(Fuck a body-cavity search. Props to TMZ.)
More details about War "Jon Koppenhaver" Machine’s weekend arrest, from everybody’s favorite online gossip rag that occasionally covers UFC fighters, TMZ:
With a name like
War Machine, what do you expect to happen?
Former "Ultimate Fighter" badass Jon Koppenhaver, who goes by the aforementioned MMA nickname, was picked up by Las Vegas PD for misdemeanor battery Saturday morning after allegedly getting into a tussle at
Krave Nightclub — a place described by one of their reps as "gay … but very straight-friendly."
Cops tell TMZ security at Krave was escorting War Machine out of the club after a little brouhaha — when he allegedly turned on security and starting punching them. Security made a citizens arrest until Las Vegas PD could show up.
Perhaps the club was a little too straight-friendly. (Or not friendly enough?) Who knows. What you should really be concerned about is the fact that he had access to a computer the day after his arrest. After the jump, Machine turns to his trusty blog — perhaps the only constant in his life — to give us a little insight on what might have set him off in the first place.
From War Machine’s private MySpace page via AroundTheOctagon.com:
Last night an hour or so into going out I attempted to take a picture with a friend. The person that was taking it kept saying, “Do another one it’s blurry” this happened 4 times. Finally I was like “wtf, lemme see” Each picture was the same. The ENTIRE photo was crystal clear except my face was completely blurred. I mean you could see my neck, my shoulders, the background and he was perfect but yet in EVERY pic my face was totally blurred. It was like some shit out of a horror movie…it gave me a really eerie feeling….I thought I might die that night or something. I should have followed my gut and went home, but I didn’t. So anyway long story short I had a fucking HORRIBLE night. Really, it was beyond horrible. I’m not going to get into details but looking back on the entire night it makes the whole photo thing seem that much weirder. I dunno what it could have been….I almost think it was a ghost, most likely my father, that was sending me a sign. Sounds funny but I’m serious.
What else could explain all four of those pics?
WM
If his father actually was trying to send War a sign, it was probably something along the lines of "Don’t accept drinks from tall women with big hands." Anyway, we’ll let you know when War Machine has to face a judge for his latest fiasco. As we mentioned before, he’s already on probation for this little misunderstanding, so an extended stay behind bars seems very likely.
Tangentially related: Have you guys heard this shit about Chris Brown beating the crap out of Rihanna? Apparently the singer/dancer/worthless coward gave her a couple of Brandon Wolff-style hematomas, among other gruesome injuries. As TMZ reports:
One of the law enforcement people put it this way — the contusions "look like an MMA fighter or something … [It] looked like she was growing devil’s horns."
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Comments
Tue, 02/10/09 - 07:00
wait...he doesnt think...that is why he is WAR MACHINE!!!!!!!!!!!
Tue, 02/10/09 - 07:06
He was busted at a Gay club? Hahahahaha!!!! Thats just awesome! I just keep thinging of the Blue Oyster from Police Acadamy.
Tue, 02/10/09 - 07:06
I know WAR was gay... All of that anger and denial have been building up! This explains a lot! What does War Machine and horses have in common??? HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!
Tue, 02/10/09 - 07:07
OH and Chris Brown is a jackass... dude that chick is fine! Guess he can also say good by to his career!
Tue, 02/10/09 - 07:09
its a sad sad day when security guards can detain a proffesional MMA fighter. i guess hes getting dropped left n right, maybe hes just a dumbass w tatoos and a nickname
Tue, 02/10/09 - 07:09
First...what was he thinking?
Tue, 02/10/09 - 07:10
Pics or it didn't happen.
Tue, 02/10/09 - 07:14
Chris Brown probably hurt his hand punching that forehead of Rhianna. You could watch a drive-in movie on that thing.
Tue, 02/10/09 - 07:14
Hey prison mates...see the tattoos? They mean I am tough and that I stick to my morals. My prison number #021345 is crap. I will be changing it to 666. Just so you know I am also gay and will be picking a bitch pronto. I am tough, I am inked and I like buttsecks. Any questions? Ok you, the black gut in the back row....am I racist? No I hate Obama and i'm an anarchist. Any other questions...yup, ok the snowman in the back...Oh hey Jeff!...am I really an anarhist? Duh, do you see this grenade on my neck?...DO YOU SEE THIS GRENADE ON MY NECK? Ok no more stupid questions. Anyone wanna trade a potato for some carrot sticks?
