Some of you will look at the above image and start doing joyous cartwheels around the room. Some of you will just see a poster for a local MMA card held at a county fair and say “I don’t get it.” And that’s because you haven’t been introduced to the prophetic glory of Dan Quinn.
For the unfamiliar, Quinn is a 4-4-1 professional fighter who’s had the dual honors of being choked out by Frank Mir and going three rounds with Jason Lambert. As a linebacker at Notre Dame, he once picked Iron Head Heywood out of the air at fourth and inches; it was, in Quinn’s estimation, the greatest stop in college football history. (Quinn was later kicked off the team amid allegations of sexual assault.) He once knocked out five men in one night at Juanita’s in Encinitas, California. He’s discovered the secret of weight loss and tumor-melting, via Stevia and cold fission. And oh yeah, he’s preparing for his first fight since a January ’05 TKO loss to Dan Molina, and will be facing Dave Huckaba, who has knocked out Bo Cantrell twice, once in 26 seconds and once in five seconds.
But those are just facts, and statistics, and they don’t really tell the story of a man. To understand who Dan Quinn really is, you’ll have to watch his shirtless mirror-rants on YouTube.
This is how Quinn first came to our attention — a passionate call-out of Kimbo Slice in what appears to be a public bathroom, where Quinn predicts that if he and Kimbo were to ever share a prison cell, Kimbo would be the bitch; he also vows to become the richest motherfucker on the planet thanks to discovering the fountain of youth, promises Kimbo financial freedom as soon as the money starts rolling in, and fantasizes about sex with reporters.
Here’s Quinn revealing that he’s actually the angel Maitreya, a prophet sent to use cold fission and Stevia to end slavery forever; he gives us a glimpse of his pure H20 process; makes the wild claim that the Bad Boy Club logo was based on him; reminisces about how he regularly used to put Scott Smith on queer street; and talks us through the aspartame/bird flu connection.
Possibly the most important Quinn video of all: Our hero tells us about the childhood trauma that made him what he is today, and details the events that led up to him being in front of a mirror, talking to the Internet. It’s the Superhero origin story, so to speak. He also describes how Stevia melted 62 pounds and six tumors from his uncle’s body, and calls out Dana White, vowing to beat him to death.
And here’s his latest missive, posted yesterday, in which Quinn reveals that having women watch him fight gives him the power to finish any man with body shots, describes the matriarchal history of Earth, and sheds a little light on the assassination of Ernest Hemingway. (What, you thought it was a suicide? Please.)
You can watch the rest of Quinn’s video work here. He truly is a “Poet Warrior,” and we wish him the best against Huckaba on August 13th.
And Quinn, if you’re reading this, don’t be a stranger…holler and we’ll do an interview.
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