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Watch Out, MMA Drug-Cheats: The NSAC Vows to Look Closer at Your Junk

Kevin Randleman Strikeforce MMA photos
(That’s the face of a man who values his privacy. Photoprops: Esther Lin/Strikeforce)

You know, when I woke up this morning, I never expected to read a news story involving Kevin Randleman‘s possibly-fake penis. But unfortunately, I did — and since I can’t get that horrible image out of my head, you’re going to have to hear about it too. Here’s Nevada State Athletic Commission Executive Director Keith Kizer talking to MMAJunkie about the infamous Randleman-at-PRIDE 32 situation, which was the last time that his commission’s testing body has been burned by fake urine:

Kizer said Randleman’s deception began with the collection of his sample.

“What he did was he grabbed the inner-thigh of his shorts, kind of pulled it open, stuck out what we thought was the tip of his penis – it was the same color as the rest of his skin – and then urinated in the cup and gave it to our inspector,” he said…

(Ed. note: See, for me, that “same color as the rest of his skin” bit would be a dead giveaway. Everybody knows that wiener-skin is a shade darker than the rest of the guy it’s attached to. Come on, where were these NSAC guys licensed, anyway? Moving on…)

According to Kizer, Randleman provided a sample that was consistent with human urine when tested for the presence of drugs of abuse, such as cocaine and marijuana. However, tests for performance-enhancing drugs – which measure such things as a person’s testosterone-to-epitestosterone ratio, or T/E ratio – revealed the sample to be fake.

Kizer said there are similarities in Silva’s case.

“Here, it’s pretty much zero,” he said. “So it’s like, ‘Wait a second. He has pretty much at an undetectable level of testosterone?’ That’s just not consistent with a human being.

“So I think with Randleman and allegedly with Silva, had we given them (just) a drug test, they might have passed it. But we gave them a steroid test, and you can’t pass that with fake urine.”

Following the Randleman case, the NSAC instructed its inspectors to visually confirm that a fighter is urinating in a sample cup either before or after a fight. It’s a step that ideally would deter the use of third-party urine, masking agents, and even fake penises/urine samples (such as the infamous “Whizzinator” device).

But of course, even those extra measures might not be enough, as Thiago Silva (ALLEGEDLY!) proved at UFC 125. As Kizer said, “I we think might have to take it a step further…It might be a situation where inspectors have to go really close and look.”

Ugh. I get pee-shy when there’s another dude two urinals away from me. Imagine trying to piss when Keith Kizar’s face is mere inches away from your crotch. And once again, one bad apple spoils it for everybody else, forever. (See also: Airport security.) Hope you’re happy, Thiago.

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thenutman69321- March 31, 2011 at 11:37 am
I can't believe so many people are surprised by this. Haven't any of you ever been on probation? There's a guy watching you piss for most piss tests.
Mechanicjitsu- March 31, 2011 at 5:03 am
These are the times that having R. Kelly start fighting in MMA would be awesome.....
AndyInflammatory- March 30, 2011 at 2:56 pm
front-on penis-perusal is the way it's been done for years - you all sound so surprised/horrified.

Wouldnt do it for quids though - eewww
Bootylam- March 30, 2011 at 1:49 pm
Cheaters? Really? If you really think that then go watch nothing but pop warner and little league. Besides random testing, unannounced, there's no way to stop it. The guys who get caught just need to cycle down earlier. Sorry to lift the curtain!
KINGMADE- March 30, 2011 at 12:55 pm
Sucks when you have to get close enough to smell it.
RwilsonR- March 30, 2011 at 12:30 pm
Also, a lifetime ban seems harsh for guys who unknowingly ingested it through supplements. There was some study somewhere that I don't want to look up right now that said as much as 25% of those supplements are tainted with PEDs. I think you are responsible for what goes into your body, but it is a high bar to say that you need to independently have every protein powder you buy at GNC tested, and if you don't, you're banned for life. In those cases, 6 month suspensions seem reasonable.
I really don't want to be on the side of defending these guys, or believing their sob stories, but I think at this point a lifetime ban just seems unfeasable.
I don't have a great solution for this problem that isn't costly.
RwilsonR- March 30, 2011 at 12:23 pm
@ Smitty - Unfortunately, there are too many false positives with the current way they test to ban a guy for life. I'm not saying Sean Sherk is totally innocent, but if the water blanks they are testing in between samples are yielding carry-over positive results, that is a hell of a thing to strip a guy of his entire career over. I'm all for harsh punishment to stop offenders, but if you're going to have a punishment that harsh you better be damn sure your test works every fucking time, and doesn't say a water blank is positive.
Uppercut Magnet- March 30, 2011 at 10:29 am
Kizer's going to write a book about MMA fighters' dicks when he retires.
DangadaDang- March 30, 2011 at 10:16 am
and there goes lunch
Bungleboy- March 30, 2011 at 9:54 am
"Imagine trying to piss when Keith Kizar’s face is mere inches away from your crotch. And once again, one bad apple spoils it for everybody else, forever."