Tue, 02/10/09 - 07:15
Direct Order---- LEAVE WAR MACHINE ALONE!!! War was just going to that gay bar to clean out all the "slack jawed faggots" in there, just like Blaine would do in "Predator"! Too bad he tripped over some guys painted toenail and the scrawny flamer bouncer got him in a sleeper hold. Don't worry, War, go to jail, do your time, get your anus attacked, and then go back there for REVENGE!
Tue, 02/10/09 - 07:16
Dear War Machine, Your life is a waste, please take this razor and go have a nice warm bath. Please.
Tue, 02/10/09 - 07:18
Dammit son, I thought I told you not to hang out at that Krave place with War Machine.
Tue, 02/10/09 - 07:20
Hope brown ends up in State penn pound me in the ass prison, i'm sure rich wife beater celebrities are treated real well.
Tue, 02/10/09 - 07:20
War Machine needs his own show on VH1...sort of like Danny Bonaduci. Not for nothing, but his antics (as silly as they are) are pretty damn funny to those sitting back and watching the old telly for some entertainment.
Tue, 02/10/09 - 07:21
lmfao @ canproduce.
Tue, 02/10/09 - 07:21
Perhaps his father was telling him to get the hell out of the gay club!
Tue, 02/10/09 - 07:22
first bobby, now chris. u can't trust those damn brown boys.
Tue, 02/10/09 - 07:24
whoa whoa whoa its one thing to poke fun at someone for being a jack ass of all trades, its another to encourage them to commit suicide mucho's take it easy
Tue, 02/10/09 - 07:25
That's it guys, keep on making fun of War. If the truth be known, War was cleaning house in that gay bar, until some guy fondled his meat log in the melee. War got distracted as his sausage responded and started to throb. It was only THEN that the bouncers tackled him for the cops. If that one skinny gay guy hadn't stroked him, War would have beaten the crap out of everyone there! Go WAR!!!
Tue, 02/10/09 - 07:26
To be fair, the fact that he was at a gay bar doesn't automatically mean he's gay... but come on, look at that photo. Fuck a gay bar!
Tue, 02/10/09 - 07:29
its the neverending stooooooorrrYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY OOOOooooOOOOO OOOOOoooooOOOOO OOOOOoooooOOOOO.... the neverending stooooooorrrYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
Tue, 02/10/09 - 07:31
One time while waiting in line outside a pub, the guy behind me struck up a conversation with me... he mentioned that he'd been to one of the local gay clubs recently and that he'd gotten his ass kicked there. "Don't think they can't fight just because they're fags," he said. "They'll kick your ass just like anybody else." Wise words, sir... wise words.
Tue, 02/10/09 - 07:34
Ugh, WM is now the most famous Mixed Martial Artist in America...
Tue, 02/10/09 - 07:34
I hear in prison an "Upper Decker" is when someone shits in your mouth.
Tue, 02/10/09 - 07:39
I find it amusing that bouncers from a GAY club were able to restrain War Machine.
Tue, 02/10/09 - 07:42
Because all gay people suck at fighting? What about Jackson's camp?
Tue, 02/10/09 - 07:43
I hate that you all pick on War Machine. I would love the chance to turn him from gay back to straight. First, I would nibble on that nub growing out of his left ear. Then, I would put a massive hickey right in the middle of his hand grenade. I bet War can ram his hips faster than a rivet gun. I think you all pick on him because you are all JEALOUS of him.
Tue, 02/10/09 - 07:47
What a fucking Dipshit
Tue, 02/10/09 - 07:50
Eat the cake Ellie May...Eat the cake!!
