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What Would a Super Bowl 2014 UFC Mega-Card Look Like, Anyway?


(Silva vs. Jones, in Madison Square Garden: If we dream it, we can achieve it. / Fan-poster by NixsonDesign via MiddleEasy)

Since 2004, the UFC’s Super Bowl weekend card in Las Vegas has been one of the most stacked pay-per-view events on the promotion’s annual schedule — and 2013′s will be no different. But in a conference call held yesterday for UFC on FOX 5: Henderson vs. Diaz, Fox Sports Group president Eric Shanks voiced his desire to make 2014′s installment a massive free event on FOX, as the network will also be broadcasting Super Bowl XLVIII, which goes down February 2nd, 2014, at MetLife Stadium in East Rutherford, NJ. As Shanks said:

“We think that Super Bowl week in New York is going to be like anything else. We’re gonna own the city, we’re going to own that week of sports television and there’s nothing better we can think of than a big fight that week. So, we’re talking to Dana and Lorenzo about that. We’d love for that to happen. We’ll see if they can put that together.”

Hosting a UFC event in New York City still seems like a lost cause, but maybe the neighboring Izod Center in East Rutherford (max. capacity: 20,000) would be a logical next-best option. And if FOX really wants to make Super Bowl weekend a monster for their network — thereby sticking it up ESPN’s ass — Shanks and his crew would do all they can to make sure that the Super Bowl Eve 2014 UFC card is stacked to the damn rafters. So let’s all put on our fantasy-caps and come up with the craziest five-fight main card that the UFC could put on that night. Here’s how I see it…

Anderson Silva vs. Jon Jones [main event, 195-pound catchweight]
The fantasy fight of all UFC fantasy fights. Anderson will indeed take most of 2013 off before defending his middleweight belt in late fall 2013, maybe against Bisping, maybe against Weidman. (By the way, the Silva vs. GSP fight isn’t going to happen. Sorry about that.) Meanwhile, Jones will smash Chael Sonnen in April, then beat up the winner of Henderson vs. Machida in late summer. At that point, there won’t be anything left for Silva and Jones but each other. Convinced by the promise of a non-title catchweight and a billion dollars, Silva will finally accept the fight against Jones. Anderson Silva will win by TKO in one of the UFC’s all-time greatest battles, then announce his retirement during the post-fight interview with Joe Rogan. The Spider will then bow to the crowd, before beaming back up to his home planet. Rogan will be like, “I FUCKING KNEW IT! AND NONE OF YOU WOULD BELIEVE ME! AHHHHHHH!”

Ronda Rousey vs. Cris Cyborg [co-main event, for UFC women's bantamweight title]
Rousey will defend her honorary UFC title twice in 2013, first against Some Random Chick, then against Sara McMann. Cyborg will spend all year steamrolling no-namers in OneFC and Jungle Fight, before deciding that the life of a female MMA juggernaut is not worth living in obscurity. Against her doctor’s strict orders (LOL!), Cristiane will stop lifting weights, go on a liquid diet, and cut down to a horrible, scarecrow-looking version of her formerly-jacked build in order to make 135. Rousey wins by first-round armbar.

Junior Dos Santos vs. Chael Sonnen [for UFC heavyweight title]
JDS was originally slated to defend his title against Stefan Struve, until Skyscraper withdrew due to a back injury just 11 days before the event. Sonnen steps up yet again, and calls Junior a “half-witted jug-eared blood-drinking mud-person” on twitter. Predictably, Chael’s record in UFC title fights drops to 0-4 in hysterically violent fashion. (In case you were wondering, Dos Santos will knock out Cain Velasquez again at UFC 155, then score clear-cut unanimous decisions over Alistair Overeem and Daniel Cormier next year. And yeah, Stefan Struve keeps winning fights. How ’bout that.)

