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War Machine’s Big House Blog Number Three: Murderers, Moonshine and Mexican Mr. Magoo


("Screw you, society. Jail ain’t so bad after all.")

Considering I also picked Chael Sonnen to win Saturday night, I got an eerily similar empty feeling when I read War Machine’s latest "Big House Blog" and learned that my proclamation that he wouldn’t get through three weeks without getting into some kind of tomfoolery didn’t come to fruition.

I thought for sure that  alcohol+War Machine = spitbag and handcuffs, but apparently the fighter formerly known as Jon Koppenhaver has matured behind bars and instead of scrapping anyone and everyone after consuming his IQ in Jagerbombs, he has taken to sipping his toilet wine while engaging in stimulating conversation with murderous Somalian Muslims.

Who knew jail would have such a good influence on War?


Here’s the wacky tale of War Machine’s third week in jail:

"First off I wanna thank all of you that have been writing to me. I have been getting mail from as far away as Russia and Australia! It’s neat to know my career has brought attention to me from so far away.
I had my first scare this week. I was laying in my bunk when a neighbors "fishing line" hit my door and got stuck beneath it. I got up to free it (half tube toothpaste attached to string), and it broke, leaving it with me. When I looked into the tube it was filled with what I’m pretty sure was drugs. The lights were dim and I just assumed my initial presumption was correct. I kinda panicked and just kept picturing guards coming into my cell and busting me. I wondered how many extra years I’d get… Anyway, I hid it in my trash and waited ’til breakfast with crossed fingers. As soon as our doors "popped" in the AM, I went to the inmate whom the line belonged to and told him "It’s in my trash, go grab it." He said, "It’s cool, I have more." I told him that I didn’t wanna get busted and I don’t do drugs anyway, and he started laughing. I guess they use crumbled soap bars to weigh down the tubes of toothpaste… LOL! Fuckin scared the shit outta me for NO REASON!!
What else… Oh shit. I tried some prund! Basically jail moonshine, they make it from fermented fruit, sugar, and water. It takes like 5 days and tastes like some fucked up wine but hey =)
I had a very good conversation with a Somalia born Muslim named "50." I think he’s a "blood" anyway, he just got sentenced to life for some murders he was accused of. Anyway, he’s actually a very intelligent guy. Real nice too. I feel bad for this guy, real bad. I get to meet the man and see the pictures of his children. He’s a human, not a monster. He was telling me how the media portrayed his case and utilized our nations preconceived notions and prejudice to convict him instead of the facts. They painted him as a "Somalian" and a "Muslim" even though his family immigrated here to escape all that and are proud American citizens now. Thinking on it, he’s right. I myself would judge him on it, I know my SEAL friends would too. Shit, I think just a few months ago I tweeted something about how I hated "nasty Muslims." I never even had a clue as to what they believe until he explained it to me. It really opened my eyes. I think all Americans born and raised here are just as brain washed as me and my friends. We all need to question what we hear in the media and what our government tries to program us with. We need to stay open minded.
New Subject… Still smooth sailing in regards to trouble. I think being a pro fighter/athlete is really turning out to be a plus in here. The guards are courteous to me and I get a lot of respect from inmates. They all really would rather just ask me shit and everyone keeps saying they’re gonna go to Undisputed when they get out and I hope they do. We can always need more members and these guys could use a positive hobby. Oh shit, and I almost forgot..
We got some weird old Mexican dude here and he says he’s an Army Ranger Sergeant out of Texas who was sent to CA to investigate the police here and their involvement in the 911 Terrorist Attack and when he tried to arrest a cop, the other cops jumped him and put him here… Too bad he’s like 55, fat, and looks like Mr. Magoo!! HAHA!! Crazy fucker! I think he’s just scared here so he made that story up to sound bad ass… Anyway, just thought I’d share that funny tid bit."

Editor’s note: I take it WM isn’t concerned that any of the jail officials might read his blog and find out about any of the inner-workings of their prison…

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Anzus- August 10, 2010 at 8:36 pm
@DARKHORSE06, the chances of a plane 'landing three feet under my house, piloted by a little hadji dude' have actually increased since you were sent over 'to stomp ass' on behalf of me. You haven't made anyone living in a Western democracy safer you've made it worse - London bombings, Bali bombings, Madrid bombings, Mumbai attacks etc - all a direct result of support for US militarism in Afghanistan and Iraq.