Tue, 02/10/09 - 07:54
I have a good one for you... A friend of mine use to always tell a story of when he was in the Navy. In the Navy, he says, they were somewhere over in an english speaking area, and they thought it would be funny to jump this guy they saw at the bar. Apparently it wasn't just a normal guy, but a guy dressed up as a chick. So, the story goes, he and two of his buddies were waiting out in an alley way to jump him while friend number 3 moves in to tempt him out. The way he put it was he was trying to request oral pleasure, and the cross-dresser gladly accepted to be the giver. When they got into the alley, one of the Navy guys superman punched the cross-dresser in the side of the head. When the he/she hit the ground, he looked up suprised, then smiled and said "Oh you're in trouble now. Theres only thing I like more than s*ckin d*ck, and that is fightin!" and proceeded to whoop on all four of them severely. They never spoke to each other after that night about the incident. But after he first told us the story the saying has always stuck "Hey do you want help me change my oil / whatever" "There's only one thing I like more than changing oil / whatever!" Enjoy.
Tue, 02/10/09 - 07:55
Wow Kadumel, so I guess TUFGuy really is a good fighter then!
Tue, 02/10/09 - 07:58
@ ouch that hurts of course...
Tue, 02/10/09 - 07:59
^ EPIC BURN +2 INTERNETS SIR
Tue, 02/10/09 - 08:01
The story is probably untrue. War Machine states he was "with a friend", which I can't fathom. Seriously though, the bouncers probably got him in a guillotine choke and then he had more visions from his father.
Tue, 02/10/09 - 08:01
Bens, 2 of the last four articles are about War Machine. I repeat, 2 of the last 4 articles are about War Machine. " Oh great another WM arty...skipped. Clementi is gone huh. He never should have taken that fight with Gray, wait... WTF!?! Another update on WM...GDI!" I tell you what, I will make you guys a shirt that reads, "Remember War Machine" and you can win it by never, ever, placing another article about him on your website. You will be the biggest hit at the MMA shows with your one of a kind Remember Classic Tee. Now get busy putting up articles about anything but War Machine and hopefully you will win!
Tue, 02/10/09 - 08:07
J-Roc runs the security at that place, that is how they were able to make that citizens arrest....and if you beleive that I also know a story about 18 navy men who got beat up by a cross dresser in "an english speaking area." enjoy.
Tue, 02/10/09 - 08:08
@ HF The first part of your comment was pretty lame but the 2nd half actually made me crack up. Good save.
Tue, 02/10/09 - 08:14
WAR Machine, you can't go on political rants with a Cock in your mouth. So, you know where to put it. Don't you.
Tue, 02/10/09 - 08:16
Nice picture. I guess that cauliflower ear is the result of a tragic tea-bagging accident. Oh, and speaking of pictures. Those spooky photos aren't a sign from your father, War. That's just Evan Tanner's way of telling you that you are, and always will be, a colossal douche bag.
Tue, 02/10/09 - 08:16
I wonder how long until people realize that War Machine doesn't actually exist? He's just made up person that's part of a long running gag on CagePotato.
Tue, 02/10/09 - 08:22
In a surprise move intended to prove his heterosexuality, War Machine calls Josh Thompson out in a naked grappling match.
Tue, 02/10/09 - 08:23
Haha, made you look!
Tue, 02/10/09 - 08:29
war machine and chris brown are alike: if the b*tch ain´t obeying, beat the crap out of her, only war machine tried to beat the crap out of him... hope they both will be "sh*t pushed in" a lot in county jail...
Tue, 02/10/09 - 08:30
9 posts for fedor a million.... You must have a tight grip on WM's nuts boy.
Tue, 02/10/09 - 08:47
LOL @ all the referees that are poping up all over Cage Potato. Look at this poor little soul "Fedor" , like a little middle school girl trying to fit in HAHAHAHA what a pathetic sad little man Thank god for people like you though, I mean who else would we send to 7-11 on hot summer days to pick up drinks while we're playing basketball. Kadumel - "ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS" told you that story, riiight. Your homosexual tendencies, the Navy, your name... they all point to you being the guy that went into the gay club and got his ass handed to him HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH And also, please notice how many "TUF Guys Dad" are poping up, trying their shot at a free Cage Potato shirt. HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA I own this site, not Ben, but ME! If it wasn't for me, this site would be over-run by homoerotica, bukakee, and old fags telling lame ass jokes, stories or both. Bow down idiots and pay your respect! PS: Serb Guy never showed up at the gym :'( He had to work overtime in Taco Bell , or so I hear
Tue, 02/10/09 - 08:52
It's all fun and games until someone gets fucked in the ass.
