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War Machine Survives First Week in Prison, Hopes to Avoid ‘Lame Drama’


("It’s not you, homey, I was just thinking of something funny that happened earlier." Photo courtesy of Sherdog)

Thanks to his most recent bar brawl, former UFC fighter War Machine has been keepin’ it real in San Diego Central Jail since July 16th, where he’ll be stuck for a year. (Or less, with good behavior. So probably about a year.) Luckily, that won’t stop the adult film star from updating his fans about his life and observations. Relaying messages to a friend on the outside, Machine was able to send out the following missive late last night. From WarMachine170 via MissRARA:

What’s up guys!? I’m gonna do a weekly blog for this year while I’m locked up. Just want to keep y’all posted and give you some insight on what it’s like here for me. When I first got here I was told I was gonna be kept in segregation to pretect myself since I’m a "celebrity." I told them NO WAY! 23 hours a day lockdown? FUCK THAT! So they stuck me in the "mainline." They classified me a 5 on a scale 1-6 so I’m with the big dogs. Everyone here has been to prison. Few guys in my unit are murderers waiting to be shipped out to prison for life. Funny, kinda odd, but they are the most friendly of the bunch… Most intelligent too. Hardest thing about this place is finding people you can have a decent conversation with.


So when you first get here you learn the rules, jail politics. You got the Whites, the Mexicans, and the Blacks + others. Whites and Mex share tables for recreation but you only eat show at your designated race’s table. You never sit at the Blacks table and vice-versa, but you can talk to them here in County Jail. If a Mex or White fights a Black, all the Mex and Whites are required to jump in. One on one fights are only allowed against your own race and take place in an empty cell. I think it’s dumb. I’m not trying to fight anyone and can care less abotu who fights who. I hope no big rumbles happen… I can’t afford more trouble. Buttt if you don’t help, you get jumped afterwards. Maybe I’ll just throw body shots and leg kicks so I don’t hurt anyone… Anyway so far all is well.

I’m bored a lot, just been reading and working out to stay busy. All the guys here are cool to me, I get a lot of questions about fighting. Seems everyone wants to learn some "moves." I wish we could train here, would make it way more fun… lol. So yeah, anyway I don’t see anyone fucking with ME… Only way BS goes down is if I get drug into someone elses lame drama. Well that is that! Week 1 in a nut shell. Look forward to keeping you guys updated. Can’t wait to get out and fight for all my fans again! Can’t wait to open my gym in Austin! Thanks for standing by me. If you go to sdsheriff.net you can e-mail me. Booking # 10754342 Jon Koppenhaver.

-WM

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reverse02- January 7, 2012 at 8:11 pm
phone number lookup
k-onda- July 29, 2010 at 7:14 pm
"Who really wrote it?" Yes, a good question. Well, every "celebrity" has a friend who was an English Major. War has one, obviously. Look, Paris Hilton "wrote" a book, you see? If I were War's English Major friend, I would totally portray him with the voice of an olde English poet-philosopher, but the 13 year-old summer camper with the optimistic outlook on life isn't half bad.
justscrappin- July 29, 2010 at 2:19 pm
I think I remember one of his twits saying he bleached and waxed his asshole for porn films. All I can see is some 6'6'' 400lbs black behemoth grinning from ear to ear thinking that god must have forgiven him for his sins.
2DaDeath- July 29, 2010 at 1:20 pm
The look on warmachine's face in this pic is foretelling of things to come.
mtnthc- July 29, 2010 at 12:59 pm
With any luck the next story about this douche bag will be his shanking and subsequent butt rape,...
Jord- July 29, 2010 at 12:18 pm
@davcarst: Nice Shawshank quote!
davcarst- July 29, 2010 at 11:54 am
I wish I could tell you that War Machine fought the good fight, and the Sisters let him be. I wish I could tell you that - but prison is no fairy-tale world. He never said who did it, but we all knew. Things went on like that for awhile - prison life consists of routine, and then more routine. Every so often, War Machine would show up with fresh bruises. The Sisters kept at him - sometimes he was able to fight 'em off, sometimes not. And that's how it went for War Machine - that was his routine. I do believe those first two years were the worst for him, and I also believe that if things had gone on that way, this place would have got the best of him.
cecils_pupils- July 29, 2010 at 10:47 am
"Only way BS goes down is if I get drug into someone elses lame drama."

