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War Machine’s Big House Blogs Number 21, 22, 23 and 24: Who Says You Need University to Be An Expert on Sociology?

(War Machine puts on his’ OH’ face and cons scatter. PicProps MMAMania)

Well, now that War Machine’s friend on the outside has figured out how to post his blogs again, the jailhouse ramblings of the fighter formerly known as Jon Koppenhaver have been coming fast and furiously the past week.

Judging by his references to missing Christmas and to GSP and Danzig winning (they both fought and won at UFC 124) these entries are about four months behind, which makes sense considering that’s when War’s blogs went MIA.

Apparently someone alerted WM about the MMA media’s fascination with his life behind bars and he’s not impressed. If I was a private and upstanding citizen like he is, I’d be pissed too that the media was critical of me

Check out what shenanigans War Machine got into last year:

———

Week 21
So my buddies let me know about the lame ass MMA websites talking shit about me having “herpes.” LOL! Grow up! Almost everyone I know either has or knows 5 people who get cold sores on their lips periodically. It just shows how immature these writers are. One thing I can take out of it is that I must be pretty damn important to get entire articles written about me getting a cold sore! Am I supposed to be enbarrassed? Fucking lame asses. Anyway, I changed my whole commissary food orders and my diet. I don’t drink milk on the streets so I had been avoiding it in here, which must be a big mistake considering it’s the only real form of protein we get in here! Remember I said I went from 195 to 175? Well I was going off the mirror but finally weighed myself and was 190! Which means that I haven’t been losing weight so much as my body composition is changing to more fat, less muscle! Prolly also why I’ve been sweating profusely in my sleep. I think my body was just incinerating my muscles as I slept causing me to sweat. Well, a week of 6 milks a day and switching my commissary orders to just tuna & peanut butter instead of junk, and I can already see big difference in my physique and my overall energy levels. Feel a lot better this week as a result.

Shit, I had to throw my celly out of my room the other day. I’ve been in this cell for over 5 months and motherfuckers think they can just come in here and fuck up my program, make messes and give me attitude in my cell because I’m making noise @ 3PM while they’re still sleeping and coming off some type of dope. Nuh uh. I’ll be damned if I’m gonna let that shit fly. This lil’ cell is my “home” for the time being and if I get a celly they’re just a guest. If they don’t want to follow my rules they can beat it! And lucky for me, everyone here likes me and looks out for me because they know I don’t belong here and can’t afford to get in trouble. I never have to get physical. If the guy doesn’t want to leave, under the pressure of a few of them, they will. Luckily so far I’m intimidating enough on my own and all I have to say is, “get your shit and find a new cell,” and they do. What else…

The Mexican “shot caller” left the other day; I liked him so I’m kinda bummed out. Very few of the guys here I actually come to like, so when one leaves it sucks. I hope he gets through his prison sentence without any incidents and gets out and stays out of trouble. So Thanksgiving… I’ve decided that from next year on I’m not going to celebrate that holiday anymore. Instead, I will fast. I’m no longer gonna celebrate the way the pioneers of this country and our people betrayed, raped and killed an entire other group of people, people with a rich beautiful culture. The more I think of it, it really is a disgusting fucking holiday. So, now I will fast for them and suffer, just a little bit, for the 1st people we “Americans” destroyed for our own greed.

———

Week 22
Man are some of these guys bullies! It’s entertaining to me to watch all the fake tough guys in here; really they’re cowards. I see it over and over again by a couple guys in particular. One of them “punked” a guy for his dessert and continually bullies his cellies around. The other bully here punked him the other day and he didn’t do shit! Why? Cuz he was not certain that he could win the fight. What is it to beat up on guys that you know you can smash? Anyone can smash someone weaker than them. It makes you tough when you are courageous against someone bigger than you, someone that you’re not sure you can beat. And the other bully bosses all the white guys around and makes the new ones punk or beat up other guys. He says that they need to “earn their stripes,” that “me and War Machine are already striped up and proven.” LOL! What did I ever do? Nothing. He just knows he can’t make me do shit. So I see his cowardice, I see how he plays the jail politics with everyone that he knows he can intimidate. In his “jail world” I break all the rules and haven’t and will never “put in work.” But he refuses to bring any such issue to my attention. He always talks how he’s gonna beat someone’s ass, but in the months here with him he has yet to even slap a person. Talk, talk talk, but always has someone else do it! Lame. I don’t like people like that. Even in high school, I stuck up for “dorks.” I was the guy who beat up the bullies.