If these people are so afraid of progress then please explain to me how the fuck it is possible for them to make the greatest military force the world has ever seen look like a bunch of dipshits? they aren't throwing rocks and swinging sticks like you seem to be implying - they are adapting to new tactics, using the internet for propaganda recruiting sleeper cells in western countries - all of which require a relatively high amount of technological sophistication.

Turkey, Indonesia and Northern Lebanon are good examples of progressive Muslim democracies. The difference between these countries and Iran, Iraq, Saudi Arabia, Syria etc is natural resources. The British and French often brutally colonised counties in the Middle East and raped them of there mineral and cultural wealth. After the second world war the dynamics changed and the US took over the role - as it does to this day. Basically what I am saying is your assertion that Middle Eastern people are afraid of progress is absolute bullshit, along with the whole 'clash of civilizations' theory. anyone with an inkling of world history understands that east and west/Islam and Christianity are symbiotic - ever heard of the dark ages? we'd still be in them now if Muslim scholars hadn't preserved the works of the great Greek and Roman thinkers - We wouldn't have democracy or philosophy, we wouldn't of had the enlightenment period in Europe which lead to the development of human rights and the abolition of slavery etc. The most obvious example I can think of to disprove your 'scared of progress theory' is Dubai - possibly the most futuristic city in the world, a financial services hub slowly moving away from dependence on a finite natural resource - you cant get much more progressive then that.

I apologise for my earlier aggression - you're obviously not as much of a fuckwit as I thought earlier despite the fact you still resorted to calling me a fag.
Charming Charlie- August 10, 2010 at 11:11 am
It's not MMA news just because it involved a person who fought MMA matches before.
thenutman69321- August 10, 2010 at 9:03 am
What an idiot. Does he not think jail officials are reading this? Oh and it's called pruno not prund and it's a big deal in jail and you'll get in a lot of trouble for it, it also is fucking disgusting but it'll do if you don't wanna pay the outrageous prices in jail for drugs.
k-onda- August 10, 2010 at 7:52 am
First thing's first - HAHAHAHA!!!
Now, I don't understand why he's all "open-minded" about the muslim blood, but can't see what the mexican ranger is all about.
Also, can you just imagine this guy when he converts to Islam? What'll we call him? Ali-Machine-X, or some shit is guess.
CP, I gotta say your 3 week prediction was predicated on a "normal crazy human's" chances in prison, this is a "bonkers War Machine" we're talking about here, and for this guy, going to prison is like going home to catch up with the family. Remember, War Machine accuses society of being crazy. This guy wishes Mad Max was real, enough said.
Anzus- August 10, 2010 at 7:33 am
Shit, I cant help myself.

@ccman:

A. that's a massive generalisation. It is essentially the equivalent me saying there are Christian extremists in the US therefore most Christians in the US are extremists. There may be elements of Christian extremism in the US but I acknowledge that not all US Christians are bad, in fact most of them are good people - I apply the same rule to Somali Muslims, Uzbekistanis and Sri Lankan Tamils - whoever the fuck it doesn't matter.

B. Who cares if he becomes a Muslim? from what I understand it takes a fuck load of patience, perseverance and education, all of which if developed further, would be invaluable to someone with War Machines track record.
MMA_Hole- August 10, 2010 at 7:14 am
You know you're an asshole when you post in a War Machine thread and you're the ignorant one.
ReX13- August 10, 2010 at 7:09 am
Ok:

**Did we ban Mr Machine? I know someone always makes the motion to begin the formal proceedings, but we always seem to table it. For the record, i'm interested in this chapter of his life.

**Corrections personnel usually know most of what goes on in their prison. Unfortunately, prisoners always know everything.

**dedflesh: Pruno is made in garbage bags. +1

**I've been to the middle east, and i've met/talked to a few american muslims as well. Breaking news: not all muslims are crazy terrorist freedom-hating american blow-up'ers.

**WM wanted to join the SeALs when he was a kid. He went to the Citadel, assumably to work toward that, but he got kicked out.



ccman- August 10, 2010 at 6:50 am
A. somali muslims tend toward the extreme variety so yeah just throwin that out there.

