been a blowjob instead.
UFC fan- November 3, 2009 at 3:14 pm
"LAS Says:
Tue, 11/03/2009 - 09:57

Who needs dignity when you can have a house and a cool car?"

Or... who needs a virgin asshole, when you can have a house and a car?

can you say GOATSEE in 5 months?
knee_strike- November 3, 2009 at 2:33 pm
Now that War Machine has changed careers, will he change his moniker to Dork Machine?

All joking aside, this guy is beyond pathetic. He's an embarrassment to MMA. I have young children and I want them to develop an interest in the sport. How can I do that, however, when it's associated with this kind of filth?

As a fan of MMA and a parent, I'm in a state of conflict.
Momoplata- November 3, 2009 at 2:21 pm
you can add sucking dick to your list of gay but not nerdy things you do
knee_strike- November 3, 2009 at 1:44 pm
@MachidaVsSilva
@LBo

Do you reckon "War Machine" gets dental with his new gig? How about a 401(k)? Workers' comp? Any chance there's a labor union for porn stars?
Miles- November 3, 2009 at 1:11 pm
lmao I highly doubt anyonehere is jealous of this retarded fuck. are you serious right now?
LBo- November 3, 2009 at 12:54 pm
It smells like jealousy in here. Of course he'll be making decent cash -- do you see how many of us showed up to say something? He's cashing in on his fame, and he'll make way more than the avg woodman as a result. He's a crossover celebrity for them, not some stranger off the street.

I also strongly doubt he'll be "crossing over" any further than he already has as many have suggested (to bi stuff). Again, no real return on the fighter-turned-pornstar angle, that doesn't do anything for the value proposition they'll be paying him for.

Seriously, you guys come off like bitches when you sit here and try to reaffirm your own hope he fails so you won't have to deal with the reality that this kid just chanced into probably the best gig in the world.
MachidaVsSilva- November 3, 2009 at 12:49 pm
I dunno guys. I'd probably do porn for free.
llbunbaoll- November 3, 2009 at 12:31 pm
Can someone tell War Machine that doing gay porn pays MORE than regular heterosexual porn. Please send so he doesn't have to worry about being nerdy. He's all about the paper

Fuck a pussy!
Seoul Brother- November 3, 2009 at 12:23 pm
In a bit of poetic justice, the closest War Queef Machine will come to pussy on a regular basis will be as the mop boy at a Tijuana donkey show. Either that or cleaning off the ping pong balls at a Bangkok nightclub.
Miles- November 3, 2009 at 12:05 pm
enough about war machine.. he's no longer a relevant mma fighter I don't give a fuck if he becomes a porn star. This is just a trashy article. lol

I say this because I usually respect your site but wow.
SIR HAL- November 3, 2009 at 11:43 am
war machine vs tito ortiz in the near future just as soon as he unloads a big war load inside jenna, and she takes it home to tito for desert.
831 Son- November 3, 2009 at 11:32 am
Yea sometimes these MMA sites remind me of Fox News. Irrelevant coverage of alot of various topics.
Red Baron- November 3, 2009 at 11:27 am
Corrected spelling version below...
Red Baron- November 3, 2009 at 11:25 am
Listen up WM, the reason you don't have a "cool" car and a house, is not because of the poor career choices you've made in choosing MMA over porn. My gosh, I feel like an idiot even typing that. The reason you have nothing is because you're an idiot who deserves nothing. You're a mediocre fighter at best - your biggest mistake was thinking you could make a living from that. Grow up, get a job.

Lets take a poll on how long it will be before WM plays that tough guy routine with the wrong redneck and gets his pinhead blown off.
phaderlanx- November 3, 2009 at 11:22 am
The last two paragraphs feature large amounts of win.

@ Aptninja (apartment ninja? or ... a suitable ninja?)

I award you: best response of the thread
Titos Head- November 3, 2009 at 11:09 am
Definitely gonna change his name to "Sex Machine"
SIR HAL- November 3, 2009 at 11:08 am
you don't want to post my comments then fuck you cage potato i whip your stupid ass ben.
Seoul Brother- November 3, 2009 at 11:04 am
@ CFvsCP: don't forget about Junie Browning in a wig & set of falsies.

If this guy thinks he's gonna be the best Porkswordsman, I say put him to the test. Either he's as good or better than Ron Jeremy (fat or skinny) or he has to fluff Ron Jeremy. And if he loses, he'll have to change his fight name to "Glory Hole" for obvious reasons.
Aptninja- November 3, 2009 at 10:44 am
Thank god John Koppenhaver isn't alive to see this.
TheArtof8Limbs- November 3, 2009 at 10:42 am
Who is this guy and why would I care that he's gonna be gangbanged by trannies and midgets?
steampunk22- November 3, 2009 at 10:41 am
I hope that this wasnt his plan all along. All those late night Greco Roman sessions.....

^Smitty, agreed. This kid seriously needs someone in his life to tell him what the fuck he is doing before it gets out of hand.....uhh...... more so.
Smitty- November 3, 2009 at 10:33 am
Oh war machine..............I'm just gonna pray for you.
LikeTheWhiskey- November 3, 2009 at 10:26 am
War Machine's autobiography "From MMA to MMA: Mixed Martial Arts to Man on Man Action" will be available in book stores Winter 2010
The Mad Montrealer- November 3, 2009 at 10:12 am
Is he gonna have to change his name to "Love Machine"?
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