George St. Pierre vs. Nick Diaz [UFC welterweight #1 contender's match]
Remember the business GSP had to handle at 170, which prevented him from accepting a super-fight against Anderson? Well, it doesn’t work out so well. Next spring he faces Johny Hendricks and eats Bigg Rigg’s overhand left at the start of round 2. Lights out, mon frere. St. Pierre is very slow to get up. When he finally comes to, Firas Zahabi explains that he got caught. “Oh my God,” St. Pierre tells him. “I just had the most terrible dream. No…no…I don’t want to talk about it.” Anyway, after scoring a rebound victory in a rematch with Jon Fitch, GSP finally has to meet his #1 hater, Nick Diaz, who has racked up impressive victories over Josh Koscheck and Rory MacDonald after returning from suspension. St. Pierre beats Diaz by unanimous decision, and somebody from the Diaz camp, possibly Richard Perez, will angrily throw a water bottle into the cage after the scores are read.

Dan Henderson vs. Wanderlei Silva III [light-heavyweight bout]
The UFC will lead off the main card broadcast with a rubber match between two beloved legends at the ends of their careers, catering to all the remaining PRIDE fanboys who weren’t killed in the PRIDE Fanboy Robot-Uprising Massacre of June 2013. (Stock up on canned goods, guys; I’m just saying.) As we suggested earlier, Hendo’s latest run at the UFC light-heavyweight title will be stymied by either Lyoto Machida or Jon Jones, and Dan will officially enter the Rich Franklin stage of his career, taking on other aging fighters just to have something to do. Wanderlei Silva, who recently expressed an interest in returning to light-heavyweight, actually wins one or two fights at 205 next year, prolonging his brain damage career into early 2014. Henderson and Silva spend two rounds throwing nothing but wild, ugly haymakers at each other in the center of the Octagon, causing Mike Goldberg to exclaim, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is what MMA is all about!”, which in turn causes Joe Rogan to roll his eyes. In the third round, Wandy catches an A-Bomb square on the chin, and once again drops like a sack of batatas.

“You’re a legend, a warrior, and one of my personal heros,” Rogan tells Silva in the post-fight interview, “is this the last time we’ll see you in the Octagon?”

“No,” Silva says. “I’m keep fighting, because I do this for fans, for UFC, and putting on a show for you, thanks God.”

“Well, I know you don’t want to make any big decisions right now, and I know you’re upset with the loss, so maybe you’ll take some time off and…”

“I’m feel fine,” Silva continues. “Fighting is what I love. Let’s do it Chuck, fuck, let’s do it Cheeto…”

Rogan will return to the broadcast booth, and slump in his chair. “Hey, you tried, man,” Goldberg tells him off the mic. “You tried, and that’s the best we can do.”

“I’m done, bro,” Rogan will say. “Unless Anderson beats Jon Jones’s ass and beams back up to his mothership in the middle of the Octagon, I’m done with this entire rotten-ass depressing sport. Mark my words, Mike. You can consider my ass retired.”

…and we now return to present-day reality. So does that sound about right? If you’ve got any better ideas, hit us up in the comments section.

(BG)

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stma1990- December 2, 2012 at 10:45 pm

I think your predictions are way off to say the least, like Sonnen actually getting a fight with JDS, JDS beating Cain at all, let alone Cormier and Overeem, and Hendricks knocking out GSP all seem pretty unlikely to me haha. However, very good writing. Sort of makes you wonder, and its fun to imagine stuff like this. Kudos man!
kevindean- December 1, 2012 at 1:42 pm
up to I looked at the paycheck ov $6003, I be certain that...my... neighbours mother was like they say realey taking home money in there spare time from there new laptop.. there dads buddy had bean doing this for under twelve months and recently cleared the mortgage on there house and purchased a great new Cadillac. go to..... WWW.BIT40.COM
grey_fox- December 1, 2012 at 10:53 am
Dream Card. Main event; Dana White vs. Joe Rogan, co-main; Bruce Buffer vs. Mike Goldberg, Fertitta vs. Fertitta, Jon Anik vs. Ariel Helwaney, Big Jon McCarthy vs. Dan Miragliotta, Herb Dean vs Mario Yamasake, Arianni Celeste vs. Brittany Palmer, Gareth Davies vs. Jay Glazer
MrPastrano- November 30, 2012 at 1:49 pm
Great writing. Best I've read in a while.
beenkoo- November 29, 2012 at 5:06 pm
Wonderful.

