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War Machine’s Big House Blogs Are All Caught Up and They’re as Crazy as Ever


(There better be a follow-up series of blogs that follow War AFTER he’s released so we can see how disconnected from society he’s become.)

If you’ve been following the trials and tribulations of War Machine in county jail, you know that his friend on the outside who was posting his blogs let them lapse for a while and is now playing catch-up. Well, the blogs are finally up to date and unfortunately for fans of the weekly journals of one of the greatest minds of our generation, the fighter formerly known as Jon Kopenhaver only has 12 weeks remaining on his one-year sentence for assault.

Rather than post the remaining few entries verbatim, we’ve decided to print just the meat and potatoes of the blogs to get you up to date with the shenanigans WM has gotten into the past few weeks.

Check out the highlights:

WEEK 37 – APRIL 2, 2011

“F-U-C-K basketball! For the past couple weeks that’s all they’ve been playing on the TV! BORING ass sport! puts me in a bad mood… ugh. Speaking of bad moods, I stubbed my toe the other day bad! It was bleeding and hurts all day! Now it’s oozing thin yellow puss! Gross, prolly got gangrene or some shit, fuckin’ toe is gonna fall off. On a positive note, I only have 3½ months left!!! =) Oh and check out this weirdness, for the last 3 or 4 days my piss has smelled just like that cologne “Safari.” … LMAO! WTF!? My dad used to wear it sometimes, I hated it… Anyway, I just thought I’d share that unexplained phenomena.”

“Anyway, solitary and the boredom that comes with it is funny. You find ANYTHING to do to take up time, even 2 minutes. As you’ve prolly seen on TV, people in jail make “fishing lines” to pass things along the tier to one another’s cells. So if I wanna borrow a magazine from a neighbor, I’ll fish my line to him and he’ll tie on the mag. so I can pull it back. If there happens to be a person in the day room and he sees me fishing it he’ll ask if I want him to just grab it for me but I’ll say no, just cuz I relish that minute distraction from the day. Another example is coffee, I hate coffee unless it’s half milk and sugar. Now, the past 3 weeks, I’m drinking it daily and I hate it! LOL! I do it just because it takes 5 minutes to heat the water and then another few mins. to drink it. I was talking to my neighbor and he said he never smoked until he went to prison and he doesn’t know why cuz he hates it. I told him, “the same reason I drink coffee, it kills a few minutes.” Then jokingly I added, “I wonder if that’s why people turn gay in prison? You know, you’re bored with nothing to do so you’re like: maybe I’ll suck my cellie’s dick… that should take 10 minutes or so??” LMAO!! Some guys in here really lose it and just talk, sing, yell, ALL DAY long. Then every other day when they get their 1 Hr. day room they act pretty normal, it’s weird. The other day though I was bored and hyper, so I started yelling dumb funny shit for like 15 mins. It was actually kinda fun… lol. Anything to entertain yourself. Hmm… What else?”

“So I’ve developed another odd habit… I’ve been pulling my nose hairs out.. lol. Guess a combo of boredom and no scissors to trim them. Some areas it hurts, some it feels kinda cool. But this hobby has a shitty downside and that’s I get frequent ingrown hairs in my nose and they hurt like no other! Makes your whole nose red like Rudolph! Every time it happens I swear I’m done, but then they grow back and, like a crack head, I’m back ripping them out! Hmmm… maybe I’m going a lil’ nuts!?”

“Oh, so the trustee that was hookin’ me up with all the bomb food vanished! I think the cops read my Twitter and changed the line-up so I don’t get hooked up anymore… sucks. I shouldn’t have said shit. Fuck! Back to dog food 3X per day! And today I got 25 pull-ups on my 1st set so my strength is back! =) I’m gonna see what I can get up to by the time I’m released. Sooo… right now there are 2 loud, crazy fucks in the hole with us. One of them is a black dude that sounds/acts whiter than White! ALL day long he sings R.E.M. songs and shit, horrible voice. And whenever someone tells him to “shut up” he says “suck my dick, suck my big 14 inch dick.” ALL DAY LONG all you hear is singing and suck my dick! Then on his hour out in the day room he comes out and acts pretty normal, it’s weird. He just comes out all quiet and will go to your cell and ask for favors and shit. He doesn’t understand that we all HATE him and that one guy is currently saving up a giant bag of shit, piss, and hair oil (to make it smear and not clean up easy), and the contents of said bag, will be coating that idiot’s cell any day now! LMAO! Can’t wait.”

