(“Boys, please, can’t you settle your differences with words?” Photo courtesy of MMA Weekly.)
The California Kid invades Hollywood (Florida), Chael “RE/MAX” Sonnen aims to do a bit of closing on Paulo Filho‘s middleweight title reign, and Leonard Garcia will be smuggling nothing but his fists and feet across the border that is Jens Pulver‘s face. I’m coked-out Mauro Ranallo and I’ll be your liveblogger tonight — the specials are honor, glory, pumpkin crème brûlée, and maybe some championship gold?
Just kidding, it’s only me, BG. Hit that “More” link and refresh the page every few minutes to get all the latest from tonight’s live event on Versus. Should be a monster.
Whoa, are you guys watching this Sports Soup shit? Garbage! Joel McHale is not to be imitated. And alright, here we go…
I like this intro. Leonard Garcia just punched some guy so hard that he turned into glass and shattered. Literally. Florida is “not a swing state tonight,” according to this commentator whose name I didn’t catch. Frank Mir is in the house, of course, wearing what seems to be an outfit from Penn Jillette‘s closet. “See how we elect a champion in the WEC,” says Mr. Dude. Mauro Ranallo is spinning in his martini right now.
Jake Rosholt vs. Nissen Osterneck (middleweights)
Both men are undefeated and are making their WEC debuts tonight; interesting, considering the WEC is reportedly folding their middleweight division after this event. I wonder if they know? Rosholt is a three-time NCAA wrestling champion. Mir makes the bold claim that Rosholt might be the third-best college wrestler ever.
Round 1: Osterneck rushes forward throwing punches in bunches, but Rosholt clamps on and scores a takedown. He moves from side control to back control, and tries to set up a choke but Osterneck wriggles out. Osterneck looks for an armbar from the bottom. He gets up and rocks Rosholt with punches. Again, Rosholt tries to stop the damage with a clinch, but Osterneck bashes him off. Rosholt tries to clinch against the cage and eventually gets Osterneck down, throwing punches from the top. Rosholt throws a big knee into Osterneck’s body, then one to the shoulder, close to the head, that earns a warning from the ref. Osterneck tries to create some space after kicking off Rosholt, but Rosholt sticks right back on. Rosholt throws elbows into Osterneck’s body. Rosholt takes Osterneck’s back and drills punches into the side of his head. Osterneck rolls and Rosholt takes half-guard. Rosholt tries to set up a choke as the bell rings.
Round 2: Rosholt’s face is mad swollen. Leg kicks from Osterneck. Rosholt shoots and wraps Osterneck’s leg up, but Osterneck is able to flip Rosholt to the ground, looking for a kimura. Rosholt escapes and gets on top. He takes a breather for a moment, then gets side-control. Rosholt continues to lie on top of Osterneck and the crowd boos. They get to their feet and Osterneck slugs Rosholt with a punch combo and a knee. He misses a spinning backfist and gets taken down, and Rosholt is on top bashing Osterneck in the side of the head. He turtles up and Rosholt jackrammers him until the fight is stopped. Jake Rosholt def. Nissen Osterneck via TKO, 3:48 of round 2.
Hey look, a Urijah Faber No Fear commercial. “What do I fear? I’ll let you know when I find it.” Cool, but I’m still not gonna wear those t-shirts.
Jens Pulver vs. Leonard Garcia (featherweights)
Garcia, for some reason, comes out to “Jukebox Hero” by Foreigner. And it looks like Pulver’s double black-eyes have cleared up in time for the match. Monte Cox is in Pulver’s entourage, wearing a XXXL TapouT shirt. And Garcia tweaks his nipples when he’s introduced! It’s over, Jens!
Round 1: Hard leg kick from Garcia. Jens moves forward with some nice punches, rattling Garcia. Head kick from Garcia off Pulver’s glove. Garcia sticking/moving nicely, now he’s landing some brutal punches. Pulver stiffens up against the cage and Garcia finishes him off with power shots. Very impressive. Leonard Garcia moves one step closer to a title shot against Faber. (Or, Mike Brown, obviously. Cough.) Leonard Garcia def. Jens Pulver via TKO, 1:12 of round 1. Garcia says he’s the #1 contender now, but a guy named Wagnney Fabiano just signed to the WEC, so we’ll see.
David Avellan vs. Aaron Simpson (middleweights)
I don’t really know who these guys are, but SOMEBODY’S ‘O’ MUST GO!
Round 1: Simpson slips in the overhand right death-blow in the opening seconds, Rashad Evans style! Knockout. That’s all she wrote, bros. Aaron Simpson def. David Avellan via KO, 0:18 of round 1.