Share a website with you ,

( w w w . l i k e s u r p r i s e . c o m / )

Believe you will love it.
SpiderLee- November 29, 2012 at 10:26 am
Make it a Brazil vs USA card biggest fights in history on the same card. Silva vs Jones, Aldo vs 155 champ, Hendo vs Belfort, erick silva vs Condit, Machida vs Sonnen, Barboza vs Guilard. copywritten by Andre Madison Dana pay me 4 this idea im a genious! bigger than ufc 100, werdum vs carwin i could keep goin.
Casa de los pantelones- November 28, 2012 at 9:27 pm
@armfarmer

Yea, and Megatron would kill Optimus in a real world fight...

1) Not one of the potential fighters in any of these retarded make believe fights, has ever ever ever ever eeevvvaaahhh said flat out: "Sure, bring that mofo on, I'll fight him."

How bout Overeem vs Dos Santos. That would be a super fight to watch and is highly plausible and probably going to happen.

I just can't justify calling a conservative scared welterweight or two gifted fighters in Jones and Silva 'super' when they turn down legitimate fights in their respective weight divisions. *cough* Glover *cough*

Again, none of these mofos want to fight each other, and that is the end of the story.

cman- November 28, 2012 at 9:23 pm
Main event:
Nick Diaz vs anderson silva using just his left hand and blindfolded. Diaz withdrawl after learning the event is not in a medical marijuana state and he would have to actually check his stash, er bag.

Co-main event
Rhonda Rousey v. Misha tate in grudge match where they start each round topless in the north south position. Special rules that one of their asses has to be directly pointed at a camera at all times, Rousey wins via full fist insertion.

Jon Jones V Jesus, Grudge match over likeness and intellectual property rights. Jesus Wins via nailing Jones to something while screaming "now talk to me about suffering and sacrifice"

After this who cares???
bgoldstein- November 28, 2012 at 4:55 pm
@Ronwell: Ah, my bad...good catch!
Chromium- November 28, 2012 at 4:51 pm
Superbowl Weekend 2014 eh?

A lot can happen in a year. Good lord I spent like nearly 30 minutes on this.

The UFC, having dramtically moved away from a PPV-based business model to doing near weekly cards on Fox, finally relents and for the first time since UFC 33 does three title matches on one card in a spectacular 4-Hour main card, in Madison Square Gardens:

-MW Title Fight: Anderson Silva (c) vs. WW Champion Nick Diaz in the Superfight that GSP pussied out on

-W135 Title Fight: Ronda Rousey (c) vs. newly signed Invicta FW Champion Marloes Coenen, who is fresh off her gigantic upset of Cris Cyborg

-FW Title Fight: The Korean Zombie (c) vs. Jose Aldo in a rematch of one of the best fights of 2013

-HW: Jon Jones, looking to climb the ranks at HW and coming off his destruction of Travis Browne after being run out of the LHW division by Chael Sonnen, vs. Shane Carwin

-LHW Title Eliminator: Daniel Cormier vs Glover Teixeira (winner faces Champion Chael Sonnen)

-MW: Lorenz Larkin vs. Hector Lombard

FX Prelims:

-W125 Title Tournament Semi-Final: Miesha Tate vs. Vanessa Porto

-HW: Andrei Arlovski (making his UFC return) vs. Cheick Kongo

-WW: Mike Swick vs. Siyar Bahadurzada

-FW: Tatsuya Kawajiri vs. Clay Guida

-FlyW: Ian McCall vs. Rambaa Somdet

-BW: Tyson Nam vs. Brian Bowles

Facebook:

-W135: Amanda Nunes vs. Leslie Diaz-Smith (formerly Leslie Smith)