Tue, 02/10/09 - 08:58
Shut up son.
Tue, 02/10/09 - 08:59
I would love to see the scene when the cops show up and ask him his name, and after about an hour of arguing they finally realize he is not fucking with them and that his real name is actually War Machine.
Tue, 02/10/09 - 09:00
I don't think I ever said anything about a gay club. I thought I used the word bar. Hmm.. Guess TUF Guy is failing out in his reading class too. TUF Guy honestly, I feel sorry for you. I really do wish I would have never see your Myspace, I always envisioned some roided out freak that was definitely at least bigger than me. But obviously, that isn't the case. Hush, my son...
Tue, 02/10/09 - 09:03
Is it really a surprise that he is gay, don’t forget this is the guy that burst into tears when he won his octagon debut
Tue, 02/10/09 - 09:04
he only went there to get his name changed to sex machine
Tue, 02/10/09 - 09:04
TUF Guy Reading your posts is like being bukkaked with stupid.
Tue, 02/10/09 - 09:04
Damn tuf guy really goes for the throat. If I was ever that good at being a troll, I'd put it to better use than the comments section here. Friends? You actually think Ihave friends? What an idiot. And it's not my fault that CP puts shit up about war machine during my cage potato surfing prime time... I think they do it to punish us for posting stupid comments.
Tue, 02/10/09 - 09:05
armfarmer Says: Tue, 02/10/2009 - 09:04 TUF Guy Reading your posts is like being bukkaked with stupid. Truer words have never been spoken!
Tue, 02/10/09 - 09:08
chris brown is 100% not out of line for beating the piss out of her. she cheated on him and gave him herpes! tell me you wouldnt slap a bitch for getting your 20 year old, rich as hell manhood all bumpy from those herps.
Tue, 02/10/09 - 09:30
He would of been a perfect cast for the movie "Burn after Reading".
Tue, 02/10/09 - 09:33
Armfarmer for the win!
Tue, 02/10/09 - 09:34
I’m sure when he was typing his blog he slipped up a few times like: “Fuck an Obama”, “Fuck a McCain, “I want to Fuck Clay Aiken”, “Opps… I should really backspace that last one.”
Tue, 02/10/09 - 09:41
LOL at TUF gays' myspace...
Tue, 02/10/09 - 09:52
Hey think of the positive, maybe War Machine will get a better nickname in prison and then he'll legally change his name (again). Imagine how much tougher he would sound with a name like 'Dave'
Tue, 02/10/09 - 09:53
hey you have to give it to tuf gay he never resorts to lame tactics like giving himself props with other names (as a lot of you do and it is obvious) he has been holding his own against the whole CP community since forever and even though we won a few battles, he's still winning this war just due to the fact of how many people he pisses of on a daily basis, and I don't think it's phasing him at all the only way to beat tuf gay is to ignore him but as long as we got these dumbwits like Kadumel, Fedor, Aaron (and the entire CP community) that keep addressing him he will keep winning. I am not trying to start any problems here, but enough is enough and you morons just have to let it go. Just laugh or shake your head at his comments and move on until then, he really does own a part of your life
Tue, 02/10/09 - 09:54
Now THERE'S a guy who uses vasoline!
Tue, 02/10/09 - 09:55
One too many white wine spritzers for Mrs. Machine, eh?
Tue, 02/10/09 - 09:56
Hey Billy Bad Ass is back... how was fat camp?
Tue, 02/10/09 - 09:58
I want to thank everyone for explaining themselves... I really didn't read any of it but at least you got it of your chest. Just don't wipe your tears with your hands, you might get some of that cheetos dust in your eye HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA
Tue, 02/10/09 - 09:59
Hey Billy I porked your mom, that's how she paid for the camp LOL
Tue, 02/10/09 - 10:02
Basically the more you type in regards to Tuf Guy, the more he wins. So John rambo just got his ass kicked. I could do a way better job of doing what Tuf Guy does. He's crafty, but there's only so much crafty you can fit into a small gay man's body.