Hey so, I just read another cool ass book called “Forbidden History.” You should check it out! Man, the more I read and learn, the more I really see how much of the world is bullshit! We don’t know anything! Scientists are just as closed-minded and retarded as the churches. Just how the men in the past were persecuted and ridiculed for theories like the sun is the center, and not Earth, and the Earth is round, not flat – men today are being ridiculed for new ideas that make more sense and have more evidence than our current theories and “facts.” It’s comical, really. I’m not gonna elaborate here but read the book! If I can say that I appreciate one thing about this jail experience it is reading! How much time I’ve wasted doing other lame shit… Fuck, I wish I began reading long ago.

Oh shit! I just heard all this commotion next door. Booming and banging and growling! LOL! I guess the two White boys next door were throwing down in their cell! One is that “tougher of the two” bullies and this giant celly he has. Can’t wait to get out from lock down, I know that giant guy smashed him! LOL! I’m curious as to what went down but I think I know. Just before lock down the bully told me that it might “pop off with the Mexicans” (riot). I asked, “Why,” and he told me that one of them is saying that he’s a “rat!” Anyway, it must have been confirmed somehow and the giant was “disciplining him” so that we don’t have to riot. I’ll find out in a couple hours! …. Okay so, just what I thought happened, it was weak though. Neither one of them even have a scratch! Anyway, I’m gonna hit the rock, thanks for all the letters of support!

———

Week 23
So my attorney just told me he saw some list of the “Top 10 MMA Villians” or some shit and I was #1… lol. Tito, Lesnar, and Koscheck were on the list too and Junie Browning was #2. Which is good because Junie is one of the 1st guys I plan on beating down as I climb to the top of every MMA list. Of course, as in every story printed about me, this one was filled with lies and exaggerations. Either way, once again, I have to thank all of my “haters” for keeping my name alive while I’m currently locked up and unable to fight. I’m almost halfway done now though, so it won’t be long until I”m back in the cage again. I can’t wait!

Anyway, there’s an old man in here with us now, he’s like 70 somethin’ and form Poland. He was originally in a different module but on the day they took him to court there was an “accident” and they moved him into our module to bypass the extra scrutiny that would come from the cops bringing back an old man in different condition than he left in. I guess the old guy did something to piss the cops off cuz when he left the court room they threw him into the holding cell hard as fuck, while he was still handcuffed, and he fell head 1st onto a bench. So after a few hours in the ER and 16 stitches they stuck him in our module. Cops say “he fell.” Yeah right! They also refused to take a picture of his battered eya dn head when he asked for one to help document what happened. But what can you do? By the time this old man is out and has a chance to take any action he’ll be healed up and there will be no pictures to remind anyone. I wouldn’t be surprised if the medical records turn up “lost” as well. Who’s the REAL criminal, an old man arrested for a DUI or a couple young bully cops who cuff and purposely throw an old man, face first, into a cell so that he’ll fall? I bet they “shit a brick” when they saw all the damage that was done, but either way, their tracks are covered and they can go on in their true criminal behavior.

You know what else is pissing me off? In here we are classified 1-6, based on the severity of our records. They have me a fucking 5! The only guys that are 6′s are facing the death penalty or those who have attempted escape. The other 5′s are facing 15+ years and have prison priors. Why am I a 5!? I have never done ANY time before and am looking at no time! I have been sentenced to just 1 year! I have zero “write-ups,” zero trouble here at all. I should be a 2! I should be able to be a “trusty” or do my time at a different facility where I can have contact vists and a yard. Fucking bullshit man! They only have me here because they HOPE that by keeping me here with “dangerous criminals” I’ll get in more trouble. Fucking pitiful! What kind of system sets you up for failure? Thought their job was to “rehabilitate?” They don’t even offer any type of anger management classes or anything here. Sorry ass system.

So today I came really close to fucking up. Too close. There was this asshole here, half black and half Filipino, ex-marine, and he had been kicked out of every module in the jail before coming to ours. Anyway, it was 4AM, breakfast, and I’m in line and he’s already at his table eating. I was looking around and he caught my eye cuz he looked super pissed. So he sees me notice him and yells out “what the fuck are you looking at!?” I tried to blow it off and was like “Whatever man.” Then he says “Whatever nothing, let’s go in my cell bitch!” So I lost my temper a little bit and said “Let’s go!” and took off my shirt and started following him to the cell. About 2 feet before entering the cell he stopped and I told him “Go in bitch! Don’t get scared now!” He tried acting like he needed to talk it over with the blacks first. What really happened is I called his bluff. After me calling him a “punk” and sitting down to eat I guess the blacks told him he has to fight me now after the big scene he made, but he told them he didn’t want to and chose to “roll it up” and leave our module instead. The cops put him into “the hole” indefinitely cuz it was his last chance at the “main line.”