Paulo Filho is backstage, hitting pads in his signature sleeveless flannel shirt. Do you think he has an entire closet full of those things? Or does he just have the one, that he never washes?
Paulo Filho vs. Chael Sonnen (middleweight quasi-title fight)
Filho has a rather cavalier attitude regarding his missed weight. Sonnen, on the other hand, is incredibly pissed about it. “I promised my father on his death bed that I would win this title…and now I won’t be able to.” Filho? Beware the ghost of Chael Sonnen’s father. And then Filho comes out. Somewhere, Larry the Cable Guy is walking around shirtless. The crowd boos Filho. The announcer shouts out Tapout’s slogan as “Arrogant, Inyaface, and American.” FAIL.
Round 1: Filho shoots and hangs on to one of Sonnen’s legs after some feeling-out. Sonnen sprawls and throws some fists into Filho’s body. Sonnen gets up and cracks Filho twice in the head. Filho rushes forward with a punch and falls over. Sonnen throws a punch down from the top, then a kick to Filho’s leg, then another punch. Filho aint doin’ dick but eating blows. Sonnen stupidly goes to the ground with Filho briefly, but backs off. The crowd boos the stalemate. Sonnen moves in and almost gets caught in an armbar. Sonnen stomps on Filho’s foot, and Filho rushes forward for a leglock attempt. Sonnen escapes and Filho goes to his back again. Bullshit fight. Sonnen should just let Filho up and end it. Sonnen kicks Filho’s legs, and Filho returns the favor. The horn sounds, the crowd roars angrily.
Round 2: Filho with a nice reverse kick, then a couple leg kicks. And another. Filho shoots, then clinches, but Sonnen falls on top in Filho’s guard. He lets Filho up. Filho shoots again and gets kicked in the head. He falls on his back, and Sonnen lets him up again. The crowd is back into this fight. Filho looks sluggish as hell. Filho grabs on and tries to pull guard, but Sonnen slams him hard and backs off. Filho misses a left hook and lets his arm swing back lazily. Can he possibly be gassed? Sonnen misses some punches. Filho shoots again, Sonnen sprawls. Sonnen punches Filho in the face and Filho rolls on his back; Sonnen backs off. Now Filho seems to be waking up, and he tries to steal the round with strikes, but the horm sounds before he can do much damage.
Round 3: Sonnen working his jab. Filho does nothing except try a lazy shoot that he gives up on. Filho just flops on his back, Nick Serra style. This is sad. Sonnen tagging him with kicks to the legs and body punches from the top just to get up on the scorecards. The ref orders Filho up. Sonnen throwing some light punches, then lands a good combo. Sonnen keeping busy, but he’s not over-committing on the punches; he’s just waiting out the bell. The crowd hates it; they chant “bullshit.” Filho tries to clinch and takes an elbow. He swings weakly and gets tagged. Filho whiffs a big reverse head kick. Sonnen drills a knee to the body and circles until the final horn. Pathetic. This is the #2 middleweight in the world? Not anymore. Filho probably blew his shot at the UFC entriely. Sonnen didn’t deserve that fight. The judges put this sad spectacle to an end, calling it 30-27 x 3 for Sonnen in a unanimous decision. And I guess it’s back to rehab for Filho. Or fat camp, maybe?
“There will be no dangling chad in Florida tonight…” says the announcer. BITCH THAT REFERENCE IS EIGHT GODDAMNED YEARS OLD. Is a Monica Lewinsky joke next?
Hurry the hell up, it’s 9:50 already. No word from backstage yet on whether Filho fulfilled his gentleman’s agreement to give up his worthless belt to Sonnen if he lost.
Urijah Faber vs. Mike Brown (featherweight title fight)
Round 1: Faber with a body kick. Urijah shoots in with a left, then a right. They clinch and separate. Head kick from Faber off the glove. Brown catches Faber with a couple right hooks and pushes him against the cage. Knee from Faber, but Brown returns, and they’re free after Faber tumbles backwards. Brown rushes forward and cracks Urijah with a punch, shaking him badly. Faber springs forward with an elbow, but runs directly into Brown’s fist, and he goes down. Brown swarms Faber on the ground, firing punches until the ref stops it. Mike Brown is the new WEC featherweight champion. WTF?!? Mike Brown def. Urijah Faber via shocking the world, 2:23 of round 1. Craaaazy. Mike Brown chokes up during the post-fight interview. Urijah Faber loves life, and is a happy person, and will be back to get that belt. So he won’t be killing himself after the show, is what I think he’s trying to say. Good for him. Mike Brown has to be helped out of the cage; it looks like he effed up a rib. So, it’s bittersweet, I guess.
Anyway, I’m out, because I love life and I’m a happy person. Flannel party at Fatty Filho’s place!