Since 2004, the UFC’s Super Bowl weekend card in Las Vegas has been one of the most stacked pay-per-view events on the promotion’s annual schedule — and 2013′s will be no different. But in a conference call held yesterday for UFC on FOX 5: Henderson vs. Diaz, Fox Sports Group president Eric Shanks voiced his desire to make 2014′s installment a massive free event on FOX, as the network will also be broadcasting Super Bowl XLVIII, which goes down February 2nd, 2014, at MetLife Stadium in East Rutherford, NJ. As Shanks said:
“We think that Super Bowl week in New York is going to be like anything else. We’re gonna own the city, we’re going to own that week of sports television and there’s nothing better we can think of than a big fight that week. So, we’re talking to Dana and Lorenzo about that. We’d love for that to happen. We’ll see if they can put that together.”
Hosting a UFC event in New York City still seems like a lost cause, but maybe the neighboring Izod Center in East Rutherford (max. capacity: 20,000) would be a logical next-best option. And if FOX really wants to make Super Bowl weekend a monster for their network — thereby sticking it up ESPN’s ass — Shanks and his crew would do all they can to make sure that the Super Bowl Eve 2014 UFC card is stacked to the damn rafters. So let’s all put on our fantasy-caps and come up with the craziest five-fight main card that the UFC could put on that night. Here’s how I see it…
Anderson Silva vs. Jon Jones [main event, 195-pound catchweight]
The fantasy fight of all UFC fantasy fights. Anderson will indeed take most of 2013 off before defending his middleweight belt in late fall 2013, maybe against Bisping, maybe against Weidman. (By the way, the Silva vs. GSP fight isn’t going to happen. Sorry about that.) Meanwhile, Jones will smash Chael Sonnen in April, then beat up the winner of Henderson vs. Machida in late summer. At that point, there won’t be anything left for Silva and Jones but each other. Convinced by the promise of a non-title catchweight and a billion dollars, Silva will finally accept the fight against Jones. Anderson Silva will win by TKO in one of the UFC’s all-time greatest battles, then announce his retirement during the post-fight interview with Joe Rogan. The Spider will then bow to the crowd, before beaming back up to his home planet. Rogan will be like, “I FUCKING KNEW IT! AND NONE OF YOU WOULD BELIEVE ME! AHHHHHHH!”
Ronda Rousey vs. Cris Cyborg [co-main event, for UFC women's bantamweight title]
Rousey will defend her honorary UFC title twice in 2013, first against Some Random Chick, then against Sara McMann. Cyborg will spend all year steamrolling no-namers in OneFC and Jungle Fight, before deciding that the life of a female MMA juggernaut is not worth living in obscurity. Against her doctor’s strict orders (LOL!), Cristiane will stop lifting weights, go on a liquid diet, and cut down to a horrible, scarecrow-looking version of her formerly-jacked build in order to make 135. Rousey wins by first-round armbar.
Junior Dos Santos vs. Chael Sonnen [for UFC heavyweight title]
JDS was originally slated to defend his title against Stefan Struve, until Skyscraper withdrew due to a back injury just 11 days before the event. Sonnen steps up yet again, and calls Junior a “half-witted jug-eared blood-drinking mud-person” on twitter. Predictably, Chael’s record in UFC title fights drops to 0-4 in hysterically violent fashion. (In case you were wondering, Dos Santos will knock out Cain Velasquez again at UFC 155, then score clear-cut unanimous decisions over Alistair Overeem and Daniel Cormier next year. And yeah, Stefan Struve keeps winning fights. How ’bout that.)
George St. Pierre vs. Nick Diaz [UFC welterweight #1 contender's match]
Remember the business GSP had to handle at 170, which prevented him from accepting a super-fight against Anderson? Well, it doesn’t work out so well. Next spring he faces Johny Hendricks and eats Bigg Rigg’s overhand left at the start of round 2. Lights out, mon frere. St. Pierre is very slow to get up. When he finally comes to, Firas Zahabi explains that he got caught. “Oh my God,” St. Pierre tells him. “I just had the most terrible dream. No…no…I don’t want to talk about it.” Anyway, after scoring a rebound victory in a rematch with Jon Fitch, GSP finally has to meet his #1 hater, Nick Diaz, who has racked up impressive victories over Josh Koscheck and Rory MacDonald after returning from suspension. St. Pierre beats Diaz by unanimous decision, and somebody from the Diaz camp, possibly Richard Perez, will angrily throw a water bottle into the cage after the scores are read.
Dan Henderson vs. Wanderlei Silva III [light-heavyweight bout]
The UFC will lead off the main card broadcast with a rubber match between two beloved legends at the ends of their careers, catering to all the remaining PRIDE fanboys who weren’t killed in the PRIDE Fanboy Robot-Uprising Massacre of June 2013. (Stock up on canned goods, guys; I’m just saying.) As we suggested earlier, Hendo’s latest run at the UFC light-heavyweight title will be stymied by either Lyoto Machida or Jon Jones, and Dan will officially enter the Rich Franklin stage of his career, taking on other aging fighters just to have something to do. Wanderlei Silva, who recently expressed an interest in returning to light-heavyweight, actually wins one or two fights at 205 next year, prolonging his
brain damage career into early 2014. Henderson and Silva spend two rounds throwing nothing but wild, ugly haymakers at each other in the center of the Octagon, causing Mike Goldberg to exclaim, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is what MMA is all about!”, which in turn causes Joe Rogan to roll his eyes. In the third round, Wandy catches an A-Bomb square on the chin, and once again drops like a sack of batatas.
“You’re a legend, a warrior, and one of my personal heros,” Rogan tells Silva in the post-fight interview, “is this the last time we’ll see you in the Octagon?”
“No,” Silva says. “I’m keep fighting, because I do this for fans, for UFC, and putting on a show for you, thanks God.”
“Well, I know you don’t want to make any big decisions right now, and I know you’re upset with the loss, so maybe you’ll take some time off and…”
“I’m feel fine,” Silva continues. “Fighting is what I love. Let’s do it Chuck, fuck, let’s do it Cheeto…”
Rogan will return to the broadcast booth, and slump in his chair. “Hey, you tried, man,” Goldberg tells him off the mic. “You tried, and that’s the best we can do.”
“I’m done, bro,” Rogan will say. “Unless Anderson beats Jon Jones’s ass and beams back up to his mothership in the middle of the Octagon, I’m done with this entire rotten-ass depressing sport. Mark my words, Mike. You can consider my ass retired.”
…and we now return to present-day reality. So does that sound about right? If you’ve got any better ideas, hit us up in the comments section.