Anyway, I’m really glad he bitched out! I don’t want trouble. I’m also proud of myself for not smashing him in front of his cell like I wanted to, it took all my will power. Shit I was so pissed, I was shaking during breakfast. But man, this shit really scares me though. I have to stay out of trouble when I get out, but no matter how good I am, how long will it be before dumbasses like him push my buttons? It’s not fair; I never start fights, ever! Why are the laws so gay? How come the cops don’t show up and tell the guy who started the fight, “That’s what you get for being a dick!!” ?!?? WHy do they punish the man minding his own business and then is provoked into a fight and wins? It’s fucking bullshit man! I’m serioujsly gonna have to be a coward the rest of my life in order to never come back again. What if someone disrespects or gropes my wife? I have to let them? This country is bullshit! Once I’m off probation I think I might leave for good, never coming back.

This one guy here tripped walking down the stairs and his leg got caught and twisted up bad. That fool’s leg was swollen as shit and for DAYS they wouldn’t give him medical attention! Each day it got professively worse too. In my 8 years of fighting I’ve seen tons of injuries and I know it was either fractured or had torn ligaments. TOday they finally brought him to a doctor and he came back with crutches and they told him it was a “sprain” LMAO! They x-rayed it and it wasn’t broken but gave him no MRI. It is impossible to know what’s wrong without an MRI! And as bad as his WHOLE leg is swollen, it’s far too bad to simply assume it’a sprain and not torn. If it were me I’d raise Hell, but this guy is kind of a dipshit, so I dunno. For 3 days he hopped around with no crutches. I would have gotten crutches on day 1! People let this system get over on them too easily, you gotta fight it when it does wrong. Anyway, today I met the 1st person that ever told me that he was Jesus reincarnated and sent here to save man-kind! LOL! I’ve always heard of that shit but never witnessed it. He actually has a lot of good conspiracy theories and shit, but he definitely lost me with this line, “In the future some will say that Jesus saved the Earth, some will say I did, and some will say it was a combination of both.” Funny shit man… I like talking to him though, it’s really entertaining. Until next week!

P.S. I knew GSP and Danzig would win!

———-

Week 24
Another exciting week gone! In the next couple of days I’ll be missing Christmas and I’m pretty sure my 10 year high school reunion too. Not that it matters too much since I already boned all the chicks that I wanted to in my class anyway… haha! Nah but really, I would have liked to see a few people and really, REALLY liked to slap a few too. Although I wouldn’t have because it doesn’t pay to be aggressive and dominant in today’s society. Me being in jail now is proof enough for that.

So, I’m currently “locked down” right now… My first “write-up” in the 6 months I’ve been here. It’s so boring here I guess I thought it’d be fun to rebel a lil’ bit and tell a guard to shut up… lol. Not sure if it was worth it yet but hey, I’m serving 365 and I don’t get to earn “good time” credits, so what incentive is there to be an angel all the time? AND the 2 times I alerted the guards when there was gonna be a riot, (so they could move problem guys and stop it from occuring), what did I get for it? Nada! NOt even a thank you. Not shit. But of course the one time I’m bad I get reemed. Whatever though.

So I’ve really come to like that old Polish man that I told you all about the cops beating up. He’s funny as shit and a book of knowledge. I think he has a lil’ Alzheimer’s cuz he does some silly shit sometimes but I make sure no one fucks with him. Oh shit! I forgot to tell you, I almost got in a fight with some nut job in here a few days back. That’s 2 weeks in a row! This lil’ white guy started spazzing out and banging his head against the telephone booth and punching himself. Then he singles ME out and yells at me to fight him in his cell. We get to his cell and he flops to the ground Indian style. I’m like WTF?!? We all laugh and walk away. Then he yells again and we turn back toward him and he’s in his tighty whities and says “I didn’t want you to use my pants against me!” I said “What if I use your undies against you?” Hoping that he’d get butt nake. He didn’t. Finally we got the guards to move his psycho ass out of our tank. Man, people who don’t know me refuse to believe that I don’t start trouble! Trouble finds me! It’s true! It’s something in my genes or something. My friend Ryan, the SEAL, has the same issue. He’s a super nice guy, never starts fights, but gets in one every fucking month! Man, WTF!? Being an “Alpha Male” Is a real phenomenon. People always seek out to challenge me. Seek me to follow and girls to fuck. Seriously, since I was in Kindergarten I’ve always been the leader, always got the girl and always was provoked to fight. And since I always win, I always get in trouble! B.S.! If I wasn’t tough, I’d be the world’s biggest victim and would get nothing but compassion. Just cuz I win fights, that others start, I’m a criminal? Fuck the laws in this country.