Nick Ring begs to differ...
Lopes- March 30, 2011 at 9:52 am
OIL CHANGES FOR EVERYBODY!
Crap Factory- March 30, 2011 at 9:28 am
Agreed Smitty. It would stop the abuse pretty quickly.
jimbonics- March 30, 2011 at 9:27 am
The UFC needs to take the harsh stance here and FIRE anyone caught using 'roids. You want your sport to grow and be taken seriously?
 
FIRE THE CHEATERS!
RwilsonR- March 30, 2011 at 9:03 am
According to Kizer, he is investigating magnifying options that would assist his inspectors in visually detecting Chael Sonnen's balls, but so far he has been unsuccessful.
Smitty- March 30, 2011 at 8:54 am
All they have to do is make it a mandatory LIFETIME ban from whatever sport you're playin if you test positive for steroids. Why they don't do this is beyond me.
halfbreed23- March 30, 2011 at 8:54 am
LOL @ Ed note! Editor is a penis expert
Grimmy- March 30, 2011 at 8:53 am
A few random thoughts about this.

1) They hire a midget to stand on a stepstool and watch the guys pee. Said midget compliments the fighter on how nice his balls look, grabs them, and then says, either give me all the cash you got or I jump...

2) Imagine the look on the face of the inspector if one of the fighters gets aroused while this all occurs. Or imagine if it is RaNdleman and the inspector goes away holding his face and screaming MY EYE!!! MY EYE!!!

Grimmy
feels bad to the guys who end up peeing on thier own nuts in front of the inspectors. (I swear, this never happens! I must be tired...)
PingPong- March 30, 2011 at 8:45 am
Kizer has never actually looked at his own penis...true story.
Steve W- March 30, 2011 at 8:34 am
I heard a hilarious story about this pro wrestler, MVP, having to take a piss test.

The story goes that MVP was at the urinal when the inspector came in to watch him. MVP looks at the guy and asks something like "Do you have a degree?"

The inspector tells him he has a Bachelor's degree.

MVP responds with "How does it feel to go to school for four years to stare at another man's dick?"
BigShig- March 30, 2011 at 8:33 am
What happens when they try to match skin tones with Scott Jorgensen???
BigShig- March 30, 2011 at 8:29 am
Whizzinator....now available in matching skin tones.
Fried Taco- March 30, 2011 at 8:25 am
Note to Editor: We don't want to know how you became an expert on penises.
knucklesamitch- March 30, 2011 at 8:22 am
“What he did was he grabbed the inner-thigh of his shorts, kind of pulled it open, stuck out what we thought was the tip of his penis..."

This is generally not how I pee...Not once have I ever had to grab my inner thigh when reaching for my dick. Either the CSAC are idiots, or I have small penis...Or is it because Randleman's black?
Prometheus- March 30, 2011 at 8:14 am
Wait, so Randleman put a fake dick near his crotch filled with the fake urine, and the inspector stuck the tip of that outside Randleman's shorts and watched him "pee" in the cup?
danomite- March 30, 2011 at 8:07 am
if this keeps up it will eventually blur the line between NSAC employee and fluffer
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