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What Will Rampage Jackson’s New Comic Book Be Like? Here Are Some Unsolicited Suggestions


(This is an actual thing that’s happening. Image courtesy of Lion Forge Comics via TitoCouture.com)

By Matt Saccaro

A few days ago, our friends at MiddleEasy were kind enough to let the MMA world know some earth-shattering news: Quinton “Rampage” Jackson was going to be starring in his own comic book, Rampage Jackson: Street Soldier.

The comic’s premise? Rampage gets superpowers from a meteorite and then goes around fighting crime. Seriously, that’s it. The cage-fighter best known for dry-humping female reporters and tigers is now a superhero. However, one area where Lion Forge, the comic’s publisher, might run into trouble is coming up with storylines. Rampage’s comic will need story arcs and bad guys and other things. Fortunately for them, we at CagePotato have given this some thought.

What have we come up with? Check it out!

    Villains:

Dana Wight: An evil business mogul who harbors a terrible secret — he’s a soulless zombie that’s attempting to convert the entire MMA world into his own undead army. Dana Wight uses his billions of dollars to thwart Rampage Jackson’s efforts at improving the world. Wight consistently tries to pay Rampage off but he never realizes one important, in-no-way-false fact: Rampage Jackson is not for sale!

The Crimson Singlet: The Crimson Singlet will be one of Rampage’s worst foes. Rampage’s feud with the Crimson Singlet is fueled by the fact that he and Rampage used to be on the same wrestling team. Rampage abandoned the tenets of wrestling while the Crimson Singlet embraced them. Did Rampage betray the Crimson Singlet or did the Crimson Singlet betray Rampage? The comic book can tackle this complicated, psychological issue. What makes this story more exciting is that the Crimson Singlet is, obviously, a master of Rampage’s weakness — wrestling.

The Swagger Jacker: The Swagger Jacker is more of a minor annoyance to Rampage rather than a real threat. He just goes around stealing people’s swag, acting like it was his swag the entire time.

The League of Keyboard Assassins: Not one enemy, but an army of them. The League of Keyboard Assassins is a constant threat to Rampage. They always criticize his actions and manipulate the media into portraying Rampage’s acts of heroism as villainous.

    Sidekicks/Other Characters:

Ariel Hekwani: Rampage’s sidekick and comic foil.

King Bo: Another street soldier who, initially, used to be enemies with Rampage. Now, they both help each other out.

Njal Rebneb: The kind-hearted millionaire who bankrolls Rampage’s crime-fighting operations.

    Storylines:

Issue 1: Rampage escapes the contractual clutches of Dana Wight. When Wight learns that Rampage is planning to tell the world about his evil plans for worldwide zombie domination, he enlists the help of the Crimson Singlet in order to silence Rampage for good. The Crimson Singlet beats Rampage in combat time after time. Rampage contemplates what it means to be a Street Soldier. As he considers giving up on one starry night after a battle with the Crimson Singlet, a meteor lands in his backyard, giving him superpowers and a better sprawl. He finally beats the Crimson Singlet and lets the world know about Dana Wight’s secret.

Issue 2: The Swagger Jacker steals Ariel Hekwani’s neon green shoes. Rampage defeats the Swagger Jacker but refuses to return the shoes to Hekwani because they’re ugly. Instead, he takes him on a shopping trip, teaches him what it means to be a true alpha, and offers him a breath-mint. Also in this issue, Njal Rebneb introduces himself to Rampage and finances the construction of a monster truck fit for a Street Soldier.

Issue 3: It turns out that Rampage’s efforts to expose Dana Wight’s zombie-ness and his plans to zombify the world were all for naught. The League of Keyboard Assassins discredited Rampage, making many people not believe his tale. Rampage attempts to fight off the out-of-shape writers and forum posters, but he’s overwhelmed. He seeks the help of King Bo, another anti-League of Keyboard Assassins fighter, to defeat the organization.

As silly as this stuff may sound, you can bet that the actual reality of a comic book about Quinton Jackson fighting crime after catching superpowers from a meteorite will be far more ridiculous. Do you have any better ideas for the comic? Go nuts in the comments section.