WEEK 38 – April 10, 2011

“Faded and feelin’ X-rated.. lol. Later I’m gonna make a “spread.” I don’t recall if I’ve mentioned them in the past, but it’s our lil’ gourmet dish. Basically you mix: Hot Cheetos, Hot Cheez-Its, hot sauce, pork rinds, top ramen soup (drained), and these dehydrated refried beans and you put the mixture in a tortilla, it’s bomb. LOL. Funny shit is I saw a commercial for Taco Bell and saw a burrito with hot cheetos and chili cheese Fritos in it. I KNOW a fucking “convict:” invented that recipe!! LOL! Guaranteed! Other fools put Fritos or other shit in theirs but my recipe is the best, some Mexican dude taught it to me. Alright so I just did 15 minutes jump rope (pretend), 15 mins. shadow boxing, push-ups & pull-ups, 5 sets each. My pull-ups keep going up, feels good! I did: 27, 23, 18, 16, 13. That’s a lot considering how fucking weak I had gotten. Man, I’m really excited to get out and fight again! I never fully realized how much I truly LOVE the sport. Just like 13 weeks to go!! Anyway, my toe ended up not getting infected, the toe nail is beginning to reform but looks weird… I hope it doesn’t grow back all funky… I’ve always prided myself on having nice feet… lol. What else…”

“On another subject, a really odd/gay one, my neighbor and I overheard the 2 black dudes downstairs from us talking into the vent. We stumbled on to the conversation as one of them said that he had woken up with a dick in his mouth… lol. (Not here, he was recounting a story.) He then said he got up and told the dude he better put his knuckles up cuz they’re gonna fight. Then he said “the nigga knew brazilian jiu-jitsu and choked me out, when I woke up the nigga was fuckin me.” LMAO!! And dude was laughing about it?? He said the dude helped him hostage for 3 days and kept fucking him. Then he said, “the fucked up shit is that I still call the nigga.” HAHAHA!! WTF!? Shit was the funniest story to ever eavesdrop on! And these are some “gangsters.” They were talking about it like it was nothing, an every day occurrence… W-E-I-R-D. Another gay story involves this Mexican dude, he’s all gangstered out, even with tattoos on his face. When he 1st discovered that I used to do porn he asked if he could see my dick, he said he wanted to see a “real porn dick.” I told him that I wasn’t one of those porn guys with a giant dong. He kept insisting I show it to him, which is odd enough, but the look in his eyes… G-A-Y. Obviously I didn’t show it to him. After that he’d always make lil’ gay remarks, jokingly, but definitely not joking. Also, whenever I’d stop at his door to talk to him, I feel real uncomfortable like I’m being raped by his eyes… lol. I never told anyone shit but then my neighbor brought up the fact that he thinks one of the “homies” is gay. He wouldn’t tell me the name, so I blurted out the name I suspected and he’s like, “how’d you know!?” LOL… so yeah now we both crack gay jokes at him, playingly, but not. I’unno, it’s just so strange to see gangster dudes be gay… funny.”

“Anyway, that’s the deal with this Barry Bonds shit? WTF!? How irrensponsible is our government to waste millions on his perjury trial!? People perjure themselves daily on far more important criminal matters and are not charged at all! Plus everyone knows that like 70% of ALL professional athletes use or have used steroids, so fucking what!? It’s like anything else – they try to get away with it and the authorities try and catch them, cat and mouse. When they fail a drug test, they get suspended/fined and when they pass, they pass. Fucking LAME, fucking witch hunt, fucking waste of time and money. FUCK THE MEDIA.”