Tue, 02/10/09 - 10:04
Tuf Guy, Your are the John Koppenhaven of these posts. You should really look into having a cool blog with all your cool opinions. Who knows, people might actually subsrcribe to your comedy. Your a fag by the way
Tue, 02/10/09 - 10:23
I apologize for my son's behaviour. He forgot to take his Meds this morning.
Tue, 02/10/09 - 10:36
NO DADDY NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Tue, 02/10/09 - 10:38
I hear for Affliction 3 it's going to be War Machine vs. Chris Brown in a daddy-issues beat down/group cry challenge match.
Tue, 02/10/09 - 10:38
THIS is why we have to get all that faggity ground humping out of MMA. BJJ is code for "I lie on my back with my legs spread and invite you to mount me".
Tue, 02/10/09 - 10:40
Chris Brown is probably gonna make an apologetic album/song, but a wiser career choice would be to go Gangsta. "Cause you know C Brown don't love them Ho's, just like I punched Rihanna in her big ass nose"
Tue, 02/10/09 - 10:51
I think His Father jerked off in a flower pot and raised a blooming Idiot!
Tue, 02/10/09 - 10:52
I guess the story about WM getting punked by some teenage girl in the parking lot was not as good as the truth. Damn, damn, damn.....
Tue, 02/10/09 - 10:56
and about that Chris Brown guy... My dad always told me, "Son, no matter how beautiful that gal may look, somewhere theres a man thats fed up with her bullshit." Thanks Pop
Tue, 02/10/09 - 11:17
Fuck a judge
Tue, 02/10/09 - 11:19
God, you can make a friggin' TV show outta that War Machine myspage quote. Some superhero shit he's got going on.
Tue, 02/10/09 - 11:20
In War Machine's defense, that bartender totally fucked up his cosmo. Now he's going to have a cauliflower anus to match his ear.
Tue, 02/10/09 - 11:36
agentsmith Says: Tue, 02/10/2009 - 11:20 In War Machine's defense, that bartender totally fucked up his cosmo. Now he's going to have a cauliflower anus to match his ear. agentsmith FTW!
Tue, 02/10/09 - 11:45
I've heard the same thing: don't start shit at a gay club. Because those guys work out a lot, and many have had to deal with trouble before. And there is nothing more embarassing than getting your ass whooped by a queen.
Tue, 02/10/09 - 11:53
What do you tell a female pop star with two gross hematoma on her forehead?
Tue, 02/10/09 - 01:03
Jon Koppenhaver: "Fuck a War Machine" Prison Inmate: "Will do!" Jon Koppenhaver: "Yay!"
Tue, 02/10/09 - 01:46
Son... you're going to Hell for being such a Homo...I should have guessed this when you were young and starting rolling around with older boys on the floor, that's why I made sure you ended up in jail. You needed a good anal intrusion to make you see the light. May God Bless you my son. See you in Jersey!
Tue, 02/10/09 - 01:57
I totally called he was gay what a faggot
Tue, 02/10/09 - 04:22
Hmm, War Machine arrested at a gay club. Too bad we can't call this one "Lubrigate" now.
Tue, 02/10/09 - 04:42
That's a pretty gay mugshot.
Tue, 02/10/09 - 06:23
Fuck an Obama.
Tue, 02/10/09 - 07:33
LOL @ armfarmer's comment. That was a good one. I think responding to tuf gay is a waste of time but that was funny anyway.
Tue, 02/10/09 - 07:48
More like Sex Machine! conquer me alpha male!
Wed, 02/11/09 - 08:14
What can I say, the gays must really love that fetus that was WM's left ear. It made them go into a flaming frenzy. He just had to fend for himself.
Wed, 02/11/09 - 12:34
he would be the first pick in the 2009 death pool
Wed, 02/11/09 - 12:41
Tuf Gay is war machine's tiny ballsack.
Wed, 02/11/09 - 09:51
In further news, Rihanna has been dropped from the UFC after her latest loss, a tapout due to strikes from Chris Brown at UFC 95: Irrelevant. However, Bobby Brown had another successful title defense against Whitney Houston... urine tests pending.
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