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teddy556- July 24, 2013 at 6:32 pm
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Clyde- July 23, 2013 at 4:42 pm
Subtle implications in subtext is subtle.
El Guapo- July 23, 2013 at 2:10 pm
Not sure whether to tell Wilson "too soon" or tell CP to send him a shirt for comment of the week..
RwilsonR- July 23, 2013 at 1:55 pm
Story arc: Rampage wanders around neighborhoods in Florida as his mild-mannered alter-ego Quinton, wearing an unassuming hoodie, just waiting for ambitious and evil neighborhood watchmen to profile him and unjustly challenge his presence in their community. He then throws off his hoodie to dramatic effect, revealing his true identity as the superhero Rampage, and proceeds to "ground and pound them into the pavement, MMA-style", laughing at their feeble attempts to use mere firearms to stop him. He then sips on his iced tea, pops a few skittles in his mouth while smoking a blunt, and cracks wise at the broken body of the wannabe cop on the ground in front of him before slipping off into the night to rid another neighborhood of its misguided would-be protector. Though he is often chastised in the media by those who don't understand him, he is always publicly supported by the outspoken Rev. Hal Sharptongue, who comes to the defense of this Street Soldier, and his efforts to clean up the nasty neighborhoods of Florida and free them from the shackles of their oppressive neighborhood watchmen. But little does Reverend Hal know, when not on the streets fighting evil White-Hispanic volunteer vigilantes as the superhero Rampage, his alter-ego Quinton has fathered an illegitimate child with the good Reverend's daughter and is refusing to pay child support. How will it all play out when Rev. Hal finally realizes both of these people are one in the same? How will Rampage square both halves of his personality, as a flawed but righteous hero? Will the President of the United States have an opinion? So many possibilities here.
SteveBuscimisTeeth- July 23, 2013 at 1:54 pm
Adversaries:
-Uncle Thomas (eventually found to be a split personality caused by a chip planted in his brain by James Toney)
-???????? (as a collective, the illegitimate Japanese children of Rampage vie for his attention and child support while a subgroup demands seppuku)
-ShadVandGriff (Assimilated body parts of Forrest Griffin, Wanderlei Silva and Rashad Evans bringing past detrimental techniques of leg kicks, knees and wrestling respectively into this unholy amalgam)

Allies:
-Mr. T. (in an Obi Wan-type capacity)
-Legion (a grouping of female reporters who tenaciously defend Rampage due to a mass psychosis type of Stockholm syndrome--rallied to action with the raising of the pimp-hand upon Elvis Presley's Memphis grave)
-June White (Wartime makes strange bedfellows...sweet ((presumably)) septuagenarian bedfellows)

Abilities/special weapons:
-Incomprehensibility (using this technique temporarily stuns opponents with a certain awe of unequivocally poor grammar)
-Wolf tickets to the gun show (Upon howling to a full moon, Nick Diaz may or may not show up with a non-functioning blender and bow up on any and all opponents)

Achilles' Heel:
-Stank Breff
The12ozCurls- July 23, 2013 at 1:52 pm
Super Villian #3 - Mr. Cadbury
Using mind control, Mr. Cadbury is able to coax Rampage to ingest copious amounts of chocolate and other sweets thus transforming our heroic Street Soldier into a fat-ass who can't perform phycial activity for longer than 3 minutes.
RwilsonR- July 23, 2013 at 1:24 pm
Another recurring nemesis should be Sweep, the master of the leg kick, who is able to exploit Rampage's one weakness.
RwilsonR- July 23, 2013 at 1:20 pm
One of Rampage's consistent enemies would be Stank Breff, a noxious cloud of sentient toxic gas that cannot be defeated by conventional means of putting fist to face.
RwilsonR- July 23, 2013 at 1:18 pm
How about "Dana Might"? He would basically be like The Kingpin from Spiderman/Daredevil, but you know... controlling a vast MMA empire. And at least that is a better attempt to alter his name than your simple change in spelling.
MattSaccaro- July 23, 2013 at 2:13 pm
It was a Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire reference! Your idea isn't bad though.

http://gameofthrones.wikia.com/wiki/Wights
SteveBuscimisTeeth- July 23, 2013 at 12:55 pm
Nemesis: Bizarro Rampage

Storyline: In a bizarro world where justice is sought out, Bizarro Rampage must find an adequate and convincing body double to act as fall guy for his crime of vehicular foeticide or face certain doom... and he knows just where to look
El Guapo- July 23, 2013 at 12:39 pm
Kryptonite/Achille's Heel/RUN NIGGA RUN!: Asian Women
The12ozCurls- July 23, 2013 at 12:16 pm
Well, if Rampage Jackson the Street Soldier wears those fucked up Reebok shoes he's been hocking, this is going to be a complete graphic novel consisting of a series of him in a hospital bed or him on crutches or him in a wheel chair due to the fact that he will constantly be breaking his ankles due to those god forsaken shoes.
DDT- July 23, 2013 at 12:04 pm
Very nice!
Shouldn't his strength really come from his chain which is an ancient Japanese artifact that bonds him to his Spirit Wolf Animal.
Weaknesses, female reporters turn him into a mindless humpbot and energy drinks.
Also he has the power to attain any goal just by thinking that he can.
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