Hey War Machine? Isn't it your buddy who threw the first punch at the bouncer and then you came running over to help? So, in actuality, it really was your bro's lame drama that you got drug into, and that got you in jail in the first place? Right?

Oh the irony...
mthomas- July 29, 2010 at 10:25 am
@Everlast66: You would think so, but the other times I've seen his Twitter bullshit posted, it was actually written in a similar coherent manner. Whatever, fuck a War Machine...doesn't mean that he's someone I would want to spend more than 5 minutes around anyway...
Everlast66- July 29, 2010 at 9:55 am
@mthomas

If you've ever seen anything actually written by him, he's just as retarded as you'd think. He obviously got this to one of his friends, who then posted it on the internet, and I'm sure that friend had to fix a lot of shit.
2DaDeath- July 29, 2010 at 9:36 am
After looking into wm's CP wiki page (fucking hilarious, efb), i had to look at other mma misfits. Lot's of good stuff, but i like this excerpt from Aleks E's wiki:

"The Grim Reaper on Emelianenko's back is really just a Grim Reaper, must you read into everything? Oh yeah, it's holding a baby. No big deal. " LOLOLOL!!!
mthomas- July 29, 2010 at 9:17 am
The thing that I find strangest about War Machine is that, for as much of a retard as he is, his spelling, grammar and punctuation is better than what you read on the web 90% of the time. The guy obviously reads a lot or had some education at one point. Three words: Poor Impulse Control...
2DaDeath- July 29, 2010 at 9:05 am
Very entertaining read. I'm looking forward to more.
Mofo- July 29, 2010 at 8:52 am
"So yeah, anyway I don't see anyone fucking with ME"

Fast forward 3 weeks:
"Okay... just... don't get it in my eye...."
El Famous Burrito- July 29, 2010 at 8:44 am
@Rex13

The CP wiki for Jon Koppenhaver/war machine is hilarious. Thanks for the reminder.
Seoul Brother- July 29, 2010 at 8:29 am
Just as much as Nick Nolte's Mugshot has a Twitter page (Nick_Nolte), we need to make one up for Good Ol' War Machine. C'mon, Potato Nation - let's make this happen!
BigCountrysCholesterol- July 29, 2010 at 8:14 am
As much as i despise crazy violent people, and as much as I think guys like War Machine give my favorite sport unwanted bad P.R., I would love to get weekly recaps of his prison life. I find that shit fascinating. That's a white middle-upper suburban childhood for ya. That said, it's all fun and games until Adabeise decides to introduce War Machine to the love snake.
itsgalf- July 29, 2010 at 7:38 am
ok cool, so there's no Asians in jail
Nealio- July 29, 2010 at 7:33 am
That in dept analysis on the sociological aspects of prison life was actually interesting. Question is, who REALLY wrote it...?
jimbonics- July 29, 2010 at 7:23 am
Oh HELL naw don't bring your shit to Austin. What the fuck.
Hum Deez Nutz- July 29, 2010 at 7:07 am
While he may not be able to work on his fighting skillz in the jailhouse, he sure as hell will master the art of gay love. His porn skillz will be unmatched once he gets outta there. War "Gay Porn" Machine!
ytrebil- July 29, 2010 at 7:03 am
War Machine needs a hand up? If you gave him a hand up, he'd stab you in the back. Look at the dude who started his porn career. He gave him a 'hand up' and got KTFO'd at a party.

I'm tempted to e-mail some spam to him. But I cba.
Viva Hate- July 29, 2010 at 6:54 am
I am tired of War Machine, hopefully he gets the royal Dahmer treatment in prison.
google- July 29, 2010 at 6:48 am
hey gambling addiction enabler, whats the over and under for him getting his shit pushed in?
Indica- July 29, 2010 at 6:46 am
Word on the street is he is currently in production for his latest porno flick.

"War Machine: Starfish Sucker Punch"
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