B. I refer back to my prediction WM exit speach includes the phrase 'praise allah' and he suddenly believes the us govt is satan trying to oppress minorities like him.
Viva Hate- August 10, 2010 at 6:29 am
This new guest columnist who calls himself War Machine is awesome! You should hire him for weekends and get rid of the weekends guys MRuss and Rex, they suck. HA!!
Anzus- August 10, 2010 at 5:46 am
ahh fuck it I was going to write some long winded explanation but I wont bother. I'm not Muslim and I'm not Canadian. I feel sympathy for War Machine (I feel ridiculous writing that) because he's a young guy in the spot light who from a young age has trained in martial arts and probably suffers from some kind of hyper active condition or some shit. Combine this with alcohol and you have trouble. Where I'm from this kind of thing happens a lot with football players and whatnot. Some people can handle the spotlight others fuck up. But he is paying for it big time. Also, if he comes alright then their may yet be hope for the judicial/prison systems. pfew that was long winded after all.
Anzus- August 10, 2010 at 5:22 am
here we fucking go.
ytrebil- August 10, 2010 at 5:18 am
Compassion you say?

"@DARKHORSE06, shut the fuck up you bigoted fuckwit.... you fucking idiot."

And yeah, you say, "you should try it some time" like it's some kind of dig at me. I was only asking why you'd care about someone like War Machine who has had a lot of good opportunities and seems to have pissed them all away and is now in prison. I was only wondering where you were coming from.
eatSHITdie- August 10, 2010 at 5:06 am
@Anzus
You must be muslim or canadian or both. Either way start from the begining of my handle and work your way to the end being very careful to follow the instructions to the letter.
Anzus- August 10, 2010 at 4:32 am
@ytrebil, I reckon its a combination of compassion and taking an interest in the world around me. you should try it some time. This is an MMA forum, I have already detracted from the story enough, lets move on.
ytrebil- August 10, 2010 at 4:01 am
Anzus, why do you care?
Anzus- August 10, 2010 at 3:26 am
@LAS, I'm a first time poster long time lurker. This time I couldn't let that moron have his rant published without some kind of rebuttal.


War Machine may come across as a fucking idiot but at least he seems willing to step into the others shoes, a pretty admirable attribute in my book. I hope he truly is reformed after this stint and can get his life back on track (even if that means a life of pornography and cage fighting - to each his own).
ytrebil- August 10, 2010 at 1:49 am
It smells like bigfoot's dick.
Almost North- August 10, 2010 at 12:45 am
This thread is starting to smell like Canada.
LAS- August 9, 2010 at 11:05 pm
@Anzus

Thank you for saving the rest of us the trouble. It's nice read comments on an MMA fan site where the people who aren't functionally retarded don't have to fight upstream.
Anzus- August 9, 2010 at 8:47 pm
@DARKHORSE06, shut the fuck up you bigoted fuckwit. there are over 1.5 billion Muslims in this world - they don't just live in Iraq and Afghanistan you fucking idiot. Keep telling yourself that those women and children being murdered in cold blood every day are willing combatants in a 'religious war' if it helps you sleep at night, The rest of the world see's it for what it is - a super power imposing its will on a nation of peasants, a really fucking noble cause.
Fedor- August 9, 2010 at 8:40 pm
Shut up DARKHORSE06 you're a douchebag, fag!
BeastUnleashed- August 9, 2010 at 8:00 pm
Keep yo head up homie. I am gonna pour some alcohol for you right now. Also keep these posts coming War Machine is the best fighter ever.
CapitalQ- August 9, 2010 at 7:55 pm
^^^^^ Then don't read it. Simple.
DARKHORSE06- August 9, 2010 at 6:05 pm
This dumb fuck. I would invite him or anyone else thinking Muslims are all happy go lucky to move to Afghanistan or Iraq. Ive been to both and can without a doubt confirm that they are from another planet. If he doesnt believe we are in a religious war they are wrong, because the Iraqis / Afghanis / Insert Middle East Shit Hole here, all believe we are in a religious war. When this dipshit gets out he needs join the Taliban / AQ in Afghanistan and become one with that target rich environment.

Oh and what SEAL guy would hang with this fuck stain?
DARKHORSE06- August 9, 2010 at 5:59 pm
Oh and why did you post this guys shit. It just pisses me off.
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