-LW: Mac Danzig vs. KJ Noons

I have a separate wishlist involving a global economic recovery, radical environmental reform targeting CO2 emissions, and a supermodel wife, but this would be a good start.
Ronwell Dobbs- November 28, 2012 at 3:23 pm
That would be Dan Henderson v Wanderlei Silva III, not II. Nobody caught this?
SquidInk- November 28, 2012 at 3:10 pm
@12oz - Guilty. Guess I should have read past your first paragraph (on your original post) before replying.
Limfamous- November 28, 2012 at 12:47 pm
diego brandao vs jose aldo
The12ozCurls- November 28, 2012 at 10:59 am
@Karma & Squid - FYI.

sarcasm:

1: a sharp and often satirical or ironic utterance designed to cut or give pain
2: a mode of satirical wit depending for its effect on bitter, caustic, and often ironic language that is usually directed against an individual

Damn guys - this is CP - remember.
SquidInk- November 28, 2012 at 10:19 am
@12ozcurls - Uhhh... what? Did you somehow miss the GSP-Serra fight?

Also, to CP: JDS vs. Sonnen? Really?
KarmaAteMyCat- November 28, 2012 at 10:09 am
@12ozcurls I disagree man, If He hits GSP with that left hands its fucking over, he's bigger then Serra he has better wrestling then anyone GSP has ever fought he's a better overall fighter then most of GSP's past opponents and his record speaks pretty much for itself.
Fried Taco- November 28, 2012 at 9:57 am
I think Wandy would say "I want to fuck Chuck. Or Cheeto."
The12ozCurls- November 28, 2012 at 9:21 am
I love you BG but this reaks like an arena full of floor turds. I mean, seriously? There is NO god damned way that Johny Hendricks is gonna KO GSP.
Everything else within this entire article is absolutely spot on, perfectly plausible and will most likely happen - ALL OF IT - but that exception. If you left out that one sentence about GSP/Hendricks - you would be accepting a Pulitzer this year and would be hailed as the CZAAR OF MMA PREDICTIONS. But, alas, due to that "crazy talk" - it is nothing more than unsubstantiated fodder ;)
mma4ever- November 28, 2012 at 8:54 am
Yall been waiting but its finnally here the falcons bay...be . Matty ice
Knacker- November 28, 2012 at 8:39 am
You forgot about the Fatal Four Way where Brock gets to smash ‘Big’ Dave Bautista, Bobby Lashley and a flabby Ken Shamrock (struggled with that last one) until Dana interferes and gets Lesnar disqualified!!
Sloppyspray- November 28, 2012 at 8:32 am
Shouldn't that quote read “We think that Super Bowl week in New York ISN'T going to be like anything else," not "is"? Otherwise it seems like he's not expecting anything major. (similar to could care less vs. couldn't care less)
ArmFarmer- November 28, 2012 at 8:20 am
Casa sure is butthurt over super fights. Jones vs Silva could happen, and it would be the greatest match up in the history of the sport. Go cry some more super fight haters. If you want to hate on anything, hate on the fact that they put a womens fight as a comain event on the most stacked card ever lol
masliar3- November 28, 2012 at 8:14 am
I dont know who he would fight, but you got to get Fedor on the card. I get it he is old and retired but I would buy the ppv if his name was on a UFC card
Casa de los pantelones- November 28, 2012 at 8:11 am
FFS...

Every day I come here it's another retarded article about two scared people, scared to fight each other. Ironic isn't it...

Fuck it, Silva or Bones could both fight heavyweight if they wanted...why doesn't anybody ride their nuts everyday, 6 times a day (8 on Sunday) about a super duper fight versus Dos Santos?

While we're at it, why is Silva afraid to fight Master Seagal? He promises to not use any thumblocks or smash silva in the face with a pool cue or ball, or a random 2 x 4 lying around.

And when is Aldo going to fight Overeem?

It's called a fantasy fight for a reason, because it's all in your delusional little mind...do an article that actually has relevance to MMA please...

CagePotatoMMA