(That’s the face of a man who values his privacy. Photoprops: Esther Lin/Strikeforce)

You know, when I woke up this morning, I never expected to read a news story involving Kevin Randleman‘s possibly-fake penis. But unfortunately, I did — and since I can’t get that horrible image out of my head, you’re going to have to hear about it too. Here’s Nevada State Athletic Commission Executive Director Keith Kizer talking to MMAJunkie about the infamous Randleman-at-PRIDE 32 situation, which was the last time that his commission’s testing body has been burned by fake urine:

Kizer said Randleman’s deception began with the collection of his sample.

“What he did was he grabbed the inner-thigh of his shorts, kind of pulled it open, stuck out what we thought was the tip of his penis – it was the same color as the rest of his skin – and then urinated in the cup and gave it to our inspector,” he said…

(Ed. note: See, for me, that “same color as the rest of his skin” bit would be a dead giveaway. Everybody knows that wiener-skin is a shade darker than the rest of the guy it’s attached to. Come on, where were these NSAC guys licensed, anyway? Moving on…)

According to Kizer, Randleman provided a sample that was consistent with human urine when tested for the presence of drugs of abuse, such as cocaine and marijuana. However, tests for performance-enhancing drugs – which measure such things as a person’s testosterone-to-epitestosterone ratio, or T/E ratio – revealed the sample to be fake.

Kizer said there are similarities in Silva’s case.

“Here, it’s pretty much zero,” he said. “So it’s like, ‘Wait a second. He has pretty much at an undetectable level of testosterone?’ That’s just not consistent with a human being.

“So I think with Randleman and allegedly with Silva, had we given them (just) a drug test, they might have passed it. But we gave them a steroid test, and you can’t pass that with fake urine.”

Following the Randleman case, the NSAC instructed its inspectors to visually confirm that a fighter is urinating in a sample cup either before or after a fight. It’s a step that ideally would deter the use of third-party urine, masking agents, and even fake penises/urine samples (such as the infamous “Whizzinator” device).

But of course, even those extra measures might not be enough, as Thiago Silva (ALLEGEDLY!) proved at UFC 125. As Kizer said, “I we think might have to take it a step further…It might be a situation where inspectors have to go really close and look.”

Ugh. I get pee-shy when there’s another dude two urinals away from me. Imagine trying to piss when Keith Kizar’s face is mere inches away from your crotch. And once again, one bad apple spoils it for everybody else, forever. (See also: Airport security.) Hope you’re happy, Thiago.