WEEK 39  - APRIL 17, 2011

“Here I am stuck in a tiny cell… boring! At least I’m faded. =) And I got 2 ridiculously hot whores from an American Curves magazine on my wall… lol. Jerk-off sesh tonight!! Man…”

“I guess it’s pretty common for guys to do this while in prison… They take apart a razor and cut a slice in the top of their dick (the shaft), and then they shove a marble, or some type of round object, in the wound, so that it heals and remains a lump under the skin… crazy right!? They claim it “gets chicks off easier” with a good size marble embedded in the top of their cock… I dunno about that, but I do know I’d never do ANY kind of operation, on my most valued body part, in dirty ass jail. What if you got a fucked up infection and lost all or part of your dick?? Fuck that shit!! So far, the weirdest prison tradition I’ve come across. Funny, my neighbor just asked this black dude if he liked Kool-Aid and he answered, “course I do, I’m black.” LMAO! I’unno, thought I’d share that, I found it funny.”

“Alright, I only have 3 months left, release is coming soon! I’m excited, this has been a horrible waste of time! One good thing though is now it is engrained in my brains to NEVER “go out” EVER AGAIN! I know if I follow those guidelines I will not get in more trouble. I’ve known that for a while now, but I guess I needed a fucking wake-up call. My stubborn ass always has to learn shit the hard way. Speaking of people learning the hard way, you have no idea how many guys have told me, “Ay, War Machine, if you ever need someone blasted look me up, I can handle that for the right price.” These fools don’t even know me. They just know that I’m aggressive but plan to stay outta trouble when I get out. They think I have mad cash and they can make a buck killing fools I hate. I won’t lie, of course the idea sounds lovely, but this one year in jail is enough to know I don’t want to do shit to risk coming back. I guess these guys don’t “learn” because they have nothing promising to look forward to on the “outside.” If it wasn’t for my hopes, dreams, and opportunities, I wouldn’t have “learned” either though.”

WEEK 40 – APRIL 25, 2011

“Anyway, me and a couple other guys have been waging war on these 2 loud, obnoxious assholes who love to yell and bang their door all day and night. Our weapon of choice by default, is of course shit bombs… LMAO! We have been bombing their cells twice/day for 4 days straight and since the Deps hate them too, they don’t even clean it out, they let them sit in shit for HOURS at a time. I mean these fuckers sit in shit for like 6 hrs. at a time! It ook 3 days for one of them to finally shut up! The other one is still at it! WTF!? The other day I got a purple heart though…. ugh… GROSS! I stomped on a bag of shit so that it’d shoot under the door and all over their cell, well half of it did… the other half exploded out of the wrong end and all over ME! I mean I had shit in my fucking hair, all over my pant leg, it was horrible! LMAO!”

“A lot of the [Deputies]. here are real cool man. I really like some of them. I see exchanging #’s with a few of them before I leave. Probably get a few of them to join my gym too. Before I got here, I’d always say “fuck cops, I hate cops,” but the more I’m around them, I see that most of them are just guys doing a job. It’s not their fault that the system creates B.S. laws that they have to enforce.

The problem comes from the asshole cops; they ruin it for the rest of them. Speaking of which, I discovered a new one on duty on occassion in my module who has it out for me. The real problem is that he’s a bitch, straight coward mother fucker and plays like he likes me but is just doing his job. 1st, at inspection, he hit my cell extra tough and got all my contraband, no biggy. Couple days later when I was in the shower he snuck into my cell and hit it AGAIn, which is totally out of the ordinary! He took my contraband items again! When he did his walk later (now I’m back locked down), I asked him why he did that? And asked why he doesn’t like me or whatever? He played all nice like, “at inspection you didn’t hide your stuff good enough (B.S.) and earlier, when you showered, I only entered your cell because you had something out in the open. I don’t have a problem with you, I actually like you.” LMAO! Yeah right. NOTHING was out in the open, fool just wants to fuck my day! Later that same night, a loud asshole got shit bombed and he wrote me up for it! Fact is it could have been the guy who got dayroom before me, or me, and the camera doesn’t show the top tier here. The report said he saw me do it! LIE!! Now I’m on 10 day lockdown. Since I’m already in the hole, it means no visits, phone calls, store orders and no 1 hr. dayroom every other day, just a 10 min. shower instead. Cops here don’t write you up for shit bombing the loud assholes, they don’t care. The next day the Deps asked “why are you on D.I.? Who wrote you up? What’d you do to piss him off?” NOTHING, proof, he hates me but doesn’t have the balls to just say it. Lame asshole, at least he doesn’t work our module often. I would talk shit to him, but I don’t want him fucking with my mail; throwing it away and shit before I get it.”

