(This is an actual thing that’s happening. Image courtesy of Lion Forge Comics via TitoCouture.com)
By Matt Saccaro
A few days ago, our friends at MiddleEasy were kind enough to let the MMA world know some earth-shattering news: Quinton “Rampage” Jackson was going to be starring in his own comic book, Rampage Jackson: Street Soldier.
The comic’s premise? Rampage gets superpowers from a meteorite and then goes around fighting crime. Seriously, that’s it. The cage-fighter best known for dry-humping female reporters and tigers is now a superhero. However, one area where Lion Forge, the comic’s publisher, might run into trouble is coming up with storylines. Rampage’s comic will need story arcs and bad guys and other things. Fortunately for them, we at CagePotato have given this some thought.
What have we come up with? Check it out!
Dana Wight: An evil business mogul who harbors a terrible secret — he’s a soulless zombie that’s attempting to convert the entire MMA world into his own undead army. Dana Wight uses his billions of dollars to thwart Rampage Jackson’s efforts at improving the world. Wight consistently tries to pay Rampage off but he never realizes one important, in-no-way-false fact: Rampage Jackson is not for sale!
The Crimson Singlet: The Crimson Singlet will be one of Rampage’s worst foes. Rampage’s feud with the Crimson Singlet is fueled by the fact that he and Rampage used to be on the same wrestling team. Rampage abandoned the tenets of wrestling while the Crimson Singlet embraced them. Did Rampage betray the Crimson Singlet or did the Crimson Singlet betray Rampage? The comic book can tackle this complicated, psychological issue. What makes this story more exciting is that the Crimson Singlet is, obviously, a master of Rampage’s weakness — wrestling.
The Swagger Jacker: The Swagger Jacker is more of a minor annoyance to Rampage rather than a real threat. He just goes around stealing people’s swag, acting like it was his swag the entire time.
The League of Keyboard Assassins: Not one enemy, but an army of them. The League of Keyboard Assassins is a constant threat to Rampage. They always criticize his actions and manipulate the media into portraying Rampage’s acts of heroism as villainous.
- Sidekicks/Other Characters:
Ariel Hekwani: Rampage’s sidekick and comic foil.
King Bo: Another street soldier who, initially, used to be enemies with Rampage. Now, they both help each other out.
Njal Rebneb: The kind-hearted millionaire who bankrolls Rampage’s crime-fighting operations.
Issue 1: Rampage escapes the contractual clutches of Dana Wight. When Wight learns that Rampage is planning to tell the world about his evil plans for worldwide zombie domination, he enlists the help of the Crimson Singlet in order to silence Rampage for good. The Crimson Singlet beats Rampage in combat time after time. Rampage contemplates what it means to be a Street Soldier. As he considers giving up on one starry night after a battle with the Crimson Singlet, a meteor lands in his backyard, giving him superpowers and a better sprawl. He finally beats the Crimson Singlet and lets the world know about Dana Wight’s secret.
Issue 2: The Swagger Jacker steals Ariel Hekwani’s neon green shoes. Rampage defeats the Swagger Jacker but refuses to return the shoes to Hekwani because they’re ugly. Instead, he takes him on a shopping trip, teaches him what it means to be a true alpha, and offers him a breath-mint. Also in this issue, Njal Rebneb introduces himself to Rampage and finances the construction of a monster truck fit for a Street Soldier.
Issue 3: It turns out that Rampage’s efforts to expose Dana Wight’s zombie-ness and his plans to zombify the world were all for naught. The League of Keyboard Assassins discredited Rampage, making many people not believe his tale. Rampage attempts to fight off the out-of-shape writers and forum posters, but he’s overwhelmed. He seeks the help of King Bo, another anti-League of Keyboard Assassins fighter, to defeat the organization.
As silly as this stuff may sound, you can bet that the actual reality of a comic book about Quinton Jackson fighting crime after catching superpowers from a meteorite will be far more ridiculous. Do you have any better ideas for the comic? Go nuts in the comments section.