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djp1988- April 6, 2011 at 8:49 pm
It's hard to be scared of someone whose "WARRIOR FACE" is pretty much a rip off of Bobby Bouchier.
IsnappedYourarm- April 6, 2011 at 12:36 pm
This guy is passive aggressive & bipolar with daddy issues and a napoleon complex. When he gets released he will end up in jail within 6 months because the world is picking on him.
Fried Taco- April 6, 2011 at 11:47 am
I said “What if I use your undies against you?” Hoping that he’d get butt nake. - He forgot to add no homo.
Ruke Doufus- April 6, 2011 at 6:41 am
+2 for RwilsonR

“Nick Ring’s straight… no, really, I promise.”
Fantastic Mike- April 6, 2011 at 4:23 am
''AND the 2 times I alerted the guards when there was gonna be a riot, (so they could move problem guys and stop it from occuring), what did I get for it? Nada! NOt even a thank you.''

What a fucking Dog/Rat!
Mongrel- April 6, 2011 at 2:36 am
This guy is awesome; he speaks his mind, isn't afraid of shit and is somewhat intelligible.
I'm really liking these blogs... it paints a realistic picture of what actually goes on inside.
It seems to be a positive life experience for him thus far. I wonder if he'll be able to overcome that whole 'trouble finds me' mentality.
RwilsonR- April 5, 2011 at 10:48 pm
Very strange.
RwilsonR- April 5, 2011 at 10:34 pm
Italics for everyone!
RwilsonR- April 5, 2011 at 10:33 pm
What's going on?
sakurabasear- April 5, 2011 at 8:02 pm
These are great. What do you guys think happened to those two in the cell next to him?
RwilsonR- April 5, 2011 at 6:34 pm
@ agentsmith - it certainly wasn't meant as an insult to Canadians, just an observation on the phrasing in the sentence, not on the content of what was said. Down here in 'Murrica we just don't have phrases like "need university", "I'm on holiday", or "Nick Ring's straight... no, really, I promise."
 
In that sentence, we would say "...need college..." or "...need to go to a university...." The phrasing was just very reminiscent of every Canadian friend I have ever had (1).
intercept440- April 5, 2011 at 6:30 pm
oh and last but not least FUCK YOU no edit button. that shit was suppsed to be one item....fuckers
intercept440- April 5, 2011 at 6:29 pm
ill tell ya what he should do is get some producer to make him a reality show, call it something catchy,, like > inside the machine with john koppenhaver... or strong man little mind, and just follw him around daily, like one of dana's video blogs... fuck ide watch it..hell make him the coach of the next tuf aaahahahahahahahahah imaginge the disasters of editing that shit...
intercept440- April 5, 2011 at 6:26 pm
im mean seriously.. who changes there legal name to war machine, or ochocinco, or to a fucking symbol like that little runt musician prince did,dudes fucked in the head
intercept440- April 5, 2011 at 6:24 pm
his syphilis is apperently fucking with his mind already, give a month or two and he'll be claiming to be stalin reincarnate, and claim he is going to lead the next bolshevik revolution.. dude really needs to get some meds
SethF- April 5, 2011 at 6:04 pm
"Almost everyone I know either has or knows 5 people who get cold sores on their lips periodically"

He's right, we've been irresponsible journalists. He clearly surrounds himself with scientists, nobel prize winners and Rhodes Scholars. If his friends get cold sores and/or know five people who do, clearly we should get off of our soapboxes.

On an unrelated note, my personality is often described as "painfully sarcastic"
El Guapo- April 5, 2011 at 5:42 pm
^Not that there's anything wrong with that, if you... Y'know.
In Canada they call people like War Machine "moose shit crazy".
Clemmie- April 5, 2011 at 5:35 pm
Hey RwR, I wnt to get in touch w/you, how do we exchange email addresses privately?
agentsmith- April 5, 2011 at 5:21 pm
@ RwilsonR:
I don't get it. Maybe because I'm Canadian.
Clemmie- April 5, 2011 at 5:09 pm
WOW. This Douche is seriously deliousional.

People seek him out to challenge him because he's an "alpha-male". Oh and chicks want to fuck him.

CP what's the deal? I had to re-register and get a new user name because my old one wouldn't work. WTF bros? It's not like I was the one who posted Arianny's pics or any thing. (sorry to pick at the scab)
beef_kurtains- April 5, 2011 at 5:08 pm
Congrats to War Machine for reading books that are standard in junior high. Better late than never.
RwilsonR- April 5, 2011 at 5:03 pm
Who Says You Need University to Be An Expert on Sociology?
 
That sentence is just a few curds and gravy shy of being the most Canadian thing written on CagePotato.
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