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blackboxmma- May 5, 2011 at 11:22 am
There is nothing like a good old fashion shit bomb story.
skeletortoise- May 4, 2011 at 11:39 am
I think he learnt a lot in jail, and we learned a lot with him. Let's all hold hands and pretend we're mexican gangsters that want to see porn dicks.
cecils_pupils- May 4, 2011 at 7:19 am
Note to self: using a shit bomb to quiet your loud neighbor works.
iTalia- May 4, 2011 at 7:14 am
^^^^^^^^^^^^^



We should be cellmates. I don't snore, and I'm a quiet masturbator. Hell, I'll even give you the top bunk.
Dog Dicks Magoo- May 4, 2011 at 6:04 am
He'll get out and go right back in.I prefer mine with jelly. You can use syrup, but I prefer jelly.
DARKHORSE06- May 4, 2011 at 1:20 am
LMAO LOL! Why does this dipshit write like a 12 year old girl?
Mongrel- May 4, 2011 at 12:12 am
This guy's blogs are just the best...
Keep 'em coming.
2Dogs- May 3, 2011 at 11:38 pm
Y'know
I don't know 'bout the rest of y'all, but I've been in prison and I know how shit it is and how this guy feels.
I wish him all the best in the future and hope he does well once he gets out.
joe sons balls- May 3, 2011 at 10:36 pm
im so glad to hear there are others like me. i read these stupid fucking things in their entirety every time. i have 3 papers to write by tomorrow and im reading war machine prison blogs.
djp1988- May 3, 2011 at 7:03 pm
El Guapo, I'm in the same boat.
Buff Frank Mir- May 3, 2011 at 6:43 pm
@el guapo
I love this site but I do the same damn thing!
Dana_Plight- May 3, 2011 at 5:17 pm
El Guapo: How is it that I only read about 10% of all CP articles in their entirety, yet I read this f’kn genius’ masterpieces all the way through, 100% of the time?? Good Lord


...I totally do the same thing. I'm glad I'm not the only one
nickyroose- May 3, 2011 at 4:54 pm
that's county.
Kid Clam Curtains- May 3, 2011 at 4:38 pm
Remind me not to go to prison.
irish brawler- May 3, 2011 at 4:23 pm
cant wait for matt hughes big house blog. mr sonnens would have been interesting as well...
El Guapo- May 3, 2011 at 4:18 pm
And I don't care how much more time they'd give me, if War Machine bombed me with his hot cheeto/pork rind/ramen shits concoction I'd shank his ass good! Proper shanked even..
El Guapo- May 3, 2011 at 4:15 pm
How is it that I only read about 10% of all CP articles in their entirety, yet I read this f'kn genius' masterpieces all the way through, 100% of the time?? Good Lord
intercept440- May 3, 2011 at 3:54 pm
dear mr koppehavener were glad you made it through your sentence and have agreed to let you out at the appropriate time and place, once your papers have been completed and processed you will be released.. how ever we will not clean out your cell as we will be expecting your return based on your obscenely insane blogs, you obviously belong here.. thanks for your time, and hope to see you soon
Wallly- May 3, 2011 at 3:54 pm
I also rip out my nose hairs. hell of a way to kill time . trimmin just ain't the same
Lek- May 3, 2011 at 3:42 pm
I can't believe it. Reading War Machine's blog has answered a medical question for me - I had an infected nose from ingrown hairs and was wondering if it was because I ripped the long ones out occasionally - and now I see another human being experiencing the same thing! Thanks WM
